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on moving too fast..........
August 28, 2006
2:04 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Okay, so mr. 25 has definitely captured my heart.

and thankfully, he lives 6 hours away, so I don't have the opportunity to move too fast on this.

and on some levels, he seems very patient and very NOT impulsive....which is great for me.

I find I still have to work on getting my "obsession" under control in terms of wanting to talk to him all the time and getting bummed if I don't. I am not as miserable as I was in the past. But the obsession is still there....so, it's progress, but certainly not perfect yet.

Here's my dilemna and random ramblings.

This weekend coming up, I have the opportunity to go up there to be with my friends, and spend some time with him.

I also have the opportunity to take him to rhode island, camping and to the ocean. This may be my last opportunity to do that.

Now - he has expressed the desire to spend this time with me, and has also made some overtures about some of the things he wants to do while together - some of them a little more than I want - and told him it wasn't part of my agenda this weekend. (a little adult fun if you know what I mean).

so - here's the thing - if I go up there, we are limited on our time together - I can't go up and stay with my friends and leave my daughter there while I go hang with him. And having sex this weekend is DEFINITELY out, as I can't stay with friends, then ditch them to go be with him, or be with him at their house. The opportunity to have one on one time is definitely limited.

Going to our camper will give us one on one time, and will also be important to me, as it's the last opportunity for this, as the season is winding down and the camper is being sold at the end of the season.

The pros and cons are this - being up there limits our time....part of me WANTS this time....but part of me knows that it's best we don't have it, lest we give into temptation.

But then, I WANT to go to RI this weekend. And if I get the job offer, I will be up there to live permanently, so we will have plenty of time to do what we want together up there.

I'm supposed to look at the house up there the following weekend as well.

sooooooooooo, I guess what I REALLY should be asking is this - what is important to me....right?????

And honestly, perhaps I am neglecting myself and my wants, which is camping....for time with him.....and I really have to make that clear to myself.

I think that if we ended up in RI - perhaps the alone time will be too much....but on the other hand, I think we won't have much alone time at all if I go up there, because I don't want to ditch my friends - I care about their feelings. Tho I suppose they won't mind babysitting one night, I am not sure how they will feel if I run off with him. I know he wants "snuggle time" - not sexual - and not sure how to work that into our plans.

I am soooooooooooooooo overanalyzing this.

helppppppppppppp!

August 28, 2006
2:17 pm
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lovinglife
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Rising~ Hey I love to overanalyze!! Think that is my middle screen name… “lovinglife overanalyze!”

My take on the sitz- if you give in to what is on his agenda for the weekend- you will have allowed a boundary to be crossed within yourself. Think that is where you’re having this confusion which is brining you to overanalyzing the sitz. His agenda just doesn't work for you on that particular weekend...

August 28, 2006
2:25 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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well, in his defense - NOT making excuses here.

the ORIGINAL plan was for me to be up there, and for us to spend some time together.

It was my "impulsive" thoughts that came up with the plan to change and go to RI.

And to be honest, as I sit here, part of that desire is to spend time with him ALONE - but also to "show him a good time" - not in a sexual way, but for me to impress him - it is his bday and I have a habit of doing "too much". And I am able to rationalize that I am doing the right thing by saying I want to go before the season is over....cuz the season doesn't end until October 15th - so I could go - tho, part of me would argue that I may have to move, and will be busy....ARGH!!!

He hasn't really said what he ultimately wants - he has said that he'd like the chance to go to the ocean, but also wants to show me around up there....and basically says that that is his preference, tho he is weighing both options, and hasn't made a choice.

I think that if I step back and be honest - my desire to take him to RI is to be on "my turf", as well as make him go "wow" - cuz RI is inspiring. And if I really want to do this right, perhaps I need to let him take the lead and stop trying to be the controlling one.

And this is the type of person that doesn't really need to be outside his own area to go "wow" - he is not impressed by big things.

Sooooooooooooooooo - what I need to really do is figure out my true motives.

And be honest with myself.

And if I REALLY want RI for HONEST reasons - like I say they are - then tell him and go with or without him and enjoy it.

But if RI is only really a way to show off and give him a good time for his Bday, then I have to back off and let things flow.

I was supposed to go up there last weekend, but backed out....and now I am changing plans yet again.

oy....all fun of being part of my life...lol.

