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Pain go away, pain go away, pain go away...
May 18, 2004
9:39 am
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lindalee
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Hi people, I'm not well today. I cant seem to stop the pain, the relization that my screwed up self is hurting the people that love me, is more than I can bear today. I am so tired of the pain, i just want it to stop. i dont know how, I cant funstion, I gotta go to to work, people are counting on me and here I sit falling apart. What am i going to do? I'm lost in the past today and trying desperatly to see through it..ok..calming down gotta explain...
as part of my therapy I am reliving my past. The emotional, physiacal and sexual abuse ..all of it. This morning its just all to real. I can see how dark it is, i can hear the tv in the other room, I can feel the hands, I can hear the voices,I can feel the shame....
somebody please say something helpful, I gotta get through this, i want to live and be whole...

May 18, 2004
9:44 am
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Tumbleweed8
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I don't have the answer right now, but know that someone is here praying for you and sending hugs, okay.

May 18, 2004
9:50 am
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sixfootblonde
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Same here lindalee. I am sorry it is so real for you today that it hurts. I will say a prayer for you.

May 18, 2004
11:16 am
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CAMER
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try to relax and clear your mind and know that WE hear you in this group and we all go thru pain, know that you are not alone and our prayers are with you.

May 18, 2004
11:25 am
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Anonymous
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There is a part of you that was "absent" during the abuse, maybe? I know that for many abuse victims, they describe a sensation of leaving their bodies, and sort of feel like they are watching what is happening to them. If you had this experience during your abuse, it can be helpful to you now.

If not, then what I can assure you is that the things that were done to your body are not able to taint your soul or damage it in any way. I have been though the same kinds of things and I know that I am not to blame. While that doesn't always make the pain go away, I hope it will help you set the shame free. The shame you feel is the shame your abuser(s) left you to deal with but in reality, it belongs to them. They own the shame because they are the ones who violated you.

Please know that you are a precious being in this place and you have every right to feel whatever it is you feel, and to be free of pain as well.

May 18, 2004
6:46 pm
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Wanttobewell
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The shame is still awash over me also, even though I know it wasn't my fault, as I was only a child. That awful shame is the worst thing to have to live with.

Lindalee, it is so hard, I know. We're here for you. You are a precious, beautiful being. You never deserved to be treated as you were, but nevertheless, here we are, still trying to deal with it after all this time. I often wonder why I never confronted my abusers. I had another opportunity to a couple of months ago. One is dead but the other is still very much alive. I don't understand how he can look me in the face and pretend he never did a thing to me. I'll never understand why I don't confront him.

Lindalee,,,my thoughts and prayers are with you. Maybe you need the grieving and falling apart, I don't know. I grieve and fall apart once in a while. Try to find comfort in that you didn't do anything wrong, they did. I know it doesn't make it any less hurtful. I don't know that we ever completely get over it. I believe that we more or less find ways to deal with it. It's just too desructive to a child's little spirit to ever be completely rid of it all. I believe a better way is deciding these sickos will not be dictaing the way I feel about myself. Easier said than done, I know. The best revenge is doing well in spite of what was done, and I do my best to strive and strive, not always successful, but will keep trying anyway. You are most definitely not alone, Lindalee. W.

May 18, 2004
7:28 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Lindalee,

You need to be able to feels what you are feeling and also handle the stress caused by those feelings. Try being very gentle with yourself. Eat some favorite foods, go see a movie, take a bubblebath.

Try to compartmentalize your feelings so that you can function. Now that you are doing the healing work, you will feel better soon.

May 18, 2004
8:16 pm
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Anonymous
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I agree with worried dad. I also just like everyone here goes threw pain and sometimes it feels like it is more than you can bear..
I can't say this if for you I just want to share what helps me.
I am in recovery from alcohol and co-dependecy, the alcohol is so much easier it is just part of the co-dependecy. The co-dependency is so much harder and so much more work. I was journaling last night and my counselor gave me a book to work threw grief my mom died about a year ago and there is alot to that story. Anyway the workbook teaches you how to put the positives and hope back in where all the dark feelings lie. I realized how very much pain and fear of abandonment has ran my life and how I need to acknowledge the pain and let it pass threw me as often as I need. I have been running from it so long that now that I acknowlege it's presence and pray to work threw it, instead of ignoring it, I truly believe the more I will be able to do this the more it will subside. Because a lot of my pain is from childhood and I would not even acknowledge it was there let along feel it and even though it hurts it feels good also to know that in the end there is something so much better.
I don't know if this helps, I will pray for you.. And if you can remember anything please remember you are not alone.
You are spiritual being, in which you are equal to everyone and deserve the best.

