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one big sigh! in vgs
January 18, 2004
3:17 am
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vegas
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Hi Everyone. How are you all? I hope you're all well and finding happiness and peace. It's been a good year, right?

As for me...I'm okay. Roe hasn't called since that day I called him to find out about the situation with my relatives in his uncle's house. (My sister found out that our relatives were given until the end of Feb. to move out...they'll more than likely go back and stay with a second auntie in town). I guess I'm okay that romeo hasn't called. But, I still...no not miss him. But, it is missing him...maybe what we had...maybe missing the things we did together to hang out. I don't know. SIGH.

It's just the stoopid things. Stoopid things meaning...here's what happened today. I was driving with the radio on an eighties station. romeo and I loved singing out loud, literally loud, along with the radio. I mean, we had no shame. We'd be dancing, hopping up and down in the car seats doing the Pulp Fiction-Vogue arm/finger dancing...know what I mean? And it was a Prince song playing...memories flashed in my head. I was able to hold in the tears that I felt coming together. And then--total coincidence--his fav. 80's song comes on: Cyndi Lauper's "Time After Time." Ugh! HAving the hold in the tears again...and I'm just typing the title...stoopid, huh? SIGH

I've been having different kind of thoughts this past week...not about "why-did-he..blah blah blah." It's thoughts like how I'll never find anyone who will be comfortable with the goofy things that I do. I mean, romeo was goofy with me. Not even just goofy...we were just free to be ourselves. And we had such a great time together. sigh...I know I am wrong in thinking the way I am...that I'll not find anyone who'll love me for me. But, AAAACCHCHHCHHKKKK! I know some of you might rail me for saying this...I know he's a poopoo head for what he did...but I liked the way our relationship WAS. WAS, ok. I liked the way he loved me...at least long time ago before all this marriage and wifey nonsense.

okay, I'm going to have to leave this subject cuz the tears are blurring my vision as I'm trying hard to hold them in.

sigh.

January 18, 2004
3:29 am
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vegas
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It just sucks, cuz I have been in touch with some people that I've known all my life this past week also. Anyway, they talked about their lives, their kids, their jobs. And it got my thinking...my goodness, I'll be 26 yrs old this yr. I had so many plans for myself...but I'm no where close to "living life." I say "living life" to mean what I ultimately want, a family, kids and a hubby; that house to come to, with a bed to sleep on and a refrigerator with food, that I can put on the heater or a/c and not feel guilty; a car that works; a lawn to picnic on; a career that fulfills me and challenges me...ya know, just living life...a plain-ass Normal life. And I'm no where closer to start living life than I was 3yrs ago...before having met romeo.

And here are my friends, they're living life already. Their lives...they're up and going. It's set in motion. It's progressed. It's moved. Me...grrr! I feel as if for the past three yrs I was just spinning around and round in the same spot. I've remained in the same exact spot...only a little deeper in the ground as my spinning as made an indentation of the floor.

I gave romeo 3yrs of really trying. And I walk away with nothing. No reward other than I am free from him...just not the thoughts and memories. As for him...he's living it rich cuz of his stoopid marriage to his rich wifey. sigh! ugh!

Thanks for letting me let loose these thoughts. I haven't even been praying or journaling...so these thoughts have been just collecting in my brain.

Don't worry. I'm ok. These are just thoughts...and I've just got to get to where I'm no longer bothered by them.

love,vegas

January 18, 2004
9:56 am
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Hey Vegas,

It's therapeutic, and somtimes necessary, to take an occasional look back...but lingering there serves no purpose.

Being new here, I'm not familiar with the entire history...but you were wise to extricate yourself from a situatin involving a wifey.

At age 26, you have plenty of living and loving time yet to come!

GOD!! to be 26 again!!!!!!!

When the right ONE comes walking down the path, you'll both know it.

January 18, 2004
10:46 am
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lostman
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Hi Vegas
I do the same thing, all I think about is how happy we were together, and I will never find anyone like her again. But she choose to be with someone else and I don't have a choice but to move on, and it is very hard to do. I ask myself if I get her back can I trust her again, she choose another man and I think she would do it again. If she came back all I would think about is the guy she was with before and I would not be happy. You have your whole life ahead of you and there is a lot of guys that would like to have someone like you to love. Things will get better your day is comming, take care.
lostman

January 18, 2004
12:04 pm
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gingerleigh
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Vegas, it may not seem like it, but you WILL find someone that you can be comfortable being yourself with, in *all* your goofy spelndor. It will be different, but it will be good. Promise! It might seems like Romeo was so unique, so perfectly encouraging of your goofiness, how could anyone else ever do that? Honestly, they CAN. And they will. It might take a while before you're able to notice these qualities in another person, but you will soon be able to.

