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overdose
December 30, 2000
11:56 pm
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Ima
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I guess I'm obsessed. I keep thinking about ways to die, or to almost die. I don't feel depressed, so that confuses me. I take meds, but every time I do, I'm tempted to take extra, and I usually do. I was hospitalized briefly for taking too many aspirin, and I'm in counseling... Why do I still want to flirt with death? Wish someone could talk me out of it. Wish I'd change whatever is in my power to change.

December 31, 2000
2:13 pm
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Brenda
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Dear Ima:

I care and will pray that you connect with the divine that resides within and around you, for when you find this connection to the creator and to yourself, you will never think the way you are now, never.
God bless you

December 31, 2000
3:27 pm
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janes
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YOU CAN change what is in your power!!!

I have observed people flirt with the "darker" side of life...even one of my own Kids.

I think it is innate tho' some of us just don't have the interest others do.

Volunteer some time at a rehab center...or in some way find a way to get outside your self and help others.

Death is final..it will come all to soon. Even if you leave this "mortal coil" right away..what is the legacy you leave behind..how will yo be remembered?

Your life is short as it is...

Work with your counselor/therapist to find what it is you are looking for...

good luck

December 31, 2000
11:41 pm
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Ima
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Thanks Brenda and janes. I gave my meds to my hubby, who will give me what I need for the day. At least that will be some accountability. Not that I can't go to the store and buy aspirin or sleeping pills... I told him I was unable to take good care of myself right now, and that I needed help. This being the 3,4,5th time I have done this, he is not amused. He is angry. I guess that's one price I pay for flirting with suicide this way. Why in the world would I choose this? You're right janes, I don't want to leave a rragic legacy behind. I dont' want to traumatize my husband or my children. I just want to take 30 or so extra pills and see if I wake up in the morning. What IS it I'm looking for? Spose I will keep looking and trying to cooperate with the counseling process.
Thanks again for your words and prayers.

Ima Mortal

January 1, 2001
12:57 am
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GothicGirl
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Ima I may only be 14 but I have thought the same was as you before. I will think of ways to die and stuff and then I look to see what kind of reaction I think I might get. Normally it is never a good one. No one seems to care and stuff. For awhile I never really wanted to die ideas jsut kept popping in my head and stuff. I would just be thinking and all of a sudden there it would how to kill myself or something and for awhile it got worse. Well now I am recovering from depression sum what I don't think I can ever recover or get better it will always be a part of me.But yeah once in awhile I will pop some pills then some more and I jsut get the urge for more and more and it is hard to fight it. After awhile I finally ran out of pills to take and my counselor and social worker found out and now I am not allowed to have and medication in my room anymore. Well just remember you can't let it ruin you. YOU HAVE TO FIGHT BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! Well good luck.

January 1, 2001
6:46 pm
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Ima
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Reassurance from a 14 yr. old. You do seem to understand, and that is comforting. But I'm tired of fighting, and am about to surrender to ruin, I suppose. Have to fight back. I'll try. Thanks.

January 1, 2001
9:10 pm
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GothicGirl
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Yeah i may only be 14 but I am somewhat tired of fighting too it is hard but it has to be done.

January 1, 2001
11:31 pm
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Brenda
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Dear gothicgirl. dear ima, can both of you put your sights upon something proactive and positive....such as a hobby or exercise in some form. If you can just go for a little walk a day out into nature and soak up the pure creative energy and get high off of the natural serotonin that is released into your brain during the exercise, you will begin to get a much different out look on light. You can look at how empty your glass is or you can choose to look at how full it really is and continue to count your blessings in a gratitude journal every day....what you focus on grows, soon you will be happy to wake up in the morning.promise.

January 2, 2001
8:33 pm
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GothicGirl
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Dear Brenda thanks for the advice but it doesn't seem to be good enough for me. For I work at a camp and all I do is hike outside and yes the fresh air helps but then being nature brigns me down because I think how little is left and how I only have a couple years left to do what I do and that I know every couple weeks everthing changes and all teh friends I begin to know and love will leave and stuff Nature is such a solem place for me and plus my family has always associated it with the spirits of those who have left in our life so it is hard. But I love the advice maybe it can help Ima.

January 2, 2001
10:11 pm
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Ima
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I don't know what to say. I hate to exercise, and right now it is below freezing outside. I won't be testing your theory any time soon, Bren.

I talked with my counselor about the meds, and he asked me what I was angry about. I found I was acting out by taking extra meds. My way of thumbing my nose at the world. Guess I am angry. Just have to figure out why now.

