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On my own again - Part 2
November 29, 1999
4:17 pm
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yes, much easier said than done.

but so much harder not done, than tried.

i've been there. many times.

- SC

November 29, 1999
10:37 pm
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Kitten...yes...we are survivors for sure. And I can relate to so much of what you say...in fact...there are many statements you made that I have recently made myself. 🙂

The nights are the hardest for me too. I am up at five in the morining...get the kid going for school and head out for nine hours (lunch) pushing numbers. Get home and do the homework thing...have animals to care for...and all of the sudden...it's 8:30 and my little guy is in bed and here am I. Alone.

I would love to email...mine is [email protected] and I have one at work too if you need to talk during the [email protected] My work email is secured so feel free to use it if you wish. Just remember that I am on the west coast and only there from 8 to 5.

My husband is extremly ill. He is in the medical ward of the jail...he hasn't been able to eat or drink for almost two weeks. They let him call me so I would know. Part of his problem is the Hep. C attacking his adominal area. I used to think he got sick form all the drinking he did...but now that he has been sober for seventy days...hmmm.

I once had the perfect plan to end it all...I had it very well thought out...and it really did scare me...

But you and I don't need to end life to end our pain. There really is much to live for...I really hate being without a mate to share my life with...not that I need one to be somebody but, I enjoy the companionship.

Do take it one minute at a time Kitten...and lets make a pact...I don't follow my advice either and how about when I get out of control and begin to feel like the walls are closing in and I just can't breath another minute...you remind me that "yes I can". And I do the same for you. We can do it...

And that fun and full of life Kitten...she is still there...

November 29, 1999
10:44 pm
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Hi Lost Soul...

Yes...you are right. My husband did get himself into this mess all on his own. And I don't owe him anything. But I still care and love him so very much. I have much soul searching and reflecting to do where it comes to him.

In fact...just the thought of not being his wife...makes my stomach ill...but I am beginning to open up to that possibility. One minute at a time.

And yes...ups and downs...I am on one of the scarest roller coaster rides on earth. MY LIFE! 🙂

Glad things are going good for you...gives me hope.

Karin

November 29, 1999
11:46 pm
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KT

You said the thought of not being his wife makes your stomach ill...that is how I feel as well. I don't know if I can really explain it--it's not the co-dependency thing. maybe this is close...remember the first time you looked into your baby's face, the love you felt. And the connection, that unseverable bond that no matter what, would always be there. On thursday night when he took my face in his hands I saw that look on his face...that overwhelming love-bond. It had nothing to do with sex, nothing. Maybe I'm just crazy...
I'm going to try to email you. We'll see if I can do it

November 29, 1999
11:57 pm
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He probably really does love you in that way. But for reasons that only he really knows backs away from you. Maybe it is the control issue and loving you makes him feel as if he is out of control...afraid of being hurt as you have said in the past.

But I do hate how he plays you. Do you know what I mean? It's like you are a toy or something that he thinks he can pick up when he wants and when he is done you just go back on the shelf and wait for him to want to play again.

So you go through all the rejection over and over and over...etc. How will you ever grow beyond this moment unless this cycle stops?

But I also understand how hard it is to let go...this is something I have yet to master...

November 30, 1999
12:15 am
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Yes, I do believe he loves me...and I'm not hearing only what I want to hear (he said this to me on Sun).
One day he loves me, the next he talks to his ex's sister and suddenly boom...he wants out. He had wanted to have a child for many years with his ex--she didn't
want anything to do with the idea. So, since the last three times we broke up were when she got engaged, married, and sis had a baby who's Baptism he couldn't go to and who won't be calling him uncle...get the idea. I'm wondering if the ex is now trying to have a baby with her new husband (that would be a kick in the pants, sort of speak). I had guessed about the others and was right, so what if I'm right now. I know I'd be upset if my ex was having a baby with someone when he wouldn't have one with me. Not excusing his behavior, but it makes a little bit of sense. And here I am, over forty not so fertile anymore and it would be harder for us. Does any of this make sense? Well, it's just one of those things he thinks he wants and can't have. In reality, he couldn't deal with a baby unless it was with me. You know, those of us with more than one manage to do it all. Anyway...I've got to go on as best I can--if it works it works.

November 30, 1999
12:35 am
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This is where our "men" are similar...your man gets a personal hit and he withdraws...my man gets a personal blow and he too withdraws...but into a bottle. He acts like all is well on the outside and is even the comedian...but inside he is hurting so badly that he must dull the pain with beer.

I too can excuse my husbands' behavior. I always felt I had a gift from God by being able to feel where someone else was coming from...you know...how their past made them who they are today...and understand why they do what they do...

Sometimes it is more of a curse than gift if you know what I mean. 🙂

November 30, 1999
1:17 am
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yes, my man's bottle is his work--his drug of choice. Ambition dulls his pain. It's cause and effect. If he works hard, he gets ahead. That doesn't always happen in love. Sometimes no matter how hard you work you lose. And yes,too, heightened sensitivity can be a curse. I will tell you more about that later. My man is the poster boy for charming, loved by all. But that is the superficial boy. He only has to look at me and I can read him. I know when he is hurting. That scares him--with me he can't hide. With me he has to stop acting and be real, hence, let's push away before she finds out that I'm not good enough for her. He's just a poor boy from the wrong side of town who is hiding out with the good guys, pretending and hoping not to get caught. Maybe all this catharsis is good. At least until I crawl into bed, alone, that is.

