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Pease help me get out of this!
June 1, 2007
5:39 am
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_anonymous
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I left my husband. He calls constantly when I am away. The minute he is around me he wont listen to a word I say, is cold, argumentive, threatening etc. When he is attentive, affectionate, I feel nothing and I am cold, and rejecting towards him. When he is cold and rejecting towards me I want to be with him. What is up with that? We agree on nothing. He collects disability and does not work. He had a seriouse drinking problem like a half a case of beer each day and I told him he had to stop. Then he does, but then says oh why cant I just have a beer or 2? Refuses to get help for that. He takes Vicodin, effexor, seroquel. He is always putting everyone and everything down, is always negative, and insulting, especially towards women. The only time he will listen to me or say what I want to hear is over the phone and that is after I hang up and refuse to speak to him. When he is in person, he constatly argues and disagrees and threatens. Why cant i just have no contact with him and put him out of my mind and life for once and for all?

June 1, 2007
3:10 pm
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obsessia
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Destinystar: You are living with an alcoholic/addict. Many times the person living with an addict becomes just as sick, if not sicker. Your need to control everything is driving you crazy. My suggestion would be to go to Alanon and try at least 6 mtgs. before you make up your mind. Get the literature and book and read it. Get a sponsor who you trust. This is a rollercoaster ride that you need to exit so that you can go on to be happy. Remember you only go around once. You cannot make your husband quit drinking or using. You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it and you can't CONTROL it. You asked why can't i just have no contact with him and put him out of my mind and life once and for all? YOU CAN, YOU DEFINITELY CAN. It's a choice and with help for YOU this can be done. Alanon mts. and some private counseling will help turn your life around. It's up to you to take the first steps. That is how you can "get out of this"
Let us all know how you are doing.

June 1, 2007
3:19 pm
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lettingo
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The best I can suggest is to try Alanon meeting. I am now divorced but my husband was also an alcoholic/addict, and your back and forth stuff sounds similar to what we went through. There is a lot that goes on in this type of a relationship so unfortunately it isn't a real easy answer except is sounds like you are both dealing with addiction, his addction is to substance and you to him and his chaos and trying to control him. Again, what helped me immensley were Alanon meeting.

June 1, 2007
3:24 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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like his addiction to meds and alcohol, you are addicted to how he treats you.

al-anon or coda are both great places to get help that is free. you don't have to believe in any specific god, but just be "spiritual" and believe in something "bigger" than yourself.

if 12 step isn't for you - perhaps counseling with a therapist is.

either way, the only way to truly be successful at breaking away from him is probably going to involve some professional type help.

he isn't going to leave you alone and you need to learn how to be strong enough to keep him away and stay away.

it is hard...it's something we learn to deal with...it's familiar...it's comfortable.

but we can have better if we try.

check out some self help books too...codependent no more is very helpful...women who love too much is another that I find to be a wonderful resource.

keep posting here too...great people, great support.

June 1, 2007
3:25 pm
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fantas
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Destiny...Everything Obsessia said is bang on. You can do this but you need support. You've tried to stop it by yourself but you haven't been able to. Your husband is sick and needs help. He cannot do this by himself and you cannot make him get help. He has to want to get better for himself. Sometimes addicts have to hit rock bottom inorder to get help which often means loosing everything and everyone in their lives. Try reading Codependent No More. You might see yourself in there. Keep writing.

June 1, 2007
3:28 pm
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fantas
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I guess we all posted together here is bang on...

June 1, 2007
5:02 pm
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Rewind
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Hi Destinystar
Alcoholics will drain the life and soul out of you if they refuse to change. So eventually the only way is in your own time to recognise this,refuse to be treated substandard(you are your own beautiful person who deserves love and respect)and make the change for yourself.

It is easy to be lulled into a false sense of security(caring) when he calls all the time etc but he is just wanting to keep the one person in his life he can control-YOU.You deserve better-love not control,respect not verbal abuse,support not continual pressure.

Little steps...counselling,reading the books suggested (as mentioned in above posts),supportive people and eventually you will feel stronger.I found no contact worked well for me, although I felt very lonely at times and still do sometimes.Once you rediscover the importance of you and your life they enter your mind less and less.

All the best and keep posting,everyone here is so supportive....you are not alone.

RWxx

June 2, 2007
8:12 am
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thewall
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Alanon meetings would be a great support system for you.

As to why you can't do the "no contact" thing.... sometimes people are like a gambling addiction. Sometimes when you put your dollar in, you hit it and make a profit, which makes you want to do it again. At other times you put your dollar in and loose it all. This is the time when its easy to walk away.

