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PAINFUL nightmares of abuse-soytuamiga
April 29, 2010
9:54 pm
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soytuamiga1
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ok.. I know it has been a while since I have actually talked about my problem...

(If you have not heard my story) I was molested by my step father for 5 years, age 7-12 (i might have gotten the age wrong before, but this one is right i was thinking it thru) it was every night, everytime he got a chance.My mother trusted him, so he was able to take me away whenever he wanted to.
I stayed quiet about it because he would threaten me. His first threat was "if you dont let me, ill do it to your sister enstead" and i said id let him as long as he let her be happy. And so he did, then he used my mom as another threat.
he would tell me that he made her really happy and i would ruind it for her. Then he started with the "nobody is oing to believe you" speech. so he pretty much manipulated me since i can remember. I thought he loved me, that he would me the "daddy" i always wanted. Then i was able to come to the US and stay with some family, it was supposed to only be vacation but then i decided to stay so my brother who has Cerebral Palsy coud get better medication. Then a year later my mom, stepdad,brother, and sister joined....I was soooo scared.....(crying..sorry havent talked about this in a while) he didnt do anything for a while, then my cousin who is a year younger than me said to me " i think someone was standing at my door last night, I think it was him" i completely went into panic/protective mode... now that i think about it, he was probably planning to manipulate me with her too..but anyway then one day i went to go get my brother from his room and my brother ran to me crying, naked, and he was sitting down fully clothed. my brother didnt know how to dress himself, and he was supposed to be dressed a long time ago. so then i went up tp him, and told him to never put a hand on my brother, and called him a nasty bastard,that i would make him suffer for all he did. The next time that really hit me was the day i had to go to school...i had to go but i needed my sweatshirt so i went to the room to get it, and there he was with his pennis out,telling me to go to him. I SCREAM MY MOMS NAME so he wasnt able to hurt me because he wouldnt have time.... then i went to school, 8th grade, i was crying my whole busride, cried all day at school. then after a while i saw he had more interest in my cousin, she was in 8th grade too but she had a 19 year old body, i was so afraid for her,my brother, and my sister. I was ALWAYS WTCHING HIM, NEVER GAVE HIM A CHANCE. Then i had to tell my cousin, i was so afraid for her, so i warned he, i told her "stay away from him, dont talk to hi, lock your door at night" she said ok i trust you,so she did. After a couple day she asked my why, so i told her. Then one day we went to a mall, my whole family in two different cars, in one my aunt, my cousin, and me, in the other my mom, grandma,brother sister and uncle. my stepdad was home. So on the way back my uncle got to home first,because my aunt took my cousin and I to mcdonnalds. Then on our way home my cousin said do you want to tell her now or should I? I tried but i couldnt get the words out, like my lips were tapped together. then i nodded so she would tell the story. My aunt just listened, then called my uncle to meetus at a store parking lot. He came to me open the car door and gave me a hug, apologizing as if it was his fault. For the first time i felt protected. Then he called the house and said. "tell him to pack his bags, he will be out of our lives tonight" and so it was. When i got home, tere was shouting, tears, he denied everything,but with the little strength i had I yelled all he did to me, the places he touched me, when, and how. I passed out from not breathing,and woke up the next morning...he was gone.

its been almost four years since that, but now im having nightmares.

SO REAL
SO SCARY
SO PAINFUL

I wake up numb, cant move my legs, my heart beats super fast..just extremely scared.

I know that the movie "Precious" triggered them, andnow they dont seem to go away.. im scared to dream at times...im reliving my painful childhood.

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO...

April 29, 2010
11:56 pm
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chelonia mydas
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((((Soytuamiga))))

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Do you have access to counseling?

I want to write more, but am too tired right now. But I wanted to at least let you know that you are not alone and am here to support you on your healing journey.

April 30, 2010
12:52 am
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chinadoll
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soytuamiga,

please consider going to counseling if you haven't yet. It will be a safe place for you to talk things out and work through the bad feelings and nightmares.

I went to counseling with a man who specializes in trauma therapy. If there is someone like that in your area, that is the best kind for what you are going through. I could not talk about things without shaking and feeling my chest tightening up. He helped me to be aware of how my body was reacting to what happened to me, even though it wasn't actually happening when I was only talking about it. It will help you with stuff that triggers the memories, like the movie.

I have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), from when I was raped at 14 & 16, and during the rape when I was 16, the man tried to kill me. I was babysitting for my neighbor at her house while she worked overnight at a hospital. The man broke in the house trying to steal stuff, and found me sleeping in the living room. He did not want to leave me alive, but they never caught him. He never had to pay for what he did. I had to go on for years looking over my shoulder thinking he would finish what he left.

Also, I was in an abusive marriage, and my ex-husband tried to kill me also.

