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Old boyfriend contact
May 19, 2007
4:50 pm
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2BHAPPY
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I dated a man about 3-1/2 years ago who I was very very fond of. We met online and when we met in person it was magic..We had a great relationship until about 1 month into it there was a conflict and he bolted. He had been in a long term marriage and had just gotten divorced so I guess contrary to what he swore to me..he was not ready for a relationship. About a year after we broke up..he contacted me again via email and we IM briefly..but I was with someone at the time so it didnt have any effect on my..I was just chatting with an old friend. Then we stopped the contact and months went by then he contacted me again..telling me how he had feelings for me and how he always remembers me. This has been going on for over a year. Last year I told him I would meet him..but that I would never consider him anything serious as I didnt want to have my heart broken and he also had a girlfriend at the time.

Now he has come back to the picture briefly and wants to continue to communicate..says he still thinks about us intimately...Claims the reason why I am still alone is because I am beautiful and successful and that is intimidating to any man.

I dont know what to do now..I dont really know what he wants and lately I have been wanting to talk to him..but we only write or IM each other... I dont know if I should tell him to disappear because everytime he does appear, he stirs up emotions in me..I start thinking that perhaps there is a chance for happiness with someone who made me so happy at one point. I am now feeling lonely and wanting to talk to him so bad.

What do I do..tell him to get lost once and for all? He does admit to living with someone but it doesnt sound like he is committed or happy with her. Last year he was willing to see me and let whatever happen...but then he thought about it morally and decided not to...said he needed to do the right thing and disappear..then he has come back again. How do I put a stop to this? I really really want to see if this will work out or not and the only way we can do this is we saw each other in person...but we have not talked about that lately.

Sorry to be so long winded but this is so complicated... I really like this man and want to make it work if there is a possibility..I just dont know if it would be the right thing to do or how to stop from thinking about him so much. He has some great qualities and has done a lot of work on his character..He is a great father, has a very responsible job, no vices, and he was a great boyfriend to me at one time.

 

 

2bHappy

May 20, 2007
1:08 am
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Stay away. It sounds as if his game is chase and then leave. He is unfaithful, and you might be confused. Have no contact with him, block his emails and use your answering machine to screen all calls. Don't see a man who is living with someone else. He'll do the same to you!

May 20, 2007
6:42 am
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taj64
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Is he is still with his girlfriend? It won't work otherwise. It appears he may have grown and moved on from the first marriage but maybe he is doing the same thing here, having someting on the side to relieve something that is not quite right. You deserve better though. Let this guy handle his personal relationships first. You've worked really hard to get where you are, so why put yourself in a position to set yourself up for heartbreak? You said it was a great relationship in the first month...isn't thta the way it always starts out? It is the long haul that counts, the steady trotter that wins the race. He is not exactly steady or can he hold out for long haul. He is all talk and no action. Be careful. You are beautiful with good job and that is bogus about men being intimidated by that. Only he is intimidated because I sense he is insecure. He is emotionally unavailable and he will end up leaving you emotionally drained. And you are alone now because you have been waiting around for this guy, when you could be having a real relationship. I have been in this mess and as long as you setting for thinking about an old boyfriend, you will not find a real one, one that will commit, love and support you and also be your one and only. Think about it and be cautious. He does have good qualities but most people in life do. It is those other qualities that will break your heart in the long run.

May 20, 2007
11:41 am
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2BHAPPY
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Thanks Taj...

Actually I havent really waited around for him..totally forgotten about him..then he keeps popping up..its been on and off for about 1-1/2 yr. where he contacts me via email, then something happens and he disappears. I have dated and fallen madly in love with other men during this time...so its not that I am waiting around for him. Actually when he left I kept thinking about all his baggage with the divorce and all his kids and child support and really didnt want to deal with that..but now the kids are older and he seems to have a better relationship with the ex-wife.

I would really like to meet him in person and tell him what my real feelings are about this relationship. He says "she is very nice..too nice for him" just wonder what he meant by that and she has no idea that he is contacting someone else and letting her know how much he lusts after her.

