Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
other woman told X she loves him!
July 25, 2005
10:01 am
Avatar
I C Gold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

X2 told me this morning in an email that she had told him she's in love with him. Neither her divorce or ours is final-HELL ours hasn't even been filed yet!! I'm not too sure how I feel, a sense he's really gone? or that's it's all to quick and he's going to get hurt even more and if that's what I feel WHY? He drops this in my lap and all I"m worrying about is how HE's possibly going to get hurt. Did I mention he came by yesterday and we had sex? He was really stressed out and I think it was a "pity" lay on my part. I didn't feel ashamed afterwards just sorta glad I'd made him feel better.
I know that we shouldn't do that anymore and maybe since she's said this I'll find it easier not to fall into old habits. I will miss him though. Strangely maybe this is the final kick in the pants I need to realize it's truly over. Wish I could say I wasn't heartbroken but I was already so what's one more stab? Just one more hurdle to get over..I do wish the divorce had been final before all of THIS came out, knowing we aren't still married might make it easier?

July 25, 2005
10:07 am
Avatar
SexySadie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh My!!! Honey...why did he tell you? Why? Phew...I wish I could hug you right now...but hugs coming through...what are they thinking sometimes?

Have you done anything with NC? Here is an article that I read yesterday. It might be good reading for you right now.

I wish I could say something to make the pain go away. You sound amazingly strong from your email.

http://www.family.org/married/.....019167.cfm

July 25, 2005
10:18 am
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I C Gold
It sounds to me like you have gone numb and are completely out of touch with yourself emotionally. The fact that you could have sex with him and feel good about making HIM feel better, in the face of the reality of what he is doing to you, and your marriage, is the dead giveaway. Your sense of self is completely gone.

I have been there. When we have had all we can endure, we shut down for a time. Eventually, you will start to thaw, and then you will cry for weeks (at least I did)

He has completely disrespected you and you don't deserve that. I don't care waht the little voices in your head tell you...the ones that make excuses for him, that tell you it's not so bad, that you don't deserve any better.

Those voices are LIARS. Please don't listen to them. This man is not good to you. YOU need to learn to be good to you. A start would be to start taking care of YOUR emotional needs and stop taking care of his.

I hope you can detach from him and cut him out of your life so you can start to unthaw. This situation will destroy you, and you don't deserve that.

I can really relate to where you are...I did the same things and felt the same things (or rather, didn't feel!) when my husband's affair came out.

Please believe you deserve so much more than this, and give yourself a BIG hug because you are being treated horribly, and don't deserve it.

lots of love
kc

July 25, 2005
10:25 am
Avatar
exoticflower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh, gold, this man is an insensitive thoughtless selfish jerk, only out to serve himself, imo. He has antoher woman. Let him get his comfort from her, he doesn't deserve you, and you deserve worlds better than a pity lay from a jerk who uses his mistress to manipulate you. I hope it is the kick in the pants you need, I know what you are going through and have been there before, and I know that it sucks pretty bad. Hugs to you, and beleive me, you will get through this and come out stronger and happier for all of it.

July 25, 2005
10:25 am
Avatar
I C Gold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I live by the saying"that which does not kill me, makes me stronger" but DAMN it sure seems close to killing me sometimes. I'm reading the online book "You can Choose to be Happy" by
Tom G.Stevens. It's got a LOT of wonderful information to work with and thru.
I guess breaking an 11 year habit of having him here is going to take some time. As I've said before, why do you only remember the good when they leave and not all the crap? Never mind who was at fault...
Thanks for the web link, it was wonderful reading...

July 25, 2005
10:38 am
Avatar
exoticflower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Maybe you should write down all of the bad, putting the really REALLY bad in bold red marker to make sure you don't forget them? Leave it on your fridge?

I know this won't kill you, btw:)

July 25, 2005
10:38 am
Avatar
I C Gold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I HAVE to stay in some contact, we have a daughter together and she lives with him. I've cried the river of tears and am slowly repeat slowly coming to grips with this..I think.
Ask me again this afternoon-LOL

July 25, 2005
10:43 am
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have kids with mine too...and mine are babies so contact is high. But it's strictly "business"- meaning, kids. It's helped immensely.

It's just a crazy-assed roller coaster in the early months, and the waves of hurt and pain keep coming. The anger part was almost a relief for me! At least I could get rehydrated!

kc

July 25, 2005
10:55 am
Avatar
exoticflower
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

You know, I take for granted how far away he lives, and that she is too young to require much contact with him besides visits. It's helped me go through the stages a lot more quickly without him button pushing or working me backwards as easily or as often as if he lived in the same state. Gold, can you convince him to move to NY? It's lovely there, and I know a guy he'd get along wonderfuly with that knows lots of nice girls:)

You could do a neutral dropoff point with only basic social contact to exchange things and brief one another on her, she needs to see you be civil, not be best friends. How old is she?

