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On a new path!
October 22, 2003
7:45 am
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Hermione
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Just wanted to say hi and ramble on for a bit!
I'm here in my new life without a husband and its not all bad. Thought someone might find this next bit funny and get a giggle. I'm sitting here at my computer with my face painted like the queen of the sea!! No - I haven't gone over the edge - I went to a Birthday Party for one of my son's friends this afternoon and there was a lady painting faces so I thought 'what the hey'. I haven't washed it off yet - I wore it to drop off my son at a babysitters whilst I went to choir earlier - gave everyone a bit of a giggle. Feels a bit silly but I guess my whole life feels a bit silly right now!
What else can I do - I have to go on. I had a massage today with Reiki - was wonderful even though I had to go back to work afterwards ( atleast I smelt nice!! ). I'm not crying so much any more. I'm attempting to put my energy into working out how I am going to achieve my dreams on my own with my son without the husband and three step children. It feels a bit complicated but I'm giving myself a break knowing that I don't have to achieve it all in a day. I have no clue where my husband is or what he is doing/thinking. I am still missing him a lot. Its like my whole marriage was just a dream/nightmare that I woke up from and I'm back where I was before I met him. It feels like it was a waste of life even though I did get to learn new 'life lessons'. I can't help feeling used.
I'm dreading the next few months of sorting out our possessions and being in contact with him if there is no other way. Its like I know him well enough to believe that he will be proud and smarmy, calculating and ruthless, it will all be like a business deal with him needing to be in the 'control seat'.
I'm trying to give myself time to just come to terms with what has happened - its been so quick - less than a month - I'm not ready yet to pack his things, organise furniture etc. - I need that energy for myself right now. I feel at a disadvantage as he has been through separation and divorce before - I'm not really sure of what to expect.
I thought I had met my life partner but here I am starting all over again. I'm just trying to come to terms with this part - the material stuff is way down on my list but its at the top of his. How do I do all of this at the same time?
I am only beginning to regain myself, with no need to justify, explain, analyse, argue - I have realised that I have missed me a lot and finding me again is the most important thing at the moment!
Now to wash off this face paint and see who is really under there!

October 22, 2003
10:18 am
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evi
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It is good to feel a little crazy and do things for a laugh. I think it is great,you sound like a person I would want to be around, someone who is fun and likes to have fun (big difference ya know).

I think you are incredable, I am pround of your strength and think you are doing the right thing. You do need time for you and you should take it. Material things are just that, material. It sounds like if he came back into your life, you wouldn't need him. Sure it may easy to do, because you know him and you have a past, but would it be because he loved you or for convience?

I think you should put yourself and your son first, like you are doing and continue to take one day at time, like you are doing. You will make it! I pray that if I am ever in your situation I can have such a positive attitude! I am sure you will have down days, but that is part of it, I guess.

Hang in there I am pulling for you! I think you should dress up for Halloween and go trick or treating with your son!

Take care

October 22, 2003
2:15 pm
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arwen
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Goddess Woman,

I get the feeling you are doing a great job at managing your life and the things you have ahead of you. I think it can be easy to distract yourself as if there is "nothing" left to do after the dissolution of a marriage or other committed relationship, and then find out that there was all kinds of stuff waiting to pounce. Good for you for looking down the road as far as you can and still finding the energy to have fun!

Now I feel like painting my face!!!

Love,

Arwen

October 22, 2003
11:26 pm
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Hermione
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Arwen and Eve,
Thanks for responding, Arwen I feel like I have found the goddess within and she tries to help me nurture myself and make my life fun so Goddess Woman it is!!!!. That universal god/godess energy that is free to tap into anytime and doesn't impinge on anyone!!! Hopefully I will learn to stop and tap in more - taking all the time I need to heal from this disappointment in my life. Part of me feels like it is on the verge of tipping over into a life that is full of all the things I want for myself and my child - I'm letting that feeling build - being patient with myself - knowing that it will continue to build until it feels like there is no other option but to just 'go for it!!' I guess you might understand the nature of this as an artist yourself- its like a piece of work that nags me until I have to acknowledge it and make it a reality.

