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Okay....I've failed miserably....now what????
May 31, 2005
11:01 am
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kc30
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And let me guess...when you start to ask him to be responsible, he gets mad at YOU and tells you something like "This isn't all about you, ya know!!"

That's what mine did. I think he shit his pants when I said "Actually, yes, it IS all about me because it's my bloody LIFE here!"

That was the day he ran back to the girlfriend...apparently, she isn't quite so demanding and doesn't need honesty, respect, commitment, loyalty etc?

kc

May 31, 2005
11:13 am
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lollipop3
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Oh absolutely kc.......

Everytime we go through this "cycle" he comes back swearing to God that he needs help, he'll go to therapy, he knows he was wrong....yadda, yadda, yadda.

Then 2-3 weeks goes by, no therapy of course (me, "have you called yet"...him "not yet, I was soooo busy at work but I'll call tonight")
and when the shit hits the fan.....like for example, I had homework and studying to do for a big test...he wanted to go to the casino...I said no,, I have to study...so he decided to take a nap. Well after an hour or so, I decided to take a break and watch a movie....God forbid! He woke up, saw I was watching TV and started screaming....."I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO STUDY, YOU INCONSIDERATE BITCH....C#@$. ALL YOU CARE ABOUT IT YOURSELF."

Needless to say I was flabbergated...At first I tried to defend myself by saying...I did study for over an hour and needed to take a break. Well that wasn't good enough. I was selfish, thoughtless, and I RUINED his day, and he was not going to let my "little schoolwork" get in the way of his life!

I told him....you need help....this is exactly why I wanted you to go to therapy....his response....."I DON'T NEED THERAPY, YOU'RE THE ONE THAT'S F#@$ING CRAZY, NOT ME"

Followed by (a week later)....I have no right to talk to you like that...I'll get help...can we just put it past us.

And so it goes.....same cycle of insanity....different day.

Lolli

May 31, 2005
11:37 am
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kc30
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Yep...I can totally relate. Mine would say "I can't commit, I don't know what committment is, I can't be faithful, I'm a narcissist etc"...so I'd go "Ok, see ya!"

Then a few months later is was "I have a plan. I'm not all those things I said I was. I just need help. I'm going to be the man you fell in love with..."

4 weeks later..."I can't commit...blah blah blah"

Took me awhile to see the pattern...he changed, literally, overnight, although now I can see the signs that were there that trouble was brewing. But then? One day he was a good husband...the next he was a selfish prick...

I see it now though. And I believe he means it when he says he will change...he believes it himself. Maybe he will, but it'll never happen if we're together, and it would be years...maybe even lifetimes. I don't have years to waste.

I have realized that there are men out there who have all the good qualities that drew me to my husband...without the incredibly destructive dark side. Good men who don't lie, cheat and drink.

I'll wait for one of them. Being alone isn't that big of a deal to me. Lonely...sure, but better lonely than crazy.

kc

May 31, 2005
11:43 am
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InPainZHT
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kc30,

Your post to me was excellent. Yes, I believe we men MEAN it, when we say we'll change; or, at the very least, we feel that we are able to make the change, for the sake of getting the prize back (you)... unless we're just outright liars & manipulators, but I think that these conditions are means to an end, not the purpose. I honestly don't feel that lieing men do it just to lie. They just have a poor and immoral way of getting what they want.

You are also correct about it being of comfort when you sit and listen to thier pleas and understand they aren't capable of making the change. I am not sure I sat and listened to my girlfriend say she wouldn't "do it again" enough times to be sure she was actually capable of it. What's the threshold? 3 times of "doing it again"? 5? 7? What a matter of personal decision THAT is.

InPain

May 31, 2005
11:57 am
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lollipop3
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I agree with you as well kc....I believe he means what he says when he says it. I have to believe that noone would WANT to be that way.

I still can't help but look at him as a very sick person, not an evil one. I do still love him but that's all I can do and at this point I'll just have to love him from a distance.

As they say....let go and let God, right?

Lolli

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