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opinions please.....
November 7, 2003
1:32 pm
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sixfootblonde
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ok. So I realize I have a tendency to be self absorbed at times. I don't want to be like that. I just don't know how to change my feelings. Case in point.....

I have a dear friend. We are together for much of the evening and night two nights a week for our volunteer work. We are partners. We have lately been going thru a tough patch, brought on by a number of things. Rumors, and the fact that we were so close (this is a guy by the way.) We began to be leery of each other's behavior due to the things being said of us. As in, are they right? Does he....does she....

We worked thru that. We then had a large disagreement where we were on messenger when I was at work and he decided to get some things off his chest. He basically said that he has such fun with me, he often feels he has to back down on his true opinions and just agree with mine or he feels he wouldn't be cool enuff for me to hang out with him. (That's a direct quote.) He was pretty bitter about it, and the bitterness threw me. I was more concerned with making amends and validated his feelings, assuring him I actually admire strong willed people and that he should not feel that he can't be himself. Ok. Everything was smoothed over.

Later in the day, the more I thought about his words and the manner in which he presented them, the angrier I became. He was pretty hurtful with the way he worded it, pretty personal. I emailed him, directly quoting his words and once again affirming how his opinion mattered to me, but that the way he said it hurt. Because it did. He attempted to call me twice that night and to just distance myself in my anger I avoided the calls. I can usually calm down if I go away by myself and "get over it." So we did connect later that night, on messenger again, and thru an email and worked things out. He explained what he meant and the way I'd taken the wording wasn't what he'd meant to say. We ended up affirming our friendship and all was great again.

Last night we are oncall again. Had supper out and a nice easy time. Went back to where we are oncall and were going to watch Survivor (we are addicts.) This other (younger) girl who is also on our squad was there. He used to tease me that I was jealous of her, as they are also friends. I'm not. But after a month or two of him trying to make me jealous, I am beginning to get annoyed at the whole topic. It assumes things that aren't so, this assumption that I would be jealous of her. Honest to God I never was. She is heavier than I and she's homely. A good kid but no one I would ever consider a threat, were I in a situation to have anything to be threatened of losing.

So. Last night. She's there. They go and start this project together and I am left to amuse myself for the next hour and a half. I announced at that point you know, see ya guys I'm gonna head home. He comes outside and says to give him a call if I have any car problems, he will come get me. (My car is being a butt lately.) I inform him (more snippily than I intended) I don't need his help I'm fine. I go home.

This is still rankling on me today. Let me be upfront here and say this guy has a wonderful soul. He is pretty neat and we usually can get along really easily. But as far as attractions go or anything, he is not my type, he's too heavy and too bullheaded. I have been puzzling over why I felt so ticked off last night. I felt leftout. I felt angry because the two of us always do things together. I felt angry that I was left to cool my heels. I didn't like that feeling. (I am aware this sounds pretty crappy and wah wah but I need to get this out and get some feedback.) I didn't like that I felt this way at all. I am not used to being left out. I am also confused at how this got to me. My husband and I are doing so well. I am fine there. I just don't understand why this is under my skin so bad, other than I am a spoiled little brat who needs to be the center of attention. I don't want to be that way. I don't want this to bother me. I want to be ok with not always being the one in the center. I want to understand why I feel I have to be. I want to change and I want to be able to relate to men differently than I do. My dad called me the princess. He treated me like a queen and I was his little blondie. To this day I am a laughing mild flirt to guys and I thrive on the attention I get from them. That is so sad to even write but it's the truth. Why then do I care when this chubby friend of mine spends an hour and a half with a homely girl when he and I are so close anyway that I don't doubt his friendship? Am I really that shallow that I need to see the reflection of my image in others' eyes all the time? ARGGHHH!

I don't want to feel this way. How do I stop? Because as I write this, I'm sitting here smarting at the memory of last night. I feel hurt and left out still! Why? This is so stupid, and no I'm not going to bug him with it. We just worked out the last mess. I am just miserable over this and I do realize it's my problem, whatever it might be.

Help!

November 7, 2003
1:53 pm
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artist 2
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Could it be you distanced yourself, then you felt left out? It's ok if you felt left out. No one likes to be alone, necessarily. Maybe you were sorry about the distancing part, then couldn't get back to the friendship as soon as you wanted. Are you accepting that you did drive him away?

November 7, 2003
2:27 pm
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sixfootblonde
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You mean when I distanced myself the day before? I don't know that this had anything to do with that, as we were ok last night prior to her appearance in our night. I'm at a loss....

I wonder if he's not trying to prove a point regarding his comment of not always wanting to do what I say or do, like if I wanted to spend time with him I should've went and joined them rather than waiting for him to come find me? ARGHGGGHHHHH!

