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Okay, I just need to vent...
October 21, 2001
7:47 pm
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Alena
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So......right now I am mad at just about everyone in my life. I feel like I just want to get in my car and drive...AWAY. Feel like I'm being pulled in all sorts of directions and being taken for granted. Do I just need someone to say, okay, take a break, you're justified in your feelings.

I've had a few issues with my grown kids lately, needing me and taking me for granted. Ya know? Good ole Mom, I'll just ask mom, she always stops what she's doing to accomodate us. My husband, ...when I confide in him that I need time away from all of this, he gives me static. Like, he cant understand why I don't just go along with whatever they want. He never, ever says, I understand. And what the heck is wrong with me that I need his or anyone else's approval to say "no" for a change?????

I always feel so alone in all this crap, so overwhelmed and so I don't confide in him because I don't want his disapproval. Lately, there have been alot of stressful situations popping up and it all seems to fall on me. Okay, yeah, why do I let it???
I've been so crabby lately, downright bitchy, because it seems like every little thing is just one too many. Am I making any sense???? I think I need to take drugs, prescription or otherwise. I've always just rolled with everything and now I seem to come closer and closer to saying whatever pops in my head and then when I do, I worry that I said the wrong thing, or someone is going to be mad, or maybe I wasn't justified in my feelings and maybe I am wrong....????
Duh.

I re-read this and yeah, I really do need drugs. I couldn't even figure out how to make this sound more sensible.

Okay, I think I learned a long time ago from this site that, people treat you how you teach them to treat you...so why am I so surprised. It's just that when I try to change that, I feel like I'm not supposed to.
I am in such a flaky state of mind. It's another one of those moments when I feel like I wish I could just take off the top of my head, dump out all the crap and put the top back on. Or go for a long long ride and stay there. Grrrrr.....

Thanks for listening...

October 21, 2001
10:09 pm
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backpac
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Just found this site last night. Came back tonite and read your posting. I feel the same way as you. Married and have 5 children. (2 are step). No assistance from any. I feel as if I'm their problem board, solution robot and a single mom. My husband is a great provider (financial) but that's all he feels there is to being a father. Everything (right down to chaning the oil in "my" vehicle comes down to my responsibility. Nobody cooks, cleans, mows the lawn, except me. I don't want to drive away, just walk away and forget this life. Never to stop and make friends or aquaintances. Just abandon everything. Life would be so much easier not to love and care than it seems to love and care.
You do seem to make sense to me but we both know we have to hang on and let the rubberband stretch. For one day the stretching will stop and we shall return to some sort of normalacy. Life could be worse is what I tell myself. I could be in a position where I could not (and you could not) fulfill the demands made upon us. Guilt is a hard thing but we must find out where the guilt comes from....Thanks for having the courage to write for I probably would have never posted anything here....

October 21, 2001
11:35 pm
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orangina
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give when youre empty makes you feel acceptable

October 21, 2001
11:39 pm
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Alena
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Bacpac,
you're right, I will keep on keepin on. Nothin new here, that's why I needed the vent.

And right again, things could be worse. I could have FIVE kids and 2 step! šŸ™‚ I'm just kidding, but your letter makes me feel guilty. I'm complaining and I don't have it as bad as you describe your situation. My sons are grown, (1 step also ) but between husband, sons and their wives and girlfriends, mom, siblings, I just feel so used up. No time for me.

What really bugged me the most is when I keep telling myself, get over the empty nest syndrome, it's just you and husband, and then he messes with my head when I try to tell him how I feel. But it's always been that way. We never see anything the same way. That's why I sometimes want to drive away and leave him in the dust too.

I guess I have to ask this, why do you have to do everything?? I understand that childrearing usually falls on the mom, even the steps, but the grass too? And if you are caring for all these children, he feels no responsibility to help?? Five is alot of kids, alot of cooking, cleaning, laundry, are they old enough to pitch in??

When my boys lived at home, they cooked and cleaned and learned how to do the laundry at a very young age. The pulling I'm feeling now is that they are old enough to live on their own, make their own decisions, but many times they call on me to bail them out of bad decisions. And it just seems that wives and girlfriends now come first except when it comes to who to call for help. And I don't mind helping, but I don't like being taken for granted. And I don't like having to walk on eggs so as not to make wife or girlfriend mad. If I don't agree with something asked of me, I run the risk of wife getting mad and maybe keeping grandchild from me. It's difficult. They were alot easier when they were little.

Thanks for putting my picture in perspective for me, it doesn't make the rubber band any easier to stretch, but helps. And hey, good luck to you too.

