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"oh no, not another co/dep thread!!!
November 9, 1999
9:08 am
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hazza
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hi Tears, KT, askme, Hope, helen,Cici brittany, gosh I cant keep up, hello Everyone!

So how you doing ?

Tears, how are you? I hope my last post didn't offend you in any way, I just tend to ramble on with my own thoughts on things and hope that some of it makes sense. You sound like you have reached a new level in understanding regarding past and present hurts, I just want to wish you peace at the moment, sorry I cant do any better. (((hugs)))

Cici, cor, watch you go girl!!
have a tremendously huge pat on the back from me, you are doing so well, say hello to puppy from me. We found a puppy in the street the other day and took it home so it wouldn't get run over, left a note in the house we assumed it lived at. Just as we fell in love with him, his owner phoned up and came to take him home!!! So sad, still that is life,

So how are we all going on then?
I still have many of the power strugles as I stop being a doormat and stop trying to soothe my partners life for him, but with practic I am getting better. I still have problems where people make me feel guilty when I don't do what they want. Any advice?
other than that, all my problems are still there but Im tryng not t let the worry defeat me anymore, I ust have to beleive that things will work out, that way I will be healthier in mind and therefore be able to find solutions to these things. Thats the theory anyway.
So, speak to you all soon, sorry for new thread but I am just too impatient to wait for the old ones to load!
Take care
Hazza

November 9, 1999
9:22 am
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lost soul
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HI Hazza,
I am fine!Its good to hear that things are getting better for you.Try not to be guilty if you can't do anything for them if you do not wish to.
JUST REMEMBER! HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN YOU PLEASE? YOU JUST CANNOT PLEASE EVERYBODY.
WHY DON'T THEY PLEASE YOU INSTEAD OF YOU TRYING TO PLEASE THEM.
Take care, tell yourself ,you are as important as everyone else.

November 9, 1999
10:28 am
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hazza
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thanks hope,
you are right, why do I feel that their needs are more important than mine? I think I do have some quite selfish people around me, still practice makes perfect,
Thanks again
Hazza

November 9, 1999
10:40 am
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Cici
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Hey Hazza,

Wow...these threads just keep going an going and going. I remember when I first started posting here and it seemed like my whole life was faling apart. Now, things are getting back on track. But I did irrevocable damage to my GPA earlier this semester. Blah. Sometimes I read the other posts, like those of Tears, Kitten and KThomas and I wonder what on earth I'm thinking. Right now the biggest problem in my life is that my father is very ill, which he has been the greater part of my life.

Ever since I was little I had this ability to just go numb about things. If I was hurt too much, the pain would flare up like the most agonizing fire and then I would feel nothing...but I would have a hard time responding to people too...it was like I was at the back of a long tunnel, looking out at everyone. My mom used to worry about me...when I was little, we used to be so close. I learned how to act normal when I went numb (it's similar to a K-hole, for those of you who've used drugs), as time passed.

I guess that's what makes it easy for me to deal with things (tho not healthy)...after a while, I just stop caring about that person or that part of me. My mother, for example...I ache for her to love me again. But I know she's a bitter, stubborn person, so she won't give, even if I do. So I sort of just forgot about loving her. Hmmm. I guess that's a bad thing. But I can't handle her cruelty any more.

How are you doing, Hazza?

November 9, 1999
11:17 am
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Anonymous
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no cici, she is not capable of loving you authentically. It is up to you to find out what love really is, that is the scary adventure I am on right now.
Hazza, I love your posts and god bless
I want to say that I felt that everyones needs were most imp and mine came last. I would see to some of them but there was never enough time or hours in the day to do that. It is different now. I am going through a "dark night of the soul" where I realise how much pain I have put myself through. The operative word being "I"
You see, in our chaotic and often abusive/violent home lives, the only way we could get any affection, approval or attention was if we (codep) helped our family members ( I was parenting my mother and siblings)and tried to "fix" everything.
Doing this, we no longer had to deal with our own personal pain and needs. We were too busy with the needs of others. This becomes a "anchor" for us in our stormy families if you will.
I am now beginning to pull up that anchor, and let myself sail, as I should of when I was a child, but never felt safe enough and was not supported by my parents or siblings in such a trip.
This "sailing trip" is our discovery of ourselves.
You see, our definition of real love, comes from our own self (and gods grace) When we build our self esteem ( in a healthy family, this is primarily the job of our parents as well as our peers and ourselves)
and invest time and nurturing into ourselves, we begin to know who we are and respect that person.
After respect comes true self love ( along with love from parents ) well none of us had that luxury here, therefore it is never too late to do it now.
With prayer, faith, and action and hard work breaking our patterns of self destruction, we begin to find out who we really are, respect her needs (always) and desires and fulfill them.
THIS SHOULD BE OUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY, NOW, AND ALWAYS.
Blessings

November 9, 1999
11:22 am
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Oh and another thing, soon I am going to confront my mother and siblings and tell them of my recovery, my return to myself. I will also tell them that I no longer with them to deny, ignore, or minimise the abuse I have suffered at their hands. If they wish to continue to have a relationship with me (their choice) I need them to acknowledge this pain and abuse of me, BEFORE we can continue to form a new relationship.
As far as my mother is concerned, I really dont think she will, she has admitted her abuse of me, but blamed ME for it......She needs to take full responsibility.
As far as my brother ( who is dying, bless his soul ) I hope he can find it in his heart, to face the truth that he is still enmeshed with my mother (he is in his thirties ) without any personality of his own..so sad...he backs her up, and blames me always, as she does, for everything. ...I have only been loving and kind to him, and of course CARETAKING..no more...
My sister, well the icequeen, used to be like a daughter to me, I mothered her because our mother was absent, It really hurts me how she treats me now, so I will have to approach her with the same boundary setting statement also, it is up to them to choose...either abuse, or lose.

November 9, 1999
12:10 pm
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hazza
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hi tears,
I know where you are at, it is very unlikely that your family can handle the fact that they did abuse and mis-use you. Im sure they realize what you are sayong but getting them to admit it? well!!
I too had the same argument with my mother, it was always my fault, she doesn't see that she always uses me as an emotional punch bag when she needed to release tension. It is difficult, I don't feel so bad now because with much effort, mainly by me, we do get on better and she is doing the bedst she can by me now, I have seen her make the effort and i appreciate that.

Cici,
your story sounds so like that of my partner, his father is very ill and has been since my partner was about 10 yrs old. From a sudden and very serious accident. My partner has drink/drug problems, although clean and sober now for 2 mths (before that it would be occasional binging, he has not been an every day user for a few years now). I am sure this is connected to his poor relationship with his mother and all the difficulties with his fathers condition. He is only starti9ng now to see the kind of person he had become and started to make a change. I hope for both our sakes it works this time, or im off!, but he is doing well.
cici, when you are settled from all the changes to you life you are making at the moment, I am sure you will be able to explore the more subtle things such as the numbness as so on, right now you are concentrating on you school, the councelling stuff and so on.
Are you talking to your family at the moment? I know you were talking with your dad a while back, it must be difficult seeing him so ill. My partner has stopped seeing his family at the moment but i do worry that he may regret it later, i also feel that he is wrong to leave everything to his mother, a very anxious woman herself with alcohol problems, but they are not stable people anyway and maybe he has to concentrate on himself right now, still that is his life not mine and i am trying to stop worrying about that!
anyway hope you are well and i hope you hugged that puppy for me!
Take care
Hazza

November 9, 1999
7:04 pm
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VRJ
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tears, do they really 'need' to admit to anything. Or, do you? Prayers.

