Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
pathological liar for a husband
February 7, 2006
2:54 pm
Avatar
cookys
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi everyone. I have not been here to the site since the end of the summer. I guess I have been dealing with the issues on my own. But, after a break down that lasted since Sunday night, I guess I probably need some help.
My husband has a MAJOR problem with lying. Not just to me, to everyone. But for some reason, I feel like I should be the one that does not get lied to. Except for a few white lies about money, I have never lied to my husband, cheated on him etc. I am very, very good to him. I do everything for him.
Anyways, because of the past lies for the last 5 years, that is how long we have been together, he constantly sits me down and explains how he will never lie to me again. I have explained to him how much his lying hurts me. To me, lying, cheating, it's all the same. So, he gets me to trust him once again.
Anyways, he is a truck driver. He tells me he has a load to pick up, and has to leave quickly. I nicely say, why not sleep a few hours before you leave? He states that another driver broke down and the load is sitting at a truck stop. (This is true, I saw the paper from his company). So, about 3 hours after he leaves, he won't answer the phone for an hour. When he finally answers the phone, I hear cars, beeeping, and men talking, he hangs up on me. He shuts off his phone until Saturday afternoon. When I talk to him at 3:00pm, he states he should be back by 8:00pm. This means he is already 2 hours back into his drive home. Yet, at 5:30pm, he tells me that he is only 50 miles further than the last time I called. Anyways to get to the point, he didn't get back until; Sunday afternnon. When he handed me his diesel and toll receipts, it showed that he didn't even leave the company until 8:00pm Saturday night, what does this mean? It means he did not leave Friday night, he left Saturday morning, and he was lying about where he was at, so that I wouldn't wonder why it took him so long to get there. He probably went out with one of his friends.
Because I know that he likes to lie, I have given him many "outs". I tell him, please dont lie to me if you go out. You work hard and deserve some fun. Just please give me the courtesy of letting me know. If you don't want to tell me something, I would rather that you hang up on me, or tell me its not my business, than to lie to me.
When I confronted him, he said "okay, I lied, what are you going to do?" I do not drink. I went out and got a quart of beer, drank it along with some pills. I woke up in the bathroom in a cold sweat, feeling like i was going to throw up and pass out. He made me crazy every since I confronted him Sunday night. He shut off his phone, and was mad at me. He called me a whore, and told me to move out. Why??? He told me not to confront him with a lie, unless i had solid proof, i did. Now what??????

February 7, 2006
3:18 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

cookys,

your husband maybe a compulsive liar and can't stop lying on his own not matter what his intentions are. How can you even beleive him when he promises not to ly again?

It sounds like he got very defensive when you caught him in a lie. His reaction to you was very asbusive rather than take responsibility for himself and be maure about it.

If this problem is driving you to be self-destructive then that's a huge red flag about this marriage. A relationship needs to bring out the best in both people, not the worst.

What are you getting out of staying in this marriage?

February 7, 2006
3:35 pm
Avatar
cookys
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

He told me just now on the phone that yaes he lied, and if i stay with him he will keep lying. Do not ask him where he is or what he is doing. why is he doing this to me????

February 7, 2006
3:43 pm
Avatar
toyia
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

>>>why is he doing this to me???? >>>>

Cookys

I have asked myself, that type of question a zillion times, trying to understand him.
finally, I asked myself...

Why am I taking it?
Why have I permitted it?

I know you can't beat him up.....but somewhere the line must be drawn.

Mine lies, and when caught, he covers with another lie, faster than you could tell the truth.

What kind of woman accepts that treatment, I ask myself.

My answer.....One who disrespects herself and permits another to disrespect her.

It's so hard to take.....I try, like you, to do all the right things.
All I can say is.....I may need a guy who appreciates it ..or no guy at all.

I have financial issues now, you may also. I swear if I didn't, I'd be history.
Still I believe him again.

But, I'm getting stronger...I hope for you!

