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Our Love Was Comfortable..
March 16, 2005
1:26 pm
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Refuse2GiveUp
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Hello to you all. I haven't been here for a while; sometimes I have to avoid things like this because it touches too close to home. I end up bawling my eyes out while I'm at work whenever I check up on this site!

But things are not going that well for me, and at times this site provides stability for me, which I have appreciated since first discovering you all here.

My story in short is that my partner and I have known each other for four years and have gone through so much together. We lived together for about 9 months, and then I had to kick him out two months ago because he wasn't paying his half of anything. He wasn't working at all.

He says that the reason why he is not working or doing anything good is because he doesn't knwo what's going to happen with us. We were supposed to get married, we had rings picked out and I even received some early gifts...and then it just died. We stopped talking about it, stopped planning it, everything. Now we don't know what is going to happen.

I feel I shouldn't marry him until he starts taking responsibility for himself. I am still resentful that I was paying his way for so long. He says he's not working because we haven't gotten married yet and he feels depressed and frustrated over this. I say that I can't marry him because he hasn't shown me that he is responsible enough to raise a family with me. It's like a catch-22.

There is a sort of urgency to get married because his family is very religious and is very concerned that we aren't married.

I am getting more and more depressed every day over this. I am bipolar on top of everything else, so when I get down, I get really down. The struggle that frustrates me is that I feel as though I have no options. I feel like there is nothing I can do to get out of this. Everyone in his family already thinks we are married because we have to lie so that they don't condemn us to hell.

We have so many issues together, and we are so different. But the thing is, we really do love each other. We have had so much fun over the past four years, I care about him more than any other person, and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him.

But then I worry about our kids' lives, I worry if he will be willing to compromise with me, communicate with me, work with me because I know that marriage is not some fun boatride. It takes alot of work and patience.

I starting to worry myself sick. I don't know what I want or how I feel. I can't even talk to him abotu it because I have nothing of any substance to say. I don't want to live my whole life this way. It's getting so bad that sometimes I feel like just running far far away and going off to another state or something just to get away from this.

But I can't stop loving him and I love to be with him. It is this constant flip-flop of my feelings; one minute, I am heartbroken thinking of how life would be without him, and the next minute, I am imagining our kids together and how strong we could be.

Does anyone have any thoughts on this? I feel like I'm not making any sense cause nothing is making any sense in my head. I'm hoping that maybe an outsider's view will be able to rationalize with me and put some perspective on this.

Thank you to all those who have taken the time to read this, and thank you in advance to those who can write back.

Peace to you.

Refuse2GiveUp

March 16, 2005
1:38 pm
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CAMER
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hi Refuse...just know you do have choices, either stay or go, i know it sounds so much easier to say than to do....why not talk to him and see if he can "meet you 1/2 way" and if you both "try" to work on things, things could get better....but only if you
honestly WANT this to work. Cuz if he is not willing to change for the better there is nothing much you can do. I wish you luck.

March 16, 2005
1:54 pm
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Refuse2GiveUp
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About having choices...we are not living together now, and I feel like I am still not ready to end things. I have no idea if I have a good relationship with him or not. I don't know how to judge a healthy relationship. How does a person feel when they are in a healthy relationship? How does a person feel when they are in an unhealthy relationship?

I think he can change for the better but I fear our differences will get in the way when we get older. I feel like our relationship is perfect, as long as Life doesn't get involved. What I mean is that when we are not having to deal with the "outside world" so to speak, then things are great. But then when it comes to dealing with real issues, eh...not so much.

Refuse2GiveUp

March 16, 2005
1:58 pm
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Refuse2GiveUp
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I read how things are for people after they break up from a relationship, how hard it is, how the their ex will start to date or sleep around and it's so hard to handle it. I am afraid of all that, so much. I am really jealous and the thought of him being with someone else just stabs me in the heart.

All of the above makes me not want to end it, or to have a pretty damn good reason before I do end it. If I do.

March 16, 2005
2:54 pm
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peacesoul
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Refuse2GiveUp

I like you did not want to end my dysfunctional relationship with my ex because I was terrified of knowing he would be with other women. (Mind you he was cheating on me...A LOT)
So I clung on to him and the sad empty relationship so I could stay comfortable and so I could never have to face him with others.

Well he dumped me 2 months ago and I know he was with someone the same week. Did it hurt? Like hell !
But the pain from the DOES NOT compare to the pain of a dead end unhealthy relationship
Look at it this way, if it feels wrong, it more than likely is.

I also had a blast with my ex and yes I miss all those things. But I also missed feeling at peace with someone.

It's hard to leave, believe me I know. I could not leave him and waited for him to dump my ass. And I regret letting him have that on me.
If I had to do it all over, I would have walked.... !!!

You have to do what you feel is the best for you to survive

God Speed

March 16, 2005
3:10 pm
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PoundingHeart
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Refuse2giveup, I understand how you feel and have just one question for you:

Are you happy with him? ...that is, if things do not change with/by him, are you happy and content?

March 16, 2005
4:07 pm
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Refuse2GiveUp
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Kind of? Is that a reasonable answer?

If this should be a "yes or no" answer, then......I'd have to take a while to think it over.

Refuse2GiveUp

March 16, 2005
4:45 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Refused:

"I think he can change for the better but I fear our differences will get in the way when we get older. I feel like our relationship is perfect, as long as Life doesn't get involved."