 

 

2bHappy

May 20, 2007
12:22 pm
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atalose
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Lets say you meet him in person and you realize there is something there and begin a romance again. How do you know you are not going to be the nice one he is involved with while he lusts after someone else.
It's like the monkey theory, monkeys don't let go of one branch until they have grabbed and secured another one. It sounds like he is not letting the nice girl go until he has secured someone else and then will he really let her go?
I would not get myself involved with someone like that at all.
It would be much different if he was alone and reaching out to you in a far more person way like phone calls. The e-mails are safe and not too personal and intimate, thats what he has the nice girl for.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 20, 2007
4:14 pm
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2BHAPPY
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atalose,

you are very right. I went for a very long walk and really gave this some thinking and I think its best that I forget this one. Its kind of hard right now because I am feeling very lonely and very sad. Now, how do I put a final stop to this? I dont think I'll hear from him for a whle..He already came into my life briefly to see if there was an interest on my part..so probably another few months before I hear from him again. I hope by then I would have found someone else and I dont feel so vulnerable. Right now it is really hurting me that someone can come back and offer me a carrot and take it away. I will go through a few days of sadness and probably wait for him for a bit and then move on.

Please help me with your support.

Thanks

 

 

2bHappy

May 20, 2007
4:46 pm
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Set some boundaries.

When you are truely single and we have been talking on the phone for a while than I can consider this. Otherwise, I need to take a break from this relationship.

May 20, 2007
5:52 pm
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atalose
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2BHAPPY,

I will fully support you and help you get through this as best I can.

You deserve far more then what little this man is offering you.

You are smart enough to understand your own volunerability right now because you are feeling lonely. It's those overwhelming feelings of being alone and feeling sad that make us do things we will only regret especialy when it comes to men.

If his only way of contact you is via e-mail and text then your best bet is to not reply.

As far as him coming back and offering you a carrot it's really not at all, remember that. He is offering you NOTHING, NADDA, ZILTCH all the while he is with someone else who's getting far more then a carrot.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 20, 2007
6:57 pm
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Speaking as an old war horse, decades and decades of being around men has taught me one thing: if he will philander around behind one woman's back, he will philander around behind all the subsequent women's backs. PERIOD. It is a pattern of relating to women that few men ever kick.

I cannot tell you how many friends have given their hearts to a guy who was already connected elsewhere, rode out his separation from that established partner (wife or girlfriend), moved in with him and/or married him, only to be devastated upon learning that he was interested in YET ANOTHER new woman.

For your own future, sever all contact with this man. He has fidelity and commitment issues. And he would end up betraying you, just as he is betraying the woman with whom he is currently involved.

- Ma Strong

May 20, 2007
7:04 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Thank you atalose,

Its just so lonely right now. I just dont understand why he would do this to me and to this other woman. I looked at his myspace site and he mentions nothing about having a girlfriend..but he is also not looking for dating or relationships...i think he just has it to connect with his children..but nothing is mentioned of having a g/f or her pictures..only his pictures are on it. Why is he with this woman if he is not fully committed to her. I feel so sorry for her..but at the same time I am jealous of her...at least she has someone and I dont. He already told me that the reason why I am alone is because of my beauty and my success and men are very intimidated...I keep going through relationship through relationship and it always ends the same way..The minute they find out how much I have...they run..Being in my late 40's makes it very difficult to find someone.

I am so so sad today and dont know if I'll get out of this and forget this man. He has all the power..my email, my phone, my address...I only have his email and when I do write to him...he writes when he has time or rather..when he feels like it.

How do i get back my power???

 

 

2bHappy

May 20, 2007
7:09 pm
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Ma Strong...thanks..

But is it really betrayal when he hasnt really met me to cheat on her? We made a date about 6 months ago..but he really thought about it and he said it didnt feel right to do it so he cancelled. Just contacting me and being tempted to cheat is probably not enough to call him cheater. I dont know about these things...arent all men tempted at one point? Now if he went as far as meeting me..then I could say he is a jerk by doing this to her..but so far he is just playing games with me. What do you think?

