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On my own again - Part 2
November 26, 1999
11:45 am
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KTHOMAS
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I am trying this again. With a new attitude. I need a place to vent and let out my feelings before I explode. I am not seeing a counselor at the moment due to finacial reasons. So it's just me, myself and I trying to understand what is going on with me. The whys, whats, and now whats.

My husband is being sentenced to at least eight years in prison due to his present drug charges and past issues he never took care of. He has been sober now for two months. Of course I like him again.

The issue...wait or? I am forty-one. Yet what an excuse to not get involved with another loser. I don't want to bring men in and out of my sons' life. This is already hard enough on him losing this step-father.

So I am in a pull back and now what place. He (my husband) is going to need things that only I will be able to get to him. He like myself is an orphan and no family to turn to. So I guess I feel obligated to be there for him. And yet I either have myself very fooled or I am still in love with him. He is an alcoholic...never abusive. Well there was one time...but only that one time and it blew him away as much as it did me. Although we have been married less than four years we have known each other over ten. He was my best friend...and then we got married. 🙂 Never marry your best friend if you want to keep your best friend. 🙂

Anyway...I am just trying to figure out how I am supposed to feel and what I am supposed to do in this new and scarey time of my life. Just when I think I have it figured out...I fall apart and realize that I am kidding myself.

My son is demanding attention...must go for now. So much more to let out...but I feel guarded...I need to get over that.

November 26, 1999
12:44 pm
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eve
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how are you supposed to feel? Good, of corse 🙂
NOT because of the situation and all the decisions you have to take, but because you deserve it.
Perhaps it would help, when you take a decision now for the next two weeks / next month and leave everything else for later? Like: I'll do this now, because not doing it would make ME feel bad, but I decide later wether I want to stop it, because in the long run I would feel a fool / taken advantage of. That way you would take a decision for your own sake (although it will involve something you do for your husband) and gain time to sort out your feelings and decide things. Dont't do anything just to follow outside expectations - it allways leaves oneself with a bad taste in the mouth. This is no final solution to the decisions you have to face, but it might take off the "I have to decide it now" pressure you seem to be under.
Best wishes Eve

November 26, 1999
1:15 pm
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Thank you Eve. I have a very bad habit of trying to over think things through. It is so hard to hear myself think that by putting it in writing has always been the best way for me to work things out.

I don't have to decide everything in one day. I wish I could shut it all off inside and not dwell as I do. I guess this is one of those "one minute at a time"...times for me.

To top off my burden today...my husband has been very ill the last week. He has been unable to eat or drink for five days and when my son and I visited last night...he looked so pale and weak. They get such inadequate medical care in jail. But I can only place him in Gods' hands. I already called the jail to voice my concern. I have to learn to let go and not feel responsible to solve every issue laid before me. And stop feeling sorry for myself as I can tell I am feeling right now. Man I could throw a huge pity party if I'm not careful. 🙂

Again thank you Eve for your words.

November 26, 1999
9:01 pm
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zoneless
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"On my own" thoes would be words of wonderment to me i have a good marriage and two fantastic teenagers and I would give any thing too be on my own but I have no reason too want this other than selfishness ......I have never under stood women who feel as tho they have to have a man in there life to be happy and I love my husband deerly yet if he left i would be just fine with that.....sorry that was not much help ...I will leave now

November 26, 1999
9:33 pm
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KTHOMAS
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Zoneless...I understand how you feel. After the breakup of my first marriage of eleven years (this latest is my third) I was on my own for three years before getting married the second time. At first I thought I would die...but I began to enjoy it. But I came to a point where I wanted to share my life again.

Funny...how the saying "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence" comes to mind. When our lives are filled up with our children and mates it is easy to say we would be happier "on our own" and yet when faced with being alone...there are times when everything in you crys out for that special one to share your life with.

Maybe that is one reason why I entertain the thought of waiting for my husband...I really do want to be on my own again. And what better deterrent then already being married to someone else???

November 26, 1999
10:29 pm
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zoneless
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It is not that the grass is any greener it is just that I need to be on my own ,I got married at 17,,,MY CHOICE,,,had my first child at 19,,,MY CHOICE and now I just want to be selfish ,,,My kids are the most and the best they are great and i am very proud of them and I know that they will do fine heading into adult hood. I have a pretty terrific husband so i have no reasons for feeling the way I do so ...how do i fix it .
I went from being daddy's little girl, to being Mrs so & so, to mom I lost me along the way.

