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Pain in my heart, Pain in my neck, Pain in my A??
June 2, 2005
9:34 am
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Sol
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I am going through the terrible unraveling of he lies my husband, has created in order to maintain his addiction, sometimes I find myself numb. sometimes enraged, sometimes I feel the pain so much I think I will not be able to breathe. He is six days sober and going to groups daily, at times begging for a chance. I hate liars, I hate that part of him, their are other things I love about him. I cannot continue living a life with lies, but I can't imagine a world without my sometimes friend. We have been married for six years but "best friends for ten". I want to start my life, have children sometime in the next 5 to six years. Should I leave him now or give him this chance, as for the first time he is in AA. I am so devastated about all of this. I would like to be able to get through this with a little more centeredness. I know that I am codependent, my mother was murdered when I was ten and have always felt a part of me missing, I have done the "love me, I'm perfect, insightful, please love me thing with friends, my sister and step-grandmother who adopted me. I had always prayed I would be lucky in love as my mom was murdered by her boyfriend. I am so sad right now as obviously I have not been lucky in this area. Should I give him 1 more chance or not.

June 2, 2005
9:52 am
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CAMER
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HI SOL, and ((welcome))since you have been married to him, how long has he been able to stay sober??? cuz my last bf was alcoholic and i had so many ups and downs in the relationship....and went to counseling, my counselor said that my bf should have at least *one year* of sobriety, b4 i even thought of persuing the relationship more.

There are lots of choices you have here to make, if you want to stay around and hope he sobers up for the long time, and/or if he doesn't do you want to put up with his behavior.

Please keep coming back and know that you are not alone.

June 2, 2005
1:54 pm
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Sol
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I am so depressed because of all of this crap. He has always been unstable, he has always used in one way or another, he would lie and when he got caught have a nervous breakdown. I am still wounded from my past and in denial, I guess because I am floored everytime he lies to me. I cannot get support from my family as they would automatically tell me to leave him, and if I don't they will judge me. My grandmother who raised me thinks that I should stay and help him as he is ill, she is unaware of the ways in which he has hurt himself, our relationship me and our finances. Maybe I am just venting, but I am truly torn. Should I just leave now, even though I love the other side of him?

June 2, 2005
1:54 pm
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Sol
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I am so depressed because of all of this crap. He has always been unstable, he has always used in one way or another, he would lie and when he got caught have a nervous breakdown. I am still wounded from my past and in denial, I guess because I am floored everytime he lies to me. I cannot get support from my family as they would automatically tell me to leave him, and if I don't they will judge me. My grandmother who raised me thinks that I should stay and help him as he is ill, she is unaware of the ways in which he has hurt himself, our relationship me and our finances. Maybe I am just venting, but I am truly torn. Should I just leave now, even though I love the other side of him?

June 2, 2005
2:06 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Sol:

May I say from a woman that has been married to an addict for 13 years now that most of the time it does not change. There may be longer stints between falling off the wagon, but you know that fall will come eventually. Some can break the cycle, but it takes an every day choice to fight the urges. Every day.

My hubby told me he had no problem before we were married. I didn't find out until he fell off the wagon after we were married. In the last 13 years he has fallen off the wagon 6-7 times at least. He's been clean since last July so we've almost made a year..... to the best of my knowledge ..... coz he lies and how would I possibly know other than to take his word.

I feel my married has been based on a lie in the first place. Then with each fall down, each excuse.... you learn to distrust, to say "yeah right" to yourself, and to silently learn to keep it all in coz you don't want to be the one to knock them off that wagon again.

I wish I could say it will get better. Looks like he is honestly trying to make an effort. Has he gone thru addiction counseling, marriage counseling, anything. And you? I know marriage counseling is expensensive, but I have to say that it is what has taught us to live together. But, the distrust, the "yeah right" is still there and most likely always will be.

You need to sit down and think on .... is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Do you want to bring a child into this marriage if he is using? Decide where your boundaries are and stand firm on them. Who knows.... maybe it will work out for you. BUT, if you want to try again I strongly advise the counseling. There is just to much hert on both sides.

June 2, 2005
2:25 pm
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ACryForHelp
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First off - DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS, or any other, MAN UNTIL YOU WORK OUT BOTH YOUR ISSUES AS WELL AS HIS!

If you toss kids into this chaos you will only end up making their lives a living hell and make them have the same addictions/issues that the two of you have!

I'm not saying NEVER have kids but fix yourselves first!!!

And one of the rules of AA is no major life changing events until your through the program – and there is NOTHING more life changing then having kids.

Now just keep in mind that a Recovering ANYTHING, alcoholic, sex addict, heroin addict will FOREVER be a “Recovering…Whatever”.

Even if he stays sober for YEARS he will always have that nagging little voice in the back of his head telling him to just do it and can fall off the wagon at any time for the rest of his life.

AA is a wonderful thing, don’t get me wrong, but if you don’t want to be indoctrinated into the Christian Faith then find one of the Non-Religious alternatives. (No matter what AA tells you ALL support groups have the same statistics on recovery but the others won’t lie about it…Watch the show Penn&Teller’s Bullshit on Showtime. They did the research on the top support groups and give you the facts straight.)

Or go with him to his doctor and get the medication that stops alcohol from affecting him, or the other one that makes him sick if he drinks!

Will Power can take you far but it’s like antidepressants and therapy, just 1 alone might not work but combine them and you have a MUCH better chance at success!

And YOU should start going with him to treatment! Alcanon is for survivors of alcoholism and will empower YOU to take control of YOUR life and help him at the SAME TIME!

You play just as big, if not bigger, roll in his recovery as the support group! He can’t be fixed until you learn how to help.

Good luck!

June 2, 2005
4:34 pm
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Sol
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Thanks all for your frank opinions.

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