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Oh, how I have changed
May 18, 2004
2:08 am
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jwt
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Well, it finally happened today. Elvira finally told me that she still thinks about how we were and that she misses it. I wondered if she would ever say anything.

The big difference this time was how I felt about it. I didn't want to talk about it. First, I don't feel anything for her any more. Second, I was sure that whatever she had to say really wouldn't matter anyway.

I listened politely. What she really missed was the sex. She really didn't have much to say about how much she loved me. And, what she mostly wanted to talk about was how unsure she was about her upcoming marriage. Yawn.

Not long ago, I posted a thread where I was sad that she never said anything about missing how we were. I guess I was hopeful that she would say something. Now, it just doesn't matter. I had no emotional reaction to it at all. I don't want to go back there.

I don't want to go there because it hurt way too much. It was never what Elvira said that hurt so much. It was what she didn't say. Today, she said that she still thinks about it and that she can't turn off her brain. It would have meant a lot more if she were talking about her heart rather than her brain. But, I'm not sure that Elvira even has a heart.

And, most of what she talked about was herself ... me, me ... I, I. It was never us. What did I expect? The only thing Elvira ever cares about is herself.

I can't believe that I ever felt anything for this woman. She seems so ugly to me inside and out. I have built this huge wall between us. And, I am much happier with her on the other side. I would have to be crazy to let her break down that wall.

I wish her the best in life. I hope she can find some happiness. But, I doubt that she will ever be really happy with anything. It's sad but it's not my problem any more.

Good riddance to one of the biggest mistakes in my life!

May 18, 2004
2:41 am
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gingerleigh
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I am happy for you JWT. This is a huge breakthrough for you.

May 18, 2004
7:04 am
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CAMER
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good for you JWT, you did change for the better!!!! i am proud of you!!

May 19, 2004
12:27 am
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natty
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JWT that is FANTASTIC. Isn't it strange how sometimes we feel our hearts will literally break over somebody, then one day we look back and think ``oh my god what was I thinking? Thank you Lord I didn't end up with that person''.
Congratulations, that is really really good news for you that you are over her.

May 19, 2004
12:35 am
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annastar
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Have any future plans?

May 19, 2004
2:51 am
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Zinnie
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Good for you JWT! You are growing!

Z.

May 19, 2004
8:50 am
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jwt
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Thanks guys. I still have my good days and my bad days. It's just that my bad days are not nearly as bad as they were. My good days haven't been as exciting but they are a lot more satisfying and real.

The last seven years of insanity was a life experience. I learned a lot about myself. And, I saw the world and the people around me in a brand new way. I know I am still healing from everything that happened to me. My next challenge is what to do with everything I've learned.

I still have a marriage and a daughter with serious problems. I'd like to think that there are things I could do to make both situations better. But, these relationships are a real mess.

I don't know if I can recapture whatever it was I felt when I was first married. I see and feel things much differently now. I may have to just accept my marriage for what it is and make some decisions about what will make me happy.

We have a vacation home in another state. I have been keeping my eyes open for an interesting job there. I would love to sell the house here and move there. I just don't know if I want to do that before I sort out what is going on with my marriage.

My relationship with my daughter is a tremendous heartache for me. She is so distant and hostile. There was never any physical or sexual abuse. But, she seems to have a lot of resentment about how she thinks she was treated during her teenage years. I really don't think it was abusive or anything very unusual. But, something about it seems to have deeply affected her.

We had high expectations for her and I think she had high expectations for herself. I'm still very proud of her but I think she may feel that she did not meet her own expectations.

I wish she would open up about what is really bothering her. She has built such a high wall around herself. All she wants to do is fight with us. And, she won't go counseling. I am at a loss about what to do. I seem to be at the point where all I can hope for is a civil conversation.

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