November 7, 2003
2:42 pm
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unhappy camper
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If you think he is playing head games with you, that would piss you off. Is he? He seems to want to be the centre of attention and is playing a 3 way game now.

Be a sister to him and don't sweat it. He only a work collegue after all. Showing one and all that his activities don't matter to you at all, because the don't, will fix it.

Enjoy his friendship to a point, but don't let him become so important to you. Is he married too? Is she?

Maybe you are trying to win over someone who you really don't want just for the challenge of it? A game of sport. LOL ???

November 7, 2003
2:49 pm
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sixfootblonde
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I sometimes wonder if he's trying to play the two of us against each other. Which is annoying to me. On the other hand he is such a honestly good person I feel bad for thinking that. It would be just like him to try to be equal to both of us, which would then be my fault for being bent out of shape for lack of attention to me.

He is dear to me but we've become pretty close and I think that was pretty unhealthy. I think it strained our relationship. But now trying to find a healthy distance feels sad somehow.

Neither of them are married.

November 7, 2003
3:04 pm
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unhappy camper
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You are looking for intimacy. It's hard to keep things hot and fresh in a marriage. Perhaps you can nuture that intimacy need with your husband by just telling him you want some loving and fuss. They are usually reticent in that area and a request would most likely be honoured.

Rekindle some romance and it helps you both. Not just sex, but romance. Love notes, surprise lunches.....

Or am I all wrong about this? I certainly may be.

November 7, 2003
3:08 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Oh wow no. We are actually trying our hand at babymaking right now and feeling like teenagers again! *dirty grin*

This buddy of mine is going thru a really stressful union deal/unfair labor practice at work and getting the unfair end of the stick. Local media is even picking up on the story. He's leaned on me a lot during this, I've been a big supporter of his and we bonded a lot over it. I think it's made both of us uneasy now on how to back up but not hurt one another in the process.

I give up....

November 7, 2003
3:10 pm
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Ladeska
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I don't know that he's really putting as much brain energy into all this like you might think he's doing.

He probably just reads you pretty well here. Likes you and all that but also knows that you are a bit of a princess, used to being the center of attention and somewhat spoiled. I don't know that he's trying to break you of the habit by just doing whatever with her over you but - even if it was a "lesson" of his to you - it's a good one.

I think it bothers you because - in your mind - it's still set in stone that a major part of your power or self worth as a person is about - being able to control the situation like this and have the attention come back to you at some point and/ or to stay there or to be preferred over someone else. And basically until that belief in your own mind gets undone by you - not much is going to change here.

You can hate a behavior in yourself but as always - do you hate it enough to really face what it's made up of and where it comes from in yourself? That's always the bitter little pill.

It's like - well she's homely and I'm not so - therefore - WHY would anyone choose to be around her - over me? By even stating that or asking it - you're already disrespecting her - AND yourself. Because for one - you're making it all about - the looks, the outer shell of both of you. And as you know - there is quite a bit more going on with a person that what they look like on the outside. But you've been taught to concentrate on that and you've been rewarded based on that by being loved and spoiled.

I think what you may be reacting to more than anything is - "that".... I see you as a person who is exploring some things here in herself, even though it's painful but it requires looking at yourself in a light that's a bit uncomfortable. You liked being spoiled, you liked being told you were pretty, a princess, etc. But I think you also know how very shallow that is and how if your self esteem was largely based on that and about that - then.......what about the other parts of you? What about the inside? What about this girl's insides? What about her character, her heart, her loveliness that someone might want to actually be around and prefer over you sometimes? Isn't that okay?

But you've been taught and conditioned to actually believe that.......No, this isn't okay. All attention must come back to me or else. Otherwise, I'm not the princess anymore..... What "if" you hadn't been born with looks, SFB - do you think that your father would have loved you the same? I mean really answer that one. What if? He wouldn't be saying the same things because - they wouldn't be true. What if you were born very ugly even. Do you think that he would still spoil you like he did? And if not. Then maybe that is something that needs confronting in your own mind here about where your self worth really came from or a great deal of it and what it was based upon.

I think you are struggling to replace the old with the new but afraid to leave.......the old behind.....because it has so much power in it and is so easy to you.

I mean if you were to get into a car accident tom. and be disfigured for life, who would SFB "be" then? What would all this really mean then - to you? All the superficial stuff? You'd have to approach people on a whole new level of interaction and the other would be completely out of the loop for you. The funny thing about all that is - it's not something to necessarily be afraid of because.........there's a depth there that you don't get to - when it's all about vanity. We miss so much when we just swim in the shallow pond. I look at the Elephant Man for example and I'd have to say - he was an extremely beautiful man because - what shone from his soul was unmistakeably brilliant.

