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Oh Help :(
November 1, 2006
9:56 pm
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moving0n
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My STBX is making me nuts. I'm making myself nuts.

I am still waiting, hoping for him to have some sort of epiphany. I'm still waiting to hear him accept some responsibility for himself and his actions since we started talking about divorce. He still blames me for absolutely everthing and is playing the victim role to the max.

I don't know if I'm strong/smart/mature enough to be able to talk to him about nothing but the kids. I need to figure out how to coparent with him without every conversation spiralling into the blame and shame game. I don't even know how we can successfully coparent when his attitude is that he is so terribly victimized my me and that I'm ruining the kids' lives.

I wish I could have NC with him. It would make my life so much more peaceful. He always manages to make me cry when I try to talk to him. I hate it.

Does anyone have any advice at all?

November 1, 2006
11:15 pm
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Randomwomen2
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hunny you are only making yourself mad by waiting for him to expect responcibility. The important thing is that you are not taking all the responcibility. sorry you are going through this hunny but it just seems like you are trying to watch a pot of water boil on a broken stove. It needs to be fixed before it can heat up

November 1, 2006
11:35 pm
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GettingAGrip
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I know exactly where your at right now. My thread is Beginning to Face It. I've dealt with it for years and am still fighting to share the responsibility. You can read the torment in my thread.

I've been given some good advice. It does take 2 to make a thing good or bad. It sounds like your struggling to hang onto something not working, also.

I'm still struggling also, so, I don't really have any earth breaking advise for you. But, I'll be glad to share and it seems in reading alot of the threads, that leaning on each other tends to help. Maybe together we can get through this.

Take care of your needs. Hard to hear, hard to do. Like you'll read in my thread. My neighbor told me tonight. Put one foot in the past, one foot in the future and you piss all over today. It made me laugh. It's hard to do, but I think she's right. I've been so worried about the bad stuff of the past and the hopes of the future, that just about everyday since we split has just been miserable in one way or another.

Thinking of you....

Getting A Grip

November 2, 2006
8:11 am
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moving0n
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After a relatively decent sleep, I wake up to the realization that I am giving away my power still. I know now that I was so bent out of shape because I was hoping to hear what I wanted to hear (him taking responsibility). It's going to take time for me to get over that urge, that's for sure.

I can't believe how easily I am sucked into it just by being in his presence. Really, i shouldn't say "sucked" because that means that I'm not a willing contributor, but being sucked in is how it feels.

So, it's a new day and time to refocus on managing myself to the best of my current abilities and maybe learning some new skills today as well. I'll try to forget about him and the unhealthy interactions and move forward.

Thank you both for taking the time to respond to my post.

November 2, 2006
8:25 am
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camino
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Movingon, I am, after 33 years of marriage, going through a similar process but now accepting that there is no possiblility of change. I blamed myself for years, taking the blame that was thrown at me, expecting change for some years finally to accept that I cannot change him or expect him to change. The only thing that I can change is my own actions and decisions. With deep pain, we are now separating. It is hard to take responsibility for your own decisions and changes, but it is harder to wait for years something that will never happen. Be strong and fearless, that will help you in your decisions.

November 2, 2006
8:47 am
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2alone
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I am in the exact position as you - I have been in the process of divorce for over 2 years now. It never seems to end. He knows all the right buttons to push to make me feel like I'm completely responsible for his actions and my re-actions. I guess he's half right - I am responsible for my re-actions. I've found that by limiting contact I maintain more sanity. I try to limit every conversation to only the children. If he diverts off that issue - I bring him back with a direct question. I maintain my path by telling him that I am only calling about the children and stay firm. I also let most of his calls go directly to voice mail. I find that he is usually upset when he calls and if I give him a little time to cool down before I call him back it makes for a better conversation. Keep leaning on your friends - its better to express your frustration with them than with him.

November 2, 2006
9:52 am
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GettingAGrip
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Stay Focused......don't let him absorb you.

My thoughts are with all of us....

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