August 28, 2006
2:31 pm
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lovinglife
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Are we sisters here?! What is your fears with spending time with him?

August 28, 2006
2:33 pm
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lovinglife
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and why did you change your original plans? And what is wrong with making plans to spend time with just him-?? Tell me so I know what my problem is!!

August 28, 2006
2:40 pm
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lovinglife
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and what is wrong with "showing him a good time in RI" regardless of your motives. If you have the means to show someone a goodtime- then by golly - do it!!

Now I just read your posting again...
"And if I really want to do this right, perhaps I need to let him take the lead and stop trying to be the controlling one." Maybe thats your answer...

August 28, 2006
3:43 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Okay,

LL - I really do love you - yeah, I feel like your sister....always have.

Okay - what's wrong with it? well, the reality is that I often "do too much" in a relationship - I "love too much" sort of thing.

So, often, when I meet someone, invariably, their birthday seems to be right after we meet - this has happened THREE TIMES IN A ROW!!!!! - birthdays all within a month of our first meeting....how odd is that?

And, because I like to make people happy on their Bday (probably to make up for the way people treat ME on MY bday)....I usually go overboard.

1)fears of spending time with him - well, I think I am afraid I will rush like I have in the past - jump too fast too soon - knowing that taking things one step at a time is the easy part - putting it into practice is going to take much practice, as I am breaking 15 years of bad habits....so that's where the fear comes from....also afraid of being expected to jump into bed with him cuz of the alone time....again, I don't want to rush, but know that hormones can get the best of people.

2) changing plans - originally, I was going up north to spend time with my friends - staying at their home. Then he came into the picture. As far as plans changing - originally, I wasn't planning on moving, nor was I planning on going up the following weekend to look at a house for rent.

Soooooooo, I don't want to hurt my friends feelings by staying at their home, but going off with him, or leaving my daughter with them when I do. Don't want them to think I am using them to be with him.

ALSO - they know I am talking with him, but I am uncomfortable with them knowing I want to spend time with him because they don't approve of this - they think I should take my time and wait until I get up there to start dating ANYONE - and that I should date others - not him.

So - two fold problem.

Normally changing plans is not an issue - if nobody else is involved - but they are.

If we go to RI - it's our time and nobody to butt their noses in our business.

3) showing him a good time is one thing - but this early in the game, perhaps I am overcompensating or trying to overdo it - part of the loving too much problem.

the GOOD NEWS is that I have spoken to him about it.

Told him I didn't want to appear to be "using" our friends.

Told him I was worried that if we went to RI, sleeping in the same tent would be a tease.

And at the same time, he's over on his side of the fence, agonizing for his own reasons -

Cuz his income is very low right now, he is agonizing over ruining my weekend by not having enough money to do anything, including coming down to go to RI with me. So, he's been working on the financial problem.

I explained to him that spending quality time with him is more important than what we do, and a picnic by the river means more than dressing up for a five star restaurant (and spilling food on my clothes, and embarrassing myself, cuz I am a slob - always humor with me)....and he laughed....said he understood that, but realizes that if he wants to have spending cash for ANYTHING, he has to get off his butt.

Boy, he came up with this on his own without my nagging....and he has been applying for jobs.

He's scoring points left and right!

THEN, I told him that his finances were none of my business and he said that while he agrees, he does disagree, in that, if he has no money to drive down here, then it WOULD affect me, making it my business and he doesn't want to ruin my weekend cuz he's broke.....I'm IN LOVE...lol.

Anyway, I explained to him my feelings, he explained his and we both agreed to table the decision until the end of the week. He said that going to the beach is not out of the question, but right now, cash flow is.

In the end, I will decide if I REALLY want to go to RI, for my own honest reasons, and then make my weekend plans based on that.

I will be going up there the following weekend if this weekend falls thru.

