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One step forward, Two steps back!
May 23, 2005
9:06 am
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I am so confused! I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He has serious commitment issues (meaning he CAN'T commit). I have 2 children and desperately want to settle down with someone and be happy. HE, on the other hand "doesn't know what he wants". He says he loves me, but he's not sure he can commit to the whole family thing. He said he needed some time by himself to think things over. I went two weeks with no contact. He even called me on Mother's Day and I didn't answer the phone. I was so proud of myself. BUT... I broke down and called last Wednesday. We have talked every day since then. He even wanted to see me Saturday night. He wanted me to come over and go in his Hot Tub with him (as friends... yeah, right!). Anyway, I knew we would end up in bed together. I told him that I have come too far to go back now. That if we were going to be "together", it needed to be for the right reasons, so I didn't go. AGAIN, I was very proud of myself. Some of his friends saw me out Friday night. I was having a great time... mingling with all sorts of people and very happy. Well, he heard about it and I think he is jealous. I know that's probably why he is giving me so much attention now and I don't want to get my hopes up, but I can't help it. I love him. My daughter is 6 years old and has gotten really attached to his dog. "Grizzly" (the dog) has spent a lot of time with us over the past year and we love him a lot. My daughter misses him deeply and always asks when she can see him. Well, I told him that she misses the dog this weekend and he said "Well, you guys can have visitation with Grizzly"...So, I asked if he could spend a couple of days with us this week. He is going to be coming Tuesday and Wednesday night, which means I will see Jim (BF) for the first time in 3 weeks. I am so afraid of falling back into my co-dependent ways, when I have tried to be so strong!!!!!! I am having an internal battle right now. I'm trying not to get my hopes up about him, but I am really excited to see him again... and the sick part of me is "sure" that when he sees me again, he is going to realize how much he loves me and not want to be away from me one day longer! Like I said, sick!!!!! I hate this!!! I need support before I step too far back!!!!!!! Help!!

May 23, 2005
11:44 am
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revelation
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Hi TC...this one is all about your own personal values or "bounderies" and how much they really mean to you.
How much do you really want a commited relationship? Are you willing to forego this for this man? If so then go right on ahead and keep messing around with him. But, if commitment is what you want...and you are 99% sure that its not what he wants, then you need to leave him. You can't make him commit to you, no matter what you do or say, no matter how many games you play. That decision is one he'll come to independently and in his own time....and harsh as this sounds...there is a possibility he may never make that decision. You just don't know. So, this situation to me sounds unhealthy, and I think that you should stick to your values and go find what you need from someone else chick.

May 23, 2005
12:25 pm
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Ouch!!! You are right Revelation. This is why I like talking to you guys, beceause you tell it like it is, no matter how much it may hurt someone to hear the truth. In my heart of hearts, I know that he doesn't love me as much as I love him and that he probably never will... BUT there is still the hopeless romantic part of me that holds on to the idea that he is going to "see the light" and come running back to me (in slow motion with his arms open, like they do in the movies). I am really just kidding, but there is some truth in the fact that I am having a very hard time giving up the "hope". I guess I am not at the acceptance stage yet...but believe me... I AM trying. If I wasn't, I would have spent the entire weekend in bed with him (which I didn't).... so I guess I'm making baby steps...Thanks for the honesty.

TC

May 23, 2005
12:31 pm
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Rasputin
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Hey tc66,

Welcome to this board, since it's the 1st time I see your name here!

It is VERY FRUSTRATING when the man you love does not love us equally or has the same values (commitment etc) as we have. I have been in situation like that, and it hurt like hell. So, I can feel your pain and my heart goes out to you.

I would recommend you to strengthen your relationship with God/Higher Power. This is how I resisted the temptation of sin, in particular sex with someone on whom I had a crush and who just wanted to have sex with me with No commitment.

Now, in retrospect I consider myself VERT LUCKY for having resisted that man. It was NOT easy, believe me! It was ONLY the GRACE OF GOD that helped me not just to resist having sex with him, but also to forget him totally. Recently I found out that his is an emotionally unavailable man.

So, I would highly recommend you to re-connect spiritually. Purchase the book "Co-dependency No more" by: Melody Beattie. Take advantage of Coda meeting, they are free. To find out, check out: coda.org.

Also, why don't you join "No Contact Club" on this board. It will give you so much courage and support. The guys here are so warm, attentive and caring. Their encouragement stopped me from contacting my male friend whom I stopped calling several months ago, yet suddenly had the urge to contact him uncontrollably a few days ago. I really stopped missing him, entrusting the whole situation to my Creator in whom I TRUST with all my heart, cause I know He has my best interests at heart. I now know for sure, if my friend is the right guy, he will simply get in touch with me.

You are in my thoughts and prayers,

Rasputin

May 23, 2005
12:38 pm
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Thanks Rasputin... You are an inspiration to me. I can't wait to look back on this and say "I remember when..."too. But, when you are in the middle of it, it is so completely all consuming!!! I will pick up the book and I do have a very strong relationship with my God right now. That relationship has helped me get where I am now. Although it may not seem like I am not in a good "place"... I am much better than I was a month ago. I couldn't eat, sleep, cried all day, etc. Since then, I have relied on God, gone into therapy and started taking care of ME... so I guess I'm on the right track, but I still fear falling backward!!!!

May 23, 2005
12:44 pm
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Relapses are part of the healing process. Do Remember that it is a Process. So, it can be slow, gradual, even frustating as I mentioned in my previous post or baby steps. But do not be afraid. It is like that. Be proud and reward yourself with every small progress you make.

A wise man once said "A journey of One thousand miles starts with one step." So, you are taking this one single step righ now.

(((Hugs)))

May 23, 2005
2:35 pm
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kathygy
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Face reality. It doesn't sound like you are going to get what you want from this man. I have wasted many years on false hope. Its not worth it. There is no hope. So what if your daughter misses his dog? That's beside the point. It really dosen't weigh into the equation. Focus on what you do want and you will meet a man that can give it all to you. Non-committal men are a big waste of time and no amount of hoping is going to change that.

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