Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
PCBUTTERFLY'S METHOD.....my father in law got involved,he doesn't believe me!
November 10, 2005
7:32 am
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi,
My original thread would make more sense ("one habit after the other silence is killing me now") as to why i called this new thread PCBUTTERFLY'S METHOD.

Well anyway, i have been such a goodgirl,Looking after myself,my pregnancy and my little one. I haven't spoken to my so called hubby or even seen him since last night. Anyways, my father-in-law (FIL) rocks up to my place for a friendly chat, he then mentioned what was up with me and my hubby. I didn't want to tell him everything but all i said is that he lies too much,i can't live him and he treats this place like a hotel...just a place to bunk.

My FIL sort of knows what is going on about the addiction to gambling,alcohol and drugs but is in severe denial because he didn't raise his son to be like that (whatever! my FIL apparently had an affair, and over the years gambled $300k of his retirment money). He basically called me a liar, i ended up in tears infront of my little one who just kept kissing my tummy (her baby bro).

I was in a loosing position, i didn't want dish out all the dirt about my hubby because i strongly believe in karma and plus i feel it's none of anyones business. I have my reasons for kicking him out of the house and if they can't see that as a cry out for help then they can all go get f..... oops i mean a life! My hubby on the other hand, said that i scream at him,swear at him and throw things at him (yes yes they are all true, but he doesn't listen to me and provokes this reaction). He bitched about me so bad to his dad that i wanted to just scream all the crap that he had done to me, but i thought about it and bit my tounge. The whole family turn a blind eye to eachothers actions and have this "fear" thing with their dad so i new it was pointless. We finally agreed that seperation with a speedy divorce is the way to go. He left and i still haven't stopped crying.

I just feel now that PCBUTTERFLYS stubborn method will never work with me. No one is giving this man a chance to suffer without his wife and kids. Anyway i failed the method by ringing him and saying "in a situation like this and you still managed to bitch" I told him i was going to tell my dad everything since he has HIS allies, and being loved by my dad alot my dad will make this very very ugly especially when he finds out that i have a bad credit rating and in debt more than over $600k due to his habits. My hubby also knows that my cousin is a lawyer so he felt threatend, and tried to talk to me but i wasn't interested.

I haven't said anything to my dad but i really feel i'm being bullied now b'cus i'm preggy,have a 3 yer old and wait theres more.................i live next door to them. Do i tell my dad EVERYTHING or do i take this battle on my own?

Mysti

November 10, 2005
7:54 am
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mysti....well, I can identify, as I'm sure many people here going thru nasty break-up will also.

The question we all ask ourselves is what do you do? Do you play the game and dish-the-dirt or do you keep your mouth shout and suffer the intolerable situation of having your nearest and dearest think you are the bad guy. I have no answer for you as I am going thru something similar myself and have not come out the other side.

So far my fiance has been in contact with my older sister, my parent and my younger sister.

Ok...so I admit, I wasn't perfect myself...I had a traumatic miscarriage in january this year, it took a lot out of me emotionally, my ex just didn't know how to handle it, so he shut up shop and stuck his head in the sand. We broke up in september, could not have happened at a worse time for me...my baby would have been born in august so august was a nightmare of depression and self-doubt, I took it out on him I admit, he couldn't take it and left me. The day he left me I tried to OD. At the time my mother was ill in hospital, my father was at her bedside when he gets a call on his cell from my ex....she's taken tablets...I can't be with her anymore...I can't handle her anymore...my mother had 3 nurses around her trying to calm her down...WHY did he feel the need to call my elderly parents? Turns out I was pregnant....at 8 weeks low and behold I miscarried again...I was absolutely devestated...my sister called ex and told him...my sister was going away the day after the miscarriage and she asked him would it be ok to leave me in the house on my own....would he help out and check on me while she was away? Yeh...he says. Well, turns out I caught an infection while I was getting the D&C and the day after the miscarriage I was running a high-fever and really feeling bad, I got myself out of bed, got dressed and decided to take myself to the ER....I decided on the way that I'd ask ex if he'd come with me as it was late at night...I called around and he told me to "p*ss-off" basically, or he'd call the police!!! I was astounded!! I took myself to the ER in tears and they gave me anti-biotics for the infection. The next day...he pays my older sister a visit and absolutely tore me to shreds!!!! Told her he thought the miscarriage was a "scam" to get him back (A jobless loser), by the way I showed him all the tests, documents...etc (Can't really fake that can you?). My older sister who didn't know I had miscarried was devestated and by the end of the conversation she actually believed him!!!! Thought that I was going through some kind of nervous break-down!!!!! That really really hurt me...so I had to show her all the documents, notes and tests etc. Then last but not least last week he call's my younger sister (Who lives with me and was by my side when I miscarried) tried the same "oh she's crazy" trick on her...but she screamed at him down the phone...he got her so angry...