August 28, 2006
3:51 pm
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rising - Honestly, I got extremely stressed out when I read all of these options and the reasoning behind them. With loads of respect, I think that you're WAY overanalyzing this weekend. Step back for a second and take a breath, and then remind yourself that there are about a billion other weekends in your future and that you don't have to stress so bad over just this one. I know the urge to make it a perfect weekend and to accomplish all of YOUR goals, as well as, all of his "anticipated" goals, is overwhelming, but I feel like you're putting way too much pressure on yourself to make everything in your head happen in a two day period. The reality, is that you have time. Why the urgency to cram it all into one weekend? Do what YOU want to do (which is go camping at the beach) and if he fits into this plan, then great. I'm getting the sense that you're starting to obsess a little too much about the amount of time, the quality of time, the alone time, and how good of a time, you're going to have with him. Just spending ANY time should be considered a gift when the relationship is so new. Start slow, here... because you don't have a second chance to do that sort of thing. There's no "backing up" and starting over in relationships. I know you really like him, so relax and make your time together enjoyable - don't fill it with obligations, expectations, and conditions. RELAX! I feel that when you put so much thought into your time together, you're building your expectations of that time, and of him. Expectations have a tendency to disappoint us. SO, make it simple. Simple on yourself, simple on him, and simple on the two of you together.

August 28, 2006
4:10 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Shaney,

you are right about most of it.

My biggest thing is that I don't think that camping in RI is my "real goal" - tho it may sound that way.

It was an afterthought - kind of like "how can I make the most out of our weekend together".

THEN - once I thought of that option, I started comparing it to the other option - and what the benefits were. Then my other friend's feelings came into play and yeah, OVERANALYZING it is exactly what happened.

I will have many weekends together if this works out. And I WILL have more opportunities to go to RI, as well - the summer isn't over.

So, I think I am going to take a DEEP BREATH and just let go of all expectations, and see what plays out by the end of the week.

Cuz the reality is - unless I get this job, the relationship is dead in the water - so there may not be an "us" this weekend anyway.

I am trying sooooooooooo hard to do things differently....and sooooooooo scared that I am going to screw it up.

That's where the overanalyzing is coming into play....cuz if the "old me" was taking the lead - then I would have told him I would have paid for his gas to come down here and then taken him to RI and showed him a good time.

But I know that THAT would be "loving too much" and that's what I don't want to have happen.

so, gonna let things take their natural course and let him tell me what the options are for him....cuz in the end, it's not all about what I want either.

learning new habits is sooooooooo hard!!!!

In the past I would not have analyzed this, I would have gone ahead and planned a fantastic weekend, and then surprised him with it and then expect him to have a good time.

So yeah, I am learning.

August 28, 2006
4:11 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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oh, and honestly, I have NO expectations for this weekend. I just want to spend time with him - cuz we haven't had that yet....and I don't want to hurt my friends either.

and because they don't approve, I am very self concious of that.

August 28, 2006
4:32 pm
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Shaney
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I know you're trying - and you're doing REALLY well! I know how hard it is, especially starting a new relationship with all of the excitement that goes along with it. We ALWAYS want to charge ahead, full throttle, and do whatever it takes to make it work out, don't we? And don't forget that the 3 MAJOR things in your life are in limbo... your job, your home AND your personal life. Who wouldn't be high strung right now. I think you're making the right choice by just relaxing, sitting back and taking a breather. I'm sure things will happen the way they're meant to, and in their own time. I used to have my foot crammed against that gas pedal at every turn, believe me. But time and patience are the way to go... it took me a while to learn that. A lot of things present themselves in due time.

Mr. 25 sounds sweet, but I don't like the job issue. I just remember how hard you struggled with ex-ding-dong, and you really pulled yourself out of that, financially and emotionally. It was actually amazing to see. You saw his potential and held that match steady under his ass for a long time, rising... with no results. So I'm just reminding you, because I care, to fall in love with what is right in front of you, and not that fantasy that you see somewhere down the road. Someone needs to take care of YOU for a change, or at the very least, be your equal. You're a master at pushing and pulling someone to reach their potential (I'm exactly the same way). Enough of that. Save that talent for your daughter :o)... you're SUPPOSED to control her!! lol

August 28, 2006
4:37 pm
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lovinglife
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I'm with ya Rising- just a few thoughts to pass on...and boy new love is such an exciting thing : ) I know someday I'll be having the same feelings so I want to learn right along with you...

First...doing something different than your past actions to start this relationship off might just be a great way to celebrate YOUR recent growth ...so if in the past you..."often do too much in a relationship" and "usually go overboard" just chill this time around. Also because his funds are limited he just might find "your overboard" intimating.

Secondly...If YOU feel that "your jumping too fast" listen to your gut and slow it down... you want this relationship to be different than past ones...when we keep doing the same patterns we keep getting the same results.

