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Open Heart
August 17, 2009
6:57 pm
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AliDove
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September 24, 2010
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Recently, I have undergone an extreme transitional period and perhaps by chance came across this site, as if to offer a glimmer of hope amongst a time where I seem to be holding onto very little. I am twenty two years old and lost my mother to an accidental overdose (pharmaceutical) on September 29, 2007. The horrors of that day have yet to escape me. She is survived by me, my younger brother (17), my older sister (29), her husband (47), and her beloved grandchildren (one of which is only six and experiences severe panic attacks since her great loss).

I've always felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility for the feelings of the people who encompass my life and for a long time allowed it to destroy me from the inside out, mistaking it as a gift to care so much when in actuality, I had been losing myself entirely. When my mom died, a huge part of my dad (my hero in life), did too. I felt an immense amount of pain for him, unable to function unless by some chance he could too. My boyfriend at the time, as supportive as they come, simply wasn't enough. Sex was out of the question, or any other kind of affection for that matter. I couldn't justify feeling any degree of pleasure knowing my dad was home, curled up, sick to his stomach, night after night, crying, alone. I couldn't imagine the agony, yet I could, because I forced it upon myself. I took on way more then just a daughter coping with the loss of her mother. That day I lost my wife, my mother, my sister, and my grandmother... if you can try to understand how heavy the weight... eventually I grew numb to caring at all. By this point, I had truly lost my way.

This is my most recent issue in collaboration with the codependency struggles I have had since I was a young girl. I have always entertained a relationship and have always failed to be successful in them. Although I resisted against the fact I was undeniably dependent on each guy I became involved with, throughout my young years, it has taken a few severe heartbreaks and the death of my own mother to open my eyes to the root of the problem. Fear. And codependency.

I am once again in a relationship that is beginning to fail and I am fearful I have created a dysfunctional pattern. In most cases, I assume responsibility for the person I am involved with, including financial and emotional burdens. Although the guys I date are seemingly good hearted people, because of my tendency to be SO giving, I feel like eventually they begin to take advantage of the "hand out".

My current boyfriend has been out of work since we started dating five months ago and do to the complications festering at my dad's house over the past few years, when offered the opportunity to move out with him (because he could "take care of me"), I jumped on it not taking into consideration the trials that would come along with such a hasty decision...

As months have passed, I have convinced myself that I am receiving empty promises regarding when circumstances will change, and although I have been less lenient than in previous relationships, I feel that the insults and guilt that I bestow upon my boyfriend are not appropriate or helpful. I initiate a conversation daily which in turn results in a hefty argument where nothing is accomplished. He assures me that he is doing the best he can and has recently landed a position within a police department in another state (which will not be final until September). If this does not also fall through, I feel it could present an opportunity for growth in our relationship. However, if this results in another empty avenue, what is my next step? How do I distance myself to allow growth in our individual lives without feeling like I am taking a huge step backward?

He is no doubt, at this point, anchoring my life, as most of the guys I date do... but ultimately, I am fearful of the unknown and wonder if I am providing excuses for him so that I don't have to be alone or if I am actually the downfall of my relationship...

The more I think, the more confused I become...

Of course I did not disclose every detail about the situation, that would take a lot of time... but I felt like I needed to get the majority out in the open, write it down for I have not shared most of this with anyone... Thanks for listening guys... truly.

August 18, 2009
12:18 pm
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atalose
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September 24, 2010
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Ali,

Welcome, I am so very sorry for your loss. I think you are a strong 22 year old woman and it’s very courageous that you want to branch out and discover yourself and unwind the codependency traits in your life. I have no doubt that your mom would be very proud of you!!

What you are discovering today is what so many of us here have discovered much later in life. Wow if only I was as insightful at 22 as you are today my life could have been so much happier. The opportunities you have before you, your willingness to understand and discover other ways – healthier ways to approach life is inspiring and enlightening. Imagine if everyone suffering with codependency had the awareness earlier in life how greater the chances for true meaningful happiness there would be for them.

If this situation for employment for BF comes true and he needs to move to another state what a great opportunity for you to discover you while alone per say. Take your time while he gets himself established in a new career and HIS own apartment or home. Allow him to prove his sense of responsibility of making it on his own before making it together. The both of you could use this as a great growing experience.

Glad you found us, hope you keep posting.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

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