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peace4all....as follow-up to your posting on my thread...Ma Strong
October 5, 2009
4:47 pm
Forum Posts: 453
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
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peace4all -

I would have responded to your posting earlier, but I was out of town, visiting my elderly mother. However, I would like to respond to your questions and statements:

Your question: "...you mean to say it was fine then [at the time I helped my son purchase her engagement ring] because she had not spoken back to you yet?"

My response: It is one thing to stand up for oneself (or one's beliefs) and express them verbally. We all have that right. However, I believe that the MANNER in which one does is important and subject to rules of respect, appropriate tone of voice, appropriate timing/setting, etc. My future DIL has the right to express her beliefs and feelings to me; however, she does not have the right to do so with a raised voice, intimidating or manipulative threats, etc. You might not agree with this; however, these are the standards by which I was raised.

Your question: "You never saw any of this before [she became officially engaged]?"

My response: No. She never spoke to me in an inappropriate, threatening, manipulative or disrespectful manner, prior to this episode.

Your statement: "I cannot believe a preacher would call this girl 'Treacherous'."

My response: I do not recall using the word "treacherous" in my posting. Would you be kind enough to show this olde woman where I said that? Additionally, just because one is a minister/preacher does not mean one does not have insights, feelings or opinions about people who are problematic. We're not blind idiots, nor is it "un-Christian" to make a factual observation about someone whose behavior(s) is inappropriate.

Your statement: "...she needs all the love and support you can give her."

My response: I have consistently extended acceptance, love, support and encouragement to this young woman for over 2-1/2 years because (1) I would do this for anyone and (2) my son cares about her deeply. Because I HAVE done so, her behaviors were doubly hurtly and totally unexpected.

Your statement: "...she's a kid."

My response: I do not consider a woman of nearly 26 to be a "kid." She is an adult and responsible for how she treats others, just as I am.

Your statement: "...set your boundaries..."

My response: I DID set a boundary with her by stating that I found BOTH of their behaviors unacceptable and inappropriate.

Your statement: "Kindness and Forgiveness will bring alot more peace to your household than 'poor me, how dare she disrespect me?'"

My response: I have always (and continue, despite this mess) extended kindness and forgiveness to this young woman. Concurrently, I have a human right to have felt wounded and angry by her mistreatment of me. I also feel that your "poor me..." statement is judgmental in tone. Might not have been your intention, but that is how it translated.

Your statement: "You talking trash to your son about her..."

My response: I have never "talked trash" to my son about his fiance. How did you arrive at such an inference?

Your statement: "...the fact that you also gave up even more money for him to go to a counselor tells me that you really have control issues of your own..."

My response: My son has wanted to see a counselor to address some of his rage issues, resulting from his father's suicide six years ago. Following this entire episode, he shared with me that he wanted to get professional help for his temper/rage and grieving issues. If I chose to help him accomplish this financially, how does that make me "controlling?" I didn't suggest counseling. HE expressed a desire to try it. Of this entire family, he is the only one who has struggled to deal with the PTSD of his father's tragic death without professional help. Now, he wants that help. I do not consider my choice to help him afford to be indicative of controlling behavior. I would welcome your explanation on this, since I obviously don't "get it."

Your statement about "...when [I] was so taken with [my] alcoholic neighbor..." was very hurtful. I cared deeply about him for 2 years and made a positive choice to sever that unhealthy relationship months ago. I have stuck to my resolution and maintained strict "no contact" with him ever since. That certainly has not ended my feelings for him. Therefore, your decision to drag up my past [and still very present] feelings for him caused me emotional pain. Why you did so is beyond my understanding. However, sufficient to say that your words reopened the wound of his removal from my life.

Your statement: "Again, sorry to be so hard on you, but you did say...advice welcome."

My summation: I felt that your posting to me was more on the side of Judgment than on side of supportive or neutral "advice."

= Ma Strong

October 5, 2009
9:16 pm
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September 24, 2010
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