So...why do they do this? why do they insist on trying to make you look like a monster and them the victim. Well...one word "GUILT" they can't face up to themselves enough to realise how they have failed...and so they try to shift the blame on you. These people in their heart of hearts HATE themselves. God love them is all I can say. As far as how to behave...stand your ground, gather your proof, take notes, be on your guard for mind-games and finally stand back and say nothing...until someone actually questions you. As my lovely grand-mother used to say "The truth will out" eventually, everyone will know who the bad-guy really is, just stay calm, don't lose your cool and stick to the facts...that is the only weapon you can wield here.

I am sorry for rambinling about my situation but when I read your post I could feel you were as frustrated as me. I hope and pray for calm and rationality for you.

Rev,
xx.

November 10, 2005
9:07 am
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mystified:

Well, I have been on both ends of this stick. Here is what I can share.

W/ the evil X. I did not tell my family anything. So, when things happened he had the upper hand coz he made me look crazy. He was a very good con. I kept the abuse to myself, I kept his drinking, cheating, everything to myself, I even kept that he stole from my folks to myself, I even kept that I think he conned my x-sis-n-law to sleep w/ him and that nailed the coffin to their divorce. So, when i finally did come out to my family, they didn't believe half of what I said. My dad and my sister believed me. To this day, fifteen years later, my mom still loves him and thinks I lied about the abuse.

With same evil X I kept things on his side of the family. When we had problems I went to his sister who was so happy I was out of that situation and then I find out she's tellin him everything as to when I am gone (so he could steal), when I went out (so he could refuse to bring the kids home), etc. etc. I did not go to his mom tho. To the ones in the family that could hold him accountable.

As it went the divorce went thru. I signed my life and almost the kid's lives away just to get rid of him, for another 14 years of hell as much as he could dole out.

This is my experience w/ the evil x in very short version. I know how that had I kept my folks informed they may have been mad at me for a time, told me I was stupid, or whatever, but he would have never gotten the upper hand. He'd have never been able to make my next 14 years a silent hell, or the 12 we were married.

With my marriage to my now hubby. My folks know his background. My folks know he has had trouble staying on the wagon, but not near the extent of it. But, I have gone to his folks when I have needed to and they have held him accountable. I still know that if push came to shove then blood is always thicker than water meaning his family will always ultimately side w/ him, as mine would w/ me. Seen it over and over in the law office. But for now his folks are helping, if they were not I would go to my family, specially after what happen the first time around.

I want to repeat the paragraph Rev said to you "So...why do they do this? why do they insist on trying to make you look like a monster and them the victim. Well...one word "GUILT" they can't face up to themselves enough to realise how they have failed...and so they try to shift the blame on you. These people in their heart of hearts HATE themselves. God love them is all I can say. As far as how to behave...stand your ground, gather your proof, take notes, be on your guard for mind-games and finally stand back and say nothing...until someone actually questions you. As my lovely grand-mother used to say "The truth will out" eventually, everyone will know who the bad-guy really is, just stay calm, don't lose your cool and stick to the facts...that is the only weapon you can wield here. posted by rev".

Again, you are the only one that can make your decision. I agree w/ not airing every little thing that happens, but I have learned the hard way not to be the martyr either.

November 10, 2005
9:15 am
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You have had such a hard time. I can't believe it. You are so lucky that your younger sis shut the phone on him. You see at times you need someone like that, it gives you power even just for a minute.
I can't tell my brothers (4 older), or my dad as they will take this so personal and my dad will take him to court, My hubby will end up in jail for fraud and everything else in between. A few months ago i stayed at my parents to get away and after a week he rang my dad and said that i don't clean and cook, i don't take care of the shopping, all i do is go out all day...which is crap! He lied through his teeth, i was shocked as i had never witnessed behaviour like this before (it's the drugs). Instead i got the shits, stayed at my parents for another week, hearing from my brothers and my dad what a bad person i had been for mistreating and disrespecting my hubby, and you know what i still didn't say anything.

