Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
Our Dark Sides
February 25, 2005
10:12 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This has been a topic lately for some of us.

I have come to realize that we ALL have a dark side, it really is just acknowledging it, and trying to understand why we do what we do, so that we can stop it before it starts to hurt people.

I wonder if our dark sides reach out for contact to people with other similar dark sides.

February 25, 2005
3:28 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

hello

February 25, 2005
3:31 pm
Avatar
GullyFoyle
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yeah, I have been in touch with my dark side, even come to terms with it. It's not pretty, but I have to accept that it is part of me too.

Yeah, the attraction thing. It's like radar.

February 25, 2005
3:39 pm
Avatar
eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I was quite afraid of my ability to get really really *seeing red* angry. Until I realized that this is also a fierce way of protecting things that are very important for me.

This realization made it possible that I don't have to deal with anger and fear of what I might do out of anger together. I rather deal with anger, and start looking for what it is, that is so important to me, to get so angry. My angry me is still not pretty, but I learned a lot. And I don't get out of control any more.

February 25, 2005
3:39 pm
Avatar
eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I was quite afraid of my ability to get really really *seeing red* angry. Until I realized that this is also a fierce way of protecting things that are very important for me.

This realization made it possible that I don't have to deal with anger and fear of what I might do out of anger together. I rather deal with anger, and start looking for what it is, that is so important to me, to get so angry. My angry me is still not pretty, but I learned a lot. And I don't get out of control any more.

February 25, 2005
3:41 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yeah me too, and my ability to really do things to manipulate and so forth. Now that I realize it, I can look at myself and see that no matter what I cannot control anyone.

I agree we all have dark sides, and coming to terms with it only helps understand ourselves more

February 25, 2005
3:52 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have a dark side too...I have trouble allowing people see my muck, which we all have, but for me I cover it up sometimes. I know what to do in my head about it, but my heart feels differently. I am very guarded, rigid, stiff as a result sometimes. Good thread title, Aces!

February 25, 2005
4:00 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I sometimes see my dark side and then ignore it and try to justify it to myself. yucky stuff.

The I see my better side of me.

but if I ignore my dark side to often, it lurks and sneaks up on me; then I have to really face it. Don't like it, but am working on accepting myself and improving.

Good thread.....and I was just having fun playing here on the threads and here we are. Need balance in life, don't we?

February 25, 2005
4:06 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

yeah I sometimes think the more we ignore our dark side the more it grows.

Then it totally blows up one day and we don't even realize it.

So I wonder for people who don't acknowledge their dark side, what do they do?

February 25, 2005
4:17 pm
Avatar
tracylyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Aces ~

There's a book, "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers". It gets you to dig deep inside and find out about those dark places and why we behave or react in ways we do.

We all have those places but we've been taught it's bad, bad, bad to react or behave in way's that are not appropriate so we push those places in us away and deny them and even become defensive if someone accusses us of having them. We lie about them and pretend we're "perfect" like the world says we should be.

I think the best thing we can do for ourselves is accept who we are and things we've done and understand that it's part of us and forgive ourselves. Learn from our mistakes and cherish the fact that we're able to see them and make changes to be the person whom "we" want to be. (not who anyone else thinks we should be or are).

February 25, 2005
4:21 pm
Avatar
eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think that our dark side is very pleased and thrives when we feed it with fear and repression. Shame, guilt and denial are perfect fertilizers for the darker aspects of our character. The more we try to avoid taking a good long level-headed look at it, the more unhealthy energy it can suck out of our everyday lifes.

I think that is what confessing in catholic religion is about: own up to your bad sides, get them out in a safe place, and then let go.

February 25, 2005
4:26 pm
Avatar
sewunique
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Aces,

You said:
"So I wonder for people who don't acknowledge their dark side, what do they do? "

Perhaps they are the evil ones in our lives????????

February 25, 2005
4:35 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow Tracy I would love to read that book, I will try to find it.

