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Overcontrolling moms, effects on sons?
February 27, 2005
7:21 am
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CODA_Mom
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Hi all,

I've talked with many women who have had over-controlling fathers, some who were alcoholics and some who weren't. In fact, this has been my own experience while growing up. My dad was an abusive, alcoholic man who had total and complete control over my sibs and I. I can tell you firsthand what the effects of over-controlling dads have on daughters. If the daughter identifies with her mom, she is likely to have low self-esteem, fear of males, hate for her powerlessness as a female and a problem with seeing a Higher Power (God as Father) as nothing but an angry, fearful Being. (BTW, I have worked thru many of these painful issues and for the most part am on the other side of them).

What I am interested to know is, what are the effects of overcontrolling mothers on sons? Do guys have the same reactions as girls? Does it affect their identity as men?

Any input at all on this subject would be appreciated.

CM

February 27, 2005
8:13 am
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Foggy1
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My mother was overcontrolling,untruthfull and prone to depression and addictions. I had an absent father and eventually an unloving, abusive step-father. I hold no blame anymore towards her, she's gone now and I tend to understand her life was very hard and she did the best she could.

The effect it had on me was to make me suspicious of women. I hold them in high regard yet have a hard time trusting them. I also grew up to be prone to addiction, anxiety and periods of depression.

It hasn't been good for my relationships as I push women away with this. I suppose I can't blame them though.

February 27, 2005
8:21 am
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lost soul
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I think it's just a bad- cycle, parents tend to have pass on some of the dyfuntional traids to the child....

February 27, 2005
12:00 pm
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While I recgnize that I am an accountable individual and responsible for my own actions I believe sincerely that my mother did a terrible injustice in the way she controlled and dominated me while raising me. She was able to do so till I was probably 32 even though I was into my second marriage. It has taken me YEARS to overcome this and I still have a huge way to go. I can clearly remeber her indicating one time that being sexually abused was a person's own fault if they were physically big enough as was the break-up of my marriage.
Perhaps her lack of nurturing is one of the main reasons that I don't have children coupled with the fact that I raised my younger brother and sister as she and my Dad (her second husband) essentially abdicated their parental responsibility for my two younger siblings beyond putting a roof over all of our heads. Because I was 10 years older I diapered them, taught them to read, walk, talk, babysat them, played, taught them to drive when they were older and even did a PTA or two.
Her meddling, her dominance and her influence has caused me me to feel self doubts and created huge insecurities in me, has cost me relationships, travel opportunities, even jobs. To be fair, not all were negative outcomes but occured because of her opinion and position on the matter. I couldn't stand up for myself. I finally told her to f-off when I was 32. She died when I was 46 but we never really made peace. I am 50 now. I sincerely wish that we had had a better relationship and while people who are more forgiving and more charitable than I, say that "perhaps she did her best" I don't really believe that. I still view her as a bitter, sometimes very nasty, moody, controlling, self centered individual and the primary contributor to my love addiction. I know that others have had a worse life so mine is no worse than anyone else's.Regards. Notsure.

February 27, 2005
5:54 pm
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Rasputin
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Thank you mama Coda to post this thread. It is really very illuminating!!!

Hi Notsure, I can relate to you. My mom had so many characteristics of your mom. That is why I was choosing my bfs emotionally unavailable.

I went through all the insecurity period which you talked about when I was a teenager. I was even afraid of women. Thank God, I am healed from this phobia. Now I love both sexes, especially if they are kind.

Once I was watching Oprah, she had an interview with expert about education. He mentioned that our parents hurt us because they themselves have been hurt. So, they do not hurt us on purpose. That makes us rejoice and even extend forgiveness to them more.

notsure! And any body else from you guys, who have been raised by emotionally abusive fathers.

What kind of personality they have?
What can of wife/gf they look for?

February 27, 2005
6:30 pm
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on my way
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My boys have chosen very strong, independent...and guarded women like me. I was just having a conversation with one of my sons today about his girlfriend. She is strong, has no problem saying exactly what she thinks, but she is kind about it. She is a very strong Christian girl...did not have a father, she says God has been her father. Which is great, but I told my son, even though God was her father, she did not have a father that "Physically" hugged her, "physically" hugged her, who was there to smile at her, so she could see a father's face of being proud of her as a father on earth would be. I mean it is great that she has so much faith in God in these matters, but she also missed out on the other. I love her, she is awesome, but has, even though she soes not recognize it, some things to work out...I see this in her, becasue she is alot like me...so my son has chosen someone like me...not all bad...

My oldest son chose someone who was not a Christian, and he is, she did not have a dad either..she is more prone to look down on him, has no faith in him and his ability to stand on his own. My oldest son saw me as being this way when he was a child...I don't but he does, so that is what counts is his perception...he was my first born, so I was more protective.

So it is interesting for both sexes I think. My dad was an alchoholic, my mom hated him..and I loved him dearly until he started drinking. That effected me horribly..my parents divorced and I grew up with my sister and my mother. All of my uncles are awesome, but ALL of th ewomen in my family..aunts and cousins are very strong and independent. There is a standing joke in my family on my mother's side...the women have outlived the men.

