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On being nice
October 13, 2003
2:59 pm
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Anonymous
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My inner critic gives me hell most days because my colleague at work is much better liked than myself. She's better liked because she is much nicer than me. She is much nicer than me because she (admittedly) puts a lot of effort into hiding who she really is and acting towards each person the way she knows that person likes. I don't see anything negative in what she does. I could do that too, but I don't want to, because I prefer to be myself (not that I try to hurt anyone, but I don't pretend to feel what I'm not feeling or exaggerate my positive feelings). I would want someone, just someone, to appreciate that in me. I would like there to exist one person, at least, who would think: "I appreciate Mafi more because I prefer people who feel more genuine to me". It's not that I would like to be as popular as her, I can live without it. But I crave for someone, at least ONE person, to prefer me !

My sister too, like my colleague, is extremely nice (feigned) to people who are not close to her, and everyone likes her extremely, for that reason.

I don't mean that I would like everyone to like me better. I mean that I would so love for someone to prefer my more authentic approach ! I'd love to hear, one day, something like "I really like your more authentic way of being, it's something I appreciate more than the feigned sweetness".

I want to stress that I'm not mean or aggressive or anything like that in general. I just don't put on a sweet face and ask about the cat and the dog and the nail that broke while I think about something else. I do understand perfectly that they're nicer than me and I don't have a problem with that. But I would want ONE person to prefer MY approach !!

October 13, 2003
4:53 pm
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Ladeska
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I PREFER YOUR APPROACH!! Do I count??? (smile) I know what you mean though - you'd like to have someone in real life that you are around to feel that way. I've always had a habit of picking close girlfriends that were like that. I've had some pretty mouthy ones, too! LOL! Gotta love em!! But yes, I prefer that, most definitely. I hate false pravado. Annoys the hell out of me. I can do it as far as being polite to an extent, it's just that I won't go very far with it.

Most people feel very uncomfortable with that kind of honest approach or they misread it and think since you're not like the rest - then must be mean. People aren't always as intelligent as you might want to give them credit for. They don't really think that deeply about what you are doing and why. The elevator just doesn't go that far up for some when it comes to deeper meanings. And this would qualify as "them thinking deeply" for the most part. LOL!

It's just that we do applaud the atmosphere that helps lies to grow - more than we applaud the one that helps truth to prosper. And we lie about that profusely. The very ones who are the most false - are the ones that proclaim the LOUDEST that they are for truth and yet will turn right around and do everything in their power to support and push forward the people who lie expertly.

I know the friends I've had like this - always get mistaken for being rude and I laugh because there is a big difference in being honest - yet tactful - and rude to just be mean. Sometimes saying the truth can be brutal and I think we must use wisdom about things like this. A wise man does not always speak everything he knows or tell all he sees kind of thing. There is a season for some truths to come forward...a time in which they need to be divulged. It's like we have to learn how to use our laser beam or else we cut our nose off to spite our face. I've done that a few times. Smarts.

So anyways, I hope my vote counts for something!!

October 13, 2003
6:22 pm
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free
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Both styles of interacting with people have their positives and negatives. People may "like" the nicer person because they are generally more enjoyable to be around. Your strength is that you are trusted more and it is known that you are reliable. I wouldn't ask the "nice" person what she thought bout my outfit if I wanted an honest answer. Personally, I tend to ignore the "nice all the time" people because they are not willing to share themselves with me. That frightens me a bit. I don't like not knowing what it is a person is hiding from me. I keep my distance because I don't trust them.

free

October 13, 2003
6:49 pm
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mj
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I hear what your saying Mafi...but how do you ever really know if its a front...being nice, or just learned social politeness.

I personally like people who share honestly and are nice at the same time.

I don't see anything wrong with the way you present yourself....I've thought you were nice as well.

Maybe you worry too much what others think. Just Be...and Enjoy!

October 14, 2003
12:54 am
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free
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I was under the impression that the reference is to people who are overly nice- phony. I don't mean to be judgemental in a mean way when I say that I prefer to ignore them, I just find it frightening to trust them or become close to them in any way. They don't seem "human" - they don't seem to recognize negative thoughts or feelings. With that in mind, how could I possibly trust them to respond objectively and supportively to mine. So I don't.

free

October 14, 2003
1:59 pm
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Thank you all ! Answering one by one:

Ladeska,

"I PREFER YOUR APPROACH!!"

I know. I thought about you when I wrote that. I remember you said it a couple times. Maybe it's because you said it in the past that I started thinking about it at all. I think it's positive that I have at least discovered the desire. It says I feel a certain sense of deserving, probably...

"The elevator just doesn't go that far up for some"

I read it when I got up before going to work, and I've been laughing since ! Brilliant expression !!! Yours? Soooo well put !

You DO count, of course. Sometimes I forget that on the other side of my monitor glass there is a human being...

I loved your post, I agree with everything you say.

free,

"Your strength is that you are trusted more and it is known that you are reliable."

Thanks for the encouragement, and for making me aware of this !

mj,

You're right, I don't equate being honest with being hurtful. I think that truth never blames others but accepts personal responsibility. I'm not unnice, but niceness like hers beats mine...she calls people 'sweetheart' even when behind their backs she hates them, and she behaves towards her newer friends in ways that I couldn't possibly beat: small thoughtful presents, she's the one who accomodates and comes to their houses, asks them a million questions to show concern, etc. She's soooo loved ! But then again, I was thinking maybe it's not all those sweet feigning things she does that make people love her more. Maybe it's the fact that by doing those things, she is showing them that she is interested in the relationship, much more than I show. I think there may be something there... And she does get used often too...

free,

"I was under the impression that the reference is to people who are overly nice- phony."

Yes, that's exactly what I meant. I didn't want to say 'phoney' but that is the best way to describe what I meant. I don't trust them either, but I can see why people in general like them better...

I just have to tell my inner hangman to shut up when he starts putting me down and comparing me with her !

Thank you all again !!!

October 14, 2003
9:49 pm
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mafi, count me in too :d, yes really, isnt this world so fake? everyone seems to be hiding *something* hehe

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