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Okay... here's 2findpeece's story
June 20, 2006
1:41 pm
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2findpeece
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I feel like i need to do this for some reason so here goes.

I am an only child and my mother was the daughter of an alcholic father. She was a co-dep and very shy and wanted to live through me. Dad was the baby of 6 kids father died when he was 3. He had a lot of abuse from his brothers and his mom was an Narciss capital N. So that was the beginning. I was long awaited as they had trouble having kids so when I came about it was an answer to prayers. Then I started growing up. Everything a child does became a personal attack to them. They didn't beat me (apart from having to have bare bottom spankings over the knee,which I found humiliating) but I grew up knowing I wasn't good enough. My dad had this idea that all kids lie so I was never beleived about anything. I had an aunt who was more outgoing than my mom and I loved her alot. She had two kids older than me that i also loved but didn't pay much attention to me after they got another sibling. One weekend I was there visiting when I was around seven. My oldest cousin was begging his mom to let me sleep in his bed. I was a very naive 7 and didn't know anything about abuse. I just remember thinking that wow he does love me I was so happy. After I went to sleep he started tapping on my shoulder. I said no to his strange request but he said the magic words. "If you don't I'll tell that *you did something and nobody will believe you and my mom will believe me because she loves me more than you." I can't remember if there was penetration but something in me kind of died that day. I was also very scared of him because he was a big 14yo. I had alot of problems with all this stuff all my life because most things were not overt...all subtle. I made so many mistakes in my life because of the inner talk that goes through my head. I've made a lot of progress. I'm married for the second time have two kids and mostly seem "normal" whatever that is...but inside... I want to get past this. I'll be 44 in a few weeks and I've had enough of myself and my fears of rejection , abandonment, guilt,etc. etc. I was diagnosed as mildly bi-polar a few years ago. I'm also a co-dep living with someone who has all symptoms of BPD. There is so much more but my head hurts now..it's been a bad day for me.

Any thoughts are welcome

2findpeece

June 20, 2006
2:15 pm
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ggfred4
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2find,
Thanks for sharing...I just sent the books I am reading on another thread...hope they helped.
I am the last person who should give advice, but it seems like you have a lot to talk about, the effects of everything etc.
About the bare bottom spankings...boy, did that hit home? I received these too with a belt while good ol mom watched and never stopped it. I too was so humiliated. I never told anyone about these spankings until my last visit with the counselor. I thought all kids were spanked that way in the 50's and 60's. My counselor said, no way was that normal and was definitely a form of sexual abuse. That actually made me feel better, maybe for you too. I too want to get pass all this crap and trying, but just want to give it up. Having a bad day too.
Right now, I wish I could just hit the road and take a vacation w/o the family. Love them, but they don't know the real me.
I know I am suppose to say I care, but we really don't know each other and I am having a hard time with the "caring" issue. I do identify with you and do wish the best for you.
Sorry if I am not much help.

June 20, 2006
2:31 pm
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2findpeece
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gg you have been a big help! Please *know that.

Actually I'm so glad that you told me about the bare bottom thing...I too thought everyone was spanked that way until I told someone (the only person i told) that had happened. This person to was horrified. My mom would make me wait all day for my dad to come home and do it. Then she would watch to.

Wonder if it happened alot in that time frame?

June 20, 2006
3:35 pm
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ggfred4
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maybe others will tell if they read this...happened the same way, when dad got home...I just remember the humiliation and mom watching, no pain.

O.k., haven't asked this yet, but I get so upset when I keep hearing about these online predator, child abusers, etc. committing and recommitting crimes everyday on the news. I want to scream, I want to hurt them, I wish I could do something. My friend even warns me of movies that I should not see, that means there is an attack or abuse in it. Can't say the "r" word yet. Do you feel the same way?

June 20, 2006
4:08 pm
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sleepless in uk
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It happened to me to. Not with a strap or belt or anything but bare bottomed accross his knee.

