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OK...does anyone know a girl like this one?
May 29, 2005
8:12 am
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revelation
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Hi! Was out this weekend and bumped into a girl I used to know, wouldn't say we were ever friends but we had mutual friends so would have gone out at weekends in the same company y'know? I actually know a few girls who does this...but I'm curious if anyone else knows girls like this...and why they behave like this......

A few years ago I was invited to a bbq in a friends house. I brought a new date to the party which was a real boozy affair. Everyone got really drunk, my date and I were getting along fine, he seemed to be a nice guy and I liked him a lot and thought the chances of a relationship were good!
He was a very good-looking dark guy but he really wasn't the flirtatious type. Anyway this girl...lets call her Sallyann, was at the party, she came over initially to talk to me and was very interested in my date..who he was..what he did etc. Then she was very complimentary to me and saying stuff like "Oh, he seems so nice, you look great together, I am so glad for you" blah-blah...so, she starts chatting first to both of us, then only to him, then she starts really flirting with him, touching his arm...hand on the leg...I was like "What the f*ck is goin' on here?" I confronted her on this not aggressively, I just called her aside and asked "Hey...you got a problem with me or do you just really fancy my date?" and she's all innocent and "Who me? No...I'm just talking" At this stage other people have noticed and my friend are coming over saying..."Why u letting her fall all over your date like that?" Anyway, in the end, I walked out of the party and left them to it...but my date (Although he was definitly leading her on) was very apologetic and nothing happened between them.
fast forward 5 years...haven't seen this girl in a while but met her this weekend and guess what???? She tried exactly the same thing...except my boyfriend was terrified of her and politely told her straight away that he was in a relationship and wasn't into two-timing. With that she starts crying to another friend about her miserable life...

We were baffled...I wasn't angry with her...just really shocked that in 5 years and at 34 years of age she was still behaving like this.
A serial man-taker....the whole "If she can have him then so can I" syndrome..anyone ever been a victim of this? Anyone used to be like this or still is?? Would love to know WHY?????

May 29, 2005
8:14 am
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revelation
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by the way...my date from 5 years ago and my current boyfriend of 2 years are NOT the same person!!

May 29, 2005
9:54 am
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exoticflower
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Well, I have been that girl at the first party, certainly. NOt too proud to admit it, bu even worse is that at the time I probably WAS proud to admit it. I didn't know myself well as a person, and leaned on my phycical figure as well as my charms to intruigue men and get that little fix of 'wanted' that i needed from other people becasue I had yet to learn about the lovely parts of myself I could nurture and learn to love. ALl I could see was where I could have ower in my life (I didn't feel at the time like there was much outside of this area), and like there was some PROOF then that I had desirable parties, because at the time desirable=special, and I had trouble feeling it.

Her insane reaction was probably becasue this man confronted her actions in a way that deflated her--she was only being filled up wth her sense of self worth by seeing OTHER people want her, and she was confronted with a poor behavior and not receiving that affirmation at the same time, that must have been a bit embarassing for her, almost like someone had see her in not very nice underwear if that makes sence. That probably left her feeling pretty insecure and needing to get affirmation some other way--crying to a friend to receive council and praise and 'oh, people are not fair'. Something we all do with our friends at times, I suppose.

Not condoning her behavior by any stretch, just trying to demystify it as I see it. Hope it helps (and that you don't think I'm a shallow two bit trolip!:)

May 29, 2005
12:54 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Hey revelation,

Boy, I can't believe you're mentioning this...would you believe that two of my daughters were upset about this very same thing this past week? They were both upset at different times because girls were flirting around with their boyfriends, touching them, teasing them, etc., right in front of them.

This may not be a very popular opinion, but I personally believe that "fly-by-night" flirts are users...they need fixes of flirting for their own self-gratification. It has nothing to do with truly caring for the other person, it is all about making themselves feel good. They are no respecter of persons. Many narcississts are flirty and I try to avoid them like the plague.