Eve, thanks for your affirmations. I truly appreciate it as you are right - not everyday is quite so bright - I am just enjoying the fun ones and bearing the more difficult ones.I'm trying not to give in to fears about the future as they are only imaginings at this stage - I do have that feeling like something is waiting to pounce but it is not a reality yet and it may not even happen - I'm sticking with the present moment as much as I can to gain strength to deal with moments like that if in fact they do happen.

Hope you are both well, and that this finds you with warmth in your hearts and smiles on your faces. What are your paths like at the moment??

October 24, 2003
8:25 am
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Ela
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Hermione, hugs to you and your son during this difficult time. You sound like you are being a good friend to yourself and taking the time to do things to make yourself feel good, that's fantastic. You seem to have a good perspective on things as you work through them by your thought patterns expressed. You come accross as a strong lady. Where were you a year ago, you would have been great for me ๐Ÿ™‚

I wish you all that you need.

October 24, 2003
10:54 pm
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Hermione
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Thanks Ela,

Well I guess I haven't always considered myself 'strong' - thanks!! I think I have learnt positive ways to deal with issues as they arise and that I do know how to take care of myself in times of crisis - I guess this is being 'strong'.
My sadness is coming from the fact that I saw my husband as someone similar to me. He had also dealt with a lot in his life and had overcome many difficulties. I see now that he was gaining a lot of his strength and esteem through me. I was able to allow this for quite a while but eventually I needed to hold my energy closer to myself for my own health. On reflection, it was from this point that everything started to break down - his behaviour changed as he was no longer getting what he needed - he was not able to express his needs openly and therefore resorted to acting out to punish me. I could see his behaviour for what it was and did my best to use positive strategies to deal with it - I even went to see my counsellor to know how best to communicate with him - but he would do his best to 'undo' any positive changes to remain 'in the cycle'.
We faced many challenges together and each time I was able to learn and grow - now I am back to facing them on my own and hopefully my path of self awareness will continue to bring me joy and clarity.
My husband is dealing with a lot of anger right now, he is feeling very vulnerable as he is not getting his own way. I know it would take a lot for him to access the help he needs at this time - I just hope that he does get some help so that he doesn't continue to hurt people in this way. Although I have these feelings of compassion where I just want to hug him and tell him he is going to be OK, I know that I have done all that I can - its up to him now to nuture the little boy inside who continues to act out and hurt everyone around him.
He needs his possessions to feel 'in control'. I know that I am a fair and reasonable person - he knows this too. I am determined to get through this next stage of sorting out our possessions with dignity and well thought out boundaries - its all so sad.
All in all it is lonely but bearable with brighter days on the horizon.

Ela - what were you going through a year ago and where are you at now??

October 24, 2003
11:10 pm
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unhappy camper
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"Its like my whole marriage was just a dream/nightmare that I woke up from and I'm back where I was before I met him. It feels like it was a waste of life even though I did get to learn new 'life lessons'. I can't help feeling used."

and

" I just hope that he does get some help so that he doesn't continue to hurt people in this way. Although I have these feelings of compassion where I just want to hug him and tell him he is going to be OK, I know that I have done all that I can - its up to him now to nuture the little boy inside who continues to act out and hurt everyone around him."

Those are both amazing. Your strength is admirable. You are hurt but don't seem into self pity.

I admire that. You are a winner.

๐Ÿ™‚

October 25, 2003
5:11 am
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Hermione
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Thanks camper,

Funny you should mention 'self pityโ€™ as I do have my moments - like everyone else - but I have learnt to write down how I am feeling during times of self pity to be able to gain perspective to see where my feelings are coming from.