I t was in the 60s...im around your age. I never thought it was sexual but it was the most humuliating thing that ever happened but i thought it was normal

I was also abused sexually later by neighbourhood boys...i havent talked about it to anybody ever, not even on here anonymously. I just cant

but that never hurt me as much as what my dad did ...and just as you say; my mum letting him

and i feel as you do about the child porn stuff

take care

June 20, 2006
4:31 pm
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ggfred4
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Well sleepless, now that makes three of us. My counselor and a friend that I finally told were horrified. That's when I realized that it wasn't normal. I understand not being able to talk about sexual abuse. I just started this year talking about it; had to have a few drinks first. Don't worry if you can't tell. I can't believe how widespread this issue is. Something has to be done. No one talks about it. This makes it all so much worse.
My dad did more than just the spankings, but I think he believes I was too young to remember or have forgotten. I HAVEN'T....

June 20, 2006
4:39 pm
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sleepless in uk
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thank you gg and love to you and to findpeace

I dont know why i cant talk about it..i talk about all sorts of other things; all the problems i have in my so called marriage; all sorts of other abuse and other things from my childhood but not that

i think i always felt dirty and ashamed

my head tells me i was only 7 but somehow i dont quite believe it wasnt partly my fault...and this particular boy was my babysitter and then he made me meet other boys; his friends...all teenagers.

i never told anybody but im getting to the point i think maybe i can....well i have a little bit havent i??

im sorry for what you and 2findpeace are going through (((hugs)))

June 20, 2006
5:59 pm
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ggfred4
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I understand about feeling dirty and ashamed; after I told the few people I told, I had to ask them if they found me "disgusting", because I do. I understand!!! You have already told a little today; maybe that will be your way, little by little. I know it wasn't our fault, but I do understand that we feel we were part of what took place anyway. I'm sorry for what you are going through also.

June 20, 2006
6:46 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Thank you GGfred

your kind words really do help

2findpeece I hope you are still around...hope you are feeling a little easier ...I am sorry you are finding it so difficult right now.

I have found this a safe place to talk and so many people have had similar experiences or feelings. I hope you find that maybe it can help you..

love to you both Sleepless xx

June 20, 2006
8:06 pm
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I am so sorry that the adults in your life did not realize and did not protect you when you were so small.

This was not your fault. Never ever ever must you think it was.

I kind of think my husband was abused by some older neighborhood boys. Maybe as young as age 10, but he cannot talk about it, just says he was a willing participant. So that he does not ever have to admit that he was abused? I think you just helped me see how hard it is to acknowledge this.

Our son's first gf was abused by her stepfather and it all came out when they were dating. It was so hard on her. She was so courageous to come forth and tell in order to protect her younger sisters. The man was alcoholic. Her mother ended up divorcing him because of it. Our son eventually chose to break up with her, but I don't think it was because of this. We never thought ill of her.

It seems to me that when very loving, caring parents still used the bare bottom spanking, it really could have been because that was just how they were raised themselves and they did not see it as abusive, only as just punishment to set a disobedient child on the "right" path. My parents grew up in the isolated environment of a farm with lots of siblings. Granddad took a strap to his boys out by the barn, they said. My father remembered his father spanking him for losing his little temper and sticking his tongue out at something he couldn't get to work. I'm pretty sure some of that righteous punishment was doled out in the name of the Good Lord, too. All of this is considered abusive now.

As far as I know, none of us were sexually abused. Nor were our cousins....but this one icky boy cousin was "suggestive" with my sister several times. So I guess I'm not sure that it did not happen to somme one of us children and that that child never told.

Good grief does this feel like it's been going on since the beginning of time.

I am so glad to hear you share your stories. I have a friend whose 2 older brothers abused her. Her mother died when she was 14 and her father was so alcoholic he one day had a horrible car accident in which he killed a mother and her 2 children and died himself. My friend said she felt secretly relieved, because his death became her release into a much better life.

What I think is wonderful is that we seem to be moving towards an awareness and children can see and hear outside their own family's walls and get support and protection for what they feel is wrong. When people keep pointing it out and telling their stories they are helping others.