February 7, 2006
3:47 pm
Avatar
cookys
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

you are so right, i dont respect myself enough, so why should he respect me. if i did one thing to him like he has done to me, he would leave me in 1 second-for sure

February 7, 2006
3:59 pm
Avatar
cookys
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I told him that i was moving out, i can't take it anymore. Why is it that he lied, and its all my fault? Why am I a bit*** for finding out his lie? I don't understand why he puts me through hell for his lie?? Aren't you embarrassed?? Don't you feel stupid that you lied and got caught?? Don't you feel stupid for convincing me that you have changed?
He wants me to be so smart when it comes to dealing with garages when he gets his truck fixed, getting a good price, and i do. He wants me to be smart when we owe 80,000 in taxes, but i come up with enough receipts, after a lot of hard work, to bring it down to 6,000. Yet, I have to play a dummy when i know he is lying to me, just to void a fight. no, it doesn't work that way

February 7, 2006
4:21 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

cookys - welcome back. This has been going on for years and has it gotten any better? Does he still get angry and physically abuse you too? The last time that I spoke with you, you had gone to your sister's or parent's house because he kicked you in the stomach in front of his friends and your baby. I have to be brutally honest and tell you that the lying is only ONE of the many issues that this man seems to have. From what I remember in your other threads, he has lied to you for years, he is verbally and physically abusive, he has cheated on you, he doesn't spend any time with you socially, doesn't take much of an interest in helping to raise your son, is gone for days at a time but comes home long enough to have sex, and then leaves again. In my opinion, this man has stripped you of all of your confidence... so much so, that you won't leave him. All of the apologies in the world, without any efforts to change his painfully unacceptable behaviours, should be wearing pretty after five years. I sort of remember, when you came back from a few days away from him, he apologized profusely again, and agreed to take some steps towards helping himself and the relationship. Did he ever do that? Honey, you deserve so much more - YOU are worth more - your baby is worth more. When are you going to start living the life that you deserve. Believe me, I know it's hard to leave someone that you love... but at a certain point, you really need to think about YOU and where you see yourself two years from now. Do you see yourself taking more of the same abuse? Do you see it getting worse? Or do you see yourself living the peaceful, happy life that you deserve? I WANT THE BEST FOR YOU! Please know that I'm not trying to be harsh - I know you're in pain. But please consider the last five years of your life, the issues that you've had with your h, and where this relationship is truly going. Be honest with yourself. You have my support no matter what you decide - but I just want you to know that there is an easier life out there for you to live. Love - Shaney

February 7, 2006
4:28 pm
Avatar
cookys
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

shaney,
you are right, about everything. it's the same old cycle, minus the physical abuse. He has stopped that, he holds himself back, since the summer, there was only one incident, where he threw his boot down the stairs as i was coming up, i thought that he broke my thumb. compared to our history, that is a major improvemnet. its the lying that just wont stop. i want to believe him when he says no more lies, though that is just another lie. you are right, i feel as low as i can get. my face is swollen from crying for two days. what is wrong with these people who claim to love you, and then hurt you. i am sorry, but you cannot truly love someone, and then watch them hurt as a result of their actions. he turns it all around on me. he said lets drop it. yeah that would be easy, yet, i think i desereve to know why he lied, what did he do that prompted him to lie. he says that that is not my business.

February 7, 2006
5:09 pm
Avatar
cookys
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

well, igot him to admit that he lied, he went out got drunk and slept in his truck. i made him apologize for playing games. and ou know what came next, since he apologized, he told me, now, get your stuff and get out. because he cant say he is sorry and still feel like a man and that he is in control i guess, then he shut off his phone

February 7, 2006
5:43 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Cookys, this man doesn't even treat you like a friend! *hug* I'm so sorry, you're worth so much better than this!