Thirdly, "changing plans - originally, I was going up north to spend time with my friends...Then he came into the picture." This is where I think people like the *me's* REALLY go wrong- we need to keep to our original plans AND THEN work our new love interest into our lives from there. When we do it backwards we're setting ourselves up for obsessing. Does that make sense?

Then… It just stinks when others put their 2 cents in thinking of..."they think I should take my time and wait until I get up there to start dating ANYONE." BUT often others can see something that we can't see and sometimes it is good to take their advice. How long has it been since your last relationship? If it’s only been a short awhile- your friends might have some great insight for you.

And Rising- you know gf as well as myself that if the two of you are alone together- IT'S going to happen!! If you are honestly not emotionally ready- think twice about whatever plans the two of you come up with.

“I explained to him that spending quality time with him is more important than what we do, and a picnic by the river…” that is where the focus should be on- quality time together-and getting to know each other...

August 28, 2006
4:39 pm
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Shaney
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I read a couple of your posts over again, and I can see why you're concerned about your friends. And if they don't approve... yeah, it would be hard to just ditch them and run off with 25. Keep in mind that your friends want the best for you, and if they're iffy... maybe there's something to that. Another reason to take it slow. Whatever you and 25 decide to do, make sure he pays his way, period. You would be doing the both of you a disservice to set that sort of precedence right off the bat. You're not paying for anyone this time... over my dead body, in fact.

August 28, 2006
4:53 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Shaney,

No, been there, done that and won't do it again.

I have NO plans to support his ass.

Which is why I am proud of myself for not saying "I'll pay for your gas so you can come down and be with me".

I REFUSE to set that precendence.

As for the job situation - and the ex ding dong/dipshit.

When I met mr. 25, I KNEW he was "just getting by" - and didn't have a steady income.

However, his idea of "getting by" was truly okay at this point, cuz he seems to do pretty good with what he has.

He DOES work....but he is "self employed" which makes it erratic and not a steady pay.

The fact that HE came up with the idea that he has to find a real job, so he can not ruin my plans - really makes me happy....cuz I did NOTHING to provoke that. With ex dipshit/ding dong, I had to PUSH him to see why he needed to do more than he did. He didn't care about what he did to me financially....this one is ALREADY worrying about it.

What I don't want is mr. 25 thinking he has to be someone he is not to impress me....I don't want fine dining and nights out on the town, in fact, I WANT the picnics by the river, and hikes in the woods.

But, he sees that to have the life he wants, he needs more cash than he has now....and is working to come up with a plan to fix it.

I can't let my experiences with ex dipshit jade my thinking on this time around....I have to let him show me he can be different.

And I will NOT go out of my way.

In fact, his bday is next monday and I have been thinking of INEXPENSIVE gifts to get him....no more extravagant and costly....less is more and I am SURE he will love it just the same.

No, won't support this one, won't have him move in AT ALL, and won't jump the gun.

I want a partner - equal partner, and know that if I support his ass, it will always be that way.

I did learn my lesson, but reminders are ALWAYS helpful.

August 28, 2006
4:55 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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and LL - ended last relationship with ex dipshit in April, after finding out he was cheating on me again.

was with him for two years and supported his ass and got nothing but ungrateful behaviour....and blamed for everything that went wrong.

Think about it, think hard, I know you know the story....I know you were paying attention!

I am just dying to make this right this time, and that's the hardest part....keeping old habits at bay and creating new ones.

August 28, 2006
5:51 pm
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Rising,

I don't want to cause you any additional stress here, but I agree with Shaney about the money issue.

You mentioned a few times that he is doing this "on his own" without any provocation from you. Have you told him about the ex-dipshit and his financial problems? If so....there's where he got the idea. Remember the Snowblower. I told him I generally didn't date people with children....so he lied about having children. I told him that my ex was a drug addict and I didn't want anyone who did drugs....so he lied about doing drugs.

I am not suggesting that you dump him.....he may very well be sincere and fully intends on doing what he says he going to do. What I am suggesting is that you take things slowly and WATCH what he does....don't just listen to what he says.

Another thing that concerns me....

You said "ALSO - they know I am talking with him, but I am uncomfortable with them knowing I want to spend time with him because they don't approve of this - they think I should take my time and wait until I get up there to start dating ANYONE - and that I should date others - not him."

