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ok...need some input asap please...
May 13, 2010
10:23 am
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southern bell
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as many of you know, i have detatched from my best friend. the relationship and dependance there just got too unhealthy for me. i have put a lot of space between us...keeping the conversatios...mostly via text messaging...very light and polite.

she sends me a text a little while ago that said "are we ok?"

i have NO idea how to respond. if i say 'sure' or 'yeah, of course' then i'd be lying. (and the majority of the work ive been doing lately has centered on being honest with myself, so i don't want to compromise any of that work) if i say no...i have opened the door for a whole bunch of yuck that i just feel like should be 'handled' or discussed at a more appropriate time. like, not here at work. and not over the phone, especially via text. i have concluded that who she is is just who she is...having said that, is there even any point of bringing up any of her recent actions that have bothered me?? or do i just let all of this go??

please advise...

i just don't know what to do...

May 13, 2010
10:31 am
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Ohhhh. Hate that. Can't respond right now. Will try later.

Bitsy

May 13, 2010
10:36 am
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southern bell
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haha...are you saying that's what i should say Bitsy or are you telling me that???

May 13, 2010
10:36 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Is this the first time you ended your friendship with her?

If no...maybe she has learned in time...your let it go.

If yes...then maybe she is hoping your let it go...

To let it go...means to just drop how you feel...to not acknowlewdge things and imho...not good...

Honestly...from what you told me and from my experience...don't answer her back...

If she was sorry...she would of said so...that is not what she said...

We are both going through the same drama here...my friend got my message loud and clear...

She was not a friend...she knows better too than to call me or try open nded tactics like this woman is doing imo.

May 13, 2010
10:37 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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Bitsy we posted at the same time:)

May 13, 2010
10:40 am
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chinadoll
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Hi Southern bell,

Maybe respond with a question like, "why do you ask?" or "what makes you ask that?" and then let her tell you why she thinks things are not ok. Then, based on her answer, you can say, yes it sounds like we need to have a talk at a time that is more appropriate, in person or by phone.

This way, you are setting up an invitation to talk, not get into an endless back and forth text conversation where so many things can be taken out of context and turn into a battle that goes crazy out of control.

This way if you schedule a phone/person conversation, you control when & how long it will be for, you can give some thought ahead of time for what you want to say, instead of just reacting to her statements, and gives you both a chance for some undivided time together to hopefully resolve some stuff. Set it up like a phone/person meeting, like a business conference. A start time and end time, like say an hour or however long you need. This way she understands that she can monopolize you like she did before.

I read your other thread on how your realtionship with your husband and time with your other friends is getting so much better. That's great! Stick to your boundaries, and you be the one to take a hold of the situation. Don't let her suck you in and unravel all of your hard work.

Hope this helps. Good luck!

May 13, 2010
10:51 am
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southern bell
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BFG...this is the first time ive ever pulled away from her...

does that change how i respond??

China...i SO thought about responding like that but thought maybe in doing so maybe i was playing a game or inviting her to play a game??? make sense?? i don't want to do that. i am a 32 year old woman...old enough to finally decide to not play...

so....i did text her back and said "can you call me later? busy day here..."

she said 'sure. just let me know and i will call'...

i thought that maybe that could buy me some time until i process what i need to and want to and am ready to say to her....if anything at all....

we have been friends for years and i love her dearly. i do not want to lose her entirely but i did draw those boundaries, some of which i feel she is just now becoming aware of, and i want to and am going to adhere to them

truth....deep truth here...i know me. i do not want to get sucked back in to her. and all that is her. that's what ive always done and im scared it will happen again....

ugh. why do i feel like im 5 years old???

May 13, 2010
10:51 am
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sexychoclady
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To me if someone is asking if "we are ok" then they have sense a change in the relationship..If she is toxic why bother.However, if i wanted the friendship and she was hurting my feeling i would let her know this. Sometimes people are not aware of their behavior bothers u.And most of the time i am wrong the way i perceive things. I say if she is a keeper then talk it out like adults..My 2 cents....

May 13, 2010
10:58 am
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StronginHim77
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China has nailed it. Sounds like a very wise approach. I couldn't have said it better.

- Ma Strong

May 13, 2010
11:01 am
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BAREFOOTGIRL
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I was wondering if she has learned that she can do A and then later say oh are we ok? Just something I had experienced in the past, may not be what is going on with you...

I was under the impression, you two had a talk and it did not go well, maybe I misread something away back here, but I thought she KNEW...

If you just stopped talking to her and did not say why, that would make perfect sense then for her to ask if things were ok? If she truly did not know...

I thought you said you had it out with her and told her how you felt, my apologies...

Cause if you did speak your mind and she had no reponse till now and then said are we ok? I would def have a problem with that, big time...just me I guess but that would certainly not be ok with me...

Any FYI...anytime I feel like a child around someone, that is a huge red flag for me to take a huge step back from that person...they have often more than not been toxic to me and alot like previous abusers in my life...

May 13, 2010
2:28 pm
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curious64
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Southern bell - Sounds to me like Chinadoll really gave some great advice.

Something I notice a lot around these threads is that as codies going through recovery it seems like the answer is always just to cut off people. What I am learning about myself is that sometimes the unhealthiest part of the relationship is me. As I begin to grow and recover it is helping my other relationships as well.

If this person is your friend and has been for some time you should be able to explain that you are going through some life changes and have to set some boundaries. Then is will be up to her to decide if she wants to continue on in the relationship.

Hope that this all works out for you. Let us know how it works out. (((hugs)))

May 13, 2010
3:10 pm
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cancer
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Hi South,

I am happy you are trying to set some boundaries. Sometimes we just reach our breaking point b/c we are hurt and angry, but no matter how hard we try we still care about our friends.
Dont be afraid to say to her exactly what's bothering you about her behavior, trust me she wont change, thats why the only change will come from within you.

May 13, 2010
3:16 pm
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chinadoll
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southern bell,

I read again what I wrote, and I meant to say this way she can't monopolize you like before. Sometimes my thoughts are faster than I can type!

I have found when I do the "no response" thing, or try to avoid a conversation, (especially with guys that I have maybe only gone on one or two dates and it didn't click), since they don't know that anything is wrong, they will still persist. and it causes a lot of crazy-making for both. Now I am more upfront.

It's better to tell the guy "Sorry, not interested, but good luck", so you & he can move on to find better matches. Otherwise, he will keep trying, not understanding why you are always "so busy" and "can't get together". Just an example.

I think people appreciate it more if you are straight with them. Better to hurt a little bit at first than hurt a lot later on.

Since she was such a good friend, give it a shot. I know it's hard, but it might make things better in the long run once you guys come to an understanding.

May 13, 2010
10:03 pm
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Lanigirl
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Southern,

I like the addition that Curious made that some codies tend to think that the answer is just to cut people off. I suppose it just takes practice.

May 13, 2010
10:11 pm
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Southern, I meant my post as I would get back to you, but when I re read it and all the other posts I gues it could have been good adbice as well.

Bitsy

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