February 7, 2006
5:54 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh cookys - I'm so sorry that he always seems to leave you feeling so low. Let your history together be an indication of what you can expect in the future. The abuse that you are receiving, may not be as bad as before, but it's still more than you deserve or should tolerate. He may have apologized, but by telling you to get out is his way of still being able to make you feel bad while he maintains control - you're absolutely right. I have to say, that if he was truly sorry for his actions, he would make an effort to change them - to save himself, you, his son, and the marriage. By turning things around and placing blame on you, he's keeping you right where he wants you - quiet, submissive and afraid. He also maintains his "get out of jail free card" that allows him to deflect blame and therefore, avoid having to change. I don't doubt that he loves you - but his way of loving you is unhealthy and sometimes dangerous. It has worked for him though, considering that you're still there. Why should he change what is working? He has no reason to change as long as he continues to get what he wants. It's sad... but very true. Unfortunately, loving the HELL out of someone usually doesn't provoke change... in fact, the way a codependent loves probably inhibits change in someone. If you're waiting for your h to change into the loving, unabusive, honest man that you've always deserved, you may be waiting forever. I hate to say that because I know it's hurtful, but unless YOU do something to change YOUR situation, expect more of the same from this man. Find strength in knowing that this doesn't have to be your life - you don't have to settle for the abuse and the lies. You can have a wonderful life. It may take going thru some initial pain, but it will rid you of this prolonged suffering. I would personally take the pain, over what could be a lifetime of suffering. You're young, and you're smart - don't waste those qualities on someone who tries to strip you of those things. Use those qualities for your benefit and the good of your son. Something to think about. :o) Hang in there.

February 7, 2006
6:04 pm
Avatar
DIC
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My hubby lies all the time too. I know how much it hurts because I feel the same...lying, cheating, stealing all the same...but you can't let his lies make you crumble...I know the pill feeling too, but it's just not worth it...he only called you names and confronted you that way b/c he's mad that you caught him. Funny thing with liers they change the focus of the argument so that it becomes your issue not the liers. They're good at it too. Just know that you can't trust him and that he will lie. You just have to trust your instinct and take care of you. I'm new to the site, but I have a lot of time in the whole deal and I might not always practice what I preach, but I'm beginning today. Focus on you and leave him to his lies. Good luck, Hang tough and remember you're worth it...DIC

February 7, 2006
6:33 pm
Avatar
cookys
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thank you everyone for your responses.why can't i get him to see himself for what he really is? I know that he loves me in his sick love kind of way. i know he doesnt want me to leave, or he thinks i never will. but i cant go through this every day, week, month. this is not a way to live. he is the typical charmer/abuser, when he is nice, you have never heard a smoother talker, you are beautiful, like a model, you are my everything, icould never live without you; another face:get your shit and get out, i hate you, you are a whore i wish i never met you. and i say okay because i caught you in a lie, i am no longer a beautiful model, i am now the whore. i have done nothing wrong, had i slept with 20 men in the past few days, i could understand better. but, because i caught you in a lie, i am a whore, well what exactly does that make you?? I hate him for not being the kind of decent guy that he could be. he loves himself too much to ever change, and i guess i dont love myself enough to change /getout

February 7, 2006
6:53 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

cooky I remember you. Im so glad you are back. Gosh you sound like such a wonderful person. I like you, I can tell you deserve much much better. these type of liars rarely change. You cannot do everything for this person. I have know a few of this type. I too learned the hard way. we all love you. You deserve the best of love. Give this to yourself. Love yourself. You will end up a much stronger person and be able to stand up for yourself and eventually won't take this abuse. Please hang in there. Your future is at stake so please remember this is your future and you have the ability to change this. He cannot. And if you stay you will live the same way, nothing will change, your situation will only get worse. Save yourself because you are worth saving.

February 7, 2006
7:32 pm
Avatar
Shaney
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It's so hard. Many of us fall in love with someone's POTENTIAL to be the person we want them to be. We ignore what is right in front of us and who they are at the time, just because we catch a glimpse of what they COULD be. And then we wait... and wait. And before we know it, years have gone by before we realize that no amount of time, and no amount of love, will change another person. I just don't want to see this man chip away at you until there is nothing left of who you really are. Don't lose yourself cookys. You only have one life - why not look back with pride and a sense of peace. You'll survive letting go of a bad situation - but I can't see you surviving a lifetime of lies and abuse. You have choices, cookys - make the most of them.

February 7, 2006
7:59 pm
Avatar
gingerleigh
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Coookys, this one question of yours says it all...

"why can't i get him to see himself for what he really is?"

Why? Because you can't make someone do anything.

It doesn't matter how loving, beautiful, kind, nurturing, understanding, skinny, smart, dumb or other definition of perfect might be rattling around in your brain (or his). NO ONE can make him do anything but himself.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
26
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information