Just before my husband left he found some of my writing and used it against me in leaving. I was not ashamed of what I had written - it was self therapeutic - I could own the untruths within it but I needed to write them down to see it.
My husband didn't wait around to listen to my reasoning or to try and understand - it gave him the impetus to do what he had wanted to do for quite some time. (It seems!)

Don't get me all wrong here - yes I am being strong and doing all the things I need to do to feel OK but I am also damn angry, upset, frightened and confused as well!!!
Sounds fairly normal to me under the circumstances!!! Donโ€™t mean to direct my anger at you camper โ€“ sorry โ€“ I tried to take it out on the weeds in the garden this afternoon but I guess thereโ€™s still a bit left over!

Your post has been very helpful actually as it has helped me realise that I am going through much less self pity now that he is gone โ€“ Why is that????

October 30, 2003
6:48 am
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Ela
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Hermione, you show a deep respect for yourself by acknowledge what you are going through and taking steps to cope and process it. You also acknowledge things that your husband is or may be going through, but know that the responsibility lies with him to do something about it. Many people would try to bury their feelings by focusing on other things or people because it is painful, but you seem to see it as a necessary part of the healing process.

I find this very inspirational and know that you are going to be OK. Understandable your feelings waver at times, but you show conviction to turn that around without becoming lost.

I ended a 7 year relationship this time last year with an alcoholic. I had been unlucky in love and was determine to make it work with him because I was afraid of being alone. Initially it was verbal abuse and it was rare, but he wasn't telling me anything I didn't already think of myself.

Eventually I grew to like and respect myself so the balance of the relationship changed and his efforts to get me back in my place went from intimidation to actual abuse. It was so hard because he was generally wonderful and I so wanted to have the good person he could be stay.

I have no kids, I moved home, I'm studying, working part time, trying to establish new friendships by taking up activities like dancing and martial arts. It's been hard having very little support and letting go of some of the unhealthy friendships I had.

I'm happy to be on my own relationship wise for the first time which is great. Friends who knew better what I needed (yeah right) pushed me into dating a few months back but he turned out to be possessive and I wasn't ready so I gave him the flick. Scared me off the dating scene and confirmed I wasn't ready.

I had a makeover go wrong in April and that rocked my self esteem which was an issue I didn't want to address on top of everything else, but my hair is growing back.

I've learnt alot and now I've taken the time to reconcile the past, I want to make better choices for the
future. Right now, I just don't know what they are but the steps I am taking will hopefully lead the way as they will for you.

Take care ๐Ÿ™‚

October 30, 2003
5:14 pm
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Hermione
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Hi Ela - I can really identify with this bit

"It was so hard because he was generally wonderful and I so wanted to have the good person he could be stay."

I am finding the hardest part is when I think about all the good things he did, how helpful he could be, how loving kind and generous.
I know I deserve all of this from someone without all the other stuff. It pains me to know how long it is going to be before I can open myself up to someone new - with my new radar - maybe no one will fit the bill!!
For now I am happy to see this time as being just for me - I can concentrate on my son, career, friends etc. and learn how not to let this happen again.
It was good to hear your story - thanks for sharing - you sound like you are well on your way - I would recommend the book I am reading at the moment by Barbara Sher - "You could do anything if only you knew what it was" I know what I want to do with my life - which is great - but I have let so many things get in the way of achieving this - not anymore!!!
I love spending time with friends - I go to choir and play instruments with friends - they really know how to make me laugh - what kind of dance do you do? I need to take up some more physical activity to deal with some of this anger - I've been walking and gardening - its spring here - beautiful - dancing sounds good.
Thanks again Ela

November 2, 2003
5:10 am
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Ela
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I will definately look out for that book, I love to read.

I'm doing jazz ballet. I'm uncoordinated but I'm getting better and it's fun. What I love most is Ninjitsu martial arts. I'm constantly supporting bruises at the moment but it's building my confidence, patience, coordination, dispensing some anger, keeping me fit and the people are great - some are starting to warm up to me since I've been going for a few months and they know I'm sticking around.

