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old habits die hard....
April 20, 2004
4:44 pm
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sixfootblonde
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I am sitting here feeling ashamed of myself for my actions, yet still hurt and angry. Hell of a combination.

Had an argument with my partner. He is seeing some girl on and off or whatever. She has a very weird name, so I said, her name is what? And he got quite defensive. It went downhill from there. I find myself resentful of her. Stupid. Stupid.

But realizing it's stupid doesn't mean I don't feel this way. We have been so so close for such a long time. I resent her presence in general, big time.

I don't want to be like this. I've faced this before. I've stifled my feelings. Now I need some input on how to deal with them, so I can not feel like this! I don't want to be the spoiled little daddy's girl, I don't want to want to be the center of attention. I want to change. HOW????????????????????????????????????????????????????

I want to not be jealous of this stupid girl. HOW?????

April 20, 2004
5:14 pm
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Anonymous
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Okay so wait he is seeing her like dating her? or just a friend

April 20, 2004
6:03 pm
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annastar
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Are you serious with this person? Get rid of the girl, if you can! It will come up over and over.

April 20, 2004
7:52 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hey there SFB. It's really strange, we can get so attached to our buddies and suddenly when they get into a relationship with someone else we can feel a bit, well, dissed? I've gone through it a few times, and depending on how solid my friendship was with the guy, if it was a real friendship, I eventually got over it and even learned to like the new girl's company. But for another, it was obvious that he was using my friendship as a weak substitute for a relationship, which he then promptly dropped the friendship for the relationship when it became available. My healthier friendships didn't change too much when the girl entered the picture though. Know what I mean?

How are you and hubby doing? Is he still treating you like you are the center of his world (and you he)? It's OK to want to be spoiled I think, so long as you are spoiling your husband too 🙂

April 20, 2004
7:58 pm
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Zinnie
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Hey SFB,

When you were asking her name, do you think you were "laughing" or sounding sarcastic, like "her name is huh?"

Do you think that put him on the defense?

Actually, I would share a name of one of my employee's, but of course we have to remain confidential here... but suffice it to say it's a cut of meat. Yes, that is her name!

Anyway - this is about you - what do you think it was that put him on the defensive? Did he think you were making fun of her or something?

Z.

April 20, 2004
10:39 pm
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sixfootblonde
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Aces&Spades, he is going out with her occasionally. They aren't dating.

Annastar, I'm sorry I didn't elaborate for the newer posters, I was too ticked....this is my partner on the rescue squad I volunteer for. We are and have been extremely close over some troubled times for the two of us and that's all.

GL, you hit the nail on the head. My mind is going, "yeah I was there for you thru all this stuff you've dealt with for nearly a year and you were holding onto me like a lifeline so I put aside things to make sure you were always aware that you were cared for. Now that you are getting back on your feet I feel"....ok, I feel codependent. It was so nice to feel needed. Do I want him to remain where he was? No. Not for anything. This man deserves to be happy. It's just a shift and I feel left out, although he is quick to point out that's not the case. Knowing me as intuitively as he does, he said a few things that hurt as they rang oh too true. One was that, should he tell this person and all future others that he has to check with his truest friend before making plans so that his truest friend doesn't feel left out? The other was, " you want me to be miserable again? Would that make you feel included enuff again? Don't do this. Stop." Those two things hurt. Because there was a grain of truth. Not that I want him to return to where he was, truly. But the grain of truth was, then he needed me. Greatly. And to be honest, I pushed aside a great deal of things to let him know he would be able to find/turn to me whenever he needed to. One of them being my hubby. Not in any bad way, just that I began to put in more time on call with my buddy, so he wasn't alone. I began to drag him along on many things I did with our mutual friends, so he wouldn't be alone. You are right tho, gl, he will be my buddy no matter what. I know this without a doubt. There was just this sense of us against the world, esp with some politics on our squad where we united on some stuff and stood firm together. Suddenly I feel as tho that is threatened. Looking back on this afternoon with a clear head now, I'm wondering if the biggest threat of all is my attitude.

Zinnie, I was talking to him on messenger. So my comment could have been taken differently than meant, since the written word is so much more open to interpretation by the reader. I fear tho, he knows me, he knows what I meant. Perhaps I did mean to be rude. I have an ugly ugly habit of reducing any perceived threat, whether to myself or aloud to others. This is the behavior I want desperately to understand how to change. I've never understood that, of all the things I've learned here, how we implement change is one of them. I can see the ugly mottled bruises on my character. I do not understand how to go about changing them.

April 20, 2004
11:30 pm
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NancyW
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Just telling myself I wanted to change wasn't doing a thing for me. I had to become aware of what I wanted to change from, into. That required some hard, painful looks inside of myself. I wanted to change from negative, victimized, self-pitying, argumentative, & critical (of myself and others) into happy, positive, self-caring, self-responsible and assertive. I could do it for little bits of time at first, then I'd notice myself slipping back to the old behaviors, especially if I was around negative, etc, people. I had to limit my time with them. Eventually those people faded away and were replaced with a new group of positive, supportive, loving friends. It takes a lot of dedication to wanting to have the life we know we have the right to. Sometimes, when I can't seem to get a handle on the negative thoughts, I ask God to help me. (I ask God for a lot of help!) It always works. Then, I'm able to give happiness to others, too. Sometimes with just a smile and a "Good morning."

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