One way to look at this is that she probably was doing you a favor. If a guy is that shallow that he needs false strokes from a flirt to feel good about himself, then you may have had to deal with more serious indescretions later on. Consider yourself fortunate to have a real man who has the wisdom not to fall for her, and who respects your feelings.

May 29, 2005
12:59 pm
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exoticflower
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CODA, that is so true. Though I feel girls do this sort of thing for more reasons than just feeling good, and there is a lot of good in them they just don't know howelse to find, I agree that it is not at all about the guy, but the sense of accomplishment. And I knew someone who was cheated on because of a girl who steppend in and a boy who caved pretty easily, and she always said 'so, she's a selfish b**ch, fine! The important thing is that she got just wht she deserved for it...HIM!".

And he's cheated on her, and she him several times, and my friend is happily married and quite content with herself.

May 29, 2005
1:08 pm
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exoticflower
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Wow, re-read the first post I did on this thread--LOTS of typos, so sorry all! Let me know if anythings too confusing due to my computer incapabilities?...

May 29, 2005
3:38 pm
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angel4U
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revelation - I have met women and men that do this, and I see the as people "starved for attention" and lacking any respect for others. They are people living in a "me" world and they don't give 2 hoots about anyone else ... their focus is to get what THEY want. This even shows in her reaction when she was called on it ... notice how rather than apologize, she first resorted to defending herself and then resorted to tears and the "poor me" act. I don't feel sorry for these people, I pity them. And I hold my chin high and walk away from them.

I have one personal experience with someone that I can share:

I had a "so called friend at the time" do this to me with 2 guys. She was known to be a major flirt with all the guys, but I never thought she'd stoop this low. In the first situation, I had been dating this guy for awhile but our relationship was having problems that I had confided in her about. Shortly afterwards we were all at a outdoor wedding, and she started majorly flirting with him like a childish school girl (at the age of 35) right in front of me. He responded in kind back and I remember feeling sooo disgusted at BOTH of them. I don't remember if I said anything to her right away or not, as I am not one to cause a scene in front of a group of people. I remember her later calling me several times, and then finally leaving a message when I didn't call her back saying that she sensed I was upset and she would like to talk about it. I finally called her back and shared with her how I thought her behavior was totally disrespectful of me. There was no apology, and she spent the conversation trying to convince me otherwise. She even asked me if I was the possesive type, and then tried to turn it around to say "well if a guy responds, that's one way to find out what kind of guy he is". I remember thinking to myself "and if a friend starts it, that's one way of finding out what kind of friend they are!" And I think I said something to that affect to her as well. Her last words were "how about we just agree to disagree, and I promise you that I will never do that again since I now now that you don't like it". I remember hanging up and saying to myself "if she really thinks this is ok, I can never trust this girl. period."

Fast forward a couple of years later. I went out twice with a guy that was doing activities in the same group I belonged in. This "friend" was also in the same group. My gut told me this guy had a mean streak in him, so I stopped dating him. She knew we had went out and (dummy me) shared with her (btw - she asked) some things about him that made me feel uncomfortable. She agreed with me in the conversation that she thought his behaviors were strange and that he seemed like an abusive person. 1 week later we were all going on a group trip together and she spent the entire trip flirting with him, and played stupid when I looked at her in total distaste and avoided any conversation with her.

To give you some more background ... this girl is very intelligent and pretty, and at the same time is very controlling, manipulative and rude to service people (she acts as if she is entitled to certain things). She shares little about herself, seems to have a distaste for men in general (even though she flirts with them there is always a nasty/catty undertone to it ... and I LOVE when the guys call her on it!) Makes me wonder what her true history is with men that she's not telling. And with that, I am right with Coda_Mom on her opinion ... "... I personally believe that "fly-by-night" flirts are users...they need fixes of flirting for their own self-gratification. It has nothing to do with truly caring for the other person, it is all about making themselves feel good. They are no respecter of persons. Many narcississts are flirty and I try to avoid them like the plague."

