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partner prefers jerking off to me, what are your thoughts on this, im hurt as hell
June 24, 2007
6:49 am
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eurogurl
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i read this post on the net, im shocked.
am i really insecure and messing up our relationship by saying im devastated he chooses mornings to jerk off , instead of making love to me.
he has cheated on me.
is this his way of ensuring he doesnt cheat on me, by fantacising and jerking off in the mornings, while im aching with desire for him to make love to ME< ? im really sick of this, it makes me feel like crap, like im not worthy, im not sexy.. we make love every evening, but it feels mechanical we used to make love every morning and evening, before the infidelity, and seperation, now he jerks off every morning and we only make love once a day. i really need help on this do i need to let this go is this my own insecurities? this is what i read on the net about this issue: i think this is a warped response, but id like to hear what you all have to say about it. Is He Jerking Me By Jerking Off? Doctor: I need some clarification. My husband has masturbated taking a bath when I am ten feet away in bed. This upset me because I was right there and I felt as if he did not desire me or if he picked fantasy with masturbation over have sexual intercourse with his wife. I have been trying for the longest time to get my husband to openly tell me; without me asking, when he masturbates because it turns me on and I want to know his fantasies. It seems as if he has a problem with being intimately open in that manner, but yet he will masturbate in front of me when we are intimate. I am so confused that I am starting to think my husband is addicted to masturbating. I have also asked myself if he has a sexual orientation problem. Before we got married I asked him to stop looking at porn on the internet and he said ok. Well I was on the computer one day and found a few down loaded porn movies. Well, I confronted him by asking him if he had been going to those sites or not and he bluntly lied to my face. Then I told him, come see I have something to show you. Then he blew up. Also, when husband and wife watch a porn movie together and then have sex, is the husband enjoying and thinking of his wife or not? I know it is only natural to find someone attractive, but I think that going to the extent of thinking of them and getting off is wrong and some what cheating in a marriage. Well, I think you know what I mean. =============================== Hello! Let's see here, you confront him, complain to him, henpeck him, nag him, spy on him and you're surprised that he is underground about all of this? What in the hell are you thinking???? You have a very severe insecurity issue going on here. Yes, I already know what you're thinking, "But *he* caused it!" No my dear, he didn't cause it - you obviously had it before he met you. This has nothing to do with him - it has everything to do with you. More on this in a moment. Let's deal with the masturbation issue first. Many people (both men and women) sometimes prefer masturbation over sex. Frankly, it's just easier and quicker! 90% of the time, men do most - if not all - of the work during sex. Many women feel it's fine to just lie there and be "done". If a guy's going to have to do all the work anyway, it's often just easier to do one job rather than two - or more. Let's face it; you girls are very complicated when it comes to sex. All of this doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or find you sexy. In fact, it has nothing to do with that at all. It's just a matter of convenience. Further, when you're spending your time concentrating on someone else, it's very difficult to work on your own sexuality! That is what private masturbation can be all about - growing one's own sexuality. Now, let's talk about the porn, fantasies, etc. If you've read many of my articles, you're going to learn something very important: men are not monogamous. That's just the way it is. Neither your husband, me, your father, or any other man is monogamous by nature. That's the way we're wired. However, we can CHOOSE to be. This is obviously what your husband has chosen. By looking at pornography and fantasizing away from you, he's not treating you or your relationship with disrespect at all. In fact, he's helping to insure that his promise about being monogamous to you is kept! Porn and fantasy are safe ways for men to explore our polygamous natures while still being faithful to our partners. Stop seeing this as a threat, and start seeing it as the benefit to your marriage that it is! For you to set him up to fail by spying on him, asking him about it and then busting him on it, all you're really doing is telling him that he has to be better at hiding it all! Is that really what you want: for your husband to work even harder hiding it from you, or would you rather have him bring it out in the open and feel comfortable with it - and you? I thought so. Now, back to you: If you think you're going to be able to nag him into only doing sex the way you want, forget it. What you're actually doing is killing off your own sex life with him! Do you think all of this makes you sexier in his eyes? Don't count on it. You're actually pushing him further and further away by introducing all sorts of added stress into your marriage. Here's my suggestion: (warning: this is going to mean that you're going to have to grow up): let up on him completely about the porn and masturbation. In fact, you should even encourage it. Tell him that you've come to your senses about it, and you want your sex life together to be rich and full, and that you realize that anything that helps him with his own sexuality also helps your sex life together. At the same time, I suggest that you feel free to masturbate too. Use this time to grow your own sexuality. Trust me, you need it. Then, when you get together and have sex, make it fun! Take away the pressure and get back to the exploring that you use to have when you first got together. Have lots of great, powerful, playful, fun sex, and feel free to masturbate together if you enjoy that. Find out (again) what he wants in the bedroom, and tell him what you want too - even if it seems "unusual". Frankly, there's nothing "unusual" in sex - it's all been done before. Give him room and freedom to enjoy himself and it will all come back to you in bed. Finally, start working on yourself. You don't need to feel under attack by any of this. It can be a very powerful way to grow your marriage - or you can continue to do what you've been doing all along and work to break it down. The choice is yours. Best regards... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