January 19, 2004
4:58 pm
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vegas
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Thanks, everyone.

Yeah, I had to remind myself that God is God. There is nothing He can't do. How can I doubt that He already has someone out there for me...more handsome, more loving, more "goofy" than romeo.

sigh. It's just dealing with not having anyone anymore. romeo was mine. Ya know the feeling? It was just me and him. Now...I don't even want to think about it. He probably doesn't even remember me cuz he's enjoying his new wealthy lifestyle.

ugh! YEs, I'm resentful about it all a little. It's just that I suffered...he suffered. And now he's sharing all this fortunate turn in's with someone who has always had it easy (from what I've heard, wifey's parents are rich...her previous hubby was rich). I just can't see how any of this is fair. I was the one who chose to do the right thing...sigh. I don't know. As the Bible says...God's mind is not like our own minds.

I've been fighting the urge to text msg him. I wonder if he went to have his plastic surgery. I want to know whether his uncle has moved here, as this particular uncle was one I was very chummy with. I also want to know how his mom and sister think of me...cuz it feels as if they don't care anymore. (I know this must all seem weird...but if you're just curious...these are my other threads "detoxed", "I called romeo's wifey" and "he's married...I don't love him...but I still want him").

No, I won't contact him...cuz I know I'm going to bring up the fact that taxes are coming up...and if he really meant what he said about leaving wifey. I know he stays with her cuz 1) the $, 2) he cares about her now. AND THAT MAKES ME SICK!

I find myself grabbing hold again...when I've already let it go. But, I can't seem to help it. sigh. He was mine. I was his. Parts of me are still his. Is it that he doesn't even remember me now? I know he is married now...but not even one memory of me...of Us. I hate him for all this.

And I wish he would have regrets...see what he missed out on in me....but how can he when his wife can provide him everything he wants! Damn it! She got them a custom made bed. I HATE THAT. He and I slept on the freakin floor for 3yrs. And she gets him a bed made esp for them. And she gets him a car...his dream car no less. And they get a phat house with all the niceities (a pool, a pool table, a mini golf course in the back). We had a little apt with nothing expect a donated couch and dining table.

ugh. whatever. sigh.

Got to get ready for work.

January 20, 2004
1:51 am
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Zinnie
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Vegas,

Just remember, it will turn around and bite him in the ass. I heard from my friend that I told you about today, and she sent pictures of her kids that she took over Christmas. What if she had stayed with her "Romeo"?

What if I had stayed with mine? YIKES! That actually scares me.

Your time will come, and when you meet some one, it will be for the right reasons. Not because you like his bank account.

Zinnie

January 20, 2004
2:00 am
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vegas
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THanks, Z. That's what I prayed for this morning...patience. Cuz I know that's the type of blessing god has is store for me...just I don't know when.

I wasn't with romeo for his bank account either, ya know. he heh. I can chuckle cuz it was pretty hard while we were together.

i think I'm just lonely.

January 20, 2004
4:42 am
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vegas
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I know past is past. I also know that the ways things were don't necessarily mean that's the way things will be now or even tomorrow. sigh. How I wish somethings were still the same.

I was cleaning and rearranging my bedroom...when I came across an old folder underneathe my bed. It held all the old letters and cards romeo made me. I knew I hid them someplace a long time ago...I just didn't think under my bed. Anyway, I pulled out two random sheets...and, yes, I read them. And, yes, I cried. sigh

YA know, when I was with him, I was so sure that he and I loved each other. I was so sure that love was very strong. I just wasn't so sure of when our time would come when we wouldn't have so any financial problems. Now, when I think back, I still am sure we loved each other. And I am terribly sad that that was it.

sigh. I don't love him anymore. And I'm sad that I don't. I can't explain why I'm sad about it. I guess it's just that I was so sure about it...and now I don't feel it at all. And I know that people change with time...it's sad to think he's changed so much...without me. Esp. when I tried so hard to make our life work out...even if we didn't have anything substantial. I tried so hard...just so we could be togehter. Now...sigh. Now it's all with another woman who doesn't even have to try as hard. WHatever he wants...whatever he needs...whatever she wants him to have, it's all easy breezy.

I sound like that's a great issue for me, huh? Well, it is...just it was just so damn hard! And no one remembers...except me. That's cuz I'm paying for all of it now.

sigh. I know some of you probably just want to take me by the shoulders and shake some sense into me. I know: GET OVER IT. sigh. I don't know why I'm feeling this way all of a sudden. I think I'm just trying to grab on to the sadness...that was what my old counsellor told me. I've grown too used to being sad...I'm more comfortable when I'm sad. I think she's right.