The trauma therapy will help you with the flashbacks, nightmares, and re-living the abuse. It will also help you to trust again and make good boundaries with men, so that you can recognize healthy and appropriate relationships. You deserve to be happy and to have a good life. I don't know how old you are, if you are married, or if you ever plan to get married and have a family of your own someday...

if you can find the courage to go through the counseling, which I know you have it in you, you are already so brave for speaking out here. I know it will be really hard to open up to someone you don't know, to work thru all of this in counseling, but I wish it was something I had done when I was 16, but my parents did not encourage it. I think that if I would have dealt with it when I was younger, I would not have married my ex-husband. I would have been smarter and stronger, and made a better choice.

Wishing you the best
{{{HUGS}}}}

May 4, 2010
11:42 pm
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soytuamiga1
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thank you chelonia and chinadoll:)
I am 18 right now, and yes I am considering counceling, i just feel so bad... I live at home, im still in High school. I dont like talking about it and I asked my mom a couple weeks ago to set up an appointment for me and she asked me why...it was so painful to see the expression on her face. She still feels so guilty for not seeing it, and having it go for so long without her noticing. She loved that man so much...so she is still hurting because she trusted him so much and hurt me soo much. My mother loves her children more than anyone and i love her too, so i feel like im causing her pain everytime she asks me about it...
I know I cant get better on my own anymore, its getting so much worse!
Chinadoll: about my relationships...mmm Ive been with my boyfriend for almost two years now and it is very difficult for me. I love him and he loves me, he is whilling to wait untill im ready to move forward in the relationship. As for my sexuality...thats what is making me more unconfortable...I want to be able to have a sexual life with my boyfriend, but i physically cant....im scared I'll never be able to do anything..like I want to I know that, but my body stiffens and I cant focuse because I was always so used to trying to be in another world, living in my fantacies, think of anything but what was happening(thats what really got me from the movie, the girl did that a lot too) so i dont know...i feel like I should be able to go on with life like everyone else....I just cant.... ough im so overwhelmed with all of this. Finals will start soon so I cant miss any school...Il have to go to counceling after may.

and chinadoll...how did you feel confortable with a man as a councelor.....i was thinking about that, i want to request a girl...

May 5, 2010
12:56 am
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chinadoll
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amiga,

I felt comfortable with this particular man for a counselor, because I had met him and had a chance to talk with him for a while before I went to him for counseling. You can request a woman if you are more comfortable, it is totally up to you.

I actually wanted to have a man counsel me, because I wanted to build up my trust for men, and I also wanted a man's point of view about relationships. But, as I said, it is all in what you feel comfortable with.

The counseling will help you with your relationship with your boyfriend. You are fortunate that he is understanding of your situation. At the time when I was 16, and my high school boyfriend at the time, he was not understanding at all (but he was also 16 as well). He was more concerned with what others thought. He kept breaking up with me and getting back together, that lasted a few months until it was over.

The counseling will definitely help with all of your feelings and thoughts that you are having. You shouldn't do anything that you are not comfortable with, and don't do anything unless you want to, not because you feel like you have to. Take your time to heal. These things happened to you over a period of time, and it is going to take a while to work through all of it. Be patient with yourself.

Most of all, know in your hear that you did not do anything wrong, no matter what he told you, do not blame yourself for anything. I know what it is like to feel that shame. But you did not do anything to deserve it. And be patient with yourself. Do not feel bad or mad at yourself for how your are feeling.

Maybe in time, you and your Mom can go to counseling together. She is going to need to cope with her pain also. She should not blame herself either. The only one to blame is your step-dad. He is an adult that should know better. He was selfish in his actions. If you and your Mom are able to talk with each other about how both of you are feeling, it will help both of you heal. You are not causing her pain, he pain is already there. Your step-dad broke all of his promises to her as a husband, and he broke all of your dreams as a family.

No, you can't get better on your own. I thought I could, but realized years later that I was wrong.

My boyfriend that I have now, I don't think that I could have been open to meeting him and him wanting us to be together if I had not healed from everything. He is very caring and understanding of what I have gone through. I did not tell him everything, but he knows enough, and he doesn't ask for details. He knows I was hurt terribly, and he is very loving and patient with me. I never wanted him to feel like he was being punished for everything the other men did.

Good luck with your finals. Take care of yourself. I am here for you.

{{HUGS}}

May 5, 2010
8:53 am
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It No Longer Matters
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You can get better. I just want to offer you that hope and scenario. It happens to more people than you think. Some to a greater degree and some to a lesser degree but it leaves a mark on all of us. I am glad you wrote your story out.

Bitsy

May 5, 2010
4:01 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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Hey Amiga!

This is what happened when I saw the lovely Bones.

I had never heard your full story before. =( I'm sorry.

Are the nightmares like vivid flashbacks? For the past few months I have been having nightmares about when I was abused and it was like it was happening all over again. But I'm not able to stop it. and it's like I watching it happen to myself.

What you said about your relationship with your boyfriend.. well I feel the same way. But I'm not even able to let myself get into a relationship. I push every guy away.