I also wonder if I will find someone who has the same or similar wonderful qualities are my ex. He did wonderful, thoughtful things for me everyday but the next guy will have other wonderful, thoughtful things of his own to share with me so it will be good and different. Who wants comparisons anyway right.

Take care.

November 2, 2003
6:11 am
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Hermione
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Jazz ballet sounds really daring to me - I feel too old at my ripe old age of 31 Lol!! - I'm not sure what type of dance I would be suited to but I'd like to learn funky moves that are up to date.

The weeds in the garden copped my anger again today - its looking great!!! Its good to see a positive outcome from an emotion that can be so negative and destructive.

The last two days I've been wanting to ring my husband and really let him have it - all my anger - I have no real intention - I know it would do no good to continue giving my energy away - so I've been writing him letters that I will never send, instead - it seems to be working as the feeling subsides soon after - my friend suggested that I actually say it out loud to make sure that it really gets out - I haven't tried this yet - feels a bit silly!! Its so frustrating to feel so angry, disappointed, sad and still in love all at the same time. I'm working through it and thats the main thing I guess.

Hugs to you Ela - H

November 2, 2003
2:36 pm
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gro2glo
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Ela and Hermione, thanks for talking about the experiences you've been going thru on your way to being whole. I could identify with alot of what you said. my ex also did many very thoughtful things for me, but then he could turn on me like a hyde/jekyle {sp} without a bat of the eye. It's hard to keep recovering from that all the time. Especially when he expected me to sluff it off when it happened, and pretend that it never did. If that doesn't make you crazy nothing will!!You begin to wonder which one of you is worse off!! Finally it really didn't matter, I just wanted to feel better!! thanks for sharing

November 3, 2003
1:30 am
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Hermione
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Hi Gro2glo - where did your new path take you? What do you do for fun?
H

November 3, 2003
8:39 pm
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Ela
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Hermione, I'm 31 too so your definately not too old to start dancing. Go for it if it takes your fancy, it's all in good fun and it doesn't matter how silly you look. I crack up when I catch myself in the mirror sometimes and that's half the fun.

You know talking out loud may seem silly but I've found it therapeutic. Sometimes I talk into a tape recorder and answer myself back in a positive fashion or how I perceive the person I am talking to would and go from there. If I don't know what to say, I turn off the tape and think about it, then respond. It's also good for rehersal when you have something to say to someone cause you can go through all the possibilities and ensure you are prepared when the time comes so you don't say something you'll regret. I talk to my teddy too at times, he's a great listener *smile*.

Gro2glo, glad to hear from you and glad that you have got something positive from this thread. Would love to hear your story if you would like to share.

Take care and hugs to you both.

November 4, 2003
1:23 am
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Hermione
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Ela - you are so inspiring - I was amazed to find that we are the same age - I'm going to do it - I'm going to find somewhere that I can learn to dance - I know that I will feel totally unco but I'm not afraid to be embarrassed - if I can find an outlet to express myself physically - I'm sure it will be good for me. You've got me all excited about it now! Thanks

November 6, 2003
2:50 am
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Hermione
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One brief phone call and I'm mush!! It was quick - just about stuff being collected tomorrow (by a courier thank God!)- It hurt to hear him so happy and uncaring. It made me angry too - I have been so hurt by what he has done and it is taking everything I have just to put on a brave face and get on with my life. I find it so frustrating that this one small interchange has left me feeling so low. It hurts so much that he doesn't care and maybe never did - I was but a stepping stone in his life and I feel so trodden on!. I know I will be OK but I am shocked by how easily I have been undone.
H

November 9, 2003
8:24 am
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Ela
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I use to make a conscious effort to make sure I sounded happy and like I didn't care when coming into contact with my ex as we broke up throughout our relationship on a number of occasions. I didn't want him to know what I was really going through and it is possible that your ex is doing the same.