 

 

2bHappy

May 20, 2007
7:21 pm
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StronginHim77
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If I were living with a man I loved and found out he was playing online with another woman in ANY CAPACITY, I would feel hurt and betrayed. If the guy feels compelled to email other women, something is TERRIBLY wrong.

May 20, 2007
9:28 pm
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fantas
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2BHappy, this guy is definitely playing. I am willing to bet money that you are not the only other person he has a "connection" with other than the woman he is living with. As long as he is telling you that he is thinking of you in an intimate way, he is having an emotional relationship with you. I felt a red flag when he said that the reason you don't have a man is because you are successful and beautiful. He is definitely insecure with himself and is projecting that onto you. Second red flag was him saying that the woman he is with is too nice for him. Is he saying that you are not as nice as she is? Is this why he wants to be with you because you are imperfect? what kind of thinking is that? Be very careful with this one. He is getting ready to take you through the wringer. As to your question how do you put this to an end, delete all his contacts and block his e-mail. Lonely or not, you deserve so much better. I am sure of this...All the best to you:)

May 20, 2007
10:48 pm
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atalose
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You take your power back by ridding yourself of this man once and for all. By telling yourself you are worth far more then what he could ever possible offer. Besides he has already shown you his insecurities and self doubts. He told you men are intimidated by your beauty and success. What he really was saying is “I am intimidated by your beauty and your success”.

Weekends are always hard 2BHAPPY they seem to intensify our loneliness which makes our minds and emotions go into over drive. Every past hurt seems to come under the microscope when we are feeling like this and we glob it all together as one continued hurt or let down.

If you are finding men who run because of your success then maybe you are naturally drawn to the bad boy type of men. Men who are great looking and amusing in the beginning but always seem to fall short with everything else. What kind of men have you been dating? Are they blue collar or white collar workers or have you dated both types?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 20, 2007
11:32 pm
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Hi Fantas..thanks

I think by saying that she is too nice for him...she is putting up with him and being that he is not totally honest with her or acknowledging her. she is putting up with him...

Atalose....yes he is intimidated by me alright. I have dated all kinds..a doctor, businessmen, cops..they all seem to have one common thing..some women in the background..either going through a divorce, or broken up with a g/f..there is always something..

I really want to have one last communication with him and ask him why he is doing this..especially after he asked me to forgive him...just disappear again without an explanation without me being able to ask him why he still comes back to me when I least expected.

I do feel sorry for this woman because he is using her for convenience. He pays a lot in spousal and child support and he cant afford to live on his own. Just wonder what he is going to do when she does leave him...I know I wont want to be with him at all. It would have been different had he come back to me after they were done..but this going back and forth is playing with both of us. What a jerk. I've never really think of him at all until he comes back into the picture..then the whole things starts again..I shouldnt let it..Right now I just want time to pass so I can move on..It just feels like it is not going to go away.

 

 

2bHappy

May 21, 2007
9:26 am
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risingfromtheashes
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2B - I was in a long term relationship with a man.

He has a myspace and was VERY active on it.

When we were dating, there was NO mention of being in a relationship, no pictures of us, nothing.

He had many women friends on there.

I had no idea what he was up to.

Later on, when I found out, I blew up...He raged at me, saying it was no big deal, I was blowing it out of proportion.

Two weeks after that, he was on a date with one of his myspace women and failed to tell me where he was going or with whom...tho other people knew. And he told me he was going to be home, cuz he felt tired...and failed to answer or return any of my calls that day...citing poor cell reception...but did take calls from other people.

anyway, I felt betrayed and it hurt.

NOW he has pics of his new true love (the one he was dating that day) and immediately changed his profile to in relationship.

yeah, it hurt.

but just goes to show the kind of person he really is and how he really thought of our relationship (this after telling me he was shopping for rings).

don't get involved...bad news.