July 25, 2005
11:11 am
Avatar
I C Gold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Daughter is 71/2 and is very bright. She told him the other day that she wanted him to either get back with me or marry the "other". She was fine with either one!! I think she misses "family" even if ours wasn't the greatest..

He's going to move in the "her" really really soon and I don't know how to handle going over and getting our daughter or if I ever should. Just get him to meet me anyplace but "their" house-ya know?

July 25, 2005
3:22 pm
Avatar
mamacinnamon
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 0
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I C Gold:

I don't see any purpose of his to tell you that other than to yank your chain. Him trying to hurt and/or manipulate you, your emotions, actions.....

And who said your 7 1/2 year old said to get back w/ you or marry the other? Him or your daughter? If it was he then I'd blow it off. Unless it comes directly from your daughter's mouth don't believe it.

You stand strong. What's the saying?... don't let 'em see ya sweat. Don't let him manipulate you and hurt you like this.

I don't know him, but I've seen the nicest of guys turn into total a**holes when they are wanting something from the soon to be ex. Kinda like a cat playing w/ a mouse. IF I am totally wrong here I apologize. One way or the other you stand strong and don't let him take the best of you.

July 25, 2005
4:38 pm
Avatar
I C Gold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Keep up the great work guys-Your support is ALL I have right now.

It's such a habit I guess to let him talk to me that way. I'm learning detatchment and looking at him when he talks and seeing what is REALLY being said.
I just have the co-dependent trait of wanting everybody to like me and be happy(of course except me!)

July 25, 2005
9:44 pm
Avatar
I C Gold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

They(the X and my daughter) just left after having supper here. He acted like nothing had happened today, like he's ok with what he told me and was joking and playing like we used to when we were together??? Is this emotional abuse even though it's NOT loud and ugly? I got very emotional and he saw it, does that mean he won?
I was fine ALL day till I actually saw him come thru my front door with this little bomb he dropped on me this AM.

July 25, 2005
11:53 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yes, Gold, he is playing on your emotions. What a jerk! Let's see, he had sex with YOU yesterday, and today he's telling you that the other woman is in love with him. Geesh, he must get some sick thrill from jerking you around. He IS messing with your head and heart, so CUT HIM OFF! Detach now before he can use you any further to tickle his own ego.

I realize you have a daughter together, so there will be some contact. But make it ONLY about your daughter. Don't let him play this emotional blackmail game with you any further! You don't owe him ANYTHING!

July 26, 2005
12:12 am
Avatar
Just Lost
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Gold, you and I are in the same boat. My wife left me 7 weeks ago. It was only a few weeks ago that I found out she was in love with a married co-worker who is getting a divorce also. My wife didn't even tell me. I had to find out by confronting them. Then she tries to tell me they are nothing but very good friends and that the feelings come and go. Well, hell, he got his own place two weeks ago and she has stayed there four nights. First it was "I just fell asleep on the sofa." Then it was, "I didn't want to stay at my mom's because she was on my ass." So what's the excuse tonight? I found out she has been parking her car in his garage so I wouldn't know she was there. She's there tonight again. We're not divorced yet either but she is also making plans to go on a trip with him in two weeks. How about that? Sound familiar?

I have been dying a slow death with it. But I went to a CoDA meeting tonight. I found out that I am codependent very badly. I also discovered that a lot of our relationship problems stemmed from my codep. I would highly recommend that you go to a meeting and start counseling. I go to counseling next week for the first time. In my case, I spend all my time wondering what she is doing and where they are together. I almost want to call my atty and tell him to change the reason for the divorce to irreconcilable differences and adultery.

July 26, 2005
12:51 am
Avatar
I C Gold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Just Lost, Oh my goodness, you are living my life..I have been and am still going thru all of that. I knew something was up about 6 months ago, just couldn't prove anything and of course he had ALL the right answers for anything I accused he and she of. Her being his boss made it easy for them to be "in contact". Mine actually went to meet her parents this past weekend, with our daughter but refuses to let me meet the woman who's going to be a part of her life because he doesn't trust MY emotions..which may be true right now!
We will survive this,
Take care,

July 26, 2005
1:02 am
Avatar
Just Lost
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

one way or another we will. I just talked to mine. She at least admitted that she had just left his house. But she is still in denial about what she is doing with him. She doesn't want to be judged about it. For all us 'normal' people, isn't that a clue that what she is doing is wrong? Because she is in denial, doesn't want to be judged, and has to keep it a secret?

Any way, go to a CoDA meeting. Same as AA but a little different.