October 22, 2001
12:06 am
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shugarmagnolya
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i was just thinking that i could relate to how you feel about your husband and family, the running away part, that is. I think i let people walk all over me...i figure im being nice or i need to be the strong one or the mediator of my family. i just end up angry and irritable, im fine with giving so much of myself and then i end up angry and irritable at people for walking all over me. then when i get mad and angry, they seem to turn it around like something is wrong with me and then i feel guilty and end up apologizing, im sick of apologizing.
i feel i want to run away from my boyfriend sometimes. We dont see eye to eye at times. I dont get that understanding and compassion from him that i need at times. maybe i dont understand him either. he seems very distant emotionally from me at times and i feel like a kid again when i sense tension, i just want to hide from it. anyways, i too relate...

October 22, 2001
12:32 pm
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Molly
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Ok, since Ladeska's magic wand is full of coffee, I have created a pill, we all need this drug. Its a selfish pill, take it and you become self centered, self loving, self satisfying, just out centered on pleasing your self :). Depending on how many you take, and most of us need to take it each hour, for a while, you can create your own little vacation at home. It will allow the sound NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to come from your lips to others, and yessssssssssss to your ears, for you.
It will allow you to go get your hair done for no reason, stay away from home past the expected return time, leave the dishes in the sink, call a house cleaner, buy the blouse at Nordstroms, instead of Target, and buy
Este Lauder instead of Mabeline, you will feel the urge, and follow through to buy fresh flowers, and light candles, you will turn up the volume on the music that sooths or motivates your soul, you will toss the diet out the window, and have what ever you want for lunch, even if alone, and have the cocktail of your choice, at that restraunt that no one else has taken you to in the last year, that you have nagged about going to. However, caution, it may be habit forming.

October 22, 2001
1:33 pm
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backpac
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Alena, Thanks for the support. Yes, I'm to be in charge of everything, because like his mother, I had done everything for him since marriage. He has no clue what it takes to be a true father and husband. Romance to him is sex only and fatherhood is no more than a paycheck. All the problems, all the arguments between children, come with me in the middle. I'm to handle them all. The fall-out is usually mine to deal with. Rational thinking is very rare in all their squabbles. They seem to think they are the only "one" person on the face of this planet and I only have them to think about and see to. We are self employed and I do all the book work, order supplies, run the errands around town as well as out of town, yet I don't get any assistance with the chores of our home because I do not work outside the home....that's their excuse. The have pressures from school and social lives. I don't understand....at least they don't believe I do. But that's ok, one day, just one day I will have the time to just do what I want to do....Let's all keep our chin up....Love ya all....Backpac

October 22, 2001
3:15 pm
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Ladeska
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Okay you guys....can't let this one go by me....just an observation, so don't throw anything at me...but - I think that when we women sign up for the marriage, baby thing - we've got a couple of screws loose...down in the self-esteem dept. And I think it goes something like this...

I must earn my keep.

And, of course, we spoil everyone and they just make us "run faster, run harder". We say - that's okay, because....we keep doing it.

Then....we get to a point of no return or blow a major gasket, get sick, have a nervous breakdown - whatever and THEN...

We write stuff like this...why don't they? Why shouldn't they? Why? Why? Why?

We trained them.

We allowed it.

We believed that - this is the way we earn love...

Kind of a nasty thing on our part when you really look it in the face. We think if run faster, do more, they'll love us more, etc., etc.

Doesn't work that way, in fact, they disrespect you more and so they should. If we don't respect ourselves enough to realize - this isn't healthy and that we don't need to "earn love" by being everyone's martyr - then yes, they will keep taking and taking and expecting what they do.

So, if we come to this point and are truly tired of it - look in the mirror first and then move outward. They've been trained and we did it, so IF you want to change patterns - they aren't going to like it, but you have to answer an important question here...

If you took the time to write this and to feel this way - are you or are you not - worth it?

If not - then all you're doing is just blowing steam and okay...if you can compromise yourself in this way - who am I or anyone else to say anything, except just to be here and listen.

However - I challenge you to "grow" and to realize before you take the step - it will have it's share of pain to it - for everyone you touch. But, growth is like that - it hurts and in the end - it yields something healthy.

So, what it boils down to here is - are you just venting or are you ready to turn the tables?

Alena.....sweetheart...if you've got the strength - it's time to be selfish, it's time to claim your personhood and let everyone else - go figure.

October 22, 2001
5:31 pm
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Alena
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Ladeska, can you come over and play???

šŸ™‚

See, I need a big sister, a coach, even a mouse on my shoulder, telling me what to say next when I get "the look" or the "what the hell is wrong with you??" thing that I get when I actually say no to anyone. Maybe one of those things you stick in your ear and you can tell me what to say from way over there????

It's a MAJOR guilt trip that I soak up like a sponge! It's a reaction with which I was brought up, I learned it very well. Nice girls do everything their mom's want. Just please, please, please, please everybody. Dont rock the boat. I know, I know, I know, ....I trained everyone to expect nothing less from me...see, go back, I did mention that earlier...I think you told me that once before...
šŸ™‚ you or Molly.