November 27, 1999
2:00 am
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kitten
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Hi KThomas, glad to see you are standing strong! This might sound odd, but maybe being married will aid in helping you find a good partner. Those men who are out looking for a notch in their belt will be scared away, but those men who are honorable will become your friend first and take the time to find out about all your pain. If that man truly loves you he will want to share his life with you and be willing to wait for you to put your ducks in order. In the meantime do what you can, what you find possible to do. Come here and scream if need be. I think we are all waking up from a long hibernation. Along the way we might fall down and make fools of ourselves, but as long as we have each other to help (to give and receive love from), we WILL be fine. I have other questions for you and for Tears and the others, but I'm very tired...I just finished writing a paper, it's two in the am and I'm still stuffed from Turkey day--UGH! Sleep well, all.

November 27, 1999
10:46 am
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KTHOMAS
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Kitten...how what you said scares me. And yet who am I fooling saying I can hang for eight years waiting for someone that may or may not return to drugs and alcohol when he is released. His profession will be gone (he is a realtor)and I will have had lived my life on my own all that time. The problems I see with that alone are huge. He's the old fashioned type...take care of the family or you are not a man. Plus he is ill...he has Hepatitis C. There is no cure and without some sort of diet and treatment...he could die. So maybe he won't even live long enough to get released.

I am spinning out of control here. I must stop myself. Back to one minute at a time please. 🙂

November 27, 1999
10:54 am
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Zoneless...I too was married young. At the age of 16 I became a wife, mother and by the age of 18, I had two babies in diapers. My husband was nine years older then me and for the eleven years we were married he was more a father figure than my husband. We were never friends.

My brief stint with a wonderful counselor named Jane recently told me that as women near the age of 40, they begin to question who they are. What you are experiencing is normal. (Egads...is there really such a thing as normal?)

Anyway...she said we have been wifes, mothers and get to a point of needing to understand what our roll as mature (yuck) women are. Have you ever tried counseling? There are places that use sliding scales and the cost is minimal. Maybe this is where to start finding answers to the questions you have before acting on emotions. ????? You sound like you really love and like your husband. Have you been able to talk to him about what you are feeling?

November 27, 1999
3:35 pm
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kitten
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KThomas, honey...I am sorry to scare you! I only wanted to let you know that people do exist outside your world--good people, too. This is a strange time of year, full of expectations and wishes. Combined with everything you are going through it can be a bit much. Your husband is dealing with the fruit of his actions. His actions. You are a loving woman, of course you want to be supportive. Just know that you have the right to come first. It is your life. The answers will come. Maybe happiness is like a flower that slowly unfolds, petal by petal. Think of yourself as a beautiful ivory tea rose, opening gracefully, reaching towards the sun, inhaling the richness of your own perfume. Know you are blessed AND loved!

November 27, 1999
10:32 pm
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KTHOMAS
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You are quite special Kitten. Thank you. You brought tears to my eyes. I guess I just need to get through his sentencing and then get on with me. 🙂 I guess the New Year is truly going to be a new beginning for me. Scary or not...it is going to happen and I can't hide my head in the sand forever.

November 27, 1999
11:04 pm
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lost soul
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Hi Karin
Like before, you will survive throught this difficult moment.I understand that you feel sorry for you husband because he is in jail and is sick.But Karin spare a thought for yourself, you did not asked him to take drugs in the first place. I am not been "incompassionate" but I just do not wish to hear you feeling this way.
Karin, you still have your own life to lead. Try putting yourself first.You should have your own friends, own interest and own life.
Just take care! will write again.

November 27, 1999
11:51 pm
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kitten
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yes, the new year will be a new beginning for all of us
It is amazing how different we all are since I came aboard in the middle of October. I've seen a lot of growth in every one of us. KThomas, don't hide your head in the sand...you are a proud woman who has stood tall for a long time. It is his sentencing, not yours. Honey, you've been on your own for a long time...even when he was there. You can do it. You don't need anyone to take care of--you have children for that. You need to take care of yourself and someday soon there will be another there to SHARE with you--another who has been and will continue to take care of himself.
I think we often get mothering confused with nuturing. You can nuture a relationship, but when you start to become "the mother", well, it's not too good. I applaud
your tenacity K...just like that "old" disco song..."I
will survive". Come on, admit it, you remember the words...It's out there on CD...hummm, do I hear you humming? A little louder, please.....

November 28, 1999
9:54 am
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lost soul
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I like that kitten!!!
And Karin, we all beieved in you and I think you are a great person!BE STRONG MY FRIEND.This difficult moment for you is going to past soon!

November 28, 1999
10:17 am
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KTHOMAS
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Yes...I am a surviver...no doubt about that. I will make it through this...the knot in my throat will go away. It really is a blessing being able to share here and have people that care and understand to share with. Thank you Kitten and Lost Soul.