I can remember growing up and being the really ugly duckling and being made fun of quite a bit. My father, as part of my abuse - actually deliberately did everything in his power to make me look ugly, from dressing me funny and in horrible clothes or hacking off my hair or whatever. So when I went to college, I had no idea that I was pretty. It just didn't enter my mind. And when the boys swarmed me I was actually afraid at first. It was like - what do you want? Go away, leave me alone! I was afraid it was a trick or a trap. But then, I could be the way I wanted, dress how I pleased or whatever and just be myself. But it was funny........I had sat back and watched all the princess types all through school and like a quiet kitty cat on the mantle, I just observed.. And I saw nothing I ever wanted to aspire to. I saw it for what it all was. It was such a drug and quick fix for a very immature ego that never seemed to grow up. Therefore as they got older - the more of it they had to have and the more desperate and nasty they got. Their beauty quickly faded to me. I saw them as quite ugly, real fast.

And yea okay whatever - it was nice to be considered "pretty" at some point. I liked it, enjoyed it, still do, blah, blah. But it's not what I'm all about. I really don't care that much because I was just as pretty when they said I was ugly.....know what I mean here? I was pretty - back then....but they didn't "see".

And now that I look back on who those people were that didn't and what kind of character they have and what they did with their lives and to others - it would have been an insult to me - for them to have approved of me on any level.

You have to get beneath your own skin, SFB before you are ever really going to connect with someone else on the level that you actually crave to. But you may have to confront some things that you have been led to believe and that may hurt. Sometimes we are taught a certain kind of entitlement from the cradle up and those who teach us such, wrapped up in love - isn't always so loving.... we have to unlearn those things sometimes. We have to become responsible for how that is active in our lives and if it's a good thing or not?

I see you wanting to grow at this point. But like I said - do you want to grow "enough" to really let the light of introspection really, really do it's work? Or do you want to feign a lame hearted attempt at it and just move on eventually?

I've seen your beauty on here, btw and it has nothing to do with what you look like. (smile)

November 7, 2003
4:25 pm
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sixfootblonde
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When I was little I was little cutie. In my middle school years I was awkward, too tall, etc. My Dad always unconditionally loved me. He made me feel like I was the most important person in the world, not for my looks for my brains, my guts etc etc. He made me feel like no matter what I did he would still think I was the greatest thing in the world. I think Ladeska, that is why I expect it. I can make this make sense in my head. Most of what you said was right on. Except the part about my dad, that wasn't quite right, that he loved me for my looks. No.

But I do agree that's where it started. I compare every man to him in my head and glow in the attention, like I glowed around my dad. If I don't get it I take it personally. I do want to change. I give a lot to people, I help others and care so much about people and volunteer a great deal. For nothing, just because I like to. One might say that's my control issue coming out, because to help others gives me control. I don't want you all to think I'm stuck up. I'm not. I just feel left out easily and so have always been the clown, etc for that attention. I always got it, and I want to learn how to not expect it. I am looking at myself pretty harsh here. I realize I need to.

I think you're right also Ladeska, he's prob just as a loving friend silently calling me on my complex so I can get over it. We've talked about this very issue, so he's aware. This is the crux of the matter: I know it, he knows it, I just don't know how to change. I don't want to feel like that. I am so much more than that. But how do I stop feeling hurt or left out if I'm not included? The stupid thing is that the more I think about this, I know if I'd joined them they'd have loved to have me, we all get along. But me being me, I sat and waited for them to come and include me. How stupid! God! I need to learn to overcome these feelings. I recognize them lately, I need to stop. It's not like you can just not feel what you've always felt tho.

My head hurts.....

November 7, 2003
4:34 pm
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tooscared
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Hugs to you SFB. I admire the confidence that you have in yourself. To hear you describe yourself in looks and abilities make me wish I could be more like you in those areas of self-confidence.

It is hard though when we see things in ourselves that we don't like or that we want to change. But I think that self reflection is a part of maturing as we get older and we begin to realize that things we used to think were important don't seem to matter as much.

A lot of us are at a point in our lives where we just need to be real with other people and real with ourselves. Try to be as loving to yourself as you are with those around you. You are willing to lend a hand and to cheer someone up without even a thought, but you need to be kind to yourself as well.

You are right that it is hard to just not feel what you have always felt, but I am learning that you can start to change that tape in your head that is telling you wrong things. The first step is recognizing that your thoughts need to change and then you slowly work on ways to change them. That is what you are doing here and although it is painful, you are growing and learning more about yourself through it.

November 7, 2003
4:42 pm
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mj
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Wow...great imput SFB.

I have always felt insecure. I have always relied on exterior approval.
When I don't get it.....it spins me.

Hugs dear friend....I love you unconditionally just because of who you are....through your words. YOU Rock 🙂

November 7, 2003
4:44 pm
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mj
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Oh By the way, SFB and I are sharing our first anniversary of friendship here at the AAC. I am blessed with your friendship dear SFB. Thanks for being YOU, even if you are self-involved like me 😉

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