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one year anniv of finding my birth mom
February 10, 2001
2:35 pm
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flaggirl
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Last year on feb. 18th I met my birth mom for the first time. It has been slow since then, I don't think either of us really know what to do. I want to have a relationship with her, I love her so much. She has 2 other children and she is not sure how to tell them about me. In this situation and in others I find myself saying "If Only...I would be fine", if only I could see my bmom , if only I could have a good relationship with my aunt and uncle...If only I knew if my bmom loved me. I have started to realize that these "if onlys" don't work. I suffer from bouts of depression and anxiety/panic attacks. I don't know why, but everything turns back to "if only i had a relationship with my bmom", I feel like I would be perfectly fine then, but I suppose this is just wishful thinking. Maybe I should get myself some help first and then try to have the other things, that way I don't appear so needy.

February 11, 2001
9:13 am
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janes
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How good that you found her....at least you have a few questios answered. As a birth mom my oldest daughter found me when she was 20 and I was 37. The toughest thing I ever did (other than giving her up for adoption) was telling my other children whe were 12 and younger. We had good luck and my children accept her as a sister and she has become part of the family.

An adopted brother of my daughter had his birth parents find him...and HE has no interest in maintaining that relationship....and his birth parents had wanted him back after the adoption.

Not everyone has this good luck. In some cases birth mothers just cannot share the facts with other immeidate family members....

FAMILY feeling cannot be forced....have you ever had a friend who just "felt like family and others who were friends but just not that close.

Your birth mom is just a mortal human being she cannot solve your problems.
YOU have to do that....maybe with the help of your "real" parents who raised you.

Birth parents are just biological entities. There is a strong nature factor but nurture is also very important.

Take it slow ...cards and letters and just being open to a relationship without being pushy is my advice.

You many never be "admitted" into that family. . . to me that would be sad but you have to let others make their own choices.

It's a waiting game for you...but it may come.

Meanwhile cherish the life that she gave you. Find your own way which you will have to do anyway. REgardless of WHO rasies us there comes a time when we live our own lives separate from whomever parented us...

Enjoy the family that you have....

Hope this was helpful.

February 11, 2001
11:03 am
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flaggirl
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Janes,

recently she has started talking to me again. Once again I feel the strong urge to arrange to see her, but I feel I messed up the last time. She said the exact thing to me after she met me, that she cannot fix my problems. As I am feeling the urge to see her again, I'm trying to fight it because I don't know if I should see her or not. I feel like I need counseling and need to come to some point in my life where I feel that I can be whole without her. I think maybe I scared her away in a sense because I am so needy. Everyday I have this feeling that if only I could be with her I would be fine. But! Life is not that simple. I have a lot of other problems in my life, I found my father dead (suicide) when I was six, got molested by my mom's boyfriend when I was 8, had illicit sexual relations with a guy when I was only a child, and was emotionally and physically abused by my mom. Deep down I know that it is not right for me to burden my bmom with all this, that I need to fix myself, so that the relationship could be better. I am so thankful that we do get to talk. She said it would be alright for me to send a valentine's card and that it was ok for it to say to my ma. I always make sure to tell her I love her, because I would think that she likes to hear it. I think maybe for now this needs to be enough, until I work on myself, but how do I fight these urges of wanting to physically be with her?

February 14, 2001
8:17 pm
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janes
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You just fight them...Like the NIKE commericals say...Just do it...

Be strong ...but positive. IT IS better for you to understand that you need to fix you and it seems like you are headed that way.
Seek counsling. Noone...not even your birth mom...espicialyy not her can changed the terrible things that happened to you as a child.

You essentially have to "reparent" yourself.

If you can afford or find some reasonable counseling time DO IT!!!!!

If not get to a bookstore and sit yourself done in the self help section and READ READ READ READ. Teach yourslef some basic....keep coming here for support...(most of us aren't counselors tho')

IT IS fair fo burden a counselor or therapist with all of this...that is what they are trianed to hlep you handle.

MENTAL HEALTH systems in the US often work on an affordability scale...
Pastors, schools, (check university training prorams) may also offer cheap therapy.

But whatever the cost YOU are worth it.

The things that happened to you as a child are not your fault...how you USE those experiences (good and bad) are your responsibility.

With your birth mom just remember...TAKE it slow....start a journal that you keep just for you ...write it to your birth mom if you want....but write down everything!!!

Iwas totoally serious about the bookstore thing....there are S amany helpful books available...

books about abuse...you were aboused
book about adoption..you were adopted
Books about self esteem...yours might be low
etc etc etc.

but take it slow and easy with your birth mom...it is a scary thing to have you adopted kids pop up. We don't handle it well sometimes.

I am sure our friend Molly will be along with advice too.

I was away at a conference or I would have answered you sooner.

Hang in there honey...make YOU the best YOU you can be....all things are possible.

Love

j-

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