He calls every day...I accept those collect calls. I reassure him and promise him I will be here for him. I now realize that I am promising the impossible but I just need to get him through this part and sent off to where-ever they are sending him. This is such a long drawn out process and I just wish it were over. He knows how hard this is on me and has told me he doesn't expect it from me. I much inner seeking to do. But it doesn't have to be all done at once and I must take it easy on myself. 🙂

I do need to get out and make friends...the one friend I have here in town is from my past...when I used to use drugs myself. (fifteen years ago) I love her and all and she doesn't use around me...but she is slowly killing herself and it shows. But she and her family have always been there for me (when my own family turned their backs on me). But I need new friends. Taking that first step to go back to church after not going for five years is hard. I would most likely cry through the entire service. ;0

Thanks again Kitten and Lost Soul...how are you two doing?

November 28, 1999
6:46 pm
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I need to vent. I feel my own thread is the safest.

My husband wants me to sell his car now so that he can retain a Lawyer instead of using a public defender. Can't say as I blame him considering the time the DA wants to give him. More leg work for me...I don't mean to be selfish...truely the time does not fit the crime. And yet...I just don't know what to do.

I guess I am either going to help him or sink him. I know it's not my fault that he is in this mess. But the system is really shafting him. Man I am so tired of all this trauma. Here I was just reflecting on how much longer I can keep up this farce of making it on my own. Supporting my son...taking care of all these animals and the maintance on this old home. And now I am back to working the issue of "can we spare Tim". Get him less time and or a treatment program. He just doesn't want to go to prison for eight years on a drug charge. Back to that same old issue...NOW WHAT!

Just venting...although it hasn't helped. I am slowly going crazy here. How much more can I bear dear Lord?

I need a rainbow here...the storm has gone on much too long...

November 28, 1999
11:32 pm
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kitten
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Dear sweet Karin,
I want to give you some hope, but I am too f****d up
right now to do it. My man has done it to me again. We spent the past three weeks enjoying each other, sharing
a great many things. He went to his family's on turkey day...did not have a good time. When he got home he called and I took up a plate of food and some dessert. He was very loving and adoring. Almost like he realizes that I'm his family. I don't know...maybe I'm imagining things. Anyway, later he showed me how much he loves me and he did something so intimate and loving
(no, it wasn't sexual!), so incredibly sweet that I was
amazed. Men who don't love a woman won't even THINK of doing what he did. It showed what is in his heart.
Anyway...we talked on saturday...he had to work...he was going to call if he got home at a reasonible hour.
I was tied up with work so I called a left a message saying I'd catch up with him on Sunday for dinner like we planned. I did this for me, but also so he wouldn't feel pressure to call me late Sat night if he was tired
So today I go thru my day planning on dinner tonight.
Something made me check my email at six. There was a message from him at 11 in the am. He said he couldn't do this anymore...he has to be alone...I only hear what I want to hear, etc. For now he can't be part of a couple. I flipped out and went to see him. He told me he isn't happy...he can't be in a relationship. He had to go back to work so we couldn't really talk. I told him I'd be back later and we could continue. We were going to come up with a definition of going slow. So, he calls about twenty minutes ago saying he won't get out of work in time...I tell him I'll wait. He blows up and says no. Now, he doesn't want to go slow, he doesn't want the relationship at all. But he did keep saying I have to be alone for NOW. And that he needs a break for NOW. So instead of freaking I said okay let's talk in a week. He was happy for that. Am I an ass or what? His final words were, "sweet dreams".
What a little ****head. Is he so afraid of loss that he is willing to push it away in order to have control?
And what is the likelyhood that he will come back. If I had a gun it would be to my head. I'm an idiot! But when I think he's just a male jerk...I then think of the thing he did on thursday nite. That was the action of a man in love. Karin, I'm sorry for being a downer!
I truly believed everything was falling into place for me. Ah, pride goeth before the fall. I give up. You guys are right...it's over...he doesn't love me. This sucks. Once again, I'm a loser!!! I won't ever reread this cause I don't want to see it in print. If it's possible I've gone over the edge...

November 29, 1999
1:33 am
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kitten
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wow,now I know I'm a loser...I called the suicide hotline and was put on hold! Having a hard time calming myself. Why keep trying? All that crap about good coming back to you and all things come to she who waits...it isn't so. it just isn't so. There is no reason for anything, none. I can't believe I was brought to this place again, only to be dumped on some more....please someone put me out of my misery! And when did I get so cold? I can't stop shivering...

