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Oh God, give me strenght
January 29, 2005
10:45 am
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gardengnome
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He's gonna be here in 15 min, i don't know how to be...if i should leave before he gets here...how to react...he's been gone one week ...coming to see kids....

January 29, 2005
11:16 am
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addicts wife
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Be strong.
you can do this!!!

January 29, 2005
11:38 am
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mamacinnamon
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Be strong, Show no emotion.
You will be ok. Stand Firm.
Don't breakdown till after he leaves.

I'm prayin for ya

January 29, 2005
12:08 pm
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addicts wife
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hows it goin??? its been over 15 minutes, and i thought of you, semding good strength vibes to you... Hope you did ok, anre doing ok... Sometimes locking myself in the bathroom after an encounter works. Ive hung a magazine holder thingy in there, So i can escape into a cheezt article, and flush it all away... LOL
Seriously, Hope youre doing great!!!

January 29, 2005
12:39 pm
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CAMER
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how did things go?????

January 29, 2005
2:22 pm
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gardengnome
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We both broke down....i really didnt want to but this is so hard....

It didn't last too long...we both cried and he told me he still loves me

I had made pancakes...asked if he wanted..we ate together...small talk not much to be said...

saw his son...said hello ..son was very polite although he would like to strangle him.

Then i just went into my room and hid under the covers....

he's gone with his older daughter...
they were very close before all this
she's very hurt by all this shit that's going on...i don't know where they went...they'll be back but i feel like leaving...don't know where to go...a bar and pick up some guy and have sex all night long?????
might work???

January 29, 2005
2:22 pm
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gardengnome
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We both broke down....i really didnt want to but this is so hard....

It didn't last too long...we both cried and he told me he still loves me

I had made pancakes...asked if he wanted..we ate together...small talk not much to be said...

saw his son...said hello ..son was very polite although he would like to strangle him.

Then i just went into my room and hid under the covers....

he's gone with his older daughter...
they were very close before all this
she's very hurt by all this shit that's going on...i don't know where they went...they'll be back but i feel like leaving...don't know where to go...a bar and pick up some guy and have sex all night long?????
might work???

January 29, 2005
3:24 pm
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mamacinnamon
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OK You got thru this part of it. Is he gone for good or is he bringing your daughter back?

It's ok to break down.

Take a breath. Whew! Made it thru this one.

January 29, 2005
5:36 pm
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gardengnome
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I love your words of wisdom mamacinnamon.

They came back, took her out for breakfast....

We cuddled...i believe there is still a little glimmer of hope but i don't want to get hurt...neither does he...i keep away from him...its painful./...next weekend i will be stronger...he will not spend the night here next weekend...

He's sleeping on the sofabed tonight but next week i will not allow him in...like my therapist told me ...:(

I will get stronger...he must make a choice...it's me and the family or you are out of my life so i can get on with my life.

God, give me strenght... i know i can do this its just so hard ... i care about him....i need to get through tonight...

I need to pray!!!

January 29, 2005
5:41 pm
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addicts wife
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trial and error... we gain strength through actions and mistakes. Its perfectly ok to break down, now, Youve gotten a "plan of action" and boundaries set up for the next encounter..... You sound good, and having a plan is helpful, not knowing what ot expect, or what ot do causes EXTRA anxiety in an already stressful situation... Youre doing great,
My thoughts and prayers are with you, hope youre hangin in there.
((hugs))

February 3, 2005
8:12 pm
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gardengnome
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I haven't written back because it was a real rollercoaster ride....We ended up sleeping together...We were intimate in the early morning...his idea and i couldn't stop him, i needed him....
Then he went out for a jog, and when he came back we ended up speaking...i hate having those conversations with him...he tells me he want to end it...he wants me to hate him.. he wished we hadn't slept togerther?...Why all the mixed signals he really doesnt know what he wants....at one point i walked out of the room telling him to pack his stuff and get out....then i went back in the room...both crying... we spoke again and somehow i convinced him to go see a therapist, i gave him a number to call and he said to me that if we can work this out we will have the strongest relationship ever....that is our goal...but right now he's not here with me....he tells me he's in a hotel, i don't know if this is true....trust issue!

I don't know if he's coming this weekend, i'm having a bad week because i saw him and he knows i miss him...maybe i'll go away if he comes...what do you guys think...what should i do stay and try to get close or stay away....his appointment with therapist is on monday night ...he says he wants someone who can cut through his bullshit! whatever he means by that.
His confusion in killing me
Sorry for ranting like this i'm just having a really bad week 🙁 crying all the time...
BHloddy hellll

February 4, 2005
8:41 am
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mamacinnamon
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Gardengnome,

Is he gonna come back this weekend? Thought maybe you'd heard from him on that by now. How'd the therapy appt go? Just wondering how you are.

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