June 24, 2007
3:27 pm
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StronginHim77
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Good Lord. What an appalling posting.

No. It is NOT OK for your husband to be masturbating, instead of having intimate, sexual contact with you, his wife. There is more to sex than physical pleasure. There is an intense, intimate exchange between two souls in healthy sex between husband and wife.

Also, if he is looking at porn and masturbating, that constitutes adultery. Adultery is NOT the physical act of having sex outside of the marriage bond; it is the DESIRE to do so. If a man is looking at the naked bodies of other women and masturbating, he is lusting after women OTHER THAN HIS WIFE. That is adulterous and no wife should be subjected to it.

- Ma Strong

June 24, 2007
4:27 pm
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fantas
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All I have to say about this is that the responder to this post is full of crap!! Your partner is being disrespectful to you and I think he is addicted to porn.

June 24, 2007
4:54 pm
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loverbee
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I think it is totally unrealistic to think that once you are with someone they will never want to masturbate again. Masturbation is healthy and can help you to learn. It is not that it is choosing over you. Every man masturbates and so should every woman and I think if he is having sex with you the majority of the time, than masturbating every once in a while is not that big a deal. Just my opinion. By the way, on my way to greece, it is thunderstorming here on my vacation so I am online finally after a few weeks. Hope all is going well for everyone.

June 24, 2007
6:21 pm
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chelonia mydas
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Eurogurl,

I'm sorry that this person had such a caustic, hurtful and totally inappropriate responce to your concerns. Keep in mind that anyone can say anything, it doesn't mean that they their ideas are accurate or remotely helpful. I would dismiss this person's advice- it isn't worth the time it took to read it.

As for the initial issue of your husband preferring masterbation to intimacy with you... have you considered going to marriage counseling? Masterbation is a normal part of life, but anything in excess is not. It sounds like you have some issues in your marriage to work through. If you have tried to work it out with just the two of you, then it might be helpful to find a good counselor that can help you work through this. Intimacy is more than just physical contact and if you aren't intimate with eachother- then that is definately something that both of you need to work on together.

Just a little bit of advice on counselors... be sure to interview them and it is OK to go through several before settling on the one that you plan to seek help from. Be sure that both of you are comfortable with your choice and it might be most helpful to find one that specializes in intimacy and sex.

I hope you work through this rough patch of your marriage.

Sending you comfort and good thoughts,

Chelonia

June 24, 2007
7:58 pm
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CAMER
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HI EURO, this will be a big topic with many responses...the most important is you feel hurt cuz he is choosing mastrubation over you.

Yes, it maybe normal to mastrubate, but when he chooses it when you are 10 feet away, hmmmm, that would hurt me too, i could see if you told him YOU were tired, or you didn't care, but you do care.

Some men live in a "fantasy" world, not reality, with feelings, etc.

I too hope you work thru this rough patch, and keep posting here...the most important thing is you are hurt, and does HE care how you feel?????

(((camer)))

June 24, 2007
8:33 pm
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red blonde
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EURO ~

That is a bunch of crap! My Xbf whom I lived together with for 8 years before I could not stand it any more - had a porn addiction. I thought he was only looking at it in the evenings - WRONG!!!!!!

