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Once you've had sex, is it wrong to stop?
August 2, 2005
8:33 am
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artist 2
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I am trying to think about this issue and want input.

BF and i have already had, and are having sex. But, my desire and good feeliings about it have gone away. It's been six months and he's still not any closer to moving on with his life. He still has no job and is not in a hurry to get prepared to do so. He says he needs to get a job to feel like a proper husband, but is not doing any studying for the certifications he needs. He's living off pension and is paying his bills alright. He is also not being very proactive getting his house ready to move in to. He just doesn't seem to be in any hurry to get to engagement. After six months, I'm wanting to figure out my life and move on.

I just don't want to continue to give myself in this way if there is no sign of engagement or marriage.

Does this make sense?

August 2, 2005
9:08 am
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CAMER
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yes, Artist this does make sense. Is there a reason why he is not actively persuing a job?? has he been looking in the local newspapers???

You have every right to feel the way you do, now you have to decide if you want to continue being with this man.

good luck

August 2, 2005
9:30 am
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EJ
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Hi Artist,

In my opinion, I think you are absolutely not obligated to share your body in any way that doesn't feel right to you. This is a basic, healthy boundary. Obviously, your boyfriend may not like it, and it may change the nature of your relationship. It may also give you a good chance to see how much depth there is to your boyfriend's feelings for you.

One caution, I think you should make it clear to your boyfriend that you're not trying to punish him or bully him into marriage. Just that since it's obvious that he's not committed to preparing for a future with you, you need to pull back and see if there's anything else to this relationship besides the sex.

One other thing: your setting this boundary may scare him and he may run right out and get a job to prove that he's worthy of you or he may even propose. But I would have serious concerns about your marrying a man who was content to coast along like he's been doing. It sounds like he has serious issues and probably needs counseling. I would want to see him get serious about his future, holding a job and working toward his certifications for at least a year before you committed yourself any more deeply to him. He may do or say anything to get you back, but he won't be able to sustain it over the long haul without real character change.

Love and good luck,
EJ

August 2, 2005
9:39 am
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shyshy
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You've only been dating six months? I don't think that's long enough to be thinking about marriage but that's just my opionion. I would give it more time.

Why do you want to get married? Are you absolutely sure that this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

August 2, 2005
9:57 am
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artist 2
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Thanks for the support!

EJ, this is just the advice I am looking for. In fact your words in the second paragraph spell it out for me: "since it's obvious that he's not committed to preparing for a future with you, you need to pull back and see if there's anything else to this relationship besides the sex."

Shy, you are right too. It's not very long to decide on marriage. I'm not convinced marrying his is what I want, but merely evaluating to see if it is a possibility.

Camer, he's not short on money, so he's not in emergency mode to looking for a job.

August 2, 2005
11:31 am
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shyshy
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Ok, I get it now. You basically want to know just how seriously he takes you right? I can identify with that!

I think maybe then you should take a step back and evaluate his intentions.

August 2, 2005
11:54 am
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artist 2
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Yes, and I think the only way to do it is to take EJ's advice: that we should both stop acting as if we're engaged and evaluate what else there is to the relationship.

He can say up and down in emails and to my face that he loves me and wants to ask me to marry him. Then in another conversation, he can say he's not ready because he's not employed. And his plan for employment is to get certified. Yet, he hasn't studied since I met him six months ago.

Doesn't sound like a hurry to me, but I'm not in a hurry either.

August 2, 2005
1:13 pm
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kathygy
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I've heard this a lot about men that they are not ready for marriage until they have their careers in place. He probably won't do anything about it until he runs out of money. I've known men like this. They are not motivated if they have money. Where did he get his money from?

If you're feeling a need to pull back then you have the perfect right not to have sex with him. Have you told him exactly how you feel about the relationship?

I think the most important factor is how he treats you. I think its also very important that you have respect for him. If he really loves you I doubt that he'll go anywhere just because you don't want to have sex. Its his job to understand and care about your feelings.

love,
kathy

August 2, 2005
2:03 pm
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on my way
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artist...
maybe not a "right or wrong" decision, but more of a "What do I want, and what do I expect for myself?" type of question? And,"What boundaries keep me safe and which ones do I now need to set again, or for the first time?"

Maybe seeing this as a learning experience and a positive, may not hurt or be so confusing to you or your friend?

August 2, 2005
5:36 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Yes, once you have had sex he owns you forever.....

...Not!

Hey, if the relationship isn't meeting your needs, and doesnt seem to have a future, you are entitled to cut your losses. Just be honest about it with him.

August 3, 2005
3:00 am
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artist 2
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Hey WD... thanks. Well, it depends on how you look at it. It's my life, yes and I deserve a good man who can take care of me, and I him.

Well, he's grand compared to the other men I've dated. He does tons of nice things for me. He just doesn't have a job, is not making any serious headway in getting there, and therefore is not making any headway toward marriage with me.

I know it's early to even be considering marriage, but he's the one who brought it up in the first place.

August 3, 2005
8:45 am
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thewall
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artist,

He doesn't sound too motivated, thats for sure. And I am in no way blaming you when I make this next statement, ok?.... here goes....

Why should he look for a job or an engagement ring when he's getting what he wants for free and with no committments? Think about it here..he gets sex without an engagement or marriage or long term committment, he gets someone to go out with or stay the nite with or even live with (I dont know if you are living together or not)...and he apparently has enough money to live on for now or worse-you are helping him pay his bills, which I hope is not the case bc if you are then you are in a sense saying you approve of him not having a job or not looking for work.

The more you put up with it w/o giving him any consequences for his behaviors, then the less pressure he feels to change.

You sound like a very motivated person. And if this is the case then you won't be truely content with anyone who is less motivated than you in life, goals, etc.

Personally, I think the only way you can ever know for sure that someone loves you for you, and isnt using you for sex, is to wait to have sex until you've made that final committment- marriage. Otherwise, many of us here, having been sexually abused in our childhoods, raped etc, will question their sincerity once in awhile, without the committment of marriage. Not an easy thing to wait on, I know, but well worth it in my opinion.

August 3, 2005
1:10 pm
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kathygy
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It sounds like his mention of marriage of not sincere, not something you can count on. Rather it sounds like a carrot and a stick. It doesn't mean anything if there is no follow through. He's already demonstrated that he's not going to come through with this. Men say all kinds of things they only felt in the moment. He obviously does not feel in a consistent way that he wants to marry you. Don't count on it.

love,
kathy

August 3, 2005
2:17 pm
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artist 2
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It feels a little like carrot and stick... but I think he's just impulsive. And, yes says things in the moment, but cannot follow up with action. It really is still early yet. I plan on saving myself until something changes.

August 3, 2005
4:31 pm
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Take Heart
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Just a brief comment about marrying someone youve only known for 6 months.

My parents married after 4 months of courtship and they were happily married for 34 years. And, my mother was 17 years older than my father.

I think the decision to marry, is an individual choice and if a couple are ready to marry in 6 months, a year, 5 years, then its fine as long as they both feel it is right.

Just my opinion.

August 3, 2005
5:37 pm
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artist 2
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Thanks Heart. That's refreshing...

August 3, 2005
5:41 pm
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Anonymous
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I agree. You shouldn't share you body in a situation where the desire and good feelings are gone for you.

My only concern is that after mentioning your lack of desire, you mentioned all the things he does (or doesn't do) to make him less than marriage material. Is this actually more about punishing and witholding until he proves he's ready for marriage? If so, certainly, I've been there. I can relate. If not, why is the sexual aspect of the relationship the only thing in jeopardy?

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