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Oops needs reinforcements...
July 2, 2009
9:45 am
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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hit my breaking point last night as i sat crying yet again over the people in my life and the stress and drama i have allowed them to stir up. I finally said..no more..i can't keep doing this to myself. Yes I am a kind,caring, considerate person...but if I lose my soul and spirit..then what good am i really to anyone? The codie in me puts up with way more crap than I should and there has to be a point where i say..no more!

Long story short..my online g/f broke up with me..basically her insecurity caused her to accuse me of things that weren't true and instead of her coming to me with it..she just accused and walked away. Now she is wanting ME to beg her to come back etc...and umm..that is just not gonna happen. I do love her..but somewhere along the line..I lost myself and that is not acceptable. I have met others who teach me daily that I do deserve more and that it is possible to even receive that. So that is my focus now.

I have a tendency to fall victim to feeling sorry for others and trying to make sure that they are alright at the expense of myself. So that is where i need my friends on here to help give me the strength i need to stay strong and know its NOT selfish to take care of yourself!! I'll give more details but i am on a limited time schedule right now. thanks guys for all your words that always encourage me.

in honor of MJ...if you wanna make the world a better place take a look at yourself and make that change! thats what i am doing today..with your help. xoxo

July 2, 2009
11:00 am
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tryingtoheal..
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Hey Oops,
You are absolutely right. you need to put your self first and take care of your self other wise you can't help or be there for other people if you have lost yourself.

you are doing the right thing by not chasing after her. you didn't do anything wrong so you aren't the one who has to try to fix things.
you are nottttttt being selfish AT ALL! you do deserve better.
take care,
T2H

July 2, 2009
11:04 am
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CAMER
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hi oops...i agree, not chasing is the best thing, see you are learning!!

May I ask how long you and your gf were going out, and since it was online, was it a long distance relationship?

(((camer)))

July 2, 2009
12:10 pm
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PaleBlueSky
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hi oops,

I agree don't chase her, let her feel what she has done by just accusing and walking away from you.

Sometimes we need to keep our distance and stay away and let some time go by and let the other person brew in it for while, since they acted as the did.

I have the same fault of usually putting everyone else first before myself, but I am now saying no more - it is okay to be selfish in this thing we call life (most people are who have come my way) I lost myself and am now trying to find myself again - not an easy thing to do.

Be strong and let some time go by, she will probably call looking to see why you haven't chased her to plead your case, not that there is anything to explain - you didn't do anything wrong. Let her calm down. If you don't mind me asking what did she accuse you of?

Good luck, be strong and keep posting

July 2, 2009
2:30 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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thanks so much guys..keep it coming..the more I can get the better. I haven't "seen" her since i've decided to take this stance so I am hoping I can still remain strong once i do.

@Camer....we were together almost a year...i know i know..i looked the other way for a lot of her behaviors and lack of forward movement..yes it was long distance and seeing she is in another country..though not that far..still we never made concrete plans to meet up. Not by my choice tho.

@PaleBlueSky...she accused me of cheating...though named noone or any details..i think it was just a ploy to push me away because she was feeling insecure..makes no logical sense i know..but..

July 2, 2009
5:00 pm
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atalose
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Oops,

Is it my understanding that this girl was only an on line person and that in the year you remained involved with her you never met her in person?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 2, 2009
6:46 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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atalose...you are correct...i have met many of my best friends online..so i know that its possible to meet sane and great people that way..but in this case...she was in no hurry to push the issue and I guess i let her get away with that.

July 2, 2009
10:57 pm
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atalose
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OK, have you met these best friends in person that you have met on line?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 3, 2009
4:11 am
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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lol atalose...I don't live in Mister Roger's Neighborhood in the land of Make Believe all the time if that is what you are wondering. YES i have met the best friends..we live in different states and frequently visit..have taken trips together etc...I was just saying that I know that online relationships can be real.

Just wanted support because i know that some days i feel like i can conquer the world and other days..i succumb to people's guilt and worrying bout taking care of them at the cost of me.

July 3, 2009
11:05 am
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ilojocuer
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Oops,

If someone's hurt you, then they pull themselves away from you. But then they want you to come back to them, how many times will it go on? I'm dealing with something similar with an ex-boyfriend I have. The Codie in Me wants to sacrifice myself to take care of him, but one must take care of him/herself before they can truly take care of others.

This community is a wonderful place to find strength and compassion when we need it. Stay strong and stick to what you think is healthiest for you. Taking care of yourself is not selfish. ^_^

-Ilo

July 3, 2009
5:38 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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ty ilojocuer for your kind words..and if you need support..you can always look to me to understand what you are going thru.

quick update..I got into a fight with her yet again today..she was starting her accusations and her guilt..about I left her and that I wouldnt beg her to come back etc...and guess what...I finally got the nerve to say my peace and up and walk away...normally i stay and try to "fix" it..but I knew for my own sanity..i needed to get out of the situation and take care of myself. It was very enpowering to know that even though it was a painful decision..it is the right choice to take care of myself. I went for a walk..cleared my head and got back on solid ground.

I know she needs more help than i can give her. It is her job to take care of her and me of me. My yo-yo days are over. Thanks everyone for the encouragement and lets keep it up.

July 3, 2009
5:48 pm
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atalose
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Oops,

LOL just checking!!!

I hear on the some days conquering the world and other days succumbing to it..

That good old guilt gets us all the time. Years ago someone once told me that guilt is a horrible weapon used to manipulate us some the other person gets their way. Then they asked me if I would stand still and take being hit with a bat still feeling sorry for that person. Both are weapons used against us, period.

Maybe it also has to do with her being a girl and you being a guy who became intrigued by her so you allow yourself to get conquered at times.

What ever HER reasons are for that behavior really doesn’t matter what matters is YOU learning and understanding it’s not healthy behavior on both your parts. Can’t do much about her so focus on YOUR PART and stop participating.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 5, 2009
9:12 am
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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@atalose...ummm..who ever said that I was a male?? *Smiles* its ok..natural assumption.

I have to admit..the guilt feelings are kinda getting to me the last few days. I know that 9 out of 10 days she would ignore me and make me feel like less than i deserve..but my stupid brain keeps thinking bout that 10th day! ugh! She has never wanted to open up and always held me at arms length...and I have been totally understanding about that..but after this amount of time..even the most shy cautious person would let go. She claims to "trust me with her life" so what does she have to hide? She's not a rational person in any of her dealings with me or others..and i need to keep reminding myself of these things. My brain is 100% there..my heart just is gonna need some time to heal.

Just keep reminding me guys that i deserve the best...i know its true..i just need to listen to that still small voice more often.

July 5, 2009
9:57 am
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Lanigirl
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Hey Oops,

Sounds dramatic. I got hooked into the drama over and over again. I keep remembering "Actions speak louder than words". Despite her saying she trusts you with her life, she doesn't act that way as you pointed out.

Ilo,

Well put. There is only a push and pull game if you play. I definitely got tired of playing but I still went back. I find myself getting caught in it, even when I don't want what's being offered.

July 5, 2009
8:31 pm
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atalose
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Oops,

So sorry about that, yes an assumption, I need to work on that!!!!

But it does open up other thoughts I have, is it possible she is scared of her sexuality to meet you in person? Talking a good game but never really going out on the field?

Either way yes you do certainly deserve more then she has or can or will offer to you right now.

And just for the record, its usually that 10th day that does do us in and all we end up with is regrets.

Hang in there and keep posting.

The heart and head will meet some where in the middle and yes you will be able to move on. You deserve someone REAL in your life, someone you can actually share life with other then just on a computer.

((Oops))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 6, 2009
5:55 pm
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Hey there Oops!

I was told by a friend that intermittent reinforcement has a very powerful effect. Since the reward/reinforcement is not consistent, it keeps us guessing what we're doing right, and what we're doing wrong, instead of feeling assured and confident.

I am trying to disengage from a woman who has that effect on me.

She seemed very interested in me. We only had 5 dates, and it seemed as if once I became interested back, she started keeping me at arm's length. She is very intelligent, seems to communicate very well, is playful and funny...seemed healthy and well-grounded. Which explains my developing interest in her. We have since agreed to be friends and even that seems to be difficult...inconsistent. I can't express myself the way I am used to with others...openly and freely.

I know this is more about me than about her. There's nothing I can do to understand her actions or motivations. My friends LOVE me for who I am. I feel I can express myself and feel great energy around me. But when I am around her, I find myself feeling inadequate, suppressed, feeling bad about myself.

My brain knows I need to get over myself, and let her go, but it's hard to know how to do this. I feel I am functioning at half my energy load. I am hanging in there, trying to learn what I can about myself. Soon, soon, soon...I will not let her occupy my brain and my heart.

July 8, 2009
1:30 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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((((((((((nwsunshine)))))))))) hang in there! I know the feeling of vulnerability and like you are being controlled..but they can only control us if we allow them to..and that is something i am desperately working at.

i think i need atalose or somebody to give me a butt kicking today. I am feeling so weak and vulnerable. I know i can't be rational with her..yet i try and she somehow is making me feel like I am the odd one out..amongst my own friends etc...how does she manage that? Sometimes i dont feel strong enough to fight this by myself..i just want to give in and just crawl back to her....and i feel so alone lately..no friends to help lift me up when i need it..i know they love me..but not one of them has been there for me to talk to or lean on. Yes i know i have to handle most of this myself...but having a little backup doesnt hurt.

enough whining...no one is gonna do this for me..as much as i love her..i have to let her go..its not healthy for either of us and i really dont think she is ever gonna change or even try..so i have to be the one to. thanks for letting me vent

July 8, 2009
3:31 pm
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atalose
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Oops,

Kick, Kick, Kick……..LOL How about a big hug instead ((Oops))

No being rational with an un-rational person can be like mixing oil and water. I think you are on to something with the knowing this is not healthy for you.

Is she apart of your group of friends? Does she also talk and make contact with them?

Have you tried reaching out to your friends for support? Are these your internet friends? How about planning a get away with them, I know you said you do at times get together, now may be a good time to plan something like that.

I think we often feel like just heading backwards to make things easy and go away, problem is they only temporarily go away then it’s all right back in our faces again.

I do feel your best choice would be to stop all contact with her, at right now. Something to think about. What do you think holds you back form just letting her go?

((Oops))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 10, 2009
4:43 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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okkkkkkkkey dokey...so atalose....no sooner did you ask the questions to me..than did all of them come flying right at me.

I got sucked into trying to have a rational conversation with her about the state of our relationship..etc etc due to a friends urging. Well trying to rationalize with a irrational person is like trying to catch the wind. it's insanity. She would avoid any tough serious question i would ask by playing the guilt card. I think she was shocked by my strength and that i wasn't willing to back down on things..but yet...at the end of the conversation..in her mind..we were back together...UGH. I made the mistake of saying i loved her..because i do..but i dont want to reunite...

so maybe it was a good thing..because it showed me that I need to cut ties. I can't do this merry go round anymore. I can't keep doing the same shit and expecting different results. it's not a stable environment..and even if its good for a day or two..it will ultimately go back to where it was. And i deserve more. I demand more! She isnt willing to look inside to change..but i am..and i must for my survival.

so atalose...keep hugging or kicking..but dont give up on me..somehow i am gonna figure this out and be better for it.

to everyone else..thank you and keep up the support..we all deserve better!!

July 11, 2009
10:53 am
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bonni
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(((OOOPs!)))
Sorry I didn't see your thread til now. Sounds like you are getting great support.

You definitely deserve to be treated better. And you are smart to trust your gut on this. Is this the same person you were involved with who was overseas? If so, then its doubly hard to let go because of how long you've been together and because of what you've been through together.

I understand that.

bonni

July 13, 2009
2:58 pm
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atalose
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Oops,

What’s been going on in your world these days? How are you doing with those changes going on inside of you?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 14, 2009
9:43 am
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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((((bonni)))) thanks for the support. Nope this is not the same girl..although i am still friends with her there is far less drama in that relationship now after all she went thru over in Iraq etc...a whole nother situation i had to learn to let go of.

atalose..I am doing pretty good. Maybe i am going about it in the chickening out kinda way..but i am trying to have no contact for awhile. I know things are smoothed over between us but thats just the thing..she misinterpreted my forgiving her as an agreement to get back together which i NEVER said. So rather than go around the merry go round of guilt and drama and trying to rationalize with someone who is gonna only hear what they want to hear..i am staying away. The lack of stress from it is quite enjoyable actually. I do miss her and can't help but feel bad at times that I am being this distant...but i need to do it for me.

Relationships are hard..online..even harder...i've met a few new friends but trying to figure out motives and trusting etc is such a hard thing. Happy to have new healthy relationships...but the stronger i get..the less i will need to care. Not trying to become an uncaring loner..but definately need to place the focus on me for awhile.

July 14, 2009
12:45 pm
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atalose
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Oops,

Do you enjoy walking on egg shells? Do you want just moments of stress free and a little joy or do you want that all the time for yourself?

If she believes you are back together then it is only a madder of time before the ride begins again, is that what you want?

Which ride makes you the sickest; the merry go around of guilt or the ride of drama and chaos?

We can always work through guilt, because most of time we assume to take the load of guilt when it is not Ares to own.

Avoidance is just another way to delay working on our feelings which may not be pleasant at times but isn’t this about you and your life and happiness?

((Oops))

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 17, 2009
5:13 pm
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OopsADaisyFuentes
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ok...today i did something that i think i needed to do for awhile regarding all of this...i have been trying to talk to her "face to face" with very poor results..she has tried everything from guilt to begging to manipulating etc...so i wrote a letter today. Explained all my feelings..the good bad and the ugly. Told her i didn't like the way we communicated and until or unless we could find a productive way..it just wasnt going to happen. I said that getting back together was not a good idea because we are both so far apart and on different pages etc..basically just released everything i needed to say and let it be...if or how she responds to that is NOT MY PROBLEM. I know that alot of people think i shoulda just cut ties a long time ago and be done with it..but for me..i had to make my own peace...i have now..have said things i've been wanting to say for a long time..and now she can do with all of this what she so chooses.

I miss her yes...because our heart sometimes can make you lose memory of any of the bad..but I know at the end of the day.its the best for the both of us at this time. I'll keep you guys updated on what comes next....

July 24, 2009
9:04 am
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bonni
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any update yet? I know this must be very hard to do. I hope all is well.
bonni

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