May 21, 2007
10:26 am
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Whenever you deal with a man who is with someone or his eyes are not on one woman and one woman only, it is not going to matter what the girlfriend or wife what she does, she is too nice, etc. The fact is that he is with her for a reason, and if it was THAT BAD, he would leave and he would immediately drop her for you. He is not doing that. As long as there is another woman in the picture even if it is a little contact, this man cannot concentrate on what is at home. I fell for a married man and i remember saying all those things too, like why does she (the wife) stay with him if he is all that bad. She gave me the low down, how bad he was, yet she is still with him. So much for being such a bad man why would you put up with it? Because he has all these other good qualities right? Yeah right but you don't want to overlook what his actions are and what he is doing to this "all too nice" woman. It turns out to be a blessing in disguise because in the long run if you put it in your mind to do something about it, find something better then you never have to worry about him running out on you and not to put yourself in the same spot that his current girlfriend is in. Let them be, their relationship be until he does make up his mind but really do you honestly want to be in the same positoin you were in back then. Men that have roving eyes and hands will most likely cheat on the next person, almost guaranteed. They don't really change all that much, most of them don't. Some do, but very few.

May 21, 2007
10:34 am
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One thing that this site has taught me is how many kinds of games that peoples exactly plays out there in a relationship.
I guess once you learn how these games are played or even how the peoples plays these games, that you could truly understand your feelings, your thoughts, and if you want to play any of these games.
If this person left you and didn't want to have anything else to do with you, then there would be no question to why he can't come back into my life. Especially after you have worked so hard in getting over this person, trying really hard to get this person out of your life because he left you with an understanding of what went wrong. Then all of a sudden this person can just walk right back in, for what?

After everything that you have written, What type of relationship is you going to have with this man?

The one thing that we womens or mens have to do is to really listen to what the other person is saying. You have to be in tuned to what they are saying because if not then you are not paying attention to how the games is about to be played and then you will then find yourself being the loser of the game because you didn't know how to play.

There is a reason that this man came into your life and there is a reason that this man left. I would wish this man well and for him to go on with this life. The one thing that I have gotten tired of is mens or peoples bringing in there problems into my life. It is bad enough that you have to deal with your own life then to have to deal with someone else that is playing games.

If you feel that you don't deserve better then stick with this person, but if you feel that you deserve more in life then playing games that will break your heart then I say to let this person go and tell him that you was doing fine when he was gone what you say about a year. Let it be 10 more years. And if he is that good of a person then tell him to take care of his family, ex wife or children or girlfriend or what ever that he is doing with his life but he needs to leave you alone.
Nappy

May 21, 2007
12:45 pm
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2BHAPPY
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Thank you all for your support this weekend. It was really hard and lonely as I long to be with someone. I am so glad that he left me 3 years ago and I am not in that woman's place. Now I have to just deal with my pain right now and the longing to be with him again even if temporary as I dont want him longterm. There were too many issues in his life and now he has added more.

I really need your support in getting over him..please keep writing. Thanks

 

 

2bHappy

May 21, 2007
3:28 pm
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2B -

In my own life, I have found that I would settle for ANY man, rather than deal with my emptiness. As soon as any man showed interest in me, he became the new "center" of my life. I would be happy when he emailed or telephoned, miserable if he was silent. If he was pleased with me or showering me with praise and attention, I would be on Cloud 9. If he was devaluing me, abusing me verbally or emotionally, withdrawing from me, giving me the silent treatment, etc., I would be miserable.

In short, my life was only as good as the status of my relationship with the man in my life. Today, I understand that I am codependent. Happily, I am beginning to recover (and it is a long, hard road), but we CAN recover. So much of what you have shared sounds very much like what I have experienced and felt.

I strongly encourage you to continue learning about codependency, seek out therapy (personal and/or group), check into CODA meetings in your area (support for codependents) and read as much as you can about it.

Next, make a list of all the men you have been attracted to during the past 3 years. List what attracted you to them. List what you admired about them. Then, list what you DISLIKED about them. List their character weaknesses. Write down how each and every one of them treated you, noting any emotional unavailability, mistreatment, neglect, abuse, rudeness, instability, selfishness, etc. Take an honest inventory of who they were and how they treated you.