You never know when he is going to be nice or mean. That is what makes it so addicting.... always hoping to win the jack pot this time. Sometimes you win, but in the end you always loose bc he is never consistant and will eventually be mean again.

You are being emotionally abused and you dont deserve that. He will never change w/o help bc he is making no effort to change. If he ever tells you he is going to change then you need to see effort...ie counseling for a long period of time. Its almost impossible for people with his level of verbal abuse and his addiction to change on their own. They need alot of time and guidance to unlearn bad behaviors and relearn new ones thru a counselor.

Get out. You are only prolonging the inevitable, thus damaging your selfeteem, self confidence, and emotional health even more the longer you stay.

June 3, 2007
2:08 pm
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Teardrops
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Wow your living my life here. i went to see acounselor for the first time last week about the same problem, his advise was run. He also suggested the co dependency books and alanon. I attended my first meeting and saw there was a lot of support and people in my boat. So hop in and you to can make the same trip and know in the end that you can be helped and move on. It took me almost 5 yrs to finally see this after so many people told me over and over again, you will know when it is time to bail from his ship and join others who are now living life the way they want it to be.

June 3, 2007
2:48 pm
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atalose
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rising said exactly what I was going to say as well. You both have become familiar and comfortable with each others behaviors.
You want to be loved by him and when you feel you aren't you long for that. When you are with him you feel repulsed by all the things he's done to hurt you.
Alanon or naranon or codie meeting would really help if seeking a professional is not an option.
Your never going to change him you can only change yourself and how you handle those situations with him.
You say you left him, are you filing for divorce or not at that level yet?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

June 4, 2007
7:51 pm
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_anonymous
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Thank you for all your responses. I filed for divorce in March. Should be final in September. Am doing it behind his back. He was drunk when he was served and thought it was a joke. Filed 300 miles from my house so it would be difficult for him to fight it if he did find out. Just saw him. When we were together was constantly insulting me. Sleeping. Unaffectionate only talked about his issues. Ignored me and threatened me if I didnt agree with him. The usual. Gives me money to pay his bills with. While I pay 2 house payments, utilities, food, gas, etc. Even told me that he was going to ask some woman if he could live at her place in exchange for helping her out. Then leaves, then gets on the phone in a good mood talking nonstop about himself, how much he wanted to have sex and then told me he was by his bed and found his dirty magazines. So I hung up the phone right then and there he calls back and asked why I hung up and I told him that I didnt want to hear all that and he made a sound of disgust and said he was going back to work and I hung up. Why do I feel bad about hanging up? Why am I so damn worry I wont hear from him again? You all are helping me out so much. Thank you.

June 11, 2007
2:03 pm
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fantas
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Destiny...that's what codependence is.
I say this site that was recommended by someone here and it was great..
http://www.joy2meu.com
Hang in there, keep posting

June 11, 2007
2:31 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Destinystar:

Please do not take me wrong here, but I feel I need to say something to you. If you have filed for divorce fraudulently and he does find out then he could wind up w/ everything and you nothing, including fines and probably not jail time. I don't know the state you are in, but please do look up the laws. Don't think that "well, once it's done, it's done", coz if he can prove you knew where he was all along and you had said you did not then it could still be taken back to court.

I am truly glad you are away from him and fully think it best you are. Does your attorney know that you are aware of where he is? It all depends on the laws in your state honey. I, again, am not trying to cause you any heartache or problems, but to save them for you down the road if need be.

If you need help finding out let me know and I'll see if I can find it but I must know the state you live in.

I hope to have not upset you.

June 11, 2007
2:49 pm
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lettingo
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My ex-husband is an addict/alcoholic and I can guarantee that when I filed he was high. As a matter of fact, he never saw the paperwork because he was living in different shelters and my attorney could not find him. I did however let him know verbally so if your husband was drunk, that is his problem and HE thinks it's a joke, again HIS problem. I am sure you have told him that you are divorcing him. My husband didn't even show up at the court date to sign any thing because he had gotten arrested and was in jail. The judge dissolved our marriage any way! Because he was drunk or whatever or thinks it is a joke is not fraudulent. If you had signed somethign in his name than that would be a different story. Sounds like copedendancy worrying about what he is thinking or doing. You have made it clear how badly he treats you so try the NO CONTACT and just move on. I KNOW easier said than done regardless of abuse but from my past experience, not having any contact help moved things along much quicker. I was also said and afraid but I kept moving forward just believing I deserved a better life and so do you.

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