Men are quite good at hiding their true feelings, especially if he is old school and does not know how to express them. He may even believe that what he protraits is real but is it? Is he sending the courier for your comfort or for his? Quick phone call huh - why? Wouldn't of been because he was highly emotional and need to get it over with before the guard dropped? Despite best efforts believe me, he is not emotionally baron, this has effected him. Maybe he has recovered quicker, maybe he has buried it, who knows really, but it has no reflection on you because it is about him and how he has chosen to adjust.

Now slap, you seem to have taken the focus off yourself. *smile* You are strong and highly caple of putting this in better perspective so here we go - there are three windows of perception. 1. The automatic conclusion you latch onto (not always health and normally to our own detriment), 2. what really happened (just the plain facts) and 3. all the possibilities (brainstorm, there are hundreds of them for every situation, try it, silly ones make you laugh).

Yes, the possibility that he never cared is there, but so are lots of others that I think your pain is blocking out at the moment.

It's O.K. that you got all mushy, you don't have to cope all the time. You won't be strong all the time. You won't feel good all the time. I admire that you are going through this with your eyes wide open. Sometimes you will need to close them, that's not bad, that self preservation until you are ready to see and move up the ladder. When you get stuck, lean on someone until you are ready, that's O.K. too. You will get there in your time.

I know I don't know the full facts of your situation and I hope that what I have learnt from my experiences brings some comfort.

I'm glad you are going dancing, look forward to hearing about it. Be kind to yourself, my thoughts are with you. Take care. Hugs.

November 9, 2003
10:19 am
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All of my life, I was very shy and withdrawn. Had to do with my mother keeping me isolated from others as a child (whole 'nother story) but anyway, I never had much 'fun' in my life. Not to be morbid, but a few years ago, when I was in my mid forties, I started thinking, what would they say about me in my obituary. She was an avid........, she liked to do..........,she was involved with........... Well, there was nothing!!!!! So I wrote a list of things that I found interesting and would like to do/learn. And I pushed myself to do these things. And I am slowly putting check marks next to all that I have accomplished. I will be 50 in March and I'm about half way through my list. And do I ever feel good. I decided that I wanted to learn how to shoot a gun. Had never even touched one before. And now I compete on a regular basis at a local range and am actually pretty good! I decided that I wanted to ride a motorcycle. So I took a 3 day course (highly recommended) and now ride my Suzuki 650 on a regular basis. I wanted to learn to shoot pool so I took lessons at a local billards club. I'm not very good but it's fun. I played the piano as a kid but hadn't played in about 30 years. I had my old piano tuned, bought some sheet music and starting teaching myself to play again. Next summer, I plan to take sailing lessons. What I've learned is that while I'm not a 'people' person and will never be comfortable in large group activities - there are still things I can do to have fun. And pushing myself to get out there and learn these things has been a major boost to my self esteem. Especially when it comes to relationships. My last relationship, I again made a bad choice but this time, I didn't stay for years. Only a few months. Because I wasn't in this relationship for the wrong reasons. I always felt that I 'needed' someone. That I had no life without a companion. That I needed a man to be able to enjoy life. Well, what a difference when you have your own life. As soon as I realized that this man was wrong for me, I was able to get out because I didn't have to wonder - who will I do things with? - Yes, it still hurt and yes, it was still hard to do but I have so much to occupy my time, things that I enjoy, that I don't have time to dwell on it, like I did in the past. I still have a long way to go, but at least now I feel like I'm on the right road. Do whatever moves you. You're never to old. Age is just a number.

November 9, 2003
10:43 am
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mj
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I like your idea of making goals and doing them one at a time. I agree that were never to old to learn something new.

November 10, 2003
1:31 am
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Hermione
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Thanks guys - its like as long as I have no contact I am OK - I'm not shutting myself away but I am dreading the inevitable physical contact that will one day take place. Especially after experiencing the affects of a short call.

