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Overwhelmed and stressed - need advice
August 23, 2000
10:14 am
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Venus22107
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I am 21 years old dating a 35 year old man with an 9 year old son. Everything has been going so well. A few weeks ago, his ex girlfriend keyed my car and stole some jewelry out of it. We filed the police report and she was arrested and we thought everything was over with. A week later, I got very sick and was diagnosed with Herpes. I didn't have this before I entered into the relationship. It has put an strain on our intimacy for the past two weeks. We enjoy the closeness that it brings and haven't been able to share that lately because of the physical pain. I learned later that week that my father who left us two years ago took the college/wedding funds for my sibling and I (well over $300,000.00) and spent it for himself leaving my mother with an enormous credit card debt. We also found that he has lied to us time and again. He told my sibling that he is going to sell the family business and will just "wait to die". It seems as though all of this is hitting at once adn it has really taken a toll on my relationship. We live about an hour apart but I spend most of time with him at his house. I have a deep feeling of unsettledness because it is "his house". and when i go home, it's my mother's house. I feel utterly overwhelmed and although i usually try to find time to meditate and reflect on what is going on in my life, it doesn't seem to be helping as much as it normally does. My boyfriend and i have always cherished the open lines of communication that we share and within the last three weeks those lines have started to diminish and this scares me. The closeness and connection that we have made has become very distant. And although we see each other everyday, we haven't put aside anytime for ourselves. When we fall into bed at night, we fall asleep. I try to do what i can to make him feel special and he is trying as well. With everything that is going on though it feels as though it is a useless effort. And as much as I love his son, I wish i could snap my fingers and say "POOF" be gone for a day so i can spend some time with your daddy and then "poof" your back at the end of the day. Between my father, my boyfriend's ex girlfriend and the court case against her, finances, the son's mother coming back into his life after being gone for two years and the emotional strain that is putting on a nine year old, work, starting night school, and on and on and on - I AM STRESSED OUT! I need a break and someone to talk to. First and foremost i really want my relationship back to normal. How can i do this feeling the way that i do? Can anyone out there relate to what i'm going through?

Venus

August 23, 2000
10:57 am
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Cici
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Has your boyfriend been tested for Herpes? If not, he should be because you both need to be treated.

I can relate to what you're going through in a way, although my stressful time has passed (somewhat) and I went to my docotor. She put me on Buspar to help me be more relaxed.

The important thing, first of all, is to not worry about what you can't change. The situation with your father, for example. If I were you I would just cut off contact with him until he straightened out. You need to deal withyour problems one at a time.

Firstly, your relationship needs attention. Have you discussed the Herpes situation and how it may have come about? It's normal to feel uncomfortable and unable to have sex for a time. You need time to process the information and cope.

Talk to your docotor. Set aside some time to talk to your partner about waht is happening and how you feel.
Good luck

August 24, 2000
10:12 am
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Venus22107
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Thanks for the advice. We talked last night and I just poured my heart out to him. I told him that I felt ashamed and dirty and basically worthless. I asked him how could he ever want to stay with me? Then I went into the what-if's. He has been tested but we have not received the test results yet. He shows no symptoms and is not convinced the doctors are right. He told me whatever the outcome, he wasn't going to love me any less. What a wonderful man. After telling him my problems and fears, he told me his. I was shocked. He said that he felt as if our connection was broken. I've been wallowing in my own self pity for the past three weeks that i've neglected him and how he is dealing with this. I am making a conscious effort to change my attitude and let myself deal with things as they come up instead of all at once. He said that he would help anyway he could but that something had to change because he couldn't stand seeing me like this. He can't help fix it if he doesn't know what's broken. So, my next question is, what is the best way to show someone you've neglected that you still think the world of them and love them with all your heart? how can i make him feel special without doing more damage to the relationship or stressing myself out more?

venus

August 24, 2000
10:28 am
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Cici
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Earlier this summer I was diagnosed with HPV, which is related to genital warts except it doesn't effect men and causes cervical cancer. It turned out that they were wrong. After having three papsmears done, which all had the same result, I finally went to the best Gynecologist in the South; she did extensive testing and found out that I was fine! We did a few more paps and everything seemed ok.

So. I had to deal with the same feelings you are, for a while. I was ashamed and embarrassed, I didn't feel sexual at all and I neglected my poor fiance while wallowing in my own self-pity.

But you have a right to be upset, and a right to deal with it in whatever way you need to. Help you partner to understand that although you love him, you feel fragile and sad because of your diagnosis. It's a very common problem, especially in women with STDs.

Whenever I get too stressed out, my fiance and I go away for the weekend. Not anyplace expensive of fancy, just somewhere away from our normal life. A hotel in the next town, or near a beach (I live in FL). Just two nights. We go to a hotel, order room service and spend the weekend alone, laying in bed, giving each other foot and back massages, talking. It's such a simple thing, but so relaxing and bonding. And it sounds like you need the stress relief!

Also, don't hesitate to go to the docotor if you feel bad. Not just about the herpes, but about anxiety, too.

Take a walk every day. By yourself or with your partner. Just set aside at least an hour to be alone. Make him dinner and plan a romantic evening.

When I was feelng un-sexual, my fiance asked me to play a game. The plan was to meet at a bar in town, but separately. We pretend that we're meeting for the first time and for some reason that makes it more exciting. Then we "go home together" after one or two drinks. It's weird, but fun, really fun. You get to go pick out a sexy outfit to wear and surprise him, he gets to see a different side of you. I don't know if it will work for everyone, but you might at least think about it or something like it!

Good luck, again!

August 24, 2000
10:52 am
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Venus22107
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Thanks so much cici. Just getting all this off my shoulders has really helped a lot. We are planning to go to Myrtle Beach this weekend to help his mom move and his son will be with us. But he said if we weren't too tired we would grab an evening alone. It's long overdue. Although we see each other everyday, we don't make time for ourselves. We both have very busy lives and tend to take care of Tyler, his son, and all the chores before falling into bed dead tired. Cuddling up to fall asleep is nice but i miss talking, really talking to him. He gets irritated with me at times because he says i'm vague, but i do try my best to clearly communicate with him. Thank you again for just listening. It makes a world of difference.

venus

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