November 30, 1999
1:32 am
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Amen to that..."until I crawl into bed, alone". Yes...it is unbearable at times...99% of the time. So I take my herbal sleeping pill and knock myself out. Not the best solution but the only one at this time.

November 30, 1999
1:34 am
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did you get my new mail?

November 30, 1999
1:36 am
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Yep...just had a book to write myself..;)

November 30, 1999
1:50 am
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goodnight all. now what are those words to that song?
...I will survive....da te dum de dum, something...

November 30, 1999
8:42 am
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Well...it's a brand new day. My sons' 23rd bday. He is so far away now...I guess that is what it's about.

I am hanging on by a thread today...and it is very windy outside...

There has got to be an easier way...

November 30, 1999
10:04 am
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It's windy here, too. And cold. Don't want to go to work...just want to stay in bed.

Happy bday to your son. He is lucky to have a loving mother.

Karin, hang on. The road is going to get bumpier, but remember the pact. I learned in class last night that if positive regard goes up for others, so does PR for self. I didn't think that would happen, cause I know I'm harder on ME than on anyone else, but there have been studies by Betty Sheerer that prove otherwise.

And if necessary, put lead weights in your shoes--you won't get blown away!!!

November 30, 1999
3:38 pm
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I believe in praying for others (positive regards) and that it does raise our own spirits by doing so. Everyone has a load to bear....sometimes seeing someone else's load makes our own look so much lighter. I am reminded of the saying...be thankful for what you do have...not looking at what you do not have.

Thanks for your encouragment Kitten and Lost Soul.

November 30, 1999
11:25 pm
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one of my new age friends tells me we pick the family we want to be with. That it is our karma to do so. We have certain issues we need to look at and work through. But a split second difference in the physical coupling of our parents means we could be a totally different person. Why us, why this physical body? Why do I have to go through certain things and my sister escapes the same path? It must be Karma. I know i'm growing with each day, while she is staying pretty much the same. But she is also more stable and sane. I know she hasn't put as much energy into the idea of death as I have. Then again, if things are brought to us on a constant basis are we meant to step into them and truly experience? Oh, if I could only quiet my brain!

December 1, 1999
9:18 am
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kitten,

I'm certain I haven't read all of your postings, so I may have missed any talk about medications?

Your difficulty with "quieting your brain" can likely be helped with medication if you're open to it (many people aren't interested). There are many people, including a few friends of my own, who swear by it for "quieting the mind".

They tell me, "The world is a much more pleasant place on medication".

Medication can be a touchy subject with many people, it has stigmas and stereotypes, so I hope I haven't overstepped any boundaries with my suggestion.

- SC

December 1, 1999
9:35 am
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lost soul
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Hi Karin & Kitten
Just a short note to let you guys know I have been here.Have not sleep well last night,got to catch up some sleep. Take care friends!!!

December 1, 1999
10:32 pm
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SC...medications? Like for hearing voices in your head or for not being able to stop churning from dwelling on things in our thoughts. Like trying to solve everything or not being able to get thoughts out of your head? Please explain...

My exhusband is on medication to stop voices in his head due to his mental illness. I know you weren't talking to me when you mentioned medication but I would be very interested in what you say about it.

Thank you, Karin

December 1, 1999
10:34 pm
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Hi Lost Soul...hope you get some much needed sleep tonight. My thoughts are with you and when you get some time or feel like it would love to hear about how you are doing.

Take care and God Bless.

December 1, 1999
10:50 pm
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Sc.

You mean like Paxil, Zoloft, Wellbutrin. Been there, done that. One thing I did notice--it killed my passion
my spirit. Sure I was calm, but imagine the Stepford wives and that was me. No, I didn't get this way because of medication, so I think it better that I find me without it. Like people who weigh alot want to lose weight over night. It took them twenty years to get that way, why do they expect it to take two weeks to get back to normal. Sure, it is hard to settle myself at times, but I'm working on conditioning skills
It's like growing up...just a little later than most.
I might fall and skin my whole body, but I'll learn to walk a lot more careful. I don't want to put on the bandaid before the injury. Anyway, we as Americans take too many drugs...asprins, pain killers, etc. But who knows...that attitude might change.

December 1, 1999
10:54 pm
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Kitten,

I have many of those same questions. My siblings have turned their backs on me for reasons that are too long to get into right now. But why do things come easier to some and not others. My brother is a drug addict that left his family and lives on the streets...but my youngest sister has what appears to be the perfect life. stable husband, children and job along with church background. Did she have more opportunities then myself or my brother? You said "it must be karma", and I must say that I believe our life has been laid out before we were even born. I will have to explain that comment at another time. 🙂

December 1, 1999
11:35 pm
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Lost soul

are you okay? Why aren't you sleeping? Maybe if we all keep talking we won't have time to think sad thoughts. Come on guys, I'm trying to come up with something!!!

December 1, 1999
11:38 pm
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KThomas,

Yes, it must be Karma...I believe in the recycling of souls and somewhere along the way, we are given a choice of where we want to go. And what lessons we need to learn to keep getting closer to the no-thing-ness of eternal life.

December 3, 1999
12:30 am
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Hi Kitten...funny how you put it about the lessons we need to learn. I have often thought that life is nothing but one big lesson after another. And there are many lessons I am just not getting...so it appears that I have to keep experiencing the same lesson over and over. This is where I get angry at myself for not getting it. But I do believe in eternal life...I have to...there has been too many people I have lost to not hold onto it. I can't accept that I won't get to see those loved ones again. That would be most unbearable to me. Even if it is a fantasy...

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