When you said say nothing till someone questions me, what do you mean?. Do you mean i should've told my FIL when he questioned me, or just wait till i have all the right info. I'm sorry honey but i'm desperate so i need to be accurate in what i do. I totally agreed with you on the "gathering info". I'm going to start calling banks,debt collectors and even our family lawyer who we went through to purchase the house. You see he forged my signature on the house documents because i was busy that day and my hubby told me he rescheduled but he hadn't in fact he just signed my debt to the grave.

I appreciate your response...it has really helped, you just don't know how much it has.

How are things currently with you? Are you coping o.k since the miscarriage. Just to let you know that most women go through post natal depression even after a misscarriage, so what you went through is "normal" and very common. Hope you doing well.

Mysti

November 10, 2005
9:26 am
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi MamaC,

Thanks for that, Geez i didn't realise that my problem is common. Well i'm confused as to play the martyr or tell my family.

My family have heard things here and there and they suspect things, but until they hear it from my mouth, the man i married will always be their adored one and only son in law.

My dad,mum and my bros think he is gods gift to the world and to me. Even when i had problems and they didn't know why he had problems, they still welcomed him in the house and treated him like f...... royalty. His family on the other hand,ignore me, don't even ask about the baby kicking and don't even treat me as an existing soul. They adore my 3 year old and her father...thats it. Anything attached to me is pretty much emotionless.

I can relate so well to your response mamaC. Did the truth eventually prevail with EVERYONE, because i feel that i ahev been treated unfairly and oneday i want the world to look down on him with shame for knowing him and accepting him as a freind (i sound eveil!)

Mysti

November 10, 2005
9:34 am
Avatar
Regret
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mysti,

I understand that this man is your husband, the father of your daughter and an unborn son. BUT, why you want to shield him from your parents and the law beats my imagination and makes me wonder if you are unconciously trying to play "saviour" role here. He has destroyed your credit rating which means if you really needed anything credit based for you or your kids, you won't be able to have it. Plus, you probably won't even have his support and I doubt if you will have that of his family.

If I were you, I would tell my Dad everything. So let him take him to court- it will not only show that you are not a liar or a crazy person. It will set the records straight with regards to your credit.

These are just my 2 cents worth. As for they making you feel guilty, i think both Rev and Mama are right. They live in this fantasy that they are the victim all the time- never once owning up to their part in the drama.

Good luck and please remember that in moments like this, you need all the allies you can possibly have.

November 10, 2005
9:40 am
Avatar
revelation
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mysti...thanks...yes, I've never actually had a baby...but I gather what I'm going through would be quite similar to post-natal depression...its been a living nightmare to be honest...but I have been in counselling since september and stayed with that all through the 2nd miscarriage, so thats helping me, I'm gathering mental strength, its really helping.

To clarify...with your FIL...no, you were caught off guard, you were probably right to say nothing as you were not prepared. What I would do is get a diary...there is stuff that you will think of during your day...little paraphrases, write them down, then get in touch with all the pro's (banks and such) and gather together your case, then write down everything you have to say and want to say...get prepared, and then next time FIL or anyone else comes over...breathe deeply and say your piece...don't let it all out at once...just calmly state the facts clearly and concisely, and if you are prepared you'll be able to do that. Its like at school when you have to read a book and then write about it in points-form...remember that??? Well, its the same thing...instead of you spewing out everything at once and confusing and muddling things, thus not getting your point across, you will have it all synopsised for yourself. OK, you know what to do now? It will take some time...but go do it ok?

As for your own family...they don't need to know everything, you need to sort out what they NEED to know for what's none of their business...brief them so they know what to expect, be clear about it and again stay calm, they will see by your demeanor that you are telling the truth and are not being the "irrational scorned woman" type....running around trying to say your piece like a deranged lunatic (I've done that, just makes you look really crazy). No...just be calm, business like and to the point.

Thats why I didn't want to tell my family soon as I had the miscarriage...didn't want to scare them by going to them in sobbing-tears, wanted to wait until I could tell them matter-of-factly and calmly....