I am ready to change it, and I actually have already started it. That's why I was so upset yesterday, I told daughter in law "no, sorry, I cant" and husband did not agree with me, didn't see my frustration, my exhaustion at trying to be everything to everyone, ignored my feelings, can't understand why I would need a day to get away from EVERYONE...that's the part that pissed me off so much and when he does that, I start to question myself. "Maybe I'm wrong, maybe she'll be mad, maybe I shouldn't have said no, " ...ya know?? I have been telling myself over and over and over, get a life!! And I try to...I have always been the one they turn to for everything and I've always been right there, on guard, waiting to be needed. ....but in thelast year I've tried to break that slowly. I don't ask questions about their problems, I don't get involved, but it's a very long process. I keep slipping.

And then when husband acts like my critic instead of my partner, ....GRRRRRRR!!

I think I know what you're going to say...who is he and why do I let his opinion affect me? Hmmmmmmm......
I don't know...I don't know nuthin...
at the moment, my brain is on overload...

October 22, 2001
5:37 pm
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Alena
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And Molly, where can I get these pills?? Molly's Drug Mart? I'd like to buy stock in them....

Bacpac, you got it bad. I was actually very much in those same shoes once. I had three sons at home, husband quit his job and started a home business, I did it all, phone, paperwork, books, salescalls, children, cooking, cleaning, everyday for 3 years. Like I said, he did do the outside stuff...but I was worn to the bone and did end up in the hospital from major exhaustion, for 3 weeks.....twice. The last time, that was it, move the business to an office or go get a different job, contrary to the movies, I cannot do it all. I hope you are getting a break now and then, and I hope you'll try getting your kids involved in the
housework and chores. They live there, they need to take an active part in it too, ya know?? Ladeska is right, as usual, they will learn respect for you if you put your foot down.

October 22, 2001
5:40 pm
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Ladeska
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No, I know why it affects you - you love him. That's easy to answer. (smile) The old goat - but you still love him.

That's to be expected. But, the thing is - when.....we do decide to do whatever - the last thing we need to do (are you listening here?) is expect affirmation of that - from the spoiled people's camp.

Not going to happen. And why should we be mad at them anyways? We trained them. They whined before and it worked on us, so why won't it now? Right?

Well, whining isn't a show of affection - from any direction. It's a childish, rather unattractive trait and the sooner you can distance yourself from getting it or doing it yourself - the better off you'll be, p'kinhead!

They don't have to "understand" you... It's not about "them". It's about "you". Guilt trips - need to be a road trip - you don't do anymore. Be responsible with your life and how you affect others, but in cases where you are wiping everyone's butts and feeling guilty because you've had enough...um...No.

Blaze a trail.

October 22, 2001
8:30 pm
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Alena
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Thanks Ladeska, I needed that.

It all makes sense when you put it out like that. Yeah, he is one of "them". I don't know why I should expect him to support my efforts to change, that means life might actually get tougher on him too. Whoa, don't wanna go there.

But, it still disappoints me that after all these years, he doesn't see what it does to me. But, wait a minute, I know what you're going to say. He DOES see it, he just doesn't want to acknowledge it. It's better for him if he just pretends he doesn't read me. He knows me well enough to know I'll just let it ride.

It's a bit difficult to do, ya know.
It's a lifetime of behavior, so far, I've met alot of resistance to my changes. Oh well, I don't know if you can call it blazing, but I am tip-toeing a trail here.

Thanks all, as usual.

October 23, 2001
12:17 pm
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Ladeska
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Tip-toeing is cool. Sometimes, 'neaking up on them is way better than broadsiding them with a two by four. Although - it sure does feel good to broadside them once in awhile. Did I say that??? Shame on me....

Anyways, of course he "sees". But, is betting - you'll give in and finally pipe down and behave your silly little self..

But, sometimes....that worm in that cocoon...is just NOT going to stay a caterpillar.. Wings are going to push and push and push against those walls until "one day" they will unfold themselves and take flight.

In as much as we love people in other ways - we need to love them by showing them an example of - growth. That, too - is loving. They may not like it, will balk at it, will do the - don't want to eat my spinach dance - but it is good for them to observe this transformation in you. It rubs off, especially on people that are looking for this and open to it in their own lives.

So hold your head up little ballerina and continue with your dance - however slow - just keep doing it.

October 24, 2001
1:42 pm
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Molly
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One of the problems that I see and deal with, is that the broadside approach gets them into the pain-t and body shop, but its still the same old car with a shine on it, and fender repair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sybil is reading , and doing the work in Relational Rescue. Every time I crash into that side, dent that fender, he sends it in for repair. I just wonder, if there isn't some sort of lemon law for husbands?????????
Still shopping don't get me wrong, just because its in the repair shop, doesn't mean its not still a clunker.

October 24, 2001
1:49 pm
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Ladeska
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Too funny, Molls. You have a way of putting comical spins on things. I hear what you're saying though....researching the lemon law...will tell you what I find out...

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