Coda_Mom - I feel for your daughters, because it does feel ptretty crummy when you encounter people like this. But as you said, if the guys fall for it, they are not worth their time! They are sooo lucky to have a Mom like you to be able to console them and give them such good, sound advise!! Hats off to you, my friend!

May 29, 2005
3:55 pm
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angel4U
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btw ef, I am sorry if my response hurt you in anyway. This type of behavior has disrespect all over it, and I just felt the need to call it the way I saw it. But also needed to let you know that I don't think of you as two-bit trollip ... unless, of course, you're still doing this ... 😉

Heres' another one with an example from the "other half" ...

I was bartending in a bar and was engaged at the time (btw - I find it really interesting that I was hit on more times when I was engaged then when I wasn't). A noticed a guy had been eyeing me, but acted non-chalent. he finally approaced me and asked me if I would go out with him. I said "thank you for the invite, but I am engaged." His response "so, what does (being engaged) have anything to do with it?" I remember laughing at his response to myself and said "maybe nothing to you, but it has alot to do with it for me." ... I also remember thinking to myself - If that's the kind of importance he places on his relationships/ commitments, I NOW would NEVER go out with him.

I met lots of feable minded people like this in the bar ... and I think it made me more cautious (in a good way) of people in general as it taught me that never everyone has the same values that I believe in. And I certainly don't want to get stuck with one of them!

May 29, 2005
3:57 pm
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angel4U
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Rephrase .. "This type of behavior has selfishness and disrespect written all over it ..."

May 29, 2005
4:43 pm
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I so know this kind of girl.. they seem to prey on what others find interest in , Kind of aninsecurity blanket.. some women need a lot of attention and have learned Toxic ways of getting it. I think some arent even aware of this, but some who are catty are.
I was friends with this one girl in particular.. years ago.. Hse knew how Infatuated I was with one of my friends... suddenly she was showeing up where he was staying all the time and goating about their conversations...
Then one day she had the NERVE to showe up at my work wearing his Clothes... gloating, glowing adn viscously looking at me like "Look who/waht I got?!?!"
and I totally had a not so nice confrontatio nwith her about how "F-ed up" that was...still, To THIS day (13 years later) she doesnt think she dod anything wrong..
My guy friend that i was infatuated with heard the whol;e confrontation and called me the next day... He said..
"I just wanted to say I heard the whole thing, and J__, I had no idea you felt that way, and I have to tell you ,I am very proud of you for handling it the way you did. She was supposedly your friend and you confided in her ,and threw it all in your face... "what an asshole" he said) and also said Im proud to know you, and to know that you were able to handle it the way you did and still avoid a "cat fight".."
some people are strange.. they prey on things when you confide in them, and its NOT only women.. One of J's business partners called me 4 times a day when J "disappeared" playing th e shoulder to cry on , the whole thing wreaked, and Ishould never have trusted that I could tell him things, as He was telling the tristate area all kinds os stuff totally enhanced and half fabricated on things I told him when I was vulnerable and beside myself....
I swear I would have kicked him between the legs IF he actaully tried anything, but I think he has a crush on J, so iwasnt in danger of that this time.. but guys can be just as gross.
I actually swore at "rob "yesterday, and kinda gave him an earful yesterday... he called her 3 times and I didnt answer the phone after the 1st time, becasue Iwas busy.. so he SHOWS up here. Lets HIMSELF IN, adn I went off... I sadi " You need ot leave, you are NOT welcome her ewith out an invitation and you certainly better learn how to use a doorbell and WAIT for someone ot come and let you in..."
he was totally defensive and didnt stop talking once the whole time.....
so i then said"Ro____, you better listen, and you better listen good...
J is your business aprtner and THAT IS IT, you canno just come by here and let yourself in My home.. you have no respect and you have a rera lproblem keeping your mouth shut, and I have VERY little tolerance for that.. so You and J need ot come to some understanding, because I am sick of this, it i ending NOW."
so he left.. talking thewholeway down the stairs...
J was literally standing there in his UNDERWEAR, and i had just gotten out of the shower and just barely finsihed dressing before i knew it theres this big fat mouth yammering away in my living room....
I was pretty pissed, and J said "GO and tell him, jen you have every right..."
So I did. he tried ot say well, Iused ot go to justins house and drag him outta bed to come to work..."
I said "WE are NOT justin(major loser friend of J's) and Dont you eve ncompare this t oanything you have done.... I will NOT be manipulated and walked all over, I dont care who you think you are.. If you want ot be our friends too, you better learn some respect and learn how to kee pyour big mouthshut."

