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Ouch - Healintime Feeling Attacked Here
February 4, 2007
11:16 pm
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healintime
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Well,

This one is a new experience. I posted on a thread in good faith - and my first post was pretty much in line with its predecessors - that the request seemed out of whack with this site's intent and that there were better forums out there.

I was called a nut, and a brown noser, told that codependency was babble, and pretty much attacked.

I responded, I shouldn't have - it wasn't an attack, it was an analogy. I made a "humorous" comment in closing and then when called on the nature of those comments made a full mea culpa and explained my feelings.

It really hurts, after months on this site to be referred to as someone who a new poster "shouldn't judge the site by." Part of my reaction in the first place was because this site has been a safe place of healing for me and the request was made by someone who didn't even seem to know, or care, what codependency was, or is.

It is unbelievably painful to be here because of dysfunctional childhood where I was told not to have feelings and express myself and feel that I can't have feelings or express myself on a recovery site. Or to feel that my mea culpa wasn't heard. And to have people reassuring someone who has name called me - and attacked me - when I've spent the last two years recovering from a relationship where the name calling and attacks nearly broke my spirit.

I take my recovery seriously, and this site seriously. I was deeply, deeply triggered by the name calling - and my response, which was brief - came out as a humorous analogy that I shouldn't have made, I should have walked away and I will next time - but I'm still learning.

Oh my does does it though, to have someone who openly abused me reassured and asked to stick around - when at the same time, six months into being part of a community that I've groen to love - I'm held up as someone not to judge the site by. It feels familiar and it's not pleasant.

I'm sorry - i just really needed to get that out.

Hugs,

H.

February 4, 2007
11:24 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Well, sometimes people lose their composure and say unwise things.

It's worth checking to see if it was really a personal attack or just a strong reaction to your ideas. It can be hard to separate a person from their ideas when we have strong disagreements.

Maybe just take a breather and see how everyone feels in a couple days?

February 4, 2007
11:35 pm
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healintime
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Thanks WD. I definitely need to step away - I have a knot in my stomach the size of a grapefruit. I'm taking a breather. Being attacked - even online, even by someone I don't know - the name calling - major trigger for me still, obviousy. It has been a long time since it happened and I'm really taken aback at how upset I was/am.

More than that - the feeling that the person who attacked/triggered me is being handled more gently than I am for my response to it ... oooh, beyond trigger. I need to settle down before I'll be able to see forest for trees.

Thanks for posting,

H.

February 4, 2007
11:39 pm
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mamacinnamon
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(((healintime)))

I didn't read the thread on purpose so I cannot comment there. I will say that WD is basically right. It could have been a harsh reaction rather than a personal attack. I don't know.

You will find tho, that as w/ any site w/ adults, that they do rub the wrong way at times. It's just part of human nature.

Get a cup of tea and take a breather. We will look forward to seeing you back tomorrow or as soon as you feel up to it.

(((((healintime))))) (had to throw in an extra hug)))))

February 4, 2007
11:42 pm
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Jenni
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((((healintime))) Honey, I believe those remarks were also aimed at me, as well. In fact, I think it was aimed at several of us.

But the way I see it, is that I won't take personal the pain of another. Something caused that anger to come out. I know it's mainly because we feel protective of each other here, and don't want to see anyone slide back.

For me, in my own opinion, I personally don't believe that inmates and codependents mix very well. I know this from experience, and have seen it several times. So yes, I felt protective of my friends here. But it was not meant to be offensive. It was just a simple attempt in pointing out what this site is all about and what it's not.

So no, that message wasn't received very well, but I do believe in speaking up when it's called for.

Please don't feel too badly about this, Healintime. You are very much a part of our community here, and I do not want you to feel anything less because of one poster. You are cared for and very understood. You belong here, Sis!! 😉

(((((Healintime))))

February 4, 2007
11:53 pm
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southgoingzax
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of course, healin,

it hurts when you get attacked in what you thought was a safe place - you are always very careful with your words, I have total faith that you responded with honesty and kindness. There is still a lot of codependency here, and sometimes people post without realizing they are responding out of their old habits and patterns.

I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, I hope you can come back when you are ready - I know I have had a similar situation, and boy, did it tear me up inside. If I had been aware of what was going on, I would have posted in your defense - you are incredibly wise, insightful, caring, and generous, and one of my absolute favorite people here. Remember that there can be some real kooks on-line - you never know what you are going to get and try to accept that it is not your fault, nor your problem - you did what you thought was right and what else can you do?