Well, gonna do something for Mom. Thanx for just hearing me out.

vegas.

January 20, 2004
11:15 am
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gingerleigh
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I read something recently that dissed on support groups, and although my first reaction was "yeah whatever", I think the basic thought behind it has merit. The longer we stew in the "what if's", the more we complain and rant, the more we focus on the negative, the more entrenched we become.

My advice to you is to consciously, through your tears, take some action. Take the letters and toss them in the dumpster across town so you won't be tempted to fish them out again. I'm giving you a gentle kick in the booty here, yes. You may not be talking to Romeo, but he is still occupying a large chunk of your thoughts and worries. Your mind is your own. He has invaded enough of your life, at least take back your mind. Consciously turn your focus elsewhere.

How's your career? Family? Friends? Hobbies?

January 21, 2004
1:50 am
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Hey Vegas,

I agree with Ginger, but let me add - everytime you have written on the subject of Romeo - it is about all YOU did for the relationship. What EXACTLY did he bring to the table?

Z.

January 21, 2004
1:56 am
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vegas
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Ginger, you've got a great point...I AM letting him rent out too much space in my mind. Thanks for putting it in a way that got into my head...as you probably can tell...I'm a hardheaded one. Yes, romeo had three years of my life. And I was depressed over him for how many months...I shouldn't relinquish my mind to thoughts of him or anything related to him any longer.

Today was actually better for me...it wasn't him I thought about...I kept thinking of his mom and sister. I was pretty close with the both of them...and now...I don't know what's up. I've been rehearsing a conversation with his mom in my mind...of course, I won't call...but it's hard since I loved her like a mom too. sigh. Sometimes I want to hear her side of this...but what does it matter now? It doesn't...I know.

Career: none yet. But, I have gotten out all of my PA school applications. I even have an interview in Feb.

Family and friends: It's hard to hang out cuz I've got the swing shift...though I think it's cool my sister and I have been catching "Days of Our lives" together. =)heheh. As for friends...I've got 'em...but they're either out of state or our schedules don't work.

As for hobbies: make jewelry...but that sometimes reminds me of him as that was what we did together. I workout...but not consistently each week. I'm mainly keeping busy with reading books.

I'm okay. Maybe it was hormones or something...I don't know why I fell into this slump. Guess it's also just breaking those old memories.

thanks, vegas

January 21, 2004
2:03 am
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Hi Vegas,

I'm sure his Mother and sister wonder about you too - but HE is their relative, and they will more than likely accept his wife as his new partner.

Personally, I would leave the whole bunch of them alone. I would not wish them ill, but I would leave them alone.

Z.

January 21, 2004
2:11 am
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vegas
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yeah. I know. =i

sigh. I already deleted his sister's email addy from my address book...got rid of their #'s.

And I know they are already accept wifey...I mean, we ALL know that this is the only way romeo can have what he has...financially I mean. And if he really is working in real estate with her...there's another one. I mean, he didn't haev his GED...he got his police record...he has no experience. wifey is his pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, if ya know what I mean.

With me...it would be a struggle still until I finally got my career going...but even so, I wouldn't be able to hook romeo up as wifey has.

sigh. We all know this is roe's ticket. They've accepted it...and her. And I've accepted it too...though it still hurts and makes no sense. I just try to look at it as a strategical financial/career/life move. I think it's still sad and moreover disgusting and pathetic..but...that's how it goes

=) got to clock in, vegas

January 21, 2004
2:19 am
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Zinnie
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Vegas,

If it makes you feel any better, he is still the lying little scummy worm he has always been. He could not qualify for a state license with a police record of felonious activities... he could not be bonded.

Just another story.

Z.

January 21, 2004
4:14 pm
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vegas
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Hi, Z. Yeh, I figured that would more likely be the case for him. Well, all the more reason for he to stay with wifey...I guess.

Had a dream last night...remembered our first place together: an old studio with absolutely nothing inside. I don't remember too much else...but then this thought came to me when I woke--we were together 3yrs, thru the good and bad, hard and harder. shrug. Guess I just am still trying to understand.

sigh

have a good day everyone

February 1, 2004
5:36 pm
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vegas
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hey zinnie,

Know how you wrote that a judge would never give custody of Ambi to romeo cuz of his record? Well, I have a coworker who has this situation:

Vick has two grandkids, 1 and 3yrs old. Vick is right now taking care of them cuz her daughter has a drug problem. The daughter lives with her boyfriend who has a long police record of drug use/sale, misdemeanors. Anyway, family court (according to Vick) is totally aware of her daughter's and boyfriend's drug problem. (Vick also claims that the boyfriend even fractured the 3yr old's skull). YEt, despite the court's knowledge of these things, it is ordering Vick to give back her grandkids to her daughter. How and why? Cuz the daughter and boyfriend have "reformed" themselves by having gone to counseling and stopped taking the drugs. YEah right. Also, the court claims that the daughter and boyfriend can provide a better "family" as a man and woman together than Vick can as a single-working-grandma.

