Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
past 40 and lonely female
May 10, 2001
9:19 am
Avatar
misery guts
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I've just found this website and hope it's going to be like having a chat with friends!
I wondered if all women feel like me? I'm 41, 2 kids, full time great job and lonely as hell! I get in from work and my husband , who looks after the kids, goes out 'to take the youngest out of your way so you can relax'. I've tried to tell him that I want us to relax together and that I can see that he needs a break too but the balance is all wrong. I don't feel connection with him even though we get along really well and don't row. I just feel a deep lonliness all the time and don't know why or what to do to put it right. I told him how I felt and he said he was glad I'd discussed it with him but that he didn't think he would be able to connect to me in the way I wanted and what would I like to do about it? I ended the conversation wishing I hadn't said anything but I thought I should try to bring things out. We have seperated in the past - 3 years ago (because he was seeing someone else) and I'm feeling the same as I did then although he isn't 'playing away' I do trust him. Please help!

May 10, 2001
10:17 am
Avatar
stern
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

misery
Hi I am almost 40 and somedays I also feel very lonely. I only have one child and have never been married but for the most part I try and go out and have fun. When I say go out and have fun I don't mean go to the bar or anything like that. I play tennis,ride bikes,hike,draw,paint,e-mail all my friends,play with my son. Please don't get me wrong not even all that keeps someone from feeling lonely. Oh by the way Im also a female. Im sure there are plenty of males thats are just going to jump all over the lonely female thing. I hope you keep posting and I'll talk to you when you do. I hope you have a nice day and keep your chin up.

May 10, 2001
10:25 am
Avatar
misery guts
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Stern - thanks for replying, hurrah! I'm not on my own! Maybe I'm just a mardy cow and I should count my blessings but I know I'm not a self-pitying type! I do stuff too but I suppose I just want people and not stuff. Got to go because I'm at work but keep posting so we can chat later - thanks again.

May 10, 2001
11:24 am
Avatar
Molly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You are way far from alone, they just can't be our all, and when the kids get older, there is less for us to focus on, so we think we have partners to play with, and they have different ideas. We need to entertain our selves. Beware the men looking for lonly females, most of them are married men, looking for a thrill, that is not what we need.

May 10, 2001
2:47 pm
Avatar
stern
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Molly
Yes I agree about we need to entertain our selves...but is nice to have someone to just to chat with. As far as BEWARE of men looking for lonely females looking for a thrill. Thats is not what we need, hell just go to my job and you can find plenty of married men looking for a thrill. I often wonder if some of them never get love at home or if they are that big of pigs. I don't know however I do enjoy chating about what ever.

May 11, 2001
10:49 pm
Avatar
ranmar
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Stern,
Not all married males are desperate animals, looking for a thrill. Sometimes, we just need someone else of the opposite sex to talk with and throw ideas out to. I have benefited so much by this site, just getting feedback from predominately females. It has given me a different perspective on my situation, where my wife has pushed to disconnect, while I am fighting to keep it together, with two daughters. I have to be patient and wait out my wife's soul searching of herself. Meantime, your husband sounds like he has frustrations that he hasn't let out, and your bringing up your disconnection allows him to agree with you and push for some kind of outcome from you, so he doesn't have to take the blame or responsibility of doing it. Have either of you gone to counseling? Does he have any objections to doing so? If he does, that should tell you something right there. Good luck and keep posting. It truly is beneficial......

May 12, 2001
3:22 am
Avatar
misery guts
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ranmar, thanks for the male perspective. It's an interesting view that he has frustrations that he hasn't let out and it's very possible that he is not even aware of them himself. When we talk he says he is completely happy with his lot (he is a very laid back, balanced person) and I think I must frustrate and mystify him because he supports me in the home (I am the breadwinner) and says he could not love anyone more than he does me, and yet I'm still not happy! You're right the page is beneficial - it is opening my eyes to what a self-centred old bag I am!

May 12, 2001
10:09 am
Avatar
stern
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ranmar sorry to sound like all married men are desperate animals. I just work with a pig and I come home very angery somedays. Sorry again!

Misery- To hear you call your self a self-centred old bag is sad. Hell age 42 is the prime time. I have been dragging my but all my life and I know I am going to be 40 in just a short while. I have started to live I think! It is scary but if your sad or lonely take small steps but start having some fun. You are far from an old bag. I hope you have a great day! Chat with ya later (work time)

May 12, 2001
12:12 pm
Avatar
ranmar
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Stern sounds like she needs a little happiness and fun in her life. Whether your mate wants to join you in these ventures or not is his choice. I have chosen to always tell my other half what I'm going to do, go for a walk, dive, etc., and I always invite her to join me. Whether she does or not is by her choice. DOn't wait for the other half to initiate it, because if they do, sometimes it's out of guilt.With respect to Misery Guts, could it be that your husband tells you he is comfortable with his role, but in reality, is getting "hazed, teased, whatever" by his fellow males. You know, we are suppose to fit into a role model, being the caveman, going out and slaying the dragon, bringing home the hunt, and giving it to our wife to clean and cook it. Unfortunately, you are in the minority, and he may be getting hazed by others, or fighting this lack of supposedly masculinity, by being home and not being the bread winner. I don't envy his role, since todays society still looks down on us if we don't provide for the family... we are considered losers or dropouts. I still think he is fighting himself in this role, and it is coming out as anger and frustration.

May 13, 2001
10:42 pm
Avatar
Asa
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

MG

I could have sworn that the two first sentences of your thread were written by my wife....I was almost afraid to read on. She is 41 and I'm 42. I have stayed home with my daughters for the past 3 years and while it's been a great life experience for me to be the male staying home and being with my girls, the loneliness and disconection I feel with my wife many times is over whelming. We planned to start to have kids during a time that our marriage was not as stable as one would hope. Now that the focus is on the kids, we have made very little time to be together and there has been little improvement in our relationship, other than acknowleging that we are both very good parents. I heard recently that if couples make kids their number one focus, chances are quite high that eventually mom or dad will be explaining to little joey why one of his parents left. This concerns me. My wife is head strong that kids come before our relationship and I very much disagree. I have had a hard time telling her this because many of our conversations go negative and they sometimes end with talk that infers separation. Our marraige has been rocky for a few years but I know in my heart that trying to reconnnect is the best way to find happiness in the relationship with my wife. I have no intentions of waking up somewhere else without seeing my beautiful girls. This thread has no answers to give you but to let you know that other people your age struggle with the same loneliness as you. Join me in trying to work it out with your spouse.

May 14, 2001
11:18 am
Avatar
misery guts
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

WOW! Asa - I think I must be married to you! What you quote as being said by your wife could have come from my lips about kids being more important than our marriage. My husband has always maintained that I come before the kids and I've always maintained that my raison d'etre was the kids. It's a fine balance I think and something that has to be worked at. In ouer case splitting up is not an option - been there, done that and I'm not about to put my kids through that again. Thanks for the empathy though it helps big time.

May 14, 2001
6:15 pm
Avatar
ranmar1
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Asa, I take my hat off to you, sir. Although I am the traditional bread winner, and my wife is/was the stay at home mom, she has now decided that she is "entitled to have a life and some fun on her own". Therefore, she has taken up golf, going to junior college, goes out for lunch with the girls, and pretty much does whatever she feels like. I think she has made her life #1, although she says the kids are. Notice, I'm not even in the running for #1 or #2 position. Now we are at a point where she needs to decide if she can continue our relationship and marriage. I say yes, she says she doesn't know. Again, I take my hat off to you. Misery Guts, where does he fit into your scheme of life? #1, #2 or what? I know I would love to be #1 again.

May 15, 2001
5:15 am
Avatar
misery guts
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Good question, Ranmar. I don't know if it's different for women but it is impossible fior me to put him over my children - they are more important than anything - it must be biological! He is #2 I think and I am about #5 after #3 - job (keeps the roof over our head) and #4 the rest of my family. At the risk of sounding brutal your wife sounds bored with her lot - do you do anything together?

May 15, 2001
7:29 am
Avatar
stern
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Misery

I think a mother should put her children #1. I am not judgeing you but for myself I would have a hard time with a mister mom at home. I just hope this man is doing right by you. I think it's great you well stay in this relationshipfor the kids however, you have to look out for you heart too. If your heart is happy your kids heart will be happy.

Ranmar- take your wife out, buy her some roses, leave her a little I love note somewhere befor you go to work. Give her a call out of the blue just to say how"s your day going etc..... I'ts the 2000's and woman want excitment in there lives. Not sit at home and be the mom of the 50,s good luck!

May 15, 2001
4:24 pm
Avatar
skimbleshanks
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Mis,

So, you're saying that he knows you want intimacy from him, yet he asks you what you're going to do about it?

Sounds like he's distant and wants to stay that way. If I were you, I'd tell his you NEED it, and need to take care of your needs. If he doesn't understand, I'd explain to him you will look for it elsewhere. Not as a threat, but just because you need to take care of yourself.

May 16, 2001
9:02 am
Avatar
misery guts
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Skimbleshanks

No way would I make that sort of statement, I'm not the sort of person who says things they don't mean especially such potentially damaging tit-for-tat! He isn't going to change his heart and feelings because of something I say is he? I think I need to deal with it but not outside of our relationship!

May 16, 2001
6:50 pm
Avatar
damaged
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

shankes
Im sure glad your not my conselor.

May 17, 2001
5:01 pm
Avatar
chippy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It takes 2 to tango and give and take.

Focus of giving your husband what he may need and see if in 2 months time there is not a big change in him. Treat him special and try to get inside of his head....propose new things to do together...perhaps ask him some of his dreams....maybe help some come true....he may realise he needs to do the same for you. Isolation from others is a defense mechanism....if you are in a giving frame of mind your walls and isolation may come down. If he is a distant man this may not help.

Good Luck.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
28
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110922
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38536
Posts: 714207
Newest Members:
Corties, patrickstayes, kevinkovalsky, izzy39, RoyFollman, kevin021
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer