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Out of here!
August 26, 2006
8:59 am
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confused as heck
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I guess I am out of here! I don't feel the "love". Few seem to care that I even exist. Why bother!

August 26, 2006
9:05 am
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lollipop3
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Hi Confused,

When you say you are "out of here"....are you referring to your home? This site? Is there something you want to talk about?

Generally when we need something in life...as well as on this site....we need to ask for it? Is there something that you need that you are not getting?

Also, if you are referring to this site....please remember that it tends to be VERY SLOW around here on the weekends (believe me, I know!). That is why, in my opinion, it is important to try to develop some other types of support in addition to this wonderful site.

I'll be around for a little bit if you need to talk.

Lolli

August 26, 2006
10:12 am
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CAMER
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tell us more confused.....as lolli said, its it about our site or home life?

((camer))

August 26, 2006
10:17 am
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Anonymous
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confused,

It takes some time to establish yourself on this site. In my first few months on this site, I sometimes felt ignored and that nobody cared about me here, and I understand that my experience is typical. It does get better as you develop cyber-relationships here.

I hope you'll stay. I think it would be rewarding for you in the long run.

Seeker

August 26, 2006
10:44 am
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confused as heck
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This site! I have a serious problem that I have sought help for a couple of times and not one person has responded to either post. I have tried to be supportive of others and share my knowledge with them in their threads.

I just don't need another place in my life that I am ignored and do not matter.

August 26, 2006
10:54 am
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Tumbleweed8
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Confused, know that you do matter. I have felt much the same as you're feeling many times on here. After I would post something the thread would seem to die out or the person would start other threads about their issue so then I stayed away. Now, I only check in on a couple of threads because many times I still feel I will kill off the thread for someone if others see my posts on it. I keep coming back here anyway to learn what I can and to help if I've been asked to help someone. So, I would urge you to feel free to post and I'm glad you were able to express how you're feeling. I think that is a good start. Sending Hugs and a 🙂 to you.

August 26, 2006
11:11 am
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simplesoul
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Iam soooory you are feelg down do ask for what yu want... That is our negative side saying u r not needed etc...
Don't stay w/the mind frame take a walk get the heck out of where yr at for a little bit. Don't critisize yourself feeelings come and go and are not our inner lgt. The sh-t that the mind can do to us is very difficult at times know this wil pass. Iam struggling myself but keep the little faith inside knowing this to will pass...
For what its worth see the sunshine today, breath, and live today....Love
simplesoul

August 26, 2006
11:24 am
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confused as heck
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Thanks guys, but I just can't seem to find answers or support for what I am feeling. I am so confused right now about who I am and where I am going in this life. I thought I knew who I was, I don't.

I am so alone! I do not know how to go out and have a good time. I was never allowed to do this. I don't know where to start.

I don't know for sure if I'm straight, gay or bi-. I have lived the first 45 years of my life as a straight female, but I don't know if that was only because it was what I was expected to do. I have had a huge interest in this woman I met a while ago, but I don't know if that is just admiration because I really respect her and think she is great or if it's something else. I have had similar feelings in the past for another woman.

My relations with men have not been all that great. They were usually based around sex. There was no love.

I don't know love. I don't know what it feels like.

August 26, 2006
12:29 pm
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chatty
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I was reading on this site a while back and then stopped for various reasons. But I feel like you do alot of times, like a feeling of just being confused and I would guess the others feel this too. I know how you're feeling, believe me. Today I am dealing with yet another problem and I decided to start reading this site. The books that are mentioned help and also the meetings help, if you are in an area that has these meetings. Also give it time, how long have you be involved in this topic, which is known as recovery?

August 26, 2006
1:32 pm
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lovinglife
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Tumbleweed: Wait…I thought I held the title of thread killer around here! : ) You too, huh?!!

Agree with SimpleSoul on ...“That is our negative side saying u r not needed etc.” I know for myself I have to push those negative thoughts out of my mind…

Lolli: Yep- totally agree… “please remember that it tends to be VERY SLOW around here on the weekends”

And finally Confused… we can’t take things personal around here AT ALL…I’ve noticed that issues that others *can relate to* receive more response- that’s natural…just like the responses your getting on this thread- some of us can relate to the topic or have an insight to offer like Lolli’s comments.