Marriage includes the whole ball of wax- playing, working, paying bills, happiness and sadness. Someone has to be the breadwinner for life to move along- is that always going to be you? Any way he can start to show he can change for the better? I woulndn't want to just hope for it, I would want something more concrete. This is a lifelong committement you're talking about. If he doesn't change can you live with that? SD

March 16, 2005
7:37 pm
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Hi, Refuse. Turn the clock back 30 years and I was where you are now. I loved him (in fact, I still do love him). We married; I was 24, he was 30. I worked; he didn't. "He couldn't find a job that was up to his standards." "He was depressed." "He was sick." "He was afraid." He was always something. We had three children together. I never had the opportunity to stay home with them because one of us had to work --- that was me. He couldn't because he was "depressed, the job market wasn't good, he had bad headaches and sinus problems, etc., etc., etc.

After 28 years of marriage, I left. I was full of resentment and anger. Guess what, when I wasn't there any more to support him, he went out and got a job (a pretty good job)! And he still has it.

Yes, I loved him . . . yes, I miss him. I guess what I'm trying to tell you is don't count on him changing. If you can live and love him for what he is now, it will probably work. But as long as you are willing to enable him to lean on you like a crutch, he will! If you can keep your self-respect, and keep the respect you should have for him, then your love will last and you stand a pretty good chance at having a reasonably happy life.

Don't mean to be discouraging, but look at the situation with open eyes and don't count on him changing.

March 17, 2005
9:27 am
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PoundingHeart
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Wow, this is hitting home for me. I love my bf very much, but I have the same issue with him working. Watson, you could be telling my story in your post. It's as if he's soooooo special that he has high standards for a job when he is not educated or has expertise, yet he won't settle for a regular job. I get up and go to a mundane job every day, but it pays the bills!!! I've expressed my frustrations with him. Where's his 50% (we live together!) Also, while he's "looking" for a job (said sarcastically), shouldn't he have the house clean or do some laundry or cook supper once in a while???? I get home from work and have to go to work on the house every day. His priorities are the computer and video games it seems. Ugggggggg!

March 17, 2005
10:23 am
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Refuse2GiveUp
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Watson-

Wow. Thank you for these insightful responses. They helped me so much to see how things could be in the future.

I hear all of those same excuses you described, Watson - the depression, the not-having-a-job-up-to-his-standards, etc. You said that once you left, he went out and got a job. Do you think if I just stop paying for every darn thing that he will do something about it? Right now he has apologized for what he did to me and he is paying me back through his tax refund. He is also training at another job. I hope this is for real, but I fear this could go on in a cycle for the rest of our lives. Plus it is difficult to be with someone like him, because sometimes I want to go out to eat or go to the movies, but then I have to pay for both of us always. So it's not easy to not pay for his stuff when we spend alot of time together.

Do you think it is possible for someone to change?

He is patient and kind and I know he would be a good father. I don't mind being the breadwinner, but he is capable of working right now AND we don't have kids. I was going into debt and he knew it and still did not work. I am in shock that someone would do this. It is so irresponsible.

March 17, 2005
11:09 am
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Refuse2GiveUp
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Excuse my last post, I was speaking to all who responded or all who read my post, I didn't mean to only address this to Watson, as I put that name at the top.

Refuse2GiveUp

March 17, 2005
4:40 pm
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PoundingHeart
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Refuse, may I ask how old you are?

I really feel your pain and totally understand where you are coming from.
Your situation sounds almost identical to mine. You love him and WANT to be with him, raise a family and have "forever" with him, but he's not giving all he should, right? Do you think you've spoiled him and taken the slack? As for my situation, I think I definitely have been too good and he knows I will make everything work. Instead of 50/50, it's more like 80/20.

March 18, 2005
4:02 pm
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Refuse2GiveUp
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Please forgive me, but I don't wnat to say how old I am. I am fresh-out-of-college, though. It's funny that you ask this, becuase in this thread specifically, I was noticing how young I sound, from how I was describing my relationship to the nieve hope that things will work out.

I feel so tired, I just feel emotionally and phsycially drained. I know he doesn't take my needs into consideration, and last night I was just about ready to say forget it. Although I know that I never could do it, or that I'm really not ready to, rather.

I need about a four-year break from him, though!! That's what I feel like. I'm so drained, PoundingHeart. I feel like I've got nothing left to give, like he's just sucked all the life out of me. I'm tired, I'm worn out like a rug. I just want to go "home," somewhere safe and good for me.

How do you intend to deal with your own situation with yoru partner? I'm not really familiar with your situation, would you share it with me?

Refuse2GiveUp

March 19, 2005
7:07 am
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ALADDIN
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I believe the man to be the breadwinner but today man and woman had to work to get somewhere.My exs had complains that i always work and dont have time for them,she didt work.the funny thing is after our divorce i got the children and i had time to spent with them,not working anymore day and nigt,the dance club i had weekends i made erangements with a friend to stand in every 2 weekend that i could spent time with children.I learn to late to keep a balance between work and family.what i try to say is is that their had to be a balance working and personel live.but if a man always had a excuse not to work he dont want to work and dont give a dam to prowide for his family.IF YOU dont have a job you cannot be to good for a low class work,if your lazy no work will be goodenough.

March 19, 2005
9:47 am
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balancesekr
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hi refuse2giveup,

I can relate to what you are worrying about and your concerns are legitimate!

I was engaged and broke it off, there were subtle differences that concerned me and I felt would be a problem in the future.

Your partner's excuse for not working does not make any sense. As an adult, he should be providing for himself regardless of what his maritial status is or is going to be.

When you get married it is a stressful time and it is easy to get caught up in what everyone else wants for you. Just be careful here and maybe take a few steps back to evaluate, there is no hurry.

I was being rushed too. And I called it off. I still struggle knowing if it was the right decision. I think it was but I really miss my ex still. But, the pain would have been greater staying in a situation which was not nuturing to me. Good luck, listen to your inner voice.

balancesekr

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