May 18, 2004
8:25 pm
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lindalee
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HI everybody, I have survived another day. I feel like I;ve been ina war zone.Thank you all so incrediably much for your kindness and your words and your prayers.
I've kept so much of this mess turned inward for so long (30 years??) that feeling it again is just so frightening. It was so real, I felt exactly the same as I did when it all occured. The terror..all day..it was inside my chest, right under the surface....God how did I come to be such a mess?
I am so afraid that this fear, this darkness,this pain ...that it has no bottom, I am so afraid of never surfacing again. I am so afraid of everything. I hate this hurt.I'd rather push it all back in the closet and never look at it again. Just keep going on pretending everything is ok...but I know that that wouldnt last forever.
Someday i will be well, I keep telling myself this.
Its true isnt it? Someday will I be well?
Thank You again for showing me your kindness. I cant tell you how much it means and how much it helps to know that somebody understands. and
wd, I understand what you mean by compartmentalizing...thats how I'm surviving.

May 18, 2004
10:42 pm
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uptoolate
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Someday you will be well, Lindalee. All this pain you have right now is all part of the process of healing. You are well on your way. Even though it will be a long, rough road.
You have the strength to get thru it.

If you choose to push it all back in the closet and pretend everything is ok, you can bet that is will continue to resurface in ugly ways.

Keep the faith, believe in yourself and know that you deserve everything in this world that is good. You are worthy and you matter.

right there with you and praying for you. Hugs uptoolate

May 18, 2004
11:30 pm
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Anonymous
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Sometimes the only way I know how to define success is to check my pulse at the end of the day. If I still have one, then I can claim another success. Stay alive, one moment at a time, 'kay?

I'll be thinking of all of you who share this pain.

Ren'ai

May 19, 2004
12:11 am
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natty
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Lindalee I am going through the exact same thing at the moment and I am so sorry I can't offer you an answer, though I wish to God I had one. My thoughts are with you, and when I pray for myself I am also praying for you. Sorry I can't offer more, I just don't know the answer. Big hug to you.

May 19, 2004
9:02 pm
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spacegirl10000
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sounds like you need to know everyone is here for you and there are hugs here too!!!

May 19, 2004
9:56 pm
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botto
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Hey, lindalee. Not that it's not great that people are praying and sending hugs and stuff, but if your going through what I went through, that ain't gonna do it. I got on top of my troubles in the way we all do, by hitting bottom and hitting it hard. And I began to tell myself a couple of things that ended up turning the key and letting some light into a dark, dark place.

First, I learned to focus on the idea of givens. It's a given that this thing happened that you obviously didn't want. It's a given like rain or death or nightfall, so stop struggling with what you cannot change. It's not your job.

Secondly, you are stronger than you realize. It's that simple. When you're feeling as badly as you do and can't imagine there will be a day when you look BACK at this pain, remember that you are, in fact, stronger than you know because you'll start to see proof of it immediately.

And with that basic truth in hand, you will slowly begin climbing up again from the bad place learning the lessons you've needed to learn about your REAL worth all along.

Remember, there will always be people who look like they've got a better time of it, but if you can get some peace inside, come to accept you own value as the deserving center of your experience, you will have done what even the luckiest people often never do.

Does that help? I hope it's better than hugs and prayers.

May 19, 2004
11:40 pm
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natty
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Botto can I just say hugs and prayers are not as useless as you think. I know that when I post, some people post back to say they are there and listening. That is a lot nicer than no response at all. It's good to know somebody cares.

May 20, 2004
1:34 am
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Murphy
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What you are going through is so tough... you will eventually make it "to the other side" as I like to refer to it. I deal with this on a whole different level day in and day out. It is overwhelming and sometimes I feel like I'm so seperated from all those around me. Please know that you're on the right path to healing, and that path is a rough, rocky one. Hopefully soon you'll turn the corner on this path and find a beautiful meadow... a sunrise to a new day.

May 20, 2004
9:33 am
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lindalee
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Hi everybody, I'm still here and making it. Its been a tough, really bad week but last night I actually slept and that helped alot. At least my mind shut off for a while. I think I'm done crying for now, instead I'm just empty inside. I dont know if this is good or not because there are no feelings in me at all, I'm just numb, and all I feel is really really tired. Today I go back to the doctor (therapist) and I am not looking forward to that.
Botto, thanks for your nuts and bolts kind of advice, yes it was really helpful. I am printing out this whole thread as I need to read and reread everyones comments regularly. It does help to have the hugs and prayers because that's empathy and sympathy and SUPPORT...but I also count on the very practical comments from the ones who have been where I am now. I think....this is my group therapy and every thing that is said here, helps, even if its just 'i care'.

May 20, 2004
5:18 pm
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Anonymous
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I care.

Ren'ai

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