Love Ya,

zax

February 4, 2007
11:54 pm
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Hi ((((healin))))

I only read a few threads around here these days, one of which is Zax's. I've been really admiring and appreciating your posts to her lately; you sensitivity, openness, empathy and warmth.

I'm sorry you got stung on this other thread, which I did look at. You didn't deserve to be called names, and I hope you can recover quickly from being triggered. Go away, knot in healin's stomach!

I personally would consider you a very fine and positive example of a poster here to judge this site by. My opinion, and I'm sticking to it :o)

it's all grist for the mill, isn't it....

take care, best regards from kroiks

February 4, 2007
11:55 pm
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haha, how apropos -- Zax and I posted at the same time.

We've got your back, sister!

February 5, 2007
12:01 am
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southgoingzax
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yay kroiks!

February 5, 2007
12:06 am
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scyllamessina
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The attacker was hurt, and that was their way of expressing that pain. It has nothing to do with you. Anytime anyone attacks someone else in that manner, it is their own issue. Remember that.

We are human, and it is our nature to have conflicts. And we all make mistakes. It is okay.

You didn't do anything wrong in expressing your feelings, but at the same time you can't control how other people respond.

Instead of taking it out on yourself, try something else. Envision the person who hurt you as a scared, hurting child. Picture them as not capable of understanding where you are coming from. Picture them as someone who is going through a tremendous amount of pain and suffering. Picture them as someone who is weaker than yourself. Exercise your compassion and imagine forgiving this person because they don't know what they are doing. It doesn't matter if it is true or not, but it helps me learn to let things go easier.

February 5, 2007
12:26 am
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free
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this happens from time to time, healin. that poster is just super duper hostile.

if codependency is an issue with ya, you're probably gonna have an urge to engage with that poster and fix it, make it right, get it all in balance- know what I mean? Try to let it go.

It's gonna be okay.

hugs

free

February 5, 2007
12:29 am
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southgoingzax
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what kind of nut are you? Me, I think I'm a pecan, they're the yummiest. Almonds are good too, though.

February 5, 2007
12:36 am
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free
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I'm a nut! It's fun.

I don't have to make excuses for being nutty and I don't have to be normal.

🙂 !

free

February 5, 2007
12:51 am
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Loralei
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healintime, I started to respond on that thread too but decided the dude wasn't worth my time. And I'm not about to be "nice" to him because I have no desire whatsoever to "save" him in any way. I don't feel obligated to be nice to someone who is being rude. Just realize that you were communicating with someone who totally lacks manners and common courtesy. It's his problem and is in no way reflecting on you. Please don't take any of it personally because you did absolutely nothing to warrant his rudeness. Let it go. (((H)))

February 5, 2007
9:11 am
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healintime
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Hi everyone,

Thanks for your posts - I really appreciate the understanding. I've had a little time to reflect and listed, uh, more than a few occasions in my life when I've felt chastised for defending myself against someone else's attack. The baggage led the way on this one in many respects.

For many years I stopped defending myself altogther - yesterday I used "banter" instead of a straightforward "that's not okay" - or "that reaaaly hurt." I guess it's important to say that - if I use humor, as I often do, instead of an ouch - people can't know that I'm hurting. Neat trick - until you're trying to own your feelings, then it becomes counterproductive.

I'm afraid I have some growing to do before I can meet verbal attacks with a warm hug for the attackers hurt little one. I'm still working, hard, to be kind to my own hurt little one - and yesterday hit about four sore spots - two from when I was hurting, and little - and a couple that are, unfortunately, more fresh.

Looking forward to a time when I can let it roll off - but I'm glad that I vented. I'm a little embarrassed today but those feeling were very real and even a year ago I think I would have taken them out on myself for longer, shut down and logged off for good. I don't want to feel that I have to handle things "perfectly" - I'm on here to address that. But I'm doing better all the time, and this site is a big part of that. I'm glad to be here.

Hugs,

H.

February 5, 2007
9:58 am
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Healintime, Just Shake it off...You just got caught up in a bad deal...I love to read your posts..You have not't done a dam thing wrong....But I understand how you feel , that person was pretty hostile..We don't need that...Shake it Off......horsefly

February 5, 2007
10:08 am
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bevdee
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Healintime

I am glad you posted this - "For many years I stopped defending myself altogther - yesterday I used "banter" instead of a straightforward "that's not okay" - or "that reaaaly hurt." I guess it's important to say that - if I use humor, as I often do, instead of an ouch - people can't know that I'm hurting. Neat trick - until you're trying to own your feelings, then it becomes counterproductive."

