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partner prefers jerking off to me, what are your thoughts on this, im hurt as hell
June 25, 2007
6:42 pm
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StronginHim77
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A psychologist once shared with me that a husband who is masturbates while watching porn probably has intimacy issues. He has elected for "fantasy-based" sexual activity, rather than intimacy-based sex with his wife. In short, it's a huge red flag of trouble within the marriage.

Go with your gut instinct on this. But I would like to add my personal take on it. When you married, you took a vow to "forsake all others." Seems to me that a husband who is lusting over the naked bodies of other women is not exactly "forsaking all others." That would not sit well with me, ethically or morally.

July 1, 2007
7:14 am
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eurogurl
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well thank you for all your responses, varied, and informative. I just want to reply to WD who said "perhaps my partner doesnt find me attractive"
Well, thats most certainly not the case, and im quite attractive to probably a broad audience of men. I know for a fact he finds me attractive, that isnt the problem.
He is making love to me once a day, sometimes, like this past day, three times, two quickies, one in depth love making, usually in the evening..when we have time.
I just confronted him about the "bath time"
He spends atleast an hour in the bath, and i asked him, i suspect hes choosing to take that time ( not always in the morning ) to relieve himself, sexually.
Now , of course, he was upset. I confronted him with this information, AFTEr i asked him if he wanted to make love ( when he said he wanted to go have a bath ) and he said NO. That is the first time he has ever rejected me.( other than me catching him jerking off on the net to other women during our physical seperation - this is the cheating episode i speak of )
Now i forgave him, and i keep trying to put this behind me, but im still suspicious, and when i talk about it during a period of stress or when i feel like were not doing too well, he will say " you always go back on the past to make me feel guilty, and that is what will ruin us, not my infidelity:"
well, hes much younger than me, which shouldnt be an excuse, but i already have insecurities about that as it is,...etc him looking at younger women.
I never really felt too much insecurity in my life before, but in this relationship, because of what he did ( online sex ads, and web cam sex )
I have become paranoid from the pain. I expect him to be patient and understanding with me, during this time , but i get blame and anger from him.
I know i shouldnt of confronted him this morning, but i was angry.
i believe hes masturbating in the bath, when he could be making love with me, and trust me, we need it.
I desire intimacy with him ( not just sex ) a couple times a day. Its not cause im some nymphomaniac, but i love him and want that intimate contact with him...we used to do it in the morning and in the eve, now its just the morning.
I dont get any affection from him in the morning, he says its cause we have too much to do in the morning, but we could still take a quickie...
i dont know, perhaps i should be happy hes making love with me once a day, and forget the masturbation thing, perhaps it is controlling on my part, to some degree.
Like i dont want him to feel controlled at all, but it hurts me to think hes fantacising and directing his sexuality, elsewhere, again, instead of me.
During our relationship, i have caught him several times, logging onto web cam sex sites, and writing sex ads. He says he never followed through on them, but i believe he did, atleast once, when we were apart.
He swears hes stopped all that, and ive been checking, and it seems he has, but i dont know, i love this man with all my heart, but ive never felt so hurt in any relationship, and ive beent hrough hell in past ones.
I truly love this man, but i think maybe he has some addicition. he, of course, denies it

July 1, 2007
10:55 am
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taj64
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Once a day? Wow that is way better than most people. It does not sound like you completely trust him yet. Trust takes time to rebuild. Im sorry for what you go through. It takes time though. Maybe go to couples counseling?

July 1, 2007
11:09 am
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Loralei
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If you're having sex with him once a day, I really don't understand why you think you have a problem there.

But I will advise you of one thing. It sounds like you are smothering him to death and that alone will drive him away. Give the guy some space and some personal freedom. He will love you all the more for that. Your insecurities will be your downfall, not his self-gratification.

July 1, 2007
7:44 pm
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AQueen
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Now that you've shared more of your story I really think you should chill and let the man be! I don't think he's doing anything wrong. I do think you're being petty though, sorry but it's my opinion. You say you have a nice looking younger man that finds you attractive and you have sex daily, what's the problem? Everyone needs time to themself and some people like to masturbate, this has NOTHING to do with you if your still having sex daily. It's a problem when a man no longer sleeps with his partner and chooses masturbation over sex all the time. I understand that you're peeved he looked at some stuff online and did the webcam thing when you were split up, well you were split up at the time--let it go! Being super clingy needy naggy are all ways to run your guy off. Relax and breathe a little. Men DO NOT FIND CLINGY SEXY. Never ever do they find clingy sexy.
AQueen

July 2, 2007
7:07 am
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eurogurl
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haha sounds like some jealousy poppin in there:) ya im fortunate, i have a great younger man, great sex life, and a wonderful life all around.
Thanks for pointing that out, im grateful as hell.
I will let things go...
I just was betrayed during our physical seperation but we werent broken up at the time, we were engaged, so ya, whole different scenario.
But im willing to trust and let sleeping dogs lie.
Ill get back to my great life, and great relationship..hope you all find the same, some day!

July 2, 2007
8:59 am
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risingfromtheashes
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eurogurl,

I am late to the game here, but just wanted to say that it doesn't look like he's "replacing" you at all.

And your need for "intimacy" three times a day? Sounds like you are trying to ease your insecurities. And having them is fine, considering, BUT, it's YOUR job to ease them, not his.

As everyone pointed out, once a day is really wonderful...how can you get three times a day in and still have a career or get other stuff done? I know that if I was wrapped up with my partner three times a day, I wouldn't get anything done...people need space and time to breath, to do other things, to have some time to focus on other things/responsibilities.

Work on your own insecurities.

IF - BIG IF - there is something going on...it will shake out...but it will take longer if you are "hovering" around him...if you give him his space, things may get better...or if he's doing something wrong, you will find out quicker.

I learned from my experience with my ex...if you play detective every day, not only do you lose yourself, BUT, because he is being watched, he is more careful about not being caught. If you let down your guard, he will too, and if he's doing something wrong, you will catch him faster, as he won't suspect you are watching and he will slip up eventually. But as long as you are being vigilant, so will he.

I don't think this is the case here tho.

And honestly, if he's in the bath, he can't be using a webcam or porn or anything, as I suspect you know what's in your bathroom and there is nothing there.

July 7, 2012
3:14 pm
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soofootoo
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I'm so sorry to hear this.

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