November 10, 2005
9:45 am
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Regret,

I may have known the answer deep deep deep down but had to hear it or see it in this case from someone.

You are right, i do need the allies since i'm going to be jobless,single mum of 2 and absolutley broke!

I do want to do this but i feel he may snap out of his mood, and may have destroyed him and our chances 2gether(i think i need to get codepenant no more). But then again do i want to be in debt forever,will i ever be able to to fully trust him again really. i plan on studying next year so i won't be working and plus even if we got back together and we both worked i'll never be able to give my kids the education i wanted of them since our life will be based on paying interest only....

Thank you Reg xo

November 10, 2005
9:59 am
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Rev, As of 2mrw i'm gona start doing that....again! I did at one stage then felt decitful to the man i said "i do" to so i burned the ugly memories when he said he was gonna change. No sooner i did that (he didn't know offcourse)i got the biggest slap in the face...i gave him my savings so he can pay a few things off then realised he was lying and he changed back to the heartless man he had been all year. so i will start my book of "ugly times" and will get him back for what he has done, in order to bring the "good times" back in mine.

Rev i appreciate your response. You mentioned the counselling is helping which is wonderful to know because with my first child i thought i had a wonderful marriage i didn't go through a depression, but i know with this one that there is a very high chance i will, and it will last for a long time because i have been so upset throughout my whole pregnancy that my child will be born with the prepared lungs to cry all night and pay me back for not loving him when he was inside of me. I'm just reading alot trying to educate myself to handle the situation when it happens.

xox

November 10, 2005
10:03 am
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

PCBUTTERFLY where are you?. hope you, your man and the kids are doing o.k.

Miss ya honey

xoxoMYSTIxoxoxo

November 10, 2005
10:07 am
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mysti:

It is not evil to want to be vendicated. I think it normal.

Did the truth prevail w/ everyone? No, my mom still loves the evil x and doesn't think he did anything I said he did. She has also stated multiple times that my now hubby she will never get close to coz she doesn't want hurt. Alot of why I don't tell her things.

Yes, I found out that more than not knew what the evil x was up to. I had several walk up to me on the street and say they are glad I am away from him. The pastor called me in and told me that divorce was not wrong in this case and he knew what the evil x had been doing. I was totally shocked that so many knew and yet I sat in that home like a good little wife should w/ my kids.

Hard to say. But know that whatever you decide to do is what is best for you. Don't go back and second guess your decision ever. You do what is right for you and right that will get you the results you need for you and your kids.

November 10, 2005
10:15 am
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you MamaC. I just can't wait for that day when his little world crumbles...... Well he shouldn't have asked me to marry him if he was going to do this!!!!!!!!!!

MamaC, did you find happiness in your next marriage?

November 10, 2005
12:19 pm
Avatar
Regret
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mysti,

I am staying out of the marriage arena cos i have never been married. However, with the issue of the finances, this is what i think.

Where do u live? America or Europe? I once worked with a credit card company in UK and i know that although they can be shrewd, some of them still have some way out for people. I don't know the laws in America that well though. However, it wouldn't hurt to check if wht i am saying here is applicable there too.

1. Get all the debts together and know factually how much you are dealing with. Then get all sources of income together. And finally, all forms of spending. This should be the essentials- food, heating, water, etc.
2. Call the bank and discuss this with a customer service advisor or a member of the payment assistance team. Their duty is to help you when you cannot pay your bills. Depending on your exact circumstances, they may advise the consumer credit services or arrange a payment plan together with you. There are some payment plans that only allow you to pay the principal spent without a whole lot of interest. However, this will also get recorded with the credit agencies. However, my take on is that right now, the non-payment is being reported anyway so it wouldn't be that much of a big deal.
3. Cut down as much as possible on all extras for a while and follow the plan to the letter- make all your payments on time and if for any reason, you cannot make it, call to discuss it at least two weeks before the due date. In this case, they can shift the payment due date for you.

Well, the rest with regards to the education for the kids can be discussed after this hurdle is passed. Calling the credit agencies etc might ruffle some feathers etc and if you can get your father's weight behind you, I suggest that with his help, you get your husband to commit to follow through with this plan. Have him there when you call the bank and discuss every step of it with him. And then, accept it/decline it.

Whether this works out for you or not, he has to take responsibility for what he did and be made aware that such behaviour is unacceptable not only by you but also by the society in which we live.

All the best to you and yours. Hope this helps some.

November 10, 2005
12:34 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mys,

I would be very careful about my motives. I do agree that its bad karma to be vindictive and not good for yourself respect. However, if you feel that your family does not see your husband in the reality of who he is I would not hesitate to set the record straight particularly if you feel that they would be supportive of you. You do not have to protect your husband from anything. Just take care of you.

I will say though that I think you were wrong in this situation:

" i scream at him,swear at him and throw things at him (yes yes they are all true, but he doesn't listen to me and provokes this reaction). "

It is never acceptable to be abusive. You and you alone are responsible for your actions no matterwhat the other person said or did short of fighting for your life if they are trying to rape or kill you.

November 10, 2005
12:49 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

If you live in the USA, first talk to your lawyer - cuz during the divorce, you will need to determine which bills are his and which are rightfully yours. Even if your name is solo on the bill - he can be responsible by order of the court if you can prove the debt is his and not yours.

Next - if you get stuck with a HUGE debt. There is a company called CCCS - or consumer credit counseling service. It is the highest recommended one, recommended by the government and all the lending institutions and most lawyers and such.

anyway, they will do a debt analysis and put together a package to help you pay off your debt. it could takes years and years - but they arrange with the creditors to pay you down - and negotiate terms and interest rates and payments.

IF they see that paying off this debt is totally out of your hands - they WILL recommend bankruptcy if there is no other way.

and bankruptcy isn't a bad thing - expecially in this situation - where you didn't really incur the debt. And in bankruptcy, you CAN rebuild your credit after six months - there are plenty of ways to get "secured" credit until your credit is better - and a first time homebuyer can even get a mortgage after two years without a cosigner and get a car after two years with a cosigner.

So, the finances aren't the end of the world - they can be worked with.

But your emotional health, physical health and mental health need attention now...do what's best for you and the kids - the rest of the family can take a back seat.

November 10, 2005
3:14 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Mystified:

Yes, I have found happiness in this marriage. We most definitely have our ups and downs and rocky roads. You've probably read my now hubby is a recovered pothead. But, he has gotten up and tried again each time he's fallen off the wagon. It's been 16 months since his last falling, but the difference is now he says it's not for him. Before he always justified.

That aside coz it's not even what we are talking about. My now hubby has stood up to the evil x and has stayed w/ me thru all his crap. He's also stayed by me thru my illness which is goin on 10 years now. I have stayed by him thru his times of trial also. I cannot say it has not been interesting. lol. But I wake every day knowing he loves me and he the same. No doubts on either side. That and alot of giving 110% factored in and YES, I have found happiness.

That aside. I agree w/ Ali. You need to get the advise of an attorney. Might as well retain him coz looks like you are gonna need him. LOG, LOG, LOG everything. Do not show your hand (tell your hubby what you have on him) coz you'll need it later possibly. Don't let the financial part tear you up. I got stuck w/ 75,000 in debt and no job and he walked w/ over twice that. It was worth it to get rid of him. Last, do what's best for you and your kids. Always.

November 10, 2005
6:32 pm
Avatar
mystified
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you to all of you. i have gotten up this morning and ringing the local governement assistance line here in Australia (syd). Apparently they have a free legal advice line. I'll let you know how i go.

By the way, the law in Australia is:

If you have a bad credit rating in my case i do, then it doesn't get wipped off your name until 5 years.And absolutely NOBODY will lend you money.

If you file for bankruptcy then it's between 7-10 years depending on how severe your case is, in my case it's about $600k (joint).So it'll probably be 10 years.

My husband has also committed fraud under my name, his name and he also has done it for other people to get quick cash. So if i go legal, investigations will be voluntarily done by my legal representative so he is going to find out alot, my hubby will end up in jail for (no joke) at least 10-15 yrs.

What a mess!

Thanks all

Mysti

November 10, 2005
7:05 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Misty))), just don't try to protect your hubby, in the long run it gets messier. To share a small story, my sister-in-law got tired of my brother's drinking one day and when people called from his office she told them he was asleep and to come and get him and they did! My bro has been in denial and that was one step forward for him. I congratulate my sis in law even if I suffer for my bro. Take care of yourself, be there for your kids. Best, sininho

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
24
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information