I am curious as to why your friends don't think you should date him. And the fact that you are "hiding" it from them? I agree with Shaney that there must be something to that.

I'm not trying to burst your bubble here ....I just care about you and want you to be careful. And you don't have to defend any of this to me either.....just please answer these questions honestly for yourself.

Your heart is just too big to give it away to just anybody.

Love,
Lolli

August 29, 2006
8:38 am
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risingfromtheashes
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Lolli,

NOOOOOOOOOOOO, I never mentioned the money issue with ex dipshit....the most he knows about dipshit is the cheating stuff, and the fact I loaned him money for his truck and didn't repay it.....beyond that, I haven't said a word about anything.

I learned alot from ex dipshit - primarily that talk is cheap....if it walks like a duck, it's a duck....and don't tell me what you "plan to do" - just do it. Walk the walk - don't bother me with talking the talk - it's not the talk that impresses me.....been there, did that, got burned, have the scars to prove it.

I read the quote you copied - and I think I left a part out - said "...that I should date others - not him".....SHOULD BE - "....that I should date others, NOT JUST HIM"....they don't think I should put my eggs in one basket, idea.

My friends view on him??? Honestly, it has nothing to do with him. They don't like his mom.

They live in a small community and my friends VALUE their privacy. Well, they seem to think that his mom is a blabbermouth. And when they moved up there, it was weeks before they ventured into town, and when they did, everyone already knew who they were and what they were all about.

That totally IRKED my friends. And yet, to this day, they don't know if she was the one that said anything, they say it's just an assumption. They said that if anyone wants to know anything, just go ask his mom, she knows everyone's business.

I'm not dating mom, I am dating him.....he keeps to himself....he's not the blabbermouth.

Their other concern is that I am "taking" the first that comes along and that there are plenty of fish in the sea. But I would remind anyone who says this that I have not made ANY commitment to mr. 25 and I am still free to date anyone I want at this point, and if I meet someone else, I will......my friends are concerned that it's too soon for me to pick anyone - until I am settled. I am not "hiding" anything....they know we talk on a regular basis....I just feel "funny" about spending personal time with someone at someone else's house....if I am there to visit with my friends, then it feels wrong to focus my attention on someone else.

one day at a time is my motto, and I vow to stick to that.

And I am not defending this - but putting it out there for a reality check.....often you guys see things I don't.....so if there are flaws in my logic, I would love to know about it....you guys haven't steered me wrong yet....and it's good to have a "sounding board" - make sure I am seeing the true reality here.

August 29, 2006
10:55 am
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lovinglife
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Good morning Rising~

The reason why I asked about how long its been since the break up was for a little refresher—for both you & I. My concern for myself is that I haven't completely healed yet (mine since June) - still trying to piece myself back together as well as get a little wiser than I was before. For me it's scary to think about *dating* or getting involved on any level because I know that I’m still too vulnerable and have way too many issues to work on. You mentioned..."at this time my friends are concerned that it's too soon for me to pick anyone - until I am settled." Only you can answer that- it's when YOU feel ready.

Comment on..."if I am there to visit with my friends, then it feels wrong to focus my attention on someone else." This goes back up to what I said about how the *me’s* sometimes get ourselves in trouble when we work our new love interest into our plans we had before they came into our lives- the focus all of a sudden becomes the new love interest and not our own present lives/committments. When I met *my man* I had a lot on the schedule but all of a sudden HE became my focus and then *my life* slowly took a nose dive. The saying to
“take it slow”- I now fully understand what that means. When we get so caught up in the *feel good feelings* amongst our other behaviors (co-dependent here too) it only leads to disaster/chaos/pain.

LL/Kristine

August 29, 2006
11:15 am
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risingfromtheashes
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settled, meaning moved up there....I feel very settled from the past....but I plan to move there, and they said it would be best, in their opinion, to not be involved until after I get moved in.

I think that part of codependency is worrying about what others think.

I think there is a fine line between honoring your own feelings and stomping on someone else's.

I don't want to hurt my friend's feelings or make them feel like I only came up to see him.

So, I am going to stop stressing about it and just let it play out.

As it stands, we may still go to RI, or I may go up there....will know more later in the week and I am letting it go and letting god/higher power deal with it....it's not worth stressing about....no matter where I am, I will be enjoying myself.