Today , my father is alive, does not drink, and I know he loves me without a doubt, and I love him. We are close. Mys siter on the other hand, did not have a clsoe relationship with him growing up like I did, and so now she feels guilty and is trying very hard to re-stablish that beofre he dies..he is 82 and has been given a year to live...she thinks I should feel the same way...I don't, I don't need too. But I have had to work through low self-esteem, as I got thta from my mother...because in the midst of my dad leaving...she paid no attention to me mentally, she was so stressed, and I interpreted it as "I am not important". And I ended up being an approval seeker...but again have worked throgh many of these issues.

And as my realtionship with my earthly father became better....my trust in my heavenly father became better.

Gee sorry to have written so much...but from a female perpwctive...this is what has happened in my life.

February 27, 2005
6:45 pm
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Thank you omy for your input.

So u r independent woman. That's good. I am more the easy-going, independent emotional woman.

My male friend has a father who was emotionally unavailable. He told me that he could barely remember his dad hugging or kissing or patting him on his shoulder when he was a kid.

That is why he finds it hard to re-connect with his Heavenly Father, since his relationship with his earthly father was non-existing or vague.

That's why I keep praying for him persistently.

I think we are all or most of us have been abused in any form or another.

February 28, 2005
6:31 am
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CODA_Mom
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Thank you, all, for your input. I'm seeing that overcontrolling moms effect our ability to become more intimate (form close bonds) with others, whether you were a boy or girl. This makes a lot of sense, women are more relationship-oriented ("Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"), so we would learn how to form relationships with others thru our experiences with them. It would also make sense that people with over-controlling moms would have problems in socializing and community settings(e.g., work, church). I'm sure that there are exceptions, especially if the child had another female adult (grandma, aunt, etc.) that they were close to.

Rasputin, you raised a really good point about abusive and controlling dads. I can't speak for everyone, but in my own experience it affected my views of authority and God. I'd love to hear from others about this.

All in all, no matter if the controller was a mom or dad it is possible to develop healthy relationships with others. I overcame a lot of fear and anger toward men when I started letting my guard down and developed friendships with them. What has worked for others?

CM

February 28, 2005
2:11 pm
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on my way
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"All in all, no matter if the controller was a mom or dad it is possible to develop healthy relationships with others. I overcame a lot of fear and anger toward men when I started letting my guard down and developed friendships with them. What has worked for others?"

Would you please explain more? How you overcame this. Friendships,I have, and yes are good when you aren't attracted to someone...the intimacy part, more than friends...trust issues. And as I explained above my relationship with my father has caused in the past, fear of authority figures, but I have worked through that. But if one is attracted to, and there is immediate chemistry...where does the "friend" part kick in..I am trying to re-establish a relationship that is very dear to me...we have different ideas what "friends" means...for him it include sex...for me that tears me up emotionally...and my Christian perspective is put God first, obey God, and God says WAIT! We both know that if we get back togethre that it may be a struggle, but I really want to communicate to him that it does not have to be, as we were never really friends..as there was immediate attraction. And now I want to re-build as friends...not sure how to go about that...any suggestions? thx. hope all is going better for you.

February 28, 2005
2:46 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Boy, OMW, you have just pointed out one of the fundamental differences between men and women (ok, so I'm very old-fashioned about this, I'll take my chances). Women are seeking relationship with men, they like to have guys share their innermost thoughts and dreams with them. When a woman gives herself away sexually to a man, she does just that...gives herself away in relationship. The relationship (in her mind) has progressed from "just friends" to committed partners. Though there are some exceptions to the rule, most men can have sex with a woman and still keep their separate-ness intact.

In my opinion, women have so much more to lose if they have sex without being in a committed relationship (in my opinion, marriage). If you have a male friend who is looking for more from you than you are willing to give (with good reason), be true to yourself. Yeah, you may lose him as a friend, but would you rather risk losing yourself?

If you are physically attracted to this man and are tempted to give in but know that you don't want to, then, omw, run like h**l ("...flee from evil") no matter how nice or good-looking he is. I have a hunch that he is in full pursuit because you are resisting. Stand firm, read Ephesians 6, temptations take many forms.

BTW, things are going ok with my daughter, we take one day at a time and pray a lot, all the time.

Blessings & hugs,
CM

February 28, 2005
2:55 pm
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on my way
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Glad matters are going ell with your daughter..you have my prayers there as well.

Thank you for the Biblical reminder, that resonates very well with me. I am not tempted to give in, I know I can stand my ground...losing him is not worth losing myself...but losing him for such shallow reasons could be tough...big disappointment there.

And you are right, it is exactly as if I would be giving myself away...so in giving ourselves away...the marriage bed is the safest place to do that...God knows relationships and love,,, he created them both.
Thanks, this was very helpful. Sometimes a reminder helps, and to see it in writing...one great thing about this website is being able to READ and think about responses.
Prayers and hugs,
omw

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