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Pain and misttrust returning
September 7, 2005
2:00 pm
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RobertM65
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My W and I had a pretty good weekend. Last night I witnessed an extreme positive change in my W's attitude. It was our first night in a bowling league. My W experienced a great deal of anxiety at the outset. Once she realized that other people were accepting her and that the night was not going to be a total disaster she changed.

In the 9 years that I have known her, I have never seen her this genuinely happy. This is a woman who lost all her friends and social life as a result of her first divorce. I have to believe the prospect of being part of something and making friends is going to elevate her self-esteem. I'm hoping that if she feels better about herself, she will not feel the need to stray and will confront her problems and get help.

I know that the good times together are just a break from the emotional turmoil and that longer-term issues must be addressed. Someone told me that my W needs to know that there is a real possibility that she will lose me and that could be the catalyst for her to get into recovery. I know by things she has said that she is at least thinking that we may not be able to work out our differences.

When I confronted my W the second time I discovered her A, she asked me how I knew. I said that I just knew. Actually it wasn’t too difficult to figure out.

I just talked to my W and she said she would be a little late coming home from work. It involves an occasional duty I know is associated with her job. In likelihood she is telling the truth and a little late will probably be ½ hour. I know that even if I could account for here whereabouts every second it wouldn’t matter because if she wants to cheat she will find a way.

So at this moment all the pain and mistrust is flooding back. Some of that will ease when she gets home, but I know that I will be looking for signs of the A.

September 7, 2005
2:09 pm
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Anonymous
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and this is why you need a therapist or 12 step meeting or support group of your own.

your wife may heal on her own, but you need to heal yourself - you may think it's great that you guys have a social life, but it presents a whole new flood of emotions - like if you see her talking to another guy or something.

her alcoholism is her issue to fix - and if she is working late or lying - you can't change it or let it eat you alive - tho that's typically what we will do in this position - I am by no means an expert, I sit here typing this praying my BF makes it to his therapy appt. today - knowing I am gonna blow and likely let it ruin my Bday if he doesn't make it cuz of traffic cuz he left his mom's too late.

you need to make yourself stronger, you have alot of trust issues with her and with your ex - that make the current situation possibly seem worse than it is.

if she wants to drink, she will drink - and you can't change or fix that - but you can make yourself better and stronger and creat coping skills in dealing with her alcoholism in a more healthy manner for yourself.

call an al-anon group in your area, I am SURE someone will help talk you down off of this ledge, that is what they are there for...then follow up with the next available meeting.

September 7, 2005
2:21 pm
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kathygy
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I agree with alicat. You need a support network of your own. Al-anon meetings are a great way to build that. What kind of emotional turmoil and long term issues are you talking about? Has she been unfaithful to you?

love,
kathy

September 7, 2005
2:36 pm
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taj64
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You've got two destructive behaviors -her cheating and alcohol. Trust is not there. You can't trust her to stop drinking, you are watching her on drinking. You can't trust her to not cheat, you watch her, accounting for her time. You are watching her to see is she is getting better, gaining self esteem, watching her happiness grow, in what is a few days. You're too busy watching her to notice yourself. I'm tough, I know, but aren't you important too? Watch yourself first. Be aware of what you are doing with you. Then watch her. It is up to her to change.

Ali, you too. You've had a good birthday. Don't watch for other things. Watch yourself and you will continue to have a great birthday. Concentrate on the moment, what you have accomplished today. Don't look for a blowout, if you do, you will get one. The only thing to blow today, is the birthday candles! And make a wish, just for you.

September 7, 2005
2:40 pm
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Anonymous
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yes taj, I know - and that's why I said a little prayer that he arrive safely, alive and on time - and let it go - keeping myself busy so I don't fret over it - will trust that it will happen.

it will happen - I know it will!

thanks for the reminder tho - it always helps.

September 7, 2005
2:47 pm
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RobertM65
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kathygy - The most significant issue as it affects me right now is that she was unfaithful. There are issues with drinking and I'm sure that is related to her affair.

The thing is, she wasn't necessarily drunk the times she cheated. The affair is not about romance, it's just another way for her to get high and numb the pain in her life. It's like the person who cuts themselves to replace inner pain with outer physical pain. Part of the evidence of her indescretions are the marks on her body after the fact.

The common thread with her issues is low self esteem. What I saw last night was truly a different person. Obviously she needs counseling, but reconnecting with people seemed to bring out changes.

What I'm feeling right now is a result of other evidence in the form of toll records. The timing of her indescretions match those times when I began to have suspicions.

What scares me is that it is so easy to catch her. When it hits you in the face like that it hurts. On top of that she is not a very good liar. When I started this post my gut feeling was suspicion. Now that's starting to change to a feeling that since everything is still so recent and raw that maybe the pain and mistrust are just natural reactions.

taj64 and alicat - I hear you loud and clear about looking out for myself. I may not being doing the best job of it. One thing that I think I have been able to do is not let the issues consume me 24/7. There are ups and downs. Right now I'm down. But you're right, I have to do a better job of it and find some meetings for myself.

Your responses help.

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