BUt, the court is ordering Vick to turn over the grandchildren. I've talked with Vick. She says there is nothing she can do. She has a lawyer and is trying to fight this...but the court has already decided. The kids will go back to the daughter to live with her and the boyfriend.

Isn't that scary and so sad? You would think it would be different, huh? Which reminds me of my cousin. When she divorced her husband it was on grounds that he was abusive to both her and the kids. Also, it was the husband's neglect that their 4month old died. (The baby died having aspirated his own phlegm as my cousin's ex was knock out drunk beside the baby on the bed. My cousin was at work when this happened). ANyway, the ex-husband never showed up to any of the court proceedings. This prolonged the whole case for over 6 months...and the judge still gave my cousin and the ex-husb joint custody. Can you believe that? He never showed up to one hearing! His lawyer even dropped out of representing him. But the judge still permitted joint-custody.

Well, just to end this story...my cousin is now engaged to a great guy. And, 3yrs later, she finally has full custody of the kids. Her ex never paid any kind of child support the last three years nor contacted her or them.

Crazy, huh, Z?

February 1, 2004
5:37 pm
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vegas
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hey zinnie,

Know how you wrote that a judge would never give custody of Ambi to romeo cuz of his record? Well, I have a coworker who has this situation:

Vick has two grandkids, 1 and 3yrs old. Vick is right now taking care of them cuz her daughter has a drug problem. The daughter lives with her boyfriend who has a long police record of drug use/sale, misdemeanors. Anyway, family court (according to Vick) is totally aware of her daughter's and boyfriend's drug problem. (Vick also claims that the boyfriend even fractured the 3yr old's skull). YEt, despite the court's knowledge of these things, it is ordering Vick to give back her grandkids to her daughter. How and why? Cuz the daughter and boyfriend have "reformed" themselves by having gone to counseling and stopped taking the drugs. YEah right. Also, the court claims that the daughter and boyfriend can provide a better "family" as a man and woman together than Vick can as a single-working-grandma.

BUt, the court is ordering Vick to turn over the grandchildren. I've talked with Vick. She says there is nothing she can do. She has a lawyer and is trying to fight this...but the court has already decided. The kids will go back to the daughter to live with her and the boyfriend.

Isn't that scary and so sad? You would think it would be different, huh? Which reminds me of my cousin. When she divorced her husband it was on grounds that he was abusive to both her and the kids. Also, it was the husband's neglect that their 4month old died. (The baby died having aspirated his own phlegm as my cousin's ex was knock out drunk beside the baby on the bed. My cousin was at work when this happened). ANyway, the ex-husband never showed up to any of the court proceedings. This prolonged the whole case for over 6 months...and the judge still gave my cousin and the ex-husb joint custody. Can you believe that? He never showed up to one hearing! His lawyer even dropped out of representing him. But the judge still permitted joint-custody.

Well, just to end this story...my cousin is now engaged to a great guy. And, 3yrs later, she finally has full custody of the kids. Her ex never paid any kind of child support the last three years nor contacted her or them.

Crazy, huh, Z?

February 1, 2004
6:08 pm
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Zinnie
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Sadly, the Judges are now taking the stance that the children are better off with the natural parents vs. anyone else. However, unless this childs Mother plans on giving over custody to him for some reason, he does not stand much of a chance.

Z.

February 1, 2004
6:55 pm
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vegas
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No, I doubt Ambi's mom will ever give (joint) custody to roe. He told me that she (the mom) called him crying, begging he not take her to court. I am supposing he scared her by claiming to get some big-wig hotshot lawyer...now that he can afford it. Anyway, he said that Ambi doesn't want to move out here anyway...she has too many activities, like her modeling and soccer and softball.

It's not my problem...so, I"ll stop thinking about it all. Still pisses me off big that romeo would try to get Ambi while with wifey. I know, i know. There are two sides of the coin...wifey may actually be good (yet stoopid) people. shrug...trying not to care.

February 1, 2004
7:01 pm
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Zinnie
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He is too selfish to want that child full time - he is pulling at your heart strings again.

I hope I never run across anyone named Romeo from Vegas. I carry my purse - which my kids call "Mom's weapon of choice" - and it is. I would gladly smack him hard over the head with it. Might jar something back into place.

Z.

February 2, 2004
3:28 pm
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vegas
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=) lol

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