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our adult children
June 21, 2006
1:20 am
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stillhope
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Does anyone have an adult child, who does not want to be close and share?
If you do, can you share with me how you cope with it? How do you feel when your calls are not returned? Do you call again? and next day? I call once a week, calls are seldom returned. My son is married and 32 years old. Why is he doing it? I am reasonable, polite, considerate and always try to help if needed.

June 21, 2006
1:53 am
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bluefish
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Hi stillhope
I'm not sure exactly what you mean by be close and share.

I can only speak out of my experiences with my four adult children. My daughters share alot more with me than do my sons. I think girls just like yakking on the phone more. They like talking about every little detail of their life and they know their mother will be interested even if nobody else is.

I phone my sons more than they phone me. I don't think anything is wrong when they don't phone or call me back. I give them heck in fun though sometimes. I know they are busy and work and are tired when they get home. I don't blame them, I just keep trying. Not every day but atleast once a week. Then when they do phone they appologize and everything is good and they'll talk for a long time sometimes. Other times maybe they are not so much in the mood to talk. I wonder then if all is good but it usually is.

I think relationships are funny things. You can't push it, especially with your adult children but you can still love them and never stop. They still need you but not like little children. They need their space more and if they feel pushed they'll back away.

Actually it works the other way too. If my daughter who lives close comes over a little too much (seldom happens) or gets me to babysit a little too frequently, I don't say anything but I find myself backing away. I'll tell her I'm busy with one thing or another. I'm glad she gets the hint because I'd hate to have to tell her bluntly.

I find it to be a bit of a balancing act where you want to be close but also keep a healthy distance.

That's all the wisdom I can muster up tonight.:) bf

June 21, 2006
2:31 am
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It's a good question, stillhope. Bluefish is right about balance. I like to not come across as too needy to them (esp. when I'm feeling pretty needy!!!) and then I do not want to feel like I'm being "used" either. There are times when you feel so much love for them that you just want to LOOK and maybe TOUCH and that's just not cool at all, so somewhere in there you have to suck it up and have your people call their people and set up a lunch date. 🙂

If you leave a message that you want to meet him for lunch (1 on 1) next Thursday at a particular place, and then make it a happy date, he'll probably appreciate the attention. You can't say anything that sounds like criticism....or "helpful comments". Or whining. You pretty much have to hope he talks and then you get to listen and approve of whatever he says. You can't act hurt 'cause he's ducked your calls. You say some really heart-felt compliments about his wife and how much you both love her. And him.

Of course I'm kidding and serious at the same time. It's very much like a quote I remember from a lit class about "the closer you come in relating to another person the more important do tact and courtesy become." It's a tightrope

June 21, 2006
7:27 am
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stillhope
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Thank you for answering my e-mail, by sharing I mean talking a little about your job, fun and movies you saw.
By being close I mean calling to initiate a contact.
My son calls only when he needs something from us. Seldom. He could be rude and express his anger clearly if something is not going well. I try not to lecture, but I stop him when he is rude. We live about 30 minutes from them, and were invited in their house only 3 times in 2 years, I invite about once a month, and sometimes meet him for lunch. His wife lokes to keep distance. I never express my opinion or offer any advice. We are immigrants, and she is born in the USA.
My son never calls his Grandma. ( my Mother).
These are problems I have. If anyone has the same problems please, share with me.

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