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On Antidepressants but still Suicidal & Apathy!
June 2, 2005
12:55 pm
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ACryForHelp
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Hi,
This is gonna be a long one as well but as you might know by now I am VERY long winded… Sorry!

K, I’ve been on Wellbutrin since December 2004 & I think it’s working because I have been hurting myself less & not crying as much & I THINK that the intrusive thoughts have lessened but I am still thinking about Suicide ALL THE TIME.

I have tried about 5 times (I’ve decided a few other times were just unheard cry’s for help) in the last 5 years & I have decided that I am practically immortal so trying again would just be pointless because there’s a 99% chance that I’ll wake up in the morning. & I REFUSE to use a gun because I am TOTALLY for our Second Amendment Rights & REFUSE to become a poster child for the leftist’s that are trying to chip away at what they don’t like in the bill of rights. It’s not the GUNS that Kill People; it’s the REALLY STUPID PEOPLE that USE the guns to Kill People! My family & I use them for Responsible Recreation!

But back to the Thread… I am CONSTANTLY thinking about WANTING to kill myself & just get this BS over with but I am now too chicken to do it. I feel like I’m just waiting for my father to eventually pass away so I can end this hell. He is pretty much the only thing other than my cat that has kept me here. He is the only person in my family that has taken responsibility for his actions/inactions & honestly apologized for everything he did/didn’t do that lead to my childhood abuse by my mother.

The rest of my family could all curl up & die because they have conveniently forgotten the 2:00am calls begging them to help me because my mother was trying to stab me, shoot at me, kill my cat, or knocked my crutches out from under me so I had to crawl to the phone while she kicked me after my 2 hip surgeries because she claimed that I poured out another bottle of Gin to keep her from drinking it.

And they not only deny that anything like that happened but they constantly tell me to just get over it or that I’m exaggerating the situation for attention.

The one time I confronted my grandmother & my aunt they both argued with me because “Something like that couldn’t happen in OUR family…” & when I asked them to take responsibility & just admit that I told them from the age of 8 up that I needed help so that I can start trying to heal they both just got sarcastic & said “Well I’m sorry that I didn’t stop something that I didn’t know was going on and that you just can’t get on with your life!”

I feel that the other issues connected with my depression are lessening but the suicidal thoughts just won’t go away.

Is that normal? Does that mean that the drugs aren’t working? This is the 4th antidepressant that I have tried (Paxil, C-something, Depicote, & now Wellbutrin.

My gen. Practitioner put me on the Paxil & gave me like 3 months worth of samples & said, “Go find a physiatrist” but I couldn’t get an appointment for at least 3 months (& I called Dozens of Doctors & told them it was an emergency but I still had to wait) so after my samples ran out the Gen. Prac. Refused to give me more samples so I didn’t have any choice but to stop cold turkey & it almost killed me because of the withdrawal that caused pain, bright flashes of light that blinded me for like 2 sec’s at a time WHILE I WAS DRIVING HOME FROM SCHOOL on the highway, & a dozen other horrible things.

The Depicote I found out was for seizures & people that hear voices & it caused me to almost hurt my best friend & I was just angry all the time. The Doctor put ALL his patients on it…I talked to them in the waiting room…& it seemed like almost no one on it needed it! He gave them out like Sweet Tarts!

The one that started with a C kinda worked but it had really bad sexual side effects that I couldn’t deal with. (I told my doctor that I was numb from the neck down & he said to give it another week & if it didn’t go away then he’d switch me to something else & replied with “K, I’ll keep on trying!” & I didn’t realize why he was laughing until I hung up! ROFLMAO)

& now the Wellbutrin seems to work MOST of the time. My current Dr. upped my dose from 300mg to 450mg about 2 months ago & it seems to be working better but when I PMS I get depressed, cry, want to hurt myself, want to kill myself, & can barely function, while the Suicidal Thoughts are there for the rest of the month.

These meds have worked better than anything else I have tried so I am hesitant to switch.

I know that drugs are not the solution to my problems so I expected some of my symptoms to still work their way through but I would rather have flashbacks then be hopeless & suicidal 10X a day. The only other symptoms that work their way through are nightmares, intrusive thoughts about my ex & my Mother, & INTENSE APATHY!

The Apathy is also a major problem. I can’t even get the kitchen clean & do paperwork in a day. I just stair off into space for long periods of time or start a task then end up wandering around the house ending up with more work to be done then when I started!

Should the pills be helping with that too? The apathy is actually MORE destructive then the suicidal thoughts!!

I just don’t know what to do!

June 2, 2005
1:23 pm
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kathygy
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You may need to be on a different drug for depression. I take effexor and it works very well. Are in therapy as well? The suicidal thoughts could be depression turned inwards. You may be so very angry at your mother but not allow yourself to feel it. Your mother is very abusive and an alcoholic I take it. You have right to feel very angry at her.

June 2, 2005
1:37 pm
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ACryForHelp
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Unfortunately I don’t have health insurance yet so I can barely pay for my Meds let alone see a psychologist.

My mother was in a horrible accident when she was younger & had horrible health problems that led to her becoming addicted to her pain killers & she combined them with booze so they would ‘work better’ but after we moved to AZ the weather made her feel better but she wouldn’t give up the substances. She also had A LOT of mental problems & ended up killing herself in 1997. (My sophomore year in HS)

But back to the Medication Issue. What should the meds be doing for me?

It is a great relief to be able to not cry all the time & even though I feel run down all the time I don’t need to sleep for 14 hours in order to function anymore.

Before the meds I would be almost unable to think because of the intrusive thoughts about my mother & my ex so I ALWAYS had to have headphones on, the TV on Really Loud, or be Reading a book…ANYTHING to stop MY thoughts from getting through. If I FOCUSED really hard on something else I could block them out.

With the meds I can see the pattern start & say out loud “NO! Stop it!!! That never happened!” & it is usually enough to stop the loop or at least interrupt it long enough to focus on something else.

I only cry now during PMS & unless something happens to get me REALLY angry & wound up I don’t have the urge to hurt myself.

So the only 3 real symptoms that are breaking through the meds are the Apathy, Suicidal Thoughts, & periodic Nightmares.

I don’t conceder my dependence on Melatonin/Tylenol PM to get to sleep a problem because I am naturally nocturnal & become MORE awake at night then in the day. Once I GET to sleep I usually stay asleep unless a nightmare wakes me up & 90% of the time the dreams aren’t bad enough to wake me up. I just remember them I the morning.

So do those 3 symptoms breaking through mean that the meds aren’t working or is it normal that some of the symptoms should break through?

I know that there is no “Magic Pill” that will cure all my ills so I don’t know what Should & Should Not be considered normal with Antidepressants!

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