Then, write down how they made you feel WHEN YOU MET THEM. Write down WHEN YOU BEGAN FEELING ANY UNEASE, LACK OF EMOTIONAL SAFETY OR ACCEPTANCE with them. Write down who ended the relationship, HOW it ended and HOW you felt afterward. And then write out how long you waited before entering into a new relationship.

Write down any "red flags" about these men that you (1) failed to see; ((2) sensed or saw, but chose to ignore or "stuff;" (3) saw AFTER the relationship had ended. (We usually see DOZENS of red flags, after exiting a toxic relationship. Unfortunately for the codependent, these red flags were clearly visible from the get-go, but we chose to overlook or ignore them, or even to say "oh gee, but he's such a nice guy, so I can live with THAT," etc.)

This is going to tell you alot about yourself. It will help.

My best to you.

- Ma Strong

May 22, 2007
2:58 pm
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Ma Strong

That was great advise you gave me. I will do the exercise today. I am feeling a little better today..He did get in touch with me and I told him how this was causing me anxiety and then he said that maybe he shouldnt be in contact..and I didnt feel I was ready to say goodbye to him. I was thinking that perhaps we should talk in person and I could look at his eyes and he can tell me honestly what is going on with him..I know for a fact that I could not be with him if there was another woman involved so I just want this last chance and they say goodbye. If he is not ready to walk away from her..then I will walk away from him and make sure he never contacts me again. I am worth much more than that..but for the sake of love and what we had at one point. I want to see him in person. He has done a lot of work on himself and I know that he has some integrity and he will respect my wishes.

What do you guys think of this?

 

 

2bHappy

May 22, 2007
3:10 pm
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It does not sound like he is interested in you, at least not the way you want him to be. Let go of this guy. By wanting to see him "one more time" you are just delaying the inevitable. Guys sense neediness. I think you are putting this guy on a pedestal, cuz he is just cheating the way I see it. That is not a good quality. Why settle for leftovers? Leftovers leave love hangovers and for a long time. You're better off working on yourself instead of seeing his growth. He is not growing at all. He is looking out for himself. Be careful.

May 22, 2007
4:27 pm
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atalose
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If he were ready to walk away from her, he’d have already walked. You are putting too much into a man you dated for 1 month 3 ½ years ago. You are talking about his integrity and respect, what integrity and what respect, he sure isn’t showing his live in gf any respect by contacting you and he sure isn’t showing you any respect with his selfish actions. So where is his integrity???

I think you were infatuated with this man for a month many years ago; maybe you are confusing infatuation with love.

There is absolutely no point in talking to him in person, actions speak louder then words, his actions are that he is living with someone else, period.

Get rid of him and rid yourself of that anxiety, he’s not worth it.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

May 22, 2007
5:01 pm
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I agree with atalose. If you only been with the guy a month, then it seem to me to be fantasing over something that you do not even really know this guy. Dating is one thing. A committed relationship is another. Everying is rosy in the beginning until you really get to know the person. Sometimes you know earlier than that. SOmetimes you just ignore what is right in front of you because you want it to work so badly. I have been there myself because I would overlook the bad qualities and say well he has all these other good qualities. But in reality most people in general have good qualities and bad ones. Cheating and not respecting the woman you are committed to is a bad quality. I definately overlooked this, unfortunately at the time. I had to learn the hard way. But thank goodness I move forward and never think in my head that he is truly what I really wanted. Nobody dreams about having a man that cheats on her. But that is what he is doing isn't he? When you set out to picture your dream guy you don't dream about having a guy who has to pay huge child support either and doesn't have any money. I know money isn't everything but this guy has a load of problems. THose good qualities about him, you said "integrity". I don't see that about this guy. He seems charming but Im not seeing him dishing love to you. He appears to be a player. Just be careful, protect your future but remember why this did not work out in the first place.

May 22, 2007
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Also I did forget to add that you think this girlfriend is being too nice to him but what it is that you are doing to by hanging around waiting for him to tell you he wants to be with you, isn't that being too nice too? If a guy is truly into a girl and wants to be with her, nothing stops him, nothing. He won't let a thing or a person get in his way.

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