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our trust issues
January 16, 2006
1:35 pm
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itneverrainsinjune
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September 27, 2010
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in a nutshell: we had a child together. he was a u.s. soldier in germany, i was a german, young girl & we decided to get married depite infidelity - first by him, later by me.
he convinced me that i'd just become a statistic, that he's not take care of his child unless i married him, that i would fail, never find a man like him.
i was a foster child, had been kicked out from home at age 16 (after threatening to report mother's boyfriend's drug abuse to authorities to protect siblings)
at that time it seemed he was the only one there for me, some years later i felt obligated to do right by my child and follow through what i had promised him, my dying faster-dad (the only decent male role model in my life) and told family and friends for years.
because we now had also lived a long distance relationship for several years until we married (and he's 8 years older than me) i had tried to break up with him several times because i had met another person who gave me overall more freedoms and seemed to like me more for who i was. somehow the father of my child continued to work on my low self esteem and the shame i already had, growing up with a single mom on welfare...something i never wanted for my / our child.
as the other man demanded a decision, i told him i ddin't consider him father-material for a child not his own blood...when in reality it was my fear speaking. i hurt this man very much and broke it off... now, years later we were able to talk about it as the way we / i broke it off seemed to affect our life-decisions, still. e.g. he now has commitment, self-esteem issues and cheats on his wife- to get the "boost" he can't find anywhere else for his ego?

he shouldn't be my concern... i - my own life should be my main concern as i have given up on myself. every so often i make attempts to pick up the pieces but my husband for 9 years has never forgotten MY betrayal although his betrayal was just as deep... because he cheated on me first, covered it up, i learned about it the same day i learned i was pregnant, from a "witness" / best friend of the girl he cheated with.
the reason why i think / believe that i'm co-dependent is for once because my birth mother instilled in me and siblings we were the cause for her unhappiness. therefore i chose toxic relationahips, also as a child of abuse tolerated unhealthy imbalances in the relationship as normal, or worse yet... my destiny.
my husband turned out to be a weekend drinker...alcoholic.
in the beginning of our marriage he wouldn't even come straight home from work during the week, on the weekends he'd not come home until early in the morning while i worried sick he could be drunk in a ditch behind the wheel, calling every hospital in the area. to make matters / anxiety worse - he often would call to tell me he is on his way, hours later he'd eventually show up if i was lucky. by then i had moved to another country, was very isolated, had few friends, faced a foreign culture and the military duties of a soldier's wife. he'd often be gone training. i was left behind, trying to adapt, trying to fill our immigration forms on my own, struggling until recently to gain independence, in the land of the free.

although family and friends often advised me to leave, i didn't want to be a failure, i still had / have fantasies of how a marriage should be. it is common for women from germany who marry soldiers to return "home" after a few years and then everyone over there goes "i told you so" - my image was more important than my well-being.
after years of verbal abuse, isolation and neglect due to his alcoholism, i have become a very unhappy person, even thought about and attempted suicide which not many people, except him know about. he always tells me i can leave when we argue, but the children are legally to remain here because they're american...so i feel trapped, lonely and not much of a good mother either.

thankfully, to friends, websites on the net i could identify some of my / our self-destructive patterns anf helped my husband get treatment for alcoholism and "coke" use.

although he is better now and acknowledges some of our previous problems, he thinks i maximize the emotional pain he inflicted. he claims i was already "messed up" before we met or that it really wasn't so bad...easy for him to say when he was never fully sober back then. even now he still has set-backs, where he lies to me about stupid things like who he is with after work, whether he had a drink or not...which sometimes he still does. and because of this i often mourn the other guy, the one who really seemed to like me, despite all MY flaws, despite the fact that i had a child - he still wanted to be with me and was ready to make a commitment. i know another man can't be the answer but i guess i miss the feeling / or being the person that i was back then.

through it all, i still have affection for my husband but recently he found a letter to my ex which i held onto. my husband often searches the computer, my personal belongings, note-books because we don't trust one another. i in return have checked his cell-phone records, followed him, i'm not so much in fear of him cheating as i am of him using drungs or drinking, which is the battle that's really his own.
because he is the sole provider of this family, i worry about how i am ever to get out of this cycle, his work-hours a week exceed 70 hours so he's hardly home with us, now 2 children and me.

in the letter i mentioned my husband read about my sorrows, doubts, regrets...now he keeps it as evidence and in so many word he told me what a untrustworthy person i am...yet he's been lying to me for years and years, from very big lies to small, silly stuff nobody but an addict would make things up about.
should i continue to invest in this kind of relationship or move mountains and leave, gain independence, take my kids and go? I made the first step by finally losing my fear of driving (after one night he swerved the car back and forth to scare me - because i was 9 months pregnant and didn't want to go where he wanted to go - to a club) this night had me so paralyzed with fear that for a second i thought perhaps i should take a chance, jump out the car and escape his control before he kills me in a car accident instead. i know, it's called crazy-making. i experienced this method for many years...like when i confronted him after a whole night out where he was and he'd say "i don't know what you're talking about - i was right here!" ...

he thinks i should do as our therapist once said...not dwell in the past but create a new future, with him, at least try. but i'm a different, sadder, less motivated, depressed person when i'm with him, though i stll care about him, perhaps even love him...

so... what to do??

January 16, 2006
5:19 pm
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Dear itneverrains,

You 've really been through alot, haven't you? I wish very much that you could take a few steps back and evaluate how good/bad your situation is.

The trust issues are huge. I am so sorry you are so uncertain about your love and past regrets.......try to focus on today, not past or future. It might help you understand how you feel and what you want to do.

Your English is excellent. You should seriously consider finding bilingual work.

How do you think your children would handle a separation? Is there a way you can build up a little savings so you'd have the means to leave him in a hurry with the children? Even if it was only for a couple of months so that you could get your sanity back?

What he's told you about the children staying in the US if you went back to Germany....I don't think that is true....they are dual citizens and can live in Germany also. But perhaps you know more about this than I do.

Do you have any interest in going to college? Is that an option? If the circumstances of yourchildhood in Germany weren't that great, why not just stay in US and make your own way here? Lots of people do it. If you are getting sadder and feeling more depressed and less motivated, that should be a red flag for you to start making some choices and decisions about what you want for your children.

Returning home, if it wasn't very nurturing in the first place, might not be the answer for you. How often have you been back since you've lived here? Do you have a nice home? Are the children happy in school?

I guess I have alot of questions.

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