I think both you and Eve are right, we do things for a reason, and it is so easy to want to deny anything bad because heaven forbid we do anything wrong, but the thing is we do wrong things like others, and in the end it is really how we feel about ourselves that matters.

You are both soo right.

Sew, I think you are right too, because it is the people that don't even realize their dark sides, or the people that blame their dark sides on others that are dangerous.

February 25, 2005
4:36 pm
Avatar
eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I think that it is also important to see that most behaviours are not black and white. Being angry might be appropriate, when somebody is trying to take advantage of you. Being manipulative may be helpful, when you are facing bad odds and need to get something. Being thoughtless can mean that you can take a quick decision and don't hesitate forever. Being hesitant can mean to be wise.

I guess that many of the sides that we have a hard time with are things that our parents were afraid of? Things that they found repulsive, when we as wee children did them the first time, just to see what happens. Maybe the fear of our dark sides is in reality the fear to be unlovable, to be rejected because of being an ugly person. It is soooo important to give finely tuned feedback. And so difficult for a child, and sometimes for an adult to understand, that having done something bad does not mean that we are a doomed personality.

February 25, 2005
5:07 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Another thought, forgiving ourselves...I am not even sure I know how to do that. How is that in regard to a dark side we may have?

February 25, 2005
5:14 pm
Avatar
eve
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

good things about forgiving yourself: you feel unencumbered, lighter, have more peace with yourself

bad things about forging yourself (too easily). You don't learn from your mistakes, you might get undisciplined, careless and sloppy.

Are you afraid of any of the bad things that might happen, when you are too easy on yourself?

February 25, 2005
5:16 pm
Avatar
tracylyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

We also go through certain emotions that, at the time, lead us to believe our actions are justified.

I think that's what I used to do. I'd lie to my husband to protect myself and avoid conflict which was just manipulating the outcome of things but in my head I convinced myself that it was ok because he overreated and yelled about everything. I cheated on my husband and then justified that at the time because he wasn't there for me. When in reality....I should have left first...then found someone else, not the other way around.

It's a lot about believing in ourselves and what we stand for. Once I accepted all my shortcomings I and was able to accept things I'd done, I was then able to forgive myself and not be ashamed to say "Hey, I'm not perfect".

We also have to realize that NO One but no one is perfect. I'm proud that I can say I've messed up in my life, accept me or move on!!

February 25, 2005
5:18 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

good advice tracylyn, and absolutely on target I think. Any ideas about how I would go about getting it into my heart? I know sometimes we ahve to take risks...I must be afraid of rejection.

February 25, 2005
5:22 pm
Avatar
Cey
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Today, I am definitely having one of those darker days. I am so frustrated because I have people in my life who are so used to me acting "all perfect" all the time, that when I decide to assert myself- then I am accused of "being weird". What can I do in this case? I have a hard time dealing with these feelings, and on those days- I don't want to talk to anyone or say anything because I am afraid of getting angry. I read all of the threads and they helped me a bit, but what do you do when a situation like that one I had comes about?

February 25, 2005
5:25 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tracy i agree, I lied to Mr. Jack about who I was out with, where I was going, even if it was harmless because I didn't want to deal with his anger and jealousy at times. I also kept things from him, because I knew he would use it against me in future arguments.

I think if I had been honest from the get go, we wouldnt have dated for so long.

I also got caught up in this addiction of sex, being okay with just having sex, because I wanted more, and thought it would happen after time. It never does, and I wasn't true to myself on it.

I realized though that I am who i am if if someone doesn't like that than that is there problems. LIke me for who i am and like me not in spite of my faults.

I know I have not been perfect either, and i am okay with that now. I have learned what NOT to do in my next relationship.

February 25, 2005
5:38 pm
Avatar
tracylyn
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

One of the biggest challenges we all face is letting go of worrying what other people think and reacting to situations based on other people's perceptions. We think we can't get mad, be sad, have a bad day or do something really bad cause then people won't like us.

