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One of my friends just told me that "married men are safe".
September 28, 2005
5:35 pm
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hippychick
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She knows what I am going through with my infidel of a husband, and yet she tells me that "married men are safe" and that she dated a married man for over two years. I was and still am shocked. I asked her if she realized what she was saying to me - her friend whose husband just had a seven month affair with a woman - and she said, Oh well, it's just the way it is." Is it?

September 28, 2005
5:37 pm
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artist 2
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NO that's not the way it is. Is she trying to justify her bad behavior?

September 28, 2005
5:53 pm
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mamacinnamon
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NO hippychick it is not the way it is supposed to be. Marriage is a commitment to be w/ one, not whomever. He was wrong and hurt you. I don't see how she is a friend w/ that attitude toward you. She is the kind of girl that takes away our lives, our hope and dreams, our one and only. I'd tell her where she can get off the bus.

September 28, 2005
5:57 pm
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22haha
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Hippy - i would tell her "well, it just isn't the way I want my friends to be... sorry, goodbye" VERY hurtful, unthoughtful and wrong.

September 28, 2005
5:57 pm
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hippychick,

Sounds EXACTLY like she is trying to justify her behavior. Though I'm not married, I've heard this before too from women who had married bfs or got involved with someone else's bf. (And sometimes I can be fast to criticize men- but look how many women stab each other in the back. They figure, if they don't know the wife, they don't owe her any consideration.) This was hard to hear about when I was with an unfaithful man. It did make me a lot more wary of clingy women who my bf claimed were "just friends." This made me angry at the wrong people sometimes. Though I did blame him, he was the one I had the relationship with. So maybe that information was an honest warning mean as a wake up call for me, I was kind of naive- not that you are.

But in your case, aside from all the selfishness that motivates her own relationships, she is being insensitive to your feelings and this is worse coming from a friend. I hope you have other friends that you can confide in. Maybe her intentions were even good, maybe she has a good heart... it's hard to say without meeting someone, but it sounds like she should have thought more about how that would make you feel.

There will be more supportive voices here.

hugs,
ella

September 28, 2005
6:05 pm
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Shaney
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It's women like that, that give women in general a bad name. Who's side is she on anyway? If more women would strive to achieve integrity in marriage as well as in friendship, would we have as many problems with our men cheating?! Very insensitive, hippychick, but you knew it when you heard it. The other posters are absolutely right, she's justifying her absurd behaviour.

September 28, 2005
6:19 pm
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lessthanalive
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thats kinda sick. the whole "they are safe" phrase just says shes acting out of fear, shes scared shes looking to hide behind someones apron strings. its just sad she has to hide period. its frustrating when you can see other people do negative things out of controll and fear and they seem like they know exactly what they are talking about when you know its crazy talk. i would not take advise from this woman:) just know she's sleeping and is speaking out of fear and it will help you see through those crazy things she says.

September 28, 2005
6:22 pm
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uhhmmm ... why would someone want a "safe" man (who is married) in the first place ?

did I miss something here ?

September 28, 2005
9:46 pm
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Matteo
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An affair always underlines the problem within a relationship – a problems between the partners, problem with the cheater's integrity, or both.
Putting a blame of husband or boyfriend cheating on a woman he is cheating with, is a denial of his feelings, behavior and attitude towards the one he should be committed to.

There is no way that the man will sleep with another woman if he doesn't want to cheat, no matter what. He, who is in a committed relationship, should have an integrity and should be concerned about his good reputation, name, and be considerate of his wife or a girlfriend; it is not the third party’s responsibility or a concern.

Men (or women) are adults who are making choices to cheat – or not to cheat, and whatever they choose, is their responsibility, nobody else’s. Blaming women and absolving men who are cheating doesn’t solve the problem, it only covers it up. By the way if they do cheat, in most cases they don’t volunteer the information that they are in a “committed” relationship with someone else. They are those who have no consideration for their wives and their feelings, as well any consideration for the women they are cheating with, and conveniently are often putting blame on “the other woman”. And the wives and girlfriends are often buying that, and also are putting the blame on the other women, for the sake of staying together instead of facing the problem. If he cheats, is not because the woman was “easy” or seduced him, it is because he wanted to do it in the first place. A wife can face it and try to figure out why he wanted to do it, and do something about it, or can blame on someone else that the relationship is not working, and the elusive” other woman” is a convenient scapegoat.

September 28, 2005
10:06 pm
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sdesigns
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Safe? From what? Married men are always bringing things (stds) home to their wives. Does she perhaps think that he is being true to her- and not cheating w/ someone else as well? Safe from not having to commit? or being faithful? or treating her w/ love and respect? or spending money that should go to the family? or taking time off of work to be with her? or lying to her to justify being w/ his wife? Safe from guilt of the possibility of destroying someone's life? The questions could go on and on. What is the purpose of marriage if "thats the way it is". Gosh hippiechick, I'm sorry you are going thru this and hope you can better friends to support you. SD

September 29, 2005
12:17 am
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Lass
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SAFE is a euphemism for FEAR of Intimacy.

September 29, 2005
1:08 am
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gingerleigh
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Judge not, lest ye be judged.

September 29, 2005
1:39 pm
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evi
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I have to agree with every here. I am also going through a simular type thing. My husband cheated on me and the road to repair is a long and dirty road. However....I beleive it can be done with a lot of hard work from both sides. As far as the friend goes....I couldn't be her friend....If the shoe was on the other foot I bet she would feel differently too. Married men are not safe...However some women thrive on the challange. Good luck Evi

September 29, 2005
3:51 pm
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a fuck is a fuck - "SAFE" (= married man in this case, with or without intimacy) or not.

September 29, 2005
4:38 pm
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taj64
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I do not believe that statement, married men are safe. I think they are dangerous. They hurt not only their wife but also the other women too. A women who says married men are safe, is a women who is afraid of intimacy and or commitment. Matteo says it well especially that last paragraph.

I did not like that last statement by True at Heart, that is crude remark, but you are entitled to say what you want to say.

September 29, 2005
6:39 pm
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my remark was a bit (c)rude, I agree. I am sorry if anyone on this thread took offence at it.

September 29, 2005
7:11 pm
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hippy,

That woman lacks tact and in my opinion, is quite insensitive. Granted that everyone has a right to sleep with who they want and bear the consequences of their actions, it is in bad taste that knowing what you are going through, she should voice her opinions in this manner. At least you know her value system. My advice: By all means keep your distance from her.

"Married men are safe". This statement is true for those who are scared to commit and it goes for both sexes as some think married women are safe. They are safe because they don't ask you to marry them (most don't). They are safe because you don't do the dirty work of having to be with them when they are sick etc (when they need someone). They are safe because you can choose to cook dinner or not. They are safe because you don't have to do their laundry. And I could go on and on. Married men are safe ONLY because those who engage with them are AFRAID of commitment; are AFRAID to acknowledge they have problems and work on them and because THEY ARE SELFISH.

Certainly, that is not how it is supposed to be. As I said earlier, this is wrong. Sorry you had to endure such insensitivity.

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