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Out With The Old In With The New
January 1, 2008
11:56 am
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It No Longer Matters
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I had my final conversation with R. New Year. New me. Starting the new year off alone but right.

I told him that I was not the great love of his life and deserved to be the great love of someone's life.
I told him that in an honest, healthy relationship there was trust and that I did not trust him and he had given me no reason to. I borrowed Doris Day's words and told him I did not want to worry about where he was, who he was with, and who he was trying to sleep with. I told him there was enough smoke around this other woman that there must be fire and I wasn't issueing any ultimatums and choices he could have her. I did ask him not to let her divorce her husband for him.

He hugged me, told me he understood, but could not give me what I wanted. He agreed this was best.

Many of you may wonder why I did this but my explanation is that every other time we had problems or anything happened he was the one in control. Not me. This time I gave him walking papers before he could do anything else to hurt me. I took the choice away from him. It was my decision to walk away.

Bitsy

January 1, 2008
12:08 pm
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Randomwomen2
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((Bitsy)) Congratulations sweetheart. I am so glad that you are free of him. SO what are your plans in this new year?

January 1, 2008
12:12 pm
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Alright Bitsy! Hugs.

I'm speachless.

January 1, 2008
6:42 pm
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Thank you. I love you all. I have cried all day. But this time I dumped him before he could dump me.

Bitsy

January 1, 2008
6:42 pm
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Thank you. I love you all. I have cried all day. But this time I dumped him before he could dump me.

Bitsy

January 1, 2008
7:29 pm
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My grandmother died a few hours ago. My dad was just able to get in touch with me. If any of you pray, please ask God to receive the soul of Hazel into eternity. She and I were never close, but she was my father's mother and I gave her the respect she was due.

The rest of me is battered and bruised. I hurt. My heart is breaking, but at least this time I was in control. I did truly love him. He was the love of my life, but I was not the love of his. I have always heard that in any relationship, one loves the other more than the other loves the one. I no longer want to be the one. I want to be the other. If I ever find anyone who truly loves me I will walk through fire for him. I want to be the love of someones life.

Bitsy

January 1, 2008
7:32 pm
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Randomwomen2
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((Bitsy)) i am so sorry sweetheart. I will pray for you and your family.

January 1, 2008
7:36 pm
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Now I just want to get through the night. I feel so alone and lonely. My daughter sleeps with me and while I know that really isn't healthy. I am so glad I will have her in my bed tonight. I want so much more for 2008.

Bitsy

January 1, 2008
8:07 pm
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bearcub
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Bitsy...I am so sorry for everything you are going thru. It sounds so much like my situation. My husband was in the habit of finding another woman to "validate' him. Ive been going thu hell for 17 years because of him a JUST a couple days ago got the courage to change my number. He never leaves my mind but I know there is nothing that I can do. Hes never going to change and I know that now but it is very hard to let go of the visions of all the things that were good. All we can do is stick together. We can cry AND recover together.

January 1, 2008
8:57 pm
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He was the love of my life but I wasn't the love of his life. He hasn't even tried to call so that I could have the priviledge of not answering.

Bitsy

January 1, 2008
9:01 pm
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DorisDay
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((((BITSY))))

YOU GO GIRL!

I am SO proud of you.

I know how awful that silent phone is. I know the hurt of the empty email box.

I would LOVE the priviledge of not answering a voicemail or an email. Just remember: These sociopaths move on. They are incapable of true love. Sure, they will THINK they are in love with their new prey, but trust me...they don't know how to love.

I am glad you borrowed my words. My split was very similar to yours. I think my Dr. Ex would have continued our relationship, explaining away his tryst as "nothing." However, I am too good for that fool, and so are you!

January 1, 2008
9:04 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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(((((((Bitsy)))))))) I must say you need a hug, horsefly

January 1, 2008
9:13 pm
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I really could use all the encouragement I could get tonight. It seems so lonely and long and tonight is in the 20's which for some is not much but for my area is really cold. I could use someone holding me. I did get lucky in that I spent the day with friends S and D. As I left they gave me a group hug. S. used to be a psychiatrist in the DC area before he went back to school for comp sci. He was wonderful. D is the mother I never had. They were friends with us both but love me. Theu both are astounded by R.