Maybe every victim does not have to tell the universe....but to get it out and forgive the ignorance and maybe to understand how abuse perpetuates itself and to not be a perpetuator within your own family....that is success and healing and goodness personified.

Would you feel like there would be some kind of "righting" the wrong if you were able to confront your abuser and that person apologized now (or was punished)? In a world put right, what would it take for you to be able to let go of the pain?

My son at the time wanted to go beat the shit out of his gf's stepdad. I'm pretty sure my friend was praying for her father's death sometimes.

I wish you all the healing you need and deserve. What's that saying? "What does not kill you makes you stronger"

June 20, 2006
8:16 pm
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Thank you for sharing your story, 2FP! You have been thru a painful ordeal, which would help to explain, maybe, where this could have started with you, as you were asking about in your other thread.

I think you're on the right track, as for seeking recovery from this. Reaching out to others, journaling, and just being open, are great things to help. Have you been to any kind of counseling or therapy? I think this would help, along with everything else.

When I was journaling, I wrote from the innerself to the outerself, with the goal of bringing the two together as one, complete being. I was amazed how different the inner being was from the outer. Sometimes that inner voice, has a whole different vocabulary, than the words that come out of our mouth. I think the innerbeing has more courage and wisdom, and letting that being out on paper, helps to bring that out, and into our everyday world.

Anyway, that has worked a great deal for me. I think you've been very courageous in sharing your story, here, and seeking the advice from others, which in turns, HELPS others, as well!

(((2FP)))

Jen

June 21, 2006
4:34 am
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sleepless in uk
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Brynnie, what you say has just made a lot of sense to me...it is that thing about being a willing participant...not willing exactly but not strong enough to make it stop.

I always thought because i didnt tell anyone and i let them do it that i was to blame too.

but i was 7 and he was 17 and his friends were a similar age.

Now i am an adult i can see how ridiculous that is.....I would never ever blame a 7 year old. But when the 7 year old is ME it is different

thank you for telling me about your husband...i think maybe he feels as i do...

Jen your suggestions made a lot of sense.

2findpeace hope you are feeling a little better today...hey

June 21, 2006
11:01 am
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2findpeece
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((((ggfred4, sleepless, brynnie, jenni))))

I want to thank you all so much for sharing your stories and your healing thoughts. It really has helped me today. I checked in earlier but didn't have any time to respond.

sleepless...((((hug)))) I thought about you alot today and sent warm wishes your way. I can identify sooo much with what you said,

"my head tells me i was only 7 but somehow i dont quite believe it wasnt partly my fault."

Some how just saying these things here has really started to lift *something. Someone once told me that there was a "power in utterance" but I didn't realise how much. I hope it has been powerful for you too.

(((Brynnie))) Thanks for all you said. It certainly has made me *extra vigilant with my own kids.
You asked if I could confront my cousin about what happened. Maybe that's one reason all this is coming back again to me. I no longer live in the same country as my family and we are planning a trip soon to go there. I've tossed this idea around in my head for a while about confronting him...don't know. I know I *can do it but he's married has 4 kids etc. etc. and to a certain extent I have forgiven him...i think.?.. He did tried to keep in touch the first few years I moved away...I think it was to *be sorry not say it. He may think I don't remember. But the same night his brother did the same thing to their younger sister at the same time in another bed. He told her that I had done it and joined a club. That's the other thing, they had *planned it. It's sick full stop, no matter what, but to plan the details.... The only way I knew what happened to her was that when I was around 20 I said something to her about what happened to me. She told me what happened to her then but passed it off and said " I guess kids do these kind of things." So I never told anyone until about 2 years ago.

I'm not thinking clearly right now so I will just send this now ...but please know that you are *all helping me more than I can express right now.

(((hugs)))

2findpeece

June 21, 2006
7:37 pm
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sleepless in uk
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2fp..thank you for your warm wishes...you have mine and i hope things are a little easier for you today

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