I'm really sorry you are having nightmares about it. My therapist told me that I was having nightmares because I am avoiding dealing with it and talking about it.

I also think it is a good idea for you to get a therapist. they have ones that specialize in dealing with sexual abuse victims and helping them heal. and be able to have relationships without associating it with the abuse.
I said that I had to have a female. for almost everything I ask for a female.

sea fuerte mi amiga! <3 love yah!

May 6, 2010
12:03 pm
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soytuamiga1
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yea, its vivid...but its not just my stepdad in my dreams...its random men trying to abuse me....ough i had one and the men said "dont worrie you know what im doing, ill do the same thing he (stepdad) did to you" that scared me so much!

May 6, 2010
2:39 pm
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scarlett ohara
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soytuamiga...i am 49 year old mother of three adult children and two granddtrs...i also was sexually abused be a stepfather for a least five years....i began to have panic attacks after my children were born...PLEASE tell your mom how you are feeling....you need to talk with someone....i am now a social worker and have gone through years of dealing with this....when i married my husband i would have flasbacks...PLEASE honey i can't express it more tell mom she took him away from the situation but now you need help to heal...you have a whole life in front of you!!! Don't carry this as i have done!! make peace with it!! you sound like such a protector watching out for your sister and cousins...you have put others welfare before your own but now you must take care of yourself!!!i believe that even though the abuse was horrible it made me the person i am today! i help many many people...you are VERY strong..stronger that you realize!! Hang in there and please keep in touch!

May 6, 2010
4:09 pm
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StronginHim77
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I am so glad that others posted who have suffered what you have so bravely shared. Based on their recovery experiences, each has encouraged you to seek professional counseling for your own recovery.

This is NOT going to lay a guilt trip on your mother. In fact she will probably feel relieved that there is something she can do to help you come out of this "hell."

Definitely, get some professional help to address these serious issues. Heal the wounds, so that you can move on to a normal life with confidence and peace.

- Ma Strong

May 6, 2010
5:35 pm
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scarlett ohara
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Ma Strong.....i can sure tell you know HIM.....just by your words and thoughts.....i am glad that soytuamiga has a group of family that made the effort to stop the abuse i am sure they will be strong enough to support her through her healing...a mom can be a powerful tool to a dtr after abuse or she can put the noose around her neck...God Bless...

May 6, 2010
11:36 pm
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soytuamiga1
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(scarlett) thats very true, thank you! I guess thats my way out, to put others before myself,ive have various people including my family...hey tell me i need to be selfish...i guess im so used to giving. but yea whats interesting is that I WANT TO BE A SOCIAL WORKER TOO! I guess i like that because I'll get to protect kids so they dont go through what i went through.. I need proffesional hel, i just cant right now, i have finals soon, and im i senior, im failing three classes! I dnt know how it got so bad!!!! well...my grades got so bad when the nightmares started,i have been trying very hard to focus,but i dont know where my brain is, i just wake up very low in energy...unwhilling,unhappy...i dont know why.... can you guys help me untill i can get help?

May 6, 2010
11:54 pm
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chelonia mydas
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(((Amiga)))

We are here to support your journey and provide feedback and share our stories, but we are not professional counselors.

There are other resources out there that have recieved the training to offer professional support.

We are the folks with the shoulders to cry on and the pom poms to cheer you on.

Call this number to discover the many other resources in your area. You don't have to tell anyone you called, just see what they have to say before you decide that you can't get counseling. You would be surprised at the support that is out there for you.

1.800.656.HOPE

they even have an online hotline
http://apps.rainn.org/ohl-bridge/

May 9, 2010
12:20 pm
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chinadoll
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amiga,

I just wanted to check in with you and see how you are doing.

Try to get plenty of rest when you can. I am sure the nightmares have been making it hard for you to sleep well, and I know it's hard to concentrate on your studies when your mind goes to other thoughts.

Take care of yourself.

{{HUGS}}

May 9, 2010
5:31 pm
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tryingtoheal..
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Amiga,
we will always be here to support you.
How are you doing?

May 12, 2010
8:19 pm
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soytuamiga1
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Im doing a little better, havent had nightmares, but now i can see how much this has affected me. I realized that i have put all men into a category of "theyre going to hurt me" not necesarily sexually but emotionally.

Im worried that al of this is ruining my relationship with my boyfriend. I even said it to him.."I knew youd hurt me,just like every man that has been in my life" I know i shouldnt have said that,it was not a big problem but i was hurt, i just feel like i keep grudges towards him in better words everytime something happens i go into my own little bubble and dont let him in.
Just afraid of the future,of how im going to be. will i be happy? or will i make my family miserable?

I will definetly seek profesional help,once i get out of high school.

Lately i have been sleeping, but its weird because i have been falling in such deep sleep..i dont know ,its new. I love sleeping thru the night, but now I have been even more tired throughout the day, very low in energy. My body is fine,my brain is somewhere else..exhausted.

Thank you for listening to me:)

amiga*

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