Bitsy

January 1, 2008
9:18 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Bitsy, Had it not been for my beloved dog I curl up with and sleep with every night...........my ship would have sank along time ago. Here's another hug ((((Bitsy)))) horsefly

January 1, 2008
9:20 pm
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DorisDay
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I have three dogs I curl up with.

Dr. Ex hated dogs.

Glad I have the dogs...

January 1, 2008
9:30 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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I bet dogs hated DR. EX . I am starting to hate him myself.

January 1, 2008
9:36 pm
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DorisDay
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Joseph Kennedy, The Patriarch of the Kennedy family, said you can always tell a man's character by the way they treat animals.

I had horrible visions of marrying Dr. Ex, and coming home to him saying "oh the dogs got out." His soon-to-be ex wife and kids have 2 cats, and they would come with his kids during their visitation with him. He HATED the cats. He wanted to "get rid" of them and always "forgot" to feed and water them. How can you "forget" to feed and water your precious animals, who rely on you for their life?

January 1, 2008
9:40 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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I am sure Joseph Kennedy was right about this statement.

January 1, 2008
9:44 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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My first husband hated my dog I had then, nor did he like any animals? How freaky is that. Forget to feed ......he didn't even want to look at them. I still hate my first ex. I love animals.

January 1, 2008
10:39 pm
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derbygirl
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good job Bitsy.. Im sure it was very difficult for you to do what you did, but you did it!!!
I know what you mean about tonight being long. I have struggled with it as well and Im doing much better dealing with my STBXH. I feel like I have really moved on and realized how much happier I am without him in my life. No more walking on egg shells and having to be careful about what I say or wear or do. Its a great feeling.
I hope that you make this year a good one for you. I plan to do it, so join me in my quest!!!

January 1, 2008
11:43 pm
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nvr2late
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Bitsy..

good for you! it is hard, it does get easier...I suppose.
and it is nice to be in control of the 'break up'...without wanting them to grovel to come back!

although, a little groveling might be nice!

but, I will be with you..alone in the new year, by choice, knowing I had such a toxic relationship.

my kids, my career, and my house are all in the goals of the new year.

we need more hobbies!!!

good luck and you WILL make it through, one day, one hour, one minute at a time!!!

nvr

January 2, 2008
2:59 am
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R has 4 cats. All strays. Tigger was the first. He is a big black and white fat cat. 22 lbs. Then Ridley, Little Girl, and Charlie was my cat that ended up living with him because we were together all the time. Charlie is 21 lbs and is grey and white. Tigger and Charlie sleep with him every night. They have dry food out all the time and get wet food twice a day. Then there is Riley the latest stray. He won't come inside and gets fed outside. So if he is so good to the cats why wasn't he good to me???? Of course I have my cats too. My daughter Cat and my kitten Callie. They both love to get as close to me as possible when they sleep. Why does it hurt so much? I wanted him to be devastated that I broke up with him but it didn't even phase him. Oh well....

Bitsy

January 2, 2008
4:30 am
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DorisDay
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I know Bitsy..it didn't phase my ex AT ALL.

IT IS DEVASTATING. I too am so hurt.

Well, at least he is kind to animals. Mine was very cold. Also when he spoke of his ex wife who died at 41 on breast cancer (they were divorced but had 2 kids), he could have cared less. I was more upset for the woman than he was!

All my red flags were there. I thought I would be the one to change him, and was special to him.

January 2, 2008
7:38 am
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nvr2late
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you can only change yourself..you cannot make someone change for you.

at least that is something we have learned...after awhile it does become clear that it was not all that it was cracked up to be...

and you feel a little more in control of yourself.
which is how we need to live anyway, for ourselves.

take care.
one day at a time...

nvr

January 2, 2008
7:58 am
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sasha1
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Bitsy - So sorry about your loss. Even though you were not close to your grandmother I am sure you are close to your dad and you are feeling sorrow for his loss. I was not close to my dad's mother but when she passed away I was sad for my dads loss. I lost my dad in December of 1999 on the 19. Every year it seems to get a little better but I still get very depressed but think that he is with his parents again and I will see him one day when it is my turn. Keep up the faith to get through all the hard times. I am trying to start out a new year wondering if my marriage will survive AA. I am starting Alanon - no CODA meetings close to me either. Good luck and Hugs

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