I had a similar reaction to those responses, but decided not to respond. But you stepped right up and talked about how it made YOU feel, not how it should make others feel. I appreciate that. In my mother's codep workshop, I was taught to deny my own feelings,discouraged from communicating themand most importantly, to always put others first. Reading these ouch posts has helped me realise more about myself. Thank you.

Bevdee

February 5, 2007
7:23 pm
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Shaney
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Hey there healin - I saw that post, and it seemed to go from bad to worse, in just a matter of a few posts. Believe me, I react with humor and sarcasm, a LOT... and am learning to deal with the reactions to that. No worries - we're ALL learning from our mistakes, and God knows we ALL make them.

You're an asset to this site and no one can deny that. It's a fact. You followed the comments that you made with a new thread that expresses exactly how you felt about the whole deal, which is growth in itself. Keep up the great advice and never lose that sense of humor. I appreciate it :o).

Another fact is that there isn't one of us that wouldn't take G. Clooney's info if it became available.

February 5, 2007
7:32 pm
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healintime
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Hi horsefly, Bevdee, Shaney,

Thank you all for your kind words - I wasn't fishing, I really was just venting. But I'm pretty overwhelmed with the nice things people have had to say - and more than anything, the reminders that it's okay to screw up.

The whole thing has actually been a really important lesson. I DO use humor. A lot. To deflect discomfort, hurt, unease, you name it. Except I don't name it - I'll make a joke instead. A big part of me has always been very afraid to say "I'm hurting" or "I'm scared" - I guess in some situations in my life that has been self-protective. There are folks its not wise to alert to your tender places. But this site, from my experience, is a safe place. And really, for the first time ever yesterday - i did say it, and I got some good honest feedback and insights and some gentle understanding and love. That's a really nice feeling. I appreciate it and it can only help with the growth process... which, oh, my is ongoing.

Hugs and a big thank you,

Healin.

February 5, 2007
7:35 pm
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healintime
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Hey Shaney - yes, I was only half kidding about Clooney. And Jen thanks for your post(s)- inappropraite or not the back and forth yesterday lightened the situation for me for a moment when I needed it. I think Sam Elliot is dreamy, too. Did you know he ended up marrying the actress from the Graduate?

February 5, 2007
8:03 pm
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horsefly
this is off....be on this forum for years....not just since last year..we can email each other Now? that Nappy is long gone....
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Just keep up with being who you are' I t helps me more than you can ever know. You are a good sound person and I hope to hear more from you...It is great that you are so aware of yourself....horsefly

February 5, 2007
8:28 pm
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ggfred4
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(((Healintime))) I am sorry for what happened on that thread yesterday, but proud of how you and others handled yourself. Expressing your feelings on this thread and learning from others is excellent in your growth and healing. I learned a lot from both threads, of course, from the sidelines until I too am brave one day.

February 5, 2007
8:38 pm
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Jenni
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Hey there, Healintime! Dang, Sam is MARRIED?? I was going to look him up! Oh well, just another thought...

I hope you're doing better. I feel responsible for the way that thread went. I think I sort of set the tone being the first one to reply to it. When I looked back at it, it appeared very short and curt. I came off sort of nasty, which wasn't my intent. I just didn't take the time to describe it another way, that this wasn't the appropriate place for that particular request.

So that was basically the reason I apologized in the end. Had I taken a different approach in my reply, there may not have been hard feelings on either side. So I also apologize to you, Honey. I truly didn't mean to pull you or anyone in to a hostile thread.

(((Healintime))) Hope you're having a WONDERFUL evening! And let our dreams continue!! ;).....(Sam & George) LOL!

Jen

February 5, 2007
8:50 pm
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healintime
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Hiya Jan,

Feeling much better - and had a few revelations about how I communicate and why - so all good.

Honey, I don't think you were curt - I looked at the thread a couple times yesterday - prior to that attack not one post had been rude - they weren't long posts but they weren't rude, there were welcomes, smileys and if you want to talk about codependency, this is the place posts. Nothing warranted the level of anger that came next - it was not your fault, Will Hunting! Not your fault!

Yes, Sam is married - which is real shame. We could have gone on one hell of a double date.. Sam has a ranch and George has an Italian Villa. We could have summered in Italy, and wintered in front of log fires.. 😉

Hugs,

H.

February 5, 2007
8:55 pm
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healintime
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P.S. You didn't pull me, lovely - I walked into it willingly, partly because I got a really strong reaction to both the first and second posts. My stuff - and my responsibility. I'll know to walk away and take some deep breaths the next time that happens. Live and learn.. and learn.. and learn..

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