At first I didn't know that he had a porn addiction BEFORE we started going out which was almost a year. Then I didn't know about it for another 2 or so years AFTER we moved to another state and where I bought a house! Then our intimacy and sex life went drastically wrong, once in 2 months, STILL didn't know he was addicted to internet porn and xxx movies, which he still hid and kept a secret. I started thinking alot of different things at that time. Tried everything I could do to be desirable. Then he started watching it in the evenings. What I didn't know was that he was getting up an hour earlier before he had to get ready for work and masturbating every morning to PORN! When I asked him to stop...he wouldn't...HE blamed me and then he made me feel that I was less of a woman because he would rather jerk off to porn than touch me or be intimate with me.
I got to the point where I started to humiliate myself and beg for or make appointments for SEX. The next thing I know, he wants me to start swinging...and to try out some of the most raunchiest things that he saw on the internet porn on ME! When I refused...he started looking for a partner that would! And we went to counseling after I through him out of the house, because I thought there might have been some hope for our relationship....WRONG!!!!!
He didn't care to work anything out, all he cared about was jerking off to porn and finding someone else who would let him do some of the really gross and raunchy stuff. Well, I guess he found her! And I sit here thinking, wow, she REALLY must have a low opinion of herself to allow that .... or to keep him.

June 24, 2007
9:06 pm
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bevdee
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Eurogirl,

I don't believe that the husband is actually cheating by taking matters into his own hands. I mean adultery? Could that be listed as grounds for divorce? Alienation of affection naming Mr Hand as the Alienator?

However, I do believe that preferring masturbation to true intimacy speaks of a bigger problem, one that should be paid attention to.

It does no good in trying to gain an understanding of human nature to heap shame on an individual by judgement and inference. That just makes folks feel dirty, and masturbation isn't dirty.

June 24, 2007
9:23 pm
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red blonde
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Bevdee ~

I understand that masturbation is a healthy outlet and that we should not heap shame on to any individual by judgement and inference. And, in my case there was a BIGGER problem - the addiction to internet porn. And when my xbf/SO went to counseling to work things out. His 'addiction' was too great. The counselor recommended some other counseling for him, which he refused, and she flat out told him and me that the 'addiction' to internet porn was the fastest growing addiction in comparision to alcoholism and drug addiction. And she was a 'couples/relationship' counselor who has apparently had alot of other couples in for the same reasons. If he is willing to go to counseling to work on the relationship and to work on the addiction, I am all for it. But from the way our counselor talked, it has ruined many relationships. I am not talking about masturbation to relieve sexual tension, nor am I talking about it being "dirty", I think a certain amount is healthy for both men and women alike. But Internet Porn is taking it to different levels which are not healthy at all, whether you are in a relationship or not.

June 24, 2007
9:28 pm
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red blonde
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Hell, I confess I masturbated as well because I was becoming extremely frustrated by the situation. But I wasn't masturbating to internet porn, I was using my own fantasies and imagination, and it wasn't on a daily basis! There have been others who have posted to the AAC site who have had the same problem or situation. There is healthy and there is unhealthy. Where does one draw the line between the two?

June 24, 2007
9:44 pm
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bevdee
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Red,

I agree. "But Internet Porn is taking it to different levels which are not healthy at all, whether you are in a relationship or not."

My neighbor and good friend's husband is in prison for this addiction. It's not a joke. I hope you didn't think I was responding to you. I was responding more to the masturbation is adultery theory.

(((Red))) How you been?

June 24, 2007
9:50 pm
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hi....

I am one of the people who has posted about this issue. Eurogurl, that "expert advice" from the internet is one person's opinion, and not expressed in a very respectful way to the woman who wrote in hurting.

As red blonde points out, there's masturbation (and/or porn use) that is not problematic, and maturbation (and/or porn use) that is problematic. Fortunately there are some resources around to help a person whose relationship is suffering. Patrick Carnes has written several excellent books about sex addiciton, and internet porn addiction definitely qualifies. I suggest you have a look at his books and see if that helps.

Good luck and best wishes...

June 24, 2007
10:46 pm
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red blonde
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Bevdee ~

I am not doing well right now. Very down and disheartened. Probably because I haven't been sleeping well, have been experiencing flashbacks and nightmares. Sometimes, I feel (and probably shouldn't say this) that God just hates me.

June 24, 2007
10:52 pm
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Gosh when I read a lot of the posts here about different men with all these different problems it saddens me to know that I've had experiances with many of these problem men. I had the cheater, the porn addict, the alcoholic, the drug addict, the emotionally unavailable, the afraid of commitment, so many messed up relationships and the sad thing is I haven't been a in a bunch of relationships it's just all the relationships I've been in were messed up. I'm happy I'm alone working on myself for once.

