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panda
March 22, 2000
9:25 am
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panda
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September 29, 2010
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I am married for 10yrs. my husband is a recovered addict2yrs. My life should be wonderful! It's not I feel like I am not the same person. He put me through so much & the kids. Now he thinks things are so great but they aren't. Ifeel like it's my fault. We argue alot. We don,t do anything together or apart. I have brougt this up and he says I'm selfish. He told me a mnth. ago he was leaving maybe that would make me happy.

March 22, 2000
10:26 am
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J. C.
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Panda. Tell me...what is it that you like to do? You said that you never do anything together or apart...well, no wonder you're not happy. You need to do things for yourself with or without him. I wish I knew how to just GIVE you the motivation you need. With him being a recovering addict, surely you have experienced some emotional abuse...that's a given. Emotional abuse tends to eat away at your self esteem and holds you back from the things you like. How old are your kids? Are you capable of getting out for an hour or two without them? You really need this time for yourself. I had recently switched from full time to part time work and now, I miss being at work so much. I have a certain passion for the work I accomplish on the job. There are some things that I really hate about the job, but I always took pride in the things that I was able to do myself. At home more with the children, I find myself coloring with them, except they aren't allowed to touch my drawings anymore. It's like 'I'm doing them for myself' now...not just playing with them. You're not alone...and try not to blame yourself. Relationships need to people to do equal amount of work to get the job done.

~JC

March 22, 2000
12:19 pm
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TJ
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I think it's so easy to blame your self or your partners in an unhappy relationship. I think you need to maybe step back and look at the situation and think about what it is that you're unhappy about. And then think if you want to work it out. You don't like the fact that you never do anything together or alone. Well, what would YOU like to do with your partner or by your self? You can't just say oh we never do anything and then just leave it at that, instead, I think you need to take some initiative to do something about what makes you happy. Communication is key between a relationship. Talk to your husband. I'm sure he would want to work it out with you. Make a list, both of you. Tell him about the things that he does or doesn't do that makes you unhappy. He can do the same. Exchange your list, go through them together, acknowledge each other's concerns, and promise each other that you will make the best effort to solve these issues together. But make sure this is not a 'blame session'. Maybe instead of saying 'you never do anything with me' or 'I'm so bored with our life' try saying 'I feel neglected since we haven't done anything fun together in a while, what do you think if we take a night out, have a nice dinner together and a movie afterward.' Of course say it in a way that YOU are comfortable with but make sure you're not 'accusing' him of anything. It's so easy to play the blame game and start the name calling but that doesn't accomplish anything and will only make matters worse.

That's just my 2 cents, I'm not very good at giving advise but I hope this helps a little bit. I guess you need to decide how bad you want to save your marriage and if YOU are willing to make the effort. Of course it takes 2, but who wants to take the first step?

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