Reading "The Dance of Anger" Anyone know it? So far it has made me angry because I feel perfectly pegged in the first chapter! I hate to have simple answers and explanations. Surely I am unique and complex, and how did this Lerner lady figure me out without even meeting me??? Guess it's good I'm reading the book.:)

January 5, 2001
12:07 am
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lew45
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Ima, I can relate to what you are saying. Sometimes you just feel like what the helk I can't fight anymore. I am in counsling now but I still have a problem with thinking I just can't handle anymore. I hate feeling like this and don't want to feel like this. I lost both my parents just 4 days apart three years ago and its been down hill for me eversince. How do you get rid of those thought that could take your life forever. I really don't think that this is what we really want we just want to be happy am I right? I need to get my shit together or i'm not goingt o have to worry anymore. Take care and i'll be praying for you and you to Gothicgirl.

January 5, 2001
12:55 pm
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Cici
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Hey Ima, why not try dong a yoga video or tai chi? Something you do indoors, makes you more aware of your body, makes you learn about yourself and have calm quiet for a moment.

I understand how you feel. I've been there before. I did it on a weekly basis and abused drugs. If someone put something in front of me, from coke to painkillers to ecstasy, I would do it. And I wouldn't ever do any drugs unless I had 2 or more to mix together. Speedballing.

One day I had three piles of pills in front of me. Blue, pink and white. xanax, amytriptaline and cisapride. I knew that the combination was lethal. But someone called, the phone rang, some noise happened that made me carefully put all the pills away and I've never tried it again since then. I think what helped me most was God. Not church, or morality or religion. Spirituality. Meditation. Prayer. A personal relationship with the Divine.

A therapist can't help you, nor can a book. every therapist knows that the patient must make 90% of the effort, which is why the majority of people who seek counseling abandon it within 2 months.

January 6, 2001
4:07 pm
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Ima
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Cici,
I'm REAL willing to do the work. Therapy seems to be a lot of time trying to make someone else understand me, my reality. Occasionally I learn something new, too. Does it change my behavior? In some ways, I guess. Everyones' deepest desire is to be known and to be accepted (my theory) and I think therapy is helping me to "be seen" both in therapy and in real life. God is good, Cici. And our relationship with him has to start with owning what is inside us, looking below, inside, deeply. I still guard closets of my life, I think. I've only recently opened this medication abuse cabinet and let anyone see it. Today I only want to be sensible with my meds. What did I do differently today???? I may try some videos, though I share my "quiet with 2 preschoolers! I'm also looking into a class where you do process art. Have you done any of that? Studied about it? Thanks for your reply!

Lew, I'm grateful that you understand, but sad that you are sucked into this too. Thanks for your encouragement and prayers, and back attcha!

Ima Pretender

January 6, 2001
9:18 pm
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TaeQT
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Wanting to get better is half the battle.... I am not a girl of many words so I will try to keep this short and to the point... I heard a saying the other day that really stuck to me and maybe it applies- maybe it doesn't.... CELEBRATE THE IDEA THAT NO MATTER HOW MANY OBSTACLES ARE THROWN IN OUR PATHS, WE WILL FIND WAYS TO ACCEPT THEM. IT IS NOT SO MUCH ABOUT THE SURVIVAL OF THE HUMAN BEING, BUT RATHER THE SURVIVAL OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT AND AN ILLUSTRATION OF THE IDEA THAT SURVIVING IS EASY- IT'S LIVING THAT IS DIFFICULT.... Take care of yourself!! Much hugs out to you... =)

January 7, 2001
11:37 am
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hazza
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Ima,
use your web skills and look up some pages on Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD for short.
You say that youa re not depressed yet keep obsessing about ways to die. This could be OCD.
Typically OCD can include repetitive actions or unwanted thoughts.
it sounds like the unwanted thoughts to me.
OCD is caused by chemical imbalances but can also be treated with cognitive behaviour therapy as well as medication. But treating OCD with medication designed for depression is often not sucessful because they are two different things.
obvioulsy I am no doctor, I am just suggesting something that sounds likely that you or your doctors may not have considered.
I am sure you can find some good info ont he web that could tell you some of the symptoms of OCD and you would be able to get an idea of if that feels like it may be likely
Peace and Good Luck
Hazza

January 7, 2001
6:38 pm
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Ima
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QT, that is definitely the truth: it's the living that's hard!

Hazza, some of the meds I'm on are supposed to address OCD, but since I've been abusing my meds, I may have created a vicious cycle... I have been responsible about them for a few days now, and the suicidal thoughts seem almost ridiculous to me now. I never thought of my thoughts being obsessive. I'll have to think about that:)

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