As far as blending him in with my friends....I think that I will just "be myself" and play it all by ear. (if I end up up there)....I will go with the flow....if they are busy, I will spend time with him....and when they are not busy, I will spend time with them....as it is, when I was there last, they were working on building their log home and tied up with that and other daily things....so it left time for me to do my own thing. I am JUST stressing....I want to be a responsible adult about all this and not a lunatic codependent who doesn't pay attention to what's going on around her.

I believe it will all turn out fine....if I move up there, I will have all the time in the world to pursue this relationship....I am in NO hurry.

Thanks for the input....it's nice to know I am not the only crazy one out there!!

Rising/Alice

August 29, 2006
12:00 pm
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lollipop3
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Rising,

Yes, we do know that talk is cheap, don't we.

August 29, 2006
12:27 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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YES we do!

And the difference is, last time, I said it alot - and didn't enforce the consequences.

So, in a way, I was as bad as he was....talking, talking, talking. Instead of doing something about it.

NOW - I refuse to talk - I will live thru my actions.

Mr. 25 needs to show thru actions as well.

And I feel like I am strong enough to walk away, should anything happen that I am not comfortable with.

And I am equally as comfortable with taking things slow - and not jumping feet first into the shark infested shallow end.

I will walk the walk, as well as expect the same.

I won't be coming back here, hanging my head low because I talked the talk, didn't walk the walk and then paid the consequences.

I wanna do it right this time.

August 29, 2006
12:38 pm
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Shaney
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Rising - Great attitude :o). I think relaxing and going with the flow will produce the best results in this case. How's the diet going?

August 29, 2006
12:48 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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down 38 - actually 36 now, as I let myself slide (notice the taking responsibility here???LOL) the LAST day at the fair, and had some ribbon cut "french fries" which were just about the same as homemade potato chips....I also have found myself drinking too much diet soda and not enough water.....and not getting enough sleep.

All that factors into a water weight gain of 2 lbs, which I am NOT stressing over since I lost 4 lbs last week and my hair is falling out in globs because of it.

So, slowing it down is better.

I am in size 18 jeans and they are showing some signs of bagginess, so I know I will be heading to the attic to go shopping soon....woohoo!

My dad saw me last night, and said "wow, you really HAVE lost some weight, haven't you"....it's usually the 40 lb mark he really notices....and while it wasn't an outright compliment, it was his way of complimenting me and there was no hidden message in it. So it felt good.

I FEEL GOOD, mentally and physically, so that's what matters.

I am excited about the move, because it will give me the opportunity to get outside and feel the sun more often.

I really need to tell myself to just relax and go with it.

I started a new thing yesterday - I have two email addresses, and I sent a "letter to god" from one to the other. I don't really "get" the whole praying thing, but someone suggested to just talk to him like you would write in a journal or something.

so, I am doing that....and I feel more relaxed and at peace.

I see things I am doing wrong and I am working to improve them.

I really think that no matter what the outcome of all this, I have shown myself that I HAVE learned from my mistakes, I HAVE grown and it has restored my confidence ten fold. I feel good about the future, and I am not obsessing about it, as much as I used to.

I certainly haven't planned the wedding already, and tho his bday is monday, I haven't put much thought into the gift or what I will do....I saw the opportunity to do the same as I have in the past, and I chose to go a different route this time....and confident it's the right choice.

I guess my biggest anxiety comes from wanting to do this right.

I am not anxious for the relationship to work, or the job, or the housing.....so that's MAJOR improvement. Previously that's where my anxiety would come from "how do I make this work".

Instead, I am more concerned with doing it right.

But, no matter how right I do it, there will always be room for improvement.....so I gotta keep reminding myself that it's about progress and not perfection.

I spoke to my friend today about the weekend and it looks like they will be pretty busy framing the house, as they finally got the foundation walls done and the husband is working all week, so their weekend will be all the time they have to do it....so that will give me free time to spend with mr. 25.....worry free.

All this anxiety for nothing!!!

If I move up there, I will have all the time in the world to pursue this.....so there truly is no rush.....and if I don't move, then this relationship is not in the cards at this time.

so, gonna chill and any time I get anxious, will write here, or write my entry to "god" via my email.

thanks for bringing me down from my panic attack!

August 29, 2006
6:36 pm
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Awe ...you brought yourself there. You came up with a solution that feels good. Thank you for your example and also to Rising and loving too. Thanks

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