We live in a relatively small town so chances are that we will be confronted with each other at some point. I do not know what I would say. I do not know what feelings will come up. I am especially concerned about how my son will react to his presence - that dealing with my son's emotions may divert my attention from my own feelings within the situation. There is also the possibility that I will encounter his children either on their own, with their Mum or with him and the same problem presents itself in terms of myself and my son. I don't want to jump into defending myself or trying to be nice - I just want to be 'real' and respond to the situation as it occurs.

I want to feel prepared - even if what I plan for doesn't eventuate I feel the need to know what I would like to do. There has been no closure - other than what I have given myself and my son - that he has broken his promises to us, that we are OK without him, its OK to be angry/sad and grieve. I don't want to 'put on the happy face' when I see him - I want to be able to express my true feelings within the moment.

At our last point of contact, during counseling he attempted to give me a face that was 'sympathetic'- this did not fit the situation and when I didn't respond to it he changed to a 'matter of fact' face - then 'angry'. His charms were not having their affect so he got mad. It all feels rather pathetic. I need to work on some standard answers/lines that I can rely on in a confrontation.

I know that what I am feeling and going through is 'normal'. Thanks for helping me out and sharing your experiences - they do help.

Deemah - I have been following a similar path to the one you talk about - with the help of Barbara Sher's Book - You could do anything if only you knew what it was. It has helped me with goal setting and looking at how I CAN achieve everything I want to - acknowledging the blocks and preparing to get on with it. I do have a life - it just seemed to get pushed aside with my husband's demanding presence.

It is really helpful to hear how you have all taken control of your own lives - it lets me know that I am on a good path.

H

November 10, 2003
8:19 am
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Ela
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Good to hear from you deehmah, I like your style.

Hermione, your sounding better.

Hi MJ.

Gro2glo, you still checking in?

November 11, 2003
5:10 am
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Hermione
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I've been doing lots of writing - trying to get the words I want to say - lots of angry stuff with lots of insults - fun but not what I want to say to him in person!! Its like nothing seems right - I guess I have nothing to say to him - maybe "I really have nothing to say to you" is what I need to say!! Oh duh!!

On a lighter note - I am getting on with life - I have a builder coming tomorrow to finish off my son's room -everything has been on hold for such a long time - its good to feel the energy flowing again! My son is excited - he needs something special right now and its making me feel good too.

I haven't had much luck with finding a dance class - there may be something in the next town but that means travel etc. - I'll keep looking - I guess I've moved on to getting my anger out through more writing - I've got to get more batteries for my handheld recorder to try the tape thing you suggested Ela - tomorrow!!

Deemah - I admire your willingness to be a beginner. You are proof that by taking one step at a time I will make it!

H

November 12, 2003
6:06 am
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Hermione
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Well I'm really pissed off at the moment - the builder came as planned - he had given me a quote and said he could get the job done in a day - well I've been ripped off - yeah - he's charged me for a days work but has achieved less than a third of the work he said he would do - here I was trying to do something nice for my son and its all a complete mess - I had to move everything out of his room for the guy to get it done and now I've had to sack him - pay him for the work he hasn't done and I still have to try and get some one to come and finish it off - I'm back where I started only with an empty pocket - ahhhhhh!!!!!
Life really sucks sometimes!!!
I'm sure I'll get over it but now my son is living in my room until I sort it all out - why does life throw me so many dramas??? I rang my mum to share my disappointment and I end up getting mad at her because suddenly she's talking about my poor judgement in all the other areas of my life!! I just needed her to listen and commiserate over being ripped off - not give me a lecture!! I know the small things are getting to me because of the bigger picture but thats OK!! I have every right to be angry right now!
Here's hoping I can sort out this mess! Atleast I get to listen to the beautiful sound of my son snoring!! Still finding the positives! You've got to laugh - but I feel like screaming!
AgggHHHHHHHH!

November 12, 2003
6:20 pm
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