May 29, 2005
4:49 pm
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addicts wife
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sorry i got booted b4 I couldreally finish J needed me to look something up...
so , my point is: Speak up for your boundaries, and hold your ground.. you dont have ot "go off" you can do this pleasantly,but firmly.. but if your boundaries keep gettign stomped on.. the nget even firmer.. If you demand respect.. rationally, and have a presence.. folks worty of your respect wont "push it" so far... wit hthe "triffling/catty folks... you simply wont have the room or time... theyll get bored and move on or perhaps even learn something...

May 29, 2005
7:03 pm
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CODA_Mom
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exotic,

Thanks for sharing your perspective from the other side of the fence. You said:

"Though I feel girls do this sort of thing for more reasons than just feeling good, and there is a lot of good in them they just don't know howelse to find"

angel,

The most difficult part of being a mom (and one with coda tendencies at that) is watching my almost grown kids have to learn about human nature the hard way. I think for them, as in your case, betrayal by friends has been one of the more difficult things. As AW pointed out, both men and women are guilty, but when it is a close friend of yours doing the "hittin' on" the wound seems that much deeper.

May 29, 2005
7:50 pm
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exoticflower
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AW, an INSECURITY blanket, that's very funny, and at the same time very true!

May 29, 2005
9:33 pm
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addicts wife
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((((((EF)))))) Love ya' Girlie!!
I have been "known" For my quirky metaphors.. but I make myself laugh at all of me, freckles and all!!
J was very "good" tonight with the male version of "girls like this"
He called 4 times during dinner and J said (4x) that "Im eating right now, lemmie call you back in a few..."
and of course that was immediatley ommitted from "the Manipulative Mouth" as I call him.. J stood his ground and got a word in edgewise that was something to the effect of..."Yea.. but.. I SAID ID CALL YOU BACK.. Bye>>>"
I'll re read the above posts.. as I merely skimmed and kinda vented a bit too much... Feling like I didnt read closely enough..

May 29, 2005
9:57 pm
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sdesigns
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A long...long time ago.....i had a crush on a guy and was invited to go to a party and it was sort of prearanged for us to get together as he was supposedly interested in me as well. since it was a party I took along my best friend. Well guess what. My best friend, who was spending the night at my house, ends up going up to the guy's place and spends the night with him! AND she was a virgin. I was so betrayed. She showed up at my house at like 6:30 in the morning (he dropped her off) and I could barely speak to her. The friendship went down hill from there. A few weeks later the guy calls me and we started going out. Stayed together for 3 years- he wanted to get married but I never got over the fact that I wasn't his first choice and my best friend gave up her virginity to him. Even then I was taking crumbs. But I know if I wouldn't have stayed w/ him forever, so its probably for the better.

May 30, 2005
5:56 am
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revelation
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Well...so there is more of these girls around than I thought!
EF, you are no trollop!!!! (Haven't heard that word in a while) I s'pose we've all had that "want to be wanted" feeling from time to time, it just concerns me that there are people who have made this behaviour a way of life....
Well, I had a nice weekend and Sallyann is a distant memory thankfully! Until next time we meet, I think confronting these girls in front of others would be the wrong thing to do as they seem to thrive on it with the "feel sorry for me" tears.

Also, my bf said to me later that she didn't even flirt very well...she came across as a bit of a scary monster actually and I think only like-minded guys would find that attractive, I think the quiet types like my BF just run awway scared from Sallyann's!!! Wish they realised that!

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