I personally can’t relate to what you are going through so I would have nothing of value to say. However the more you write, the more thoughts that come out, perhaps something will hit me or others like…”Hey I can relate…” and then we post our thoughts. I don’t know if this helps any but I ended up starting a thread where I could just ramble away on to help me work through my issues-I didn’t/don't expect anyone to respond to my postings or to read what I write.. I just started writing because often its within ourselves we find the answers we are seeking. And yes it is very helpful and nice when others offer their wisdom, their insight and love it and appreciate it when others post their thoughts, but I don’t expect that…if it happens it’s a complete blessing, if it don’t, I’m too busy off in my own little world that I don’t even notice! : )

Just keep posting, keep writing, don’t give up on AAC quite yet.

August 26, 2006
1:33 pm
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confused as heck
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About 3 years, but the first was spent with the wrong counselor who messed me up more. The second was spent denying that I had any problems and living for everyone else while they took advantage of me. Just the past 4 months have been productive on working toward my goals. Underlying issues are now coming to the forefront.

I know that my counselor is really helping me this time. She has not tried to put ideas into my head and she has not judged me at all.

August 26, 2006
2:43 pm
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Shaney
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Hi confused - From reading your posts, I sense a bit of urgency when it comes to resolving your issues, or just settling on some definitive answers. Totally understandable... because with answers, come solutions or a plan. But, I don't think that you should place such emphasis on the fact that it has been 45 years, and you still don't know what direction to fly in. Seeing a therapist that you think is truly helping you, is a great thing. Taking your time, without feeling like you're racing against a clock to discover what you are all about, is also a good thing. Give yourself a break, is my best advice. Allow yourself to discover things naturally, without grabbing at answers just for the sake of having them. I mean, we're talking about your choices about love and commttment, not something as trivial as what type of car you'd like to drive. Sometimes we get so caught up in WHY we feel or don't feel a certain way, that we forget to just relax and FEEL what is natural and comfortable to us. What was your most comfortable situation or relationship that you remember?

August 26, 2006
3:16 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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I'm glad I wasn't alone, lovinglife. Confused, I agree that it would help to try to take things slowly and not try to get all the answers at once as it usually doesn't work that way. I don't think it happened that way for me. It seemed like I learned a little at a time what I really liked and first I learned what I did not like. I'm still working on it. Now, I do have a better sense of who I am than when I first came to this site.

August 26, 2006
3:36 pm
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Zinnie
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Confused,

First of all I am sorry that you are feeling like you have been neglected anywhere in your life not only on this site.

However, jumping to rash ultimatums will not help anything or anybody - and least of all you.

That being said, you have stated that you are having trouble with your sexual identification. I have not had that problem, but, there are lots of people who have in the past; some right here on this site.

You say that you have only been with men, yet you have never felt love. Now you say that you have "loving" feelings toward a woman that you know. How does she feel? How does she feel about an intimate relationship (sexual) with another woman?

There is a theory that all of us are truly bi-sexual, but that we might have stronger inclinations toward the opposite or same sexes it just depends on us and the person we choose to fall in love with.

How does this other woman feel? Do you know? Have you talked with her about your feelings?

Just know that people here do care.

Z.

August 26, 2006
4:12 pm
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StronginHim77
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I have not been in your situation, Confused, but I know a good book which I can recommend to you. It helped a young man I knew who was battling the same issues (sexual identification and an inability to genuinely feel LOVED). Here is the book. It is in current print, so shouldn't be hard to find or have your local bookstore order. (Might also be available online.)

CRAVING FOR LOVE by Briar Whitehead

Hope this helps. It sure helped that young man.

- Strong

August 26, 2006
6:01 pm
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confused as heck
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Z, she doesn't know how I feel about her, but I know that she has an "alternative lifestyle". She is currently involved with another woman. I don't feel as though I can talk to her about my feelings at this time, maybe in the future.