You have to get to a point where it doesn't matter what others think of you, if they like you, if they think you are weird. I pride myself in being weird and now it's what my bf says he likes about me cause I'm not afraid to admit I'm a dork and I'm not afraid to tell people the bad and ugly things I've done in my life.

Our dark side is ours to cherish and accept. You can start by fogiving yourself for things you've done that were wrong (by your standards). Throw the guilt out the window and make an honest effort to be a different person. (notice I didn't say better person).

Look in the mirror several times a day and say "I love me", and mean it. Love yourself for who you were, who you are and who you will be.

February 25, 2005
5:46 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

great! makes very good sense. one of these days it will totally sink in...still sinking. I appreciate your insight!

February 25, 2005
10:06 pm
Avatar
workinonit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Tracy, this is so me! "I think that's what I used to do. I'd lie to my husband to protect myself and avoid conflict which was just manipulating the outcome of things but in my head I convinced myself that it was ok because he overreated and yelled about everything. I cheated on my husband and then justified that at the time because he wasn't there for me. When in reality....I should have left first...then found someone else, not the other way around. "

This reminds me of the song, Killing Me Softly"

I remember right after I left my first husband feeling guilt, shame, anxiety, fear and a multitude of negative emotions. I had to assess the way I felt about me! The problem was I didn't know who I was. I spwent so many years being who others, especially my ex, wanted me to be. Now I had to live with my decisions and find out the truth.

The truth is still being revealed to me. I was dumbfounded when I realized I manipulated. But really I should have recognized it. After all, when you live with manipulation you learn to repeat the tricks out of defense. The funny thing is I started to become what I left and that was a scary admission. Now, I work hard to accept myself and remind myself I have ther right to be alone and like it. This sort of takes the pain away from thinking there might be something unacceptable about me.

Complex stuff this self examination.

February 25, 2005
11:06 pm
Avatar
the_real_me
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I can relate to these posts so well. I can remember times when my supervisor(s) would go behind doors to talk to their supervisors and I never could get over the feeling that they were talking about me. I have even overheard negative conversations about me from a supervisor who used to tell me what a great job I was doing and how greatful she was that I was part of her staff. It is hard because things like this lead you to doubt yourself.

I have always tried to live by "if someone doesn't like me, it is their problem" rule. But doing this means examining one's self and making sure that you are not doing something to make the other person feel this way. Then again, some people are so miserable with them selves they try to bring you down with them, you know the old misery loves company routine. This is where it is good if you have an true friendship/relationship with someone who isn't afraid to point out things to you in a constructive way. They are not doing this to bring you down or something like that, but to help you grow. (Which is what a loving, meaningful realtionship is all about right?) I am fortunate that I have a few friends like that and although it might be hard hearing what they have to say sometimes, in the end it helps me to improve upon myself.

In my opinion, being codependent keeps us from dealing or accepting our "dark" side. We sit and worry about the "what ifs" and feel that if they really found out this about me, they wouldn't like me any more. This leads us to destructive/abusive relationships/behaviors and the giving up of ourselves to make the other people happy, while we sit there dying inside.

When we can take the time to sit down and really look inward and accept who we are is when we can learn to like/love ourseves, despite our shortcomings. This may not be easy for some of us because it might mean that we have to get out of a relationship/marriage to truly be able to deal with these issues. But in the end the happiness and the inner peace that you will be able to find will make it all worth it!

Just remember, God knows we are not perfect, but He loves us anyway. 🙂

February 28, 2005
9:25 pm
Avatar
workinonit
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The real me,

I can appreciate your words, they ring very true. I wonder how many people realize the influence codep plays on really knowing yourself?

I have found as I am getting used to being on my own, and this is not always easy, getting to know myself is more and more at the top of my list. The opportunities for this self examination come along daily!! Sometimes I follow, sometimes I don;t but either way is a concious decision depending on how strong I feel.

The dark side is necessary though. Otherwise we wouldn't know the other side!

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
30
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110935
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38542
Posts: 714222
Newest Members:
jessicawales, documentsonline, SafeWork, thomasalina, genericsmartdrugs, 才艺
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer