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"Oh my god, I'm Codependent"
July 3, 2007
8:34 pm
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Lola21
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September 24, 2010
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A few weeks ago my boyfriend planned a trip to Austin. Without me. He told me I wasn't invited because he wanted to see bands and hang out with his friends there.

He told me I wouldn't like it and I would ruin his trip. I got mad and argued that I have wanted nothing but to take a trip with him somewhere out of this city.

He said one day we will.

A few weeks later he tells me he wants another trip to Austin to see another band. I can go, if I get time off (yea right) but he was going hell or high water.

Still no trip for us, still no romantic anything.

He is moving out on his own minus roommates and what not and has, for the first time given me boundaries.

I can only stay over when he doesn't work. And he wants more time for himself.

These demands are very fair. Anyone can see it.

Except me.

I have been dating my guy for more than a year, and we fell in love fast. (However I am coming to find out I do that a lot)

At the time he had just gotten fired and he had a lot more free time. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. He missed me after hours of not seeing me.

This sent me over thee moon. I had never felt so loved.

Soon, I started taking less interest in my friends, my family, school, and work.

I just HAD to be with him.

He talked about marriage, the future all the "blah, blahs" people talk about when they are in love.

Time passed. He started showing less affection. Walls started going up. Nothing crazy, nothing to break up over, but I felt he wasn't giving anything back. At least not enough.

I have never received a gift from him. He is not a rich man and that's fine with me. I of course bought him things. Things I only know that he would like.

I keep waiting for something special to happen. Some picnic or whatever that I don't feel like I have to drag him to.

I have also changed who I am. I use to hate sports, hard rock, and junk food. He hates the arts, anything pop or classical and rabbit food.

So I changed. He never asked me to. I just did.

I just wanted to please him.

Then, oddly, on the night he told me he just wants to hang out by himself sometimes something clicked.

The sentence that ran through my head was "I don't need space from you. Why do you need space from me? I just want to be next to you."

CLICK.

I didn't say that out loud but just the fact that I thought it made me question myself. I kept thinking that there is something wrong with me.

I googled the word co-dependent and read the laundry list of sentences that related to me.

It makes sense. My childhood like the rest of America was less that perfect. My parents fought all my life and then divorced. My dad re married soon after they split. My mom disappeared for four years.

At 10 I was rapped. Then I got really fat. (Being fat and really sensitive is never a good combo in public school. I always felt like an outcast.)

My mom comes back into my life and I live with her throughout high school. Only she isn't as great as I remember. I was never good enough for her. My room was never clean enough. I was never thin enough. You know the rest.

I left after graduation and lost all the weight due to an eating disorder/mono/doing it the right way(I'm reader's digesting a lot of this so it isn't pages long. All of this wasn't at the same time).
Turns out I am a pretty girl and can catch a guys attention in no time flat.

I dated seriously and non exclusively when I felt I wasn't getting enough attention.

Which is where I am now.

I love this man and I know if I continue I will push him away.

Now that I know, I can try and stop it. But I don't know how and I can't afford a therapist.

What did some of you do?

-Lola

July 3, 2007
9:28 pm
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fantas
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September 29, 2010
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Lola, good for you, for knowing yourself! You are well on your way to figuring it out. You are right in that you need help to stop yourself from being a codependent to a recovering one. There are Codependent anonymous meetings that you can go to, get yourself a sponsor who can walk you through the twelve steps. I did therapy, but the twelve steps and participating in the program really did wonders for me. You can also purchase the book codependent no more and start there. The six pillars of self esteem was another good one for me. Keep posting here and people will offer you their thoughts on what you are going through.

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