Shaney, thank you, your advice seems to be just what I was looking for. I guess in a way I am rushing to try to find all of the answers.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone here, I didn't mean to. Not to blame it on this, but my celexa was reduced this week and I've been a bit snappy. It was reduced because I was getting dizzy spells. It may have been the atenolol though. That was also reduced. I may try to increase the celexa next week if the mood stays like it has been.

I think my REAL problem is that I never learned to love. I never learned to love myself, which is really the first thing I need to work on I guess.

August 26, 2006
6:25 pm
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Shaney
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Hey confused - loving yourself is a good place to start... actually the only place to start. My mom, at 58, just left her bf of seven years. She was extremely insecure and talked bad about herself all the time when she was with him. She was unsure of her own potential, which was so sad to me. Honestly, I never thought she would do it, but she left him two months ago. The insecurities and the negative talk about herself seem to have lifted since then, and she loves herself and wants more for herself, for the first time since I can remember. I guess I just want you to know that it's never to late to learn to love yourself... and it doesn't take forever. Surround yourself with the best people possible who love you for who you are and support you regardless of your choices. Love yourself first... love your best qualities... and work on the ones that you don't love so much :o). Before you know it, you'll start to recognize, in others, qualities that you love. Relax, and have confidence in your feelings.

August 26, 2006
7:13 pm
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white dove
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hi confused
wow, sounds like im in the same boat as you. the things you said is what im finding hard to deal with.
i had a bad relationship with my ex, we split up 14 years ago and since then ive never had a serious relationship . the last few years i have been trying to deal with my feelings towards the same sex. i have dreams about it yet not been with anyone. no matter what i do, those feelings and thoughts are not that far away, i also have trouble loving myself as i should and think maybe im drawn to women coz they tend to understand me better. i find it very hard to talk to men even my friends hubby and ive known them for a few years. so is it a fear of guys coz of what the ex did, or something else. im a person who finds it hard to write about me. i guess im trying to open up on here, but i cant get the right words out but i do know the battle your going through. i wish i knew how to be.

August 26, 2006
8:19 pm
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Confused

I echo a lot of what has been said here already. I think some of can empathize about feeling like we need attention when we are in a crisis, and feeling that no one can relate or we just can't get enough answer right now! The truth is sometimes people don't relate to our problems. I have a unique problem that has been going on forever, and no one here has the answer. They can read my posts and it is the same old story. I think they are don't even check in anymore. I can't solve my own problem. I am better at solving other peoples'..., but sometimes, I cannot even stop and pay attention, I am so wrapped up in my situation, and sometimes I just don't know what to say. And, that is how others sometimes feel towards me, even though I want a solution and an answer right now. When I spend some time paying attention to others, I sometimes get some feedback myself. I don't pay attention to others for that reason. I pay attention to others when I can get outside my own situation for a while....that feels good.

All that said, as for your situation, I honestly don't know what to say about the actual problem you are experiencing...only you know what will be best for you. Yes maybe this woman is someone you admire and want to be like, or maybe you are so fed up with men at the moment. Maybe you need a break to learn about yourself. Maybe you really do prefer women, but you feel stigmatized. I cannot know for sure. Whatever the reason, it surely is causing you anguish. If your current therapist isn't helping you or feeling right, you might think about whether that therapist is right for you.

Trying to find all the answers online is frustrating. this may be a good place to practice your boundaries and communication. You asked people to pay attention, and that was a good start. You got our attention. So, maybe you can learn how to make the site work for you to provide a bit of adjunctive support to whatever other help you are getting.

So, now that I have responded to you, I have a request that you respond to my thread, as well. Is that fair. Did you notice my threads? If you did not respond, maybe it will help you understand why you did not get responses. You are not alone.

Wishing you the serenity you seek,
P&L

August 26, 2006
9:38 pm
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chatty
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I wanted to let you know that I too feel confused about things, not about this site. I am struggling with things and I think I have to solve it-so it won't be so bad. I have said some of my problems, not the big ones to family members and more than once I got replies back and they said, "who cares." It made me feel like it was unimportant, or maybe they thought I was complaining. Another thing that was said to me "Life goes on"-period, the end. So I am very confused. Just reading your post and the other replies, is helpful. Like Shaney said, to give ourselves a break and relax, and everything else she said and others said. As a child, I can remember trying to figure out problems too.

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