July 26, 2005
7:57 am
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Gold
Oh I feel so badly for you....He is walking all over you...why on earth was he in your house for dinner?! He is your HUSBAND and is with another woman- are you really ok with that?

kc

July 26, 2005
1:38 pm
Avatar
I C Gold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I guess him coming over for dinner is a way to have some normalacy for our daughter? She can see that Mama and Daddy can be friends even if they aren't married. He says he wants to remain "friends" yeah, I picture me, him and the other all having tea and cookies at their house-NOT!!
He's left me and gone to her and I have to accept that but I DON'T have to like it...
I read and reread my chapter on detatchment last night, am going to go and read it again until it sinks in.
JL:Mine won't even admit they are dating, lets see, he's stayed till 3am one night, 5 am the other night, went to meet her parents, they have dinner at least 2 times a week, they work together, talk on the phone constantly-hmmmm sounds like dating to me! anybody else think so? or am I just being petty? I told him you can't date at 37 with 3 kids(between them) like you could when you were single and in your 20's...

July 27, 2005
10:50 am
Avatar
kc30
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Good morning I C Gold

How are you feeling today?

If you are spending time alone with him and your daughter because you think it's best for her...I have good news for you. It isn't!! You don't have to feel guilty about NOT doing it!

I have seen a child psychologist and attended a parenting seminar for parents going through separation and divorce, and the expert opinion is that it is very confusing for children to see their parents who are divorcing still doing things together. It's easier for children if the message is consistent...mommy and daddy are not going to be married anymore, and this is the way it will be now. NO, they don't like it, but it keeps them from harbouring false hope about a reconciliation, which they will every time they see their parents together.

My stbx used to try and get me to do things with him and the kids, and I was instinctively against the idea. Then we both attended the sessions and that was that! He backed off and we've made it very clear to our children that we have separate lives now. It was hard because my little girl was very upset. But my goodness those little people bounce back quickly!

I don't consider my stbx husband a friend. I am always polite, respectful and courteous, but friends? No way. It's not necessary to "show" your daughter that you guys are friends. Just by being polite and not fighting in front of her or putting each other down, you are showing her that you can get along well enough for her needs to be met, and she won't feel compelled to take sides.

sounds like you've been keeping a pretty close eye on his behaviour. I also did this when my husband refused to admit he was having an affair. But, just like you, I knew it deep inside. Give yourself a wonderful gift starting today...trust your instincts. You know damn well he's having an affair. He won't admit it but you know the truth and that's all you need.

Stop checking up on him or monitoring his behaviour. It will only prolong your pain. Let him go. Who cares where he is or what he's doing anymore. He's not your partner anymore. He has left and you need all of your attention so that you can deal with the awfulness of it all.

The best gift you can give to your little girl is to model healthy behaviour...show her how to behave through example. This always pulled me through the crazy obsessing days....knowing if I didn't get it together, my daughter would grow up thinking that the way her father treated me was ok, and would end up marrying a man who would treat her the same way.

So no way! If I want my daughter to respect herself, I have to teach her how, which means I have to learn how to respect myself.

The first step for me was cutting my husband out of my life. We speak weekly about the children, and do neutral location exchanged, but NOTHING personal. EVER. I don't want to know what he's doing, and I don't want him to know what I'm doing.

You will stay in a total state of emotional upheaval the longer you allow him into your home and your head.

Does any of this make any sense to you?

kc

July 27, 2005
10:56 am
Avatar
SexySadie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Here Here!!! I second KC once again!!

When I divorced my ex after 15yrs...I had tried to keep things together for my daughter who was 10 at the time. I thought I was doing HER a favor...but when it was all said and done, she knew that it was the right thing. He was not a very good husband and even a worse father to her. We've been in and out of court over the past 5yrs for CS. He lives 5 miles away and yet NEVER sees her unless he has nothing else to do. He has a new GF now who just left her husband for him...and she has a little girl. Thank goodness for her because she is forcing my ex to spend time with our daughter. So now she sees him about every two weeks for a few hours...its a start. She no longer looks forward to their visits because he's cancelled so many times in the past. If he shows up fine...They are smart...I read her emails to her friends who are going through this now and she is sooo wise over this. I know without a doubt I did the right thing now.

He and I are friends now. We do make much better friends that we did spouses. He was just not the marrying type and I think he accepts that now.

July 28, 2005
3:50 pm
Avatar
I C Gold
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Kc...WOW what a lot to asborb! I may cut out your note and paste it to my bathroom mirror or my forehead-LOL
I really do see what you are saying and I don't want my daughter hurt or bothered any more by this than she's already been thru. I posted a new thread-check it out. It's titled
"I did it, I did it,!!"
Thanks for the support and comfort. Between these pages and my co-dependent books, I JUST MIGHT make it thru this intact..

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
28
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714258
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information