November 29, 1999
6:20 am
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kitten, don't do it. You are such a warm loving woman, no wonder you hurt badly, when the one you love seems to disappear. But you are also a deep thinker, remember? So you should know that when you are really miserable and depressed and try to fiure it out you normally end up digging into it deeper and deeper. Just stop yourself right there and then and try something else. No matter what - anything that keeps you alive for now is ok. With me it's often something pyhsical like take a walk or run around madly, or try to sing out loudly until I at least manage some sound, even if it is a shout of pain - anything. Dont go, please
Eve

November 29, 1999
8:33 am
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Eve,
Thank-you, but I am at a strange place. I do not have anything to hold onto. I have to admit I am not happy with most of my life. I'm not happy being a mother, I'm not happy being a student, just not happy. I went back to school because of my man's encouragement--to get some sort of career. Now, I wonder what the Hell I'm doing here. I've done so many things in my life...
taken so many paths, but they all end up here. A big dark pit. He was NOT my reason for living...he was just the harmony in my operatic life. Losing him is like losing a finger on the right hand...the hand works, but it's a little unbalanced. And I have to write with my right hand. Ugh! I've decided to give myself a time frame...I will work on myself and try to sort things out. If it doesn't work, adios. As for him,
he'll probably be back...he always comes back, but I can't do this anymore. I can't do any of it anymore. If I dissapear today, I will be forgotten by tomorrow.
That is a fact. I saw that when my husband died. It's as if he never existed. His own family doesn't talk to me at all. We are but a fleeting smile on the face of humanity. It is time I give up and accept my dreams are just that, dreams. Eve, you are sweet for trying. I don't have anything to believe in...nothing.

November 29, 1999
9:39 am
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site coordinator
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kitten,

KIS. Keep it Simple. Back to basics.

I believe the largest part of everyone's unhappiness is feeling helpless in achieving our dreams.

Make your dream to have a "CENTERED DAY". Make each day a "CENTERED DAY". Being centered means, living INSIDE ourselves, rather than through everything around us. Would others care to elaborate more on that?

BREATH (it's one of the easiest and surest ways of getting inside ourselves-getting back in touch with our "physicalness").

It's tough when life is chaos, and our expectations (important NOT to have any expectations) don't get met...BUT, that doesn't mean you have to be chaotic and let down.

There's something real about every cliche, and stopping to smell the roses, is probably the most over verbalized, and UNDER UNDER-ACHIEVED cliche of them all.

Stop to smell the roses...they're there, try to find as many as you can each day.

- Keep us POSTED!

- SC

November 29, 1999
10:17 am
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KTHOMAS
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Oh Kitten...hang on girl. Those of us that have gone through so much to get nowhere know where you are at. But you need to hang on.

This too shall pass...that saying gets me through some rough spots. I wish I had answers and could give you what you need to hang on...but the site coordinator is so on when she said "keep it simple". One minute at a time...

And I meant what I said earlier about if not for my children I would have checked out of this place a long long time ago...but what it would do to them...I just couldn't do it...hang on dear Kitten...hang on.

Karin

November 29, 1999
11:37 am
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kitten
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Karin,

This is a big plunge, but here I go. I just got done talking to my therapist. He says I should wait, everything is going to work out. My man is struggling with control issues, but that he loves me and maybe he does need a break from all the drama before he understands. Blah, blah, blah. Mr. Therapist has always been right before...However, this time things are different. I was planning things last night and without crying. I was very calm and precise. I knew what I was going to do. That scares me. I am the same age my husband was when he took his life. He died in January. I was very calculating in my thoughts. It's like I became a different person. All because of the pain this LOVER is putting me through.

I have to walk away. And I have to do it without talking to my therapist. We talk almost every day. I wonder sometimes if he tells me things only because he has some sort of big brother/friend investment in me. He wants me to win this one! He is 100% sure it will work out. I am not. So, I have to move on--both men tie me to the old kitten. I need to do what is best for me. I can get through the day, but it's the night time that chokes me. I think too much. Okay, so what if I have the IQ of a genius, I just want my brain to shut down for awhile. It goes round and round, it doesn't even shut off when I am sleeping. Anyway, what do I tell myself...how do I truly see me? It is scary being alone, shouldering all this responsibility, and having no one to help. Damn, I'm starting to whine--I hate that. He has messed me up! I see this new cynical kitten--I don't want to lose the eager, rushing at life
loving kitten. I'm not making sense, am I? One minute at a time. Okay. I am much better at helping others than I am at helping myself. But I can't save him. I think he is mentally ill. No love in all the world will fix him. I can't be his savior. Whew. Karin, can we email each other? Is that too much? Maybe we can sing "I Will Survive" together!

November 29, 1999
12:00 pm
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Dear SC
All easier said than done.

November 29, 1999
1:32 pm
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lost soul
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OH just a one and two days, and so many mood swing for you guys.Well, I can understand.I was there before.in and out.I am telling this to karin and kitten. Don't be bother so much by "your man" they know what to get they want.They go and get it elsewhere.Not from you guys.You don't own them anything.But they own you.alots.
Hand it on there my friends,Is their shit not yours.You don't have to clean-up their shit.

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