November 9, 1999
10:17 pm
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VRJ
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need them to I mean

November 10, 1999
12:13 am
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Anonymous
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I dont need them to, I really want to divorce myself from all of them, but I am giving them/us the opportunity to develop a new healthy relationship.
The grounds for this possible new start, is my mother and brother admitting their abusive behavior and no longer denying, minimising or blaming......
If they can not do this, for whatever reason, then I choose to no longer involve myself in such destructive relationships...simple

November 10, 1999
7:16 am
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lost soul
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tears
Take care of yourself.
We all do not need to live in other's "shit"
We can be compassionate and kind to them, but that doesn't give them the " green-light" to take advantages of us.

November 10, 1999
10:53 am
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Anonymous
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right on hope

November 10, 1999
11:08 am
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I just wanted to say, its really hard for me to do this (divorcing family) because my brother could die any day, and his kind of last request was for "mom and you to get along"
Well I have tried for his sake, exposing myself to more using and abusing, which would leave me upset, anxious and crying for weeks.
I have to think of myself now.
I cant let ANYONE treat me this way again, even if it is a family member.
Its sick, he has his head so far up her ass, that he cant see anything but her. He says "I know mom has her problems, but cant you forgive her" Im like "problems?"
The woman goes out of her way, literally, to ruin my life in any way, because she is so jealous of me.
ITs really awful.
what do you think guys?

November 10, 1999
11:24 am
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Cici
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I'm glad you finally realized you nee to take care of yourself first, Tears! Have you ever heard of "caretaker's syndrome"? It happens to those who take care of terminally ill or psychologically unstable family members. I think it's sort of like a nervous breakdown...Just mentioning it.

Hazza...that's weird! Maybe I am your partner. Have you ever seen us in the same room? Ha ha ha. Kidding! Anyways, yeah, I'm trying to settle the turmoil in my life. I just got a second job because my mom cut me off. I had a trust fund to live off of and use for school, but i have no access until I'm 21. So I have to wait a year, meantime I end up working adn going to school abot 12 hours a day! Ack! But I have an easy receptionist job and another easy clerk job doing data entry at night. I come home at 9:30, all tired, and it's good. It's distracts me from other pasttimes...myboyfriend takes care of our dogs now, being that although he quit dealing he has so muc money he doesn't need to work for a while. I hate people who are independently wealthy!!!!

I do talk to my dad. and my sisters. They're all pretty nice, at a distance. Phone calls are always pleasant and as long as we restrict our conversations to my sister's new baby, the puppy and dad's health. NO talking to mom, tho. Oh, well.

November 10, 1999
4:16 pm
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I can't but help wish we were all in the same place... it would be wonderful if I could share hugs with you. Cici, my heart aches for you--I've been in your place. My mother died when I was 21...and up till the last three months we did NOT get along. She was cold, brrrr, distant, and emotionally abusive. For a period of time, when I dad was in Viet Nam, she beat me on a daily basis.(never my sister) When my dad came home it stopped, but the scars remained. Dad didn't know anything aboout it--it was our secret. Anyway, when it came time for her to die she had to resolve her stuff...HERSELF. To some degree she did. That is the mother I try to remember. Cici, I wish I could do something for you! Chicken soup, maybe? How about spiritual chicken soup or maybe spiritual Tofu soup...
We can do this, everyone...become Goddesses!!!!!

November 11, 1999
7:30 am
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hazza
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hi all,
Ther seems to be a common link here doesn't there guys!
Is there anyone out there who does get on with their mother?????????????????
Tears, you hit the nail on the head, my mother too is jealous of me, she had children / married too young.
Im so glad you are not carrying on the pattern with your own children.
Cici, I know you can't be my partner - you are too focused!!! only kidding, he is starting to get his shit together, guess its my turn now!
We have to take our spaniel to th vet today 'cos his fur is falling out! Hope its not a psychological problem!
See you guys soon
Take care
Why don't we all meet up one day? that would be cool
Hazza

November 11, 1999
11:24 am
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well if we had loving mothers who really cared for us, we wouldnt be so fu***d up would we?
Hey cici, yes, I could of won the Caretaker of the world award, not any more. Someone else can take that bloody job!
It sucks!!!!!!!!!!!
The only caring I am doing is for my children and myself.

November 12, 1999
11:17 am
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Cici
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Ya hoo! I'm sort of looped-out. I was just thinking...someone should write a book about liberating yourself from that shadow of your mother that looms over all women, whether they're well-adjusted or crazy as a loon. Hmmm...what should be the methodology for overcoming this? A swift kick in the butt? Blunt trauma?

Chicken soup for those who are karmically congested. oooo. I smell a marketing scheme! hee hee hee.

November 12, 1999
12:01 pm
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great idea, but the thing is, it is hard to be angry at a leopard for trying to attack you if you know what I mean.
I see PAST the ego, into her pain. She went through hell with my father, he actually put a gun to her head etc.
I feel sorry for her, but I also have compassion for myself (first and foremost)
I am in a very difficult situation, divorcing my mother when her only son is dying of aids, and her son ( my brother ) wants to see us "getting along" before he dies. She has had ample time to go get therapy.
The only way I see around this, is if we all agree to go to therapy (The whole family)
We can all heal together. Yes, thats what I am going to suggest. It is the only way I will allow them back in my life.
It is best for them as well as me and my family.
Its time for me to rise above my raising, so to speak.
Its also such a precious thing, when one thinks that my mother is the reason I am here.
She gave me her flesh and blood, we shared the same breathing and food supply for nine months.
She could of used drugs, drank or aborted me, she chose to do none of that. When I was a little girl, I remember that she loved me.
It wasnt untill 6 or 7 that she kind of "turned on me" so to speak.
You see, I am ready to forgive and heal our relationship, but I have done this before, and every time she ends up hurting me tremendously.....its masochistic in a way. So I am going to write her a long e mail, and tell her about the therapy situation. It will help my bro heal ( hes in denial ) and my sis.......that would be lovely. I KNOW they would go for it, we have talked about it before.
I am going into the millenium a baggage free/ healed woman....yea!

November 12, 1999
8:42 pm
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ANYONE WANNA COME WITH ME?? 🙂

November 12, 1999
11:35 pm
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kitten
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are leaving by train or plane?

November 12, 1999
11:57 pm
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flying,,,,with me wings:)

November 14, 1999
10:49 am
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KTHOMAS
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I split from my family five years ago. Though they tried to drag me back in from time to time...I have remained apart. With both my parents dead made the separation easier i must admit. My mother died when I was eleven so I didn't have the teen years or the issues alot of you have with your mothers. I just wish i had one.

There comes a time when we as adult women need to pull ourselves in and really discover who we really are. And who we really want in our lives. It isn't like the old days when families were hush hush about the abuse that passed from generation to generation without putting a stop to the abuse cycle. Thank God we live in a time that all is brought out and the elders can't bear it. Our generation is the one to stop it. And i believe that is why there is so much separation of families (I'm not talking marriages) going on. We are saying no more. And sometimes the only way to bring an end to those past abuseful patterns is to walk away from our past.

I think by doing this...we are making the future better for our children. Is it really better for them to have cold grandparents in thier lives or rich giving parents instead. Even a single healthy parent is better then twenty unhealthy relatives in their lives. My son has family by friendship. People that he can depend upon and feel safe with. He is allowed to be who he is...at nine...how wonderful for him. My older two (they are 24 and 23) had the conditional trappings of my relatives and they too have parted from my family. Not by my doings at all...but because they just could never measure up. This was their choice as adults.

Anyway...that is just my two cents...

November 14, 1999
7:04 pm
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Karen,
That is pretty much what I have done. Although my father and sister are still a part of my life, I prefer to keep them at arms length. They are not capable of loving interaction with my children. Instead
they are all about roles. My father wants to play adored grandfather a few times a year, but only when it is convenient for him. My children have been raised by me...a hands-on, very affectionate, and intense mother. I may be strict, but I am also there 100% of the time for them. They know it too! There comes a time to stop patterns, to let children know that they will always be loved. Always. You are doing a great job. For you and your children.....

November 14, 1999
7:06 pm
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Tears,
Okay I'm there, but I have to tell you...I'm afraid of heights!

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