Now that that's out of the way let me share something with you. I was a exotic dancer for 6 years. I have breast implants and I've even been in porn. You would think I wouldn't end up in a relationship with a porn addict right? WRONG! First I found all these charges on my cable bill for xxx movies that I didn't rent. Then I found porn on the computer. He went to counseling and stopped for awhile but I eventually left him because it grossed me out. I understand the need to masterbate, that's fine. But to excess and choosing to pleasure yourself constantly instead of being with your partner is selfish, dysfunctional and weird! I think he chose me because he thought our sex life would be life a porn movie but that's not real life! Porn actresses don't have sex 24/7 when they are at home with their guy. I only did porn in Los Angeles for a short period of time. I was a wild child for a few years. I'm only 28 and I feel old sometimes because I've experianced so much! Now I'm all about taking care of my son and finishing school. So it doesn't matter if you look like a porn queen or a regular woman it's not about you, it's his problem. Remember that.
AQueen

June 24, 2007
11:30 pm
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All I know is that I was in a sexless marriage for six years, and I am assuming he just masturbated. It was not that he could not get an erection he was just not interested in me that way. It destroyed my self esteem, and I tried everything. All I know is that everything I tried did not work, and in the end and I find that most men are attracted to me, so maybe I just wasn't the one for him. We could be really good friends but he just didn't look at me like that. ?Or maybe he is gay, or maybe this or maybe that or maybe whatever, I never figured it out.

June 25, 2007
12:14 am
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I can write about this from both sides. One of my ex bfs (longterm seven year relationship) would masturbate during days when there were also nights he was not having sex with me. I felt neglected. He also used porn. First, he was an alcoholic which probably had something to do with it. My needs were never recognized, he kept saying that "it's an apparition of men" whatever the hell that means and being dimissive about it. He did end up cheating on me, I left him as soon as I could prove it. I shouldn't have waited that long.

Another bf and I had intense sex and had it frequently. He said he didn't like porn because it made HIM feel inadequate. I don't know why. Why had awesome sex (one of the few things that we had going for us until drugs killed it). It was really good and you kind of get "in the habit" of being sexual/ being satisfied... so that I thought about him when he wasn't around and masturbated. He did the same. I don't know, call me naive, but my needs were being met- if he jerked off ten times a day without me I wouldn't have felt as bad as I did with the other one.

Then there were the ones who were middle of the road, we had good sex, but they had their stupid magazines and porn. I got upset of course. I don't need porn when I have a real guy, I don't know why they do. I think this "but men are different" is not as true here as people like to think. It is convenient to say that I think. Men are different, sure. But a lot of it is nurture and culture. People underestimate the sex drives of women. Men need to quit using this bull as an excuse to behaving insensitively towards women. If they have cumpulsions they "can't help" well, if they love someone they should at least address the issue and work on it.

-ella

June 25, 2007
12:50 am
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Sometimes a person wants to do it solo--nothing wrong with that.

The only trouble is if one partner is being deprived or neglected.

It's funny, I used to read so many complaints by women to the effect of "my husband wants more than I do. In fact he wants it almost every day!"

And the response from women was "sex is not the most important thing in a relationship."

It is even possible that your husband is not attracted to you. Which is also ok, it just means you aren't compatible.

And yes, sometimes a man or a woman will become so obsessed with porn that it makes it hard for them to relate intimately with their partner. That would be a problem.

I suggest first trying to work it at the level of relationship rather than just put blame on your husband.

June 25, 2007
12:54 am
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Let's not over analyze this. No, he is not cheating on you. Lighten up, join in when he masterbates.

June 25, 2007
1:29 am
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wow kenyatta. that's so lacking in empathy I can't imagine it's very helpful.

WD, not all women are like that. As I posted above, many of us have sex drives that are quite high. The "blame" should be placed on either partner that is not willing to try to understand the other. Quite often, when a person is having their needs met elsewhere- porn, masturbation or otherwise, they are not the one who cares to resolve the problem and are often resistant to open discussion, much less coming to understanding. They are getting what they want. Sometimes a guy just doesn't realize that he is hurting his partner and is loving enough to speak with her. Doesn't mean it will change him. Just means that they will have more care and trust than before possibly. My first relationship was like that. We were teens, you really think that guy was ready to give up his porn? He just tried to make me understand that it was all he knew up until then, and he always made me feel loved, and I was. These things are complicated I guess. But if someone is not recognizing that the other is hurting, or that their needs are not being met, well I would say that person isn't keeping up their end of the relationship. Blame? Yes. Can you blame someone for lack of reciprocation? It is dishonest to pretend it's there when it's not. So I would say yes.

-ella

June 25, 2007
7:00 am
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yes kenyatta,

how do you know this person's partner is willing to allow her to "join in" when he masturbates?? I think that's assuming a lot.

