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One more thing.
August 7, 2001
7:01 pm
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antisocial_sociopath
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September 29, 2010
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Hi,
Sorry to write again, its just I thought of something.

I've spent my whole life trying to fit in. to be what everyone wanted, I've never had a chance to be who I wanted!
If a friend I had didnt have the right 'image' or whatever it was like immediately she wasnt good enough because I was sure that she would hold me back from fitting in with the 'incrowd.'

It's like I'm traveling down this road and it has no turn offs, nothing ahead accept a dirt track and I have to follow it.
I cant stay in one place to long and now I feel trapped.

I really and truly honestly want to die, I have a stash of pills in my room ready to do it only thing that holds me back is that I know im gona hurt people who I care about.

You know, hardly anyone has ever cared about me or asked me how I feel I've always been pushed to the side in everything and now its all resurfacing.
Will I ever be happy again, can I be happy again.
My first posting, (Someone get inside my head) was how I honestly feel about everything, this is just an after thought and again I send if off hoping for, well I dont know really will I ever?
So many questions drifing about aimlessly with out answers.

The truth si the only time I've ever been happy was when I was little now I'm not, I'm sad and have been for a long time.
No one knows why, I dont know why, I guess it was building up.

People look and see the girl who lives inside this golden world, smiling though all these tears and hiding hundreds and thousands of all these childhood fears, holding on to that last bit of sanity wanting someone to pull me back over the edge before I drop in to the un known.
My only consolation is that once you're at the bottom, the only way is up, or at least you cant fall any further.

I now know that I need more help that I'm getting and I'm going to get it. I just dont want to end up like my mother or my cousin.

Being sad crazy or how I am I suppose is like a nightmare where you scream and nothin comes out you cry out for help but no one understands you or hears you're silent pleas.

Would I kill myslef? I dont know what I do know is that I'm crying out for help and where I most need it (at home from my mum) I'm not getting it.

Thanks for reading this

A
XxX

August 7, 2001
7:17 pm
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Leo LambChop
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A ure my A star tell me what u mean bout ure mum puttin u down or wateva puhleassseee ill kiss u 😛 kiddin!!!

August 7, 2001
7:22 pm
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antisocial_sociopath
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September 29, 2010
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my mum...

I dont think she knows she does it but she does it's cause her mother did it to her...
You know monica's mum in F.R.I.E.N.D.S
well kinda like that but worse more hurtful putdowns.
I dont want to say what, she doesnt mean to hurt me, she just does.
it's like she's taking the fact that she never had a good childhood out on me and it hurts to see her hurt when she crys all the time and the fact that I'm all she's living for, its so much pressure thats why i dont feel comfotable telling her i need to see a psychiatrist because i think she will break down with it.

August 7, 2001
7:26 pm
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Leo LambChop
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she mite do so dont tell her is my advice but u can im not sure A* im hugggin u know tell me tmr or day after wen im free ill knock 4 u bout 12 or 1 and well talk in da park OK?!!! fone me!!!

August 7, 2001
8:33 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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Mom does sound depressed, and there are times when all we do live for is our children. The truth is all we really know is what we learned from our parents, and if she had lousy teachers, there you go. I don't think it would be out of line for you to ask her to go to counseling with you. There is so much today about the struggles of our youth, I am sure if you asked her to go for you, the counselor could see the whole picture, and by helping you, could get help for her self. I am sure that if you did tell her you think she needs help she would most likely deny it, not wanting you to think that maybe she does, denial works that way, any excuse but dealing with things. i think you should toss those pills to by the way, suicide is such a final solution, with no recourse, and heck why amputate when a band aid might work, know what I mean? don't follow mom's pattern, go do something good for you. Perhaps the two of you could go to a gym, or start a project together, gardens are good, very theraputic.

August 8, 2001
11:08 am
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janes
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September 24, 2010
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Suicide...a permanent solution to a temporary problem....

It does just effect the family the ripple effects are horrendous...esp. when help is sometimes there for the asking.

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