June 25, 2007
9:49 am
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bevdee
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Red Blonde

I'm sure god doesn't hate you, and I'm equally convinced that the cosmos is not against you. But it sure feels that way sometimes. I hope you are feeling better today, hopefully after a good night's sleep.

(((Miss Red)))

June 25, 2007
10:17 am
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risingfromtheashes
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Okay...I'm a little liberal and open minded when it comes to masturbation.

I had a BF who liked to jerk off, in fact, he did it ALOT. It was his way of dealing with stress...it was pleasurable, released endorphins and made him feel better.

He wasn't doing it watching porn or reading a smut magazine...he just did it.

I never found an issue with it. I kind of understood, cuz myself, I enjoy it as well. Sometimes the quick release is like a good cup of coffee, it's energizing.

Now - as for your guy doing it in the morning...MANY guys wake up with an erection. And given most people's rush to get ready for work in the morning, I imagine there isn't alot of time for slow sweet lovemaking. He's probably looking for a quick release to start his day. Wake him up. I know that some women enjoy a quickie...but many don't...and if your guy asked for a quickie every morning to wake up, you may be complaining about feeling used because he only wants quickies.

So, he gets it done, goes on his way.

I know that many times I just want a quickie and don't want to get all hot, bothered, sweaty and stuff.

Now - if there are other issues - like heavy interest in porn...that is more addiction like...or if he is neglecting you the rest of the time...or if he is choosing masturbation over love making more than just his mornings...yes, I could see it a problem.

On the flip side, I would also say that in the end - no matter what ANYONE thinks...if this is painful to you and it's a deal breaker kind of thing...then that's ok too. When it all comes down to the end...the reality is we need a partner who shares our values...who we can see eye to eye, or be able to compromise enough that we get along well long term.

EVEN IF this guy doesn't have a problem...if his behaviour is affecting you, then you need to evaluate the bigger picture and determine if he is a good match or not.

As you can see from your responses, everyone has a different view of this situation...in the end, all that matters is what YOU think.

June 25, 2007
4:20 pm
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rising-

"I had a BF who liked to jerk off, in fact, he did it ALOT. It was his way of dealing with stress...it was pleasurable, released endorphins and made him feel better."

Yeah, my ex and I would BOTH do this for that reason. And sometimes together, and this was different than our more affectionate/sexual times together. It was something more a long the lines of what you are saying, a release. It was relaxing. We talked about how it is a HEALTHY thing for the mind and body to do on a regular basis. I liked that, different from sex that rocks your world, but serving a different function. It was nice because we would quietly lie together and hold each other.

My ex had to work his way into that though. He did NOT like masturbating in front of me at all in the beginning of our relationship. He was inhibited which is weird considering his history. Then he came to love it as we became more comfortable together. I didn't demand he do it, we just communicated a lot. He tried it and was more than ok. He eventually would tell me erotic stories about him touching himself when he was alone and want to hear about me. We had to spend some time apart, so a lot of this was over the phone if we had privacy or together just as things started to heat up. Men (and women) can adapt when they are in love, and broaden their horizons. It isn't always hopeless.

eurogirl-

Maybe your guy does not want to do this in front of you? But it does feel good and he is not willing to give it up? Maybe you can pursuade him lovingly by telling him you think it would be sexy to involve you (even in the mornings for a quick "mutual masturbation" time), as kenyatta said. I do understand that you feel left out and neglected as things are. I definitely hear you. I have been in that place and it hurts.

-ella

June 25, 2007
4:29 pm
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Looking4Peace
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I love how men always use the "we're not monogomous by nature" excuse to explain their lack of responsibility. This responder is a complete ASS. Fantasy and masterbation ARE normal, yes. But when they replace your partner, they're not normal, NOR okay. And eventually, the fantasies won't be enough anymore. This person should have suggested counseling!

June 25, 2007
5:48 pm
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nappy
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You say that he loves to masturbate in the morning. But he is still making love to you.
I don't understand.

Maybe that is his time for himself. You say that you are insecure and maybe that is what the problems is.

All mens does it, even when they are little. To me that is there time and a woman shouldn't get mad unless he is not making love to her AT ALL. Then you do have a problem.

One of my ex's did it but he didn't want me to know. Now I am not crazy because I know that mens does that, even when they are old but he would jump or act like he wasn't doing anything when I would walk in on him, I had to let him